Thursday, December 31, 2009

Review of the Year 2009 – with James “Bloody” Corden

As the year comes to an end we all make a list of things we would like to change for the 12 months ahead. As regular followers - no you are not mere followers, you are lovers, devotees, and evangelists for Surreal Scoop – as dependants upon the wisdom of these pages know, movie deals, TV shows will all be on your list of things to arrange for me in the coming year. Write to your MP. Do it now, I will be here when you get back.

Thank you, now let us proceed.

As my prosperous 2010, filled with riches, fame and as much drugs as I can snort off Kylie Minogue's tits beckons, so my lonely, impoverished 2009 – which you lot singularly failed to fill with instant celebrity meaning that I didn't even get a go at Dannii (DANNII!) Minogue – fades into the past. Thanks to the joys of schadenfreude all is not lost, there are people worse off than me and Surreal Scoop would not want to be the only place you could not see the seldom talented James Corden!

Thank you, Thank you! Thanking YOU!, Yes YOU!! Thank You!! James Corden here. You might remember me from "Gavin and Stacey Which I Am In" or perhaps the "Gavin and Stacey Which I Am In" Christmas Special. Or maybe "Gavin and Stacey Which I Am In" on Comic Relief.

Well, this year has been one of the biggest – almost as big as me – geddit?! Ha, that used to slay them on the set of "Gavin and Stacey Which I Am In" – I was in that you know. Anyway this review isn't about me it's about everything that happened in 2009 – such as the release of the "Gavin and Stacey Which I Am In" DVD.

It seems so long ago – in fact the people who lived in January used to go to something called “Schools” – I believe that's were my most loyal fans go during the day. The year started with a shock when it became apparent Andrew Sachs was still alive .

Also in 2009, a gaunt and thin-looking Steve Jobs caused a technology stampede
with the launch of the iDiet.

Air travel was much in the news in January –
Emma Thompson wanted to make sure that she never had to sit next to people like you on a transatlantic flight and planners tried to compromise between environmentalists and travellers with plans for Heathrow's 3rd runway to be situated on the River Thames.

One of the biggest events of the last two millennia also happened in January - and I should know about big, because I am hilariously fat – when America confirmed it wanted change by
inaugurating its latest era of change in, for a change. Change? I have a lot in common with Barack Obama's speeches, my career is also based on width not content.

TV news was rocked to the core as TV news made the TV news headlines when
radical news broadcaster SKY News took the BBC to task whilst vehemently agreeing with BBC policy . It was a consensus second only to the critics' opinions of the sketch show that I co-wrote with Gavin out of "Gavin and Stacey Which I Am In", who I starred in "Gavin and Stacey Which I Am In" with.

Also in January was a media event of the same magnitude as the straight to bargain bin Lesbian Vampire movie – which I made with Mathew Horne who was also in “Gavin and Stacey Which I Am In” - January saw the release of the
Third Volume of the Surreal Scoop compendium. This wasn't fat and therefore could not have been funny, unlike me .

Oh and the government insisted that
everyone should be an abusive, screaming tosser by 2012.


February eh? I was on the telly a lot, helped by the growth of huge widescreen TVs because then I could be fatter funnier. But the month started badly for the patient whose nurse prescribed some mumbo-jumbo.
A key audience for my humour are children – because they find fat bellies funny, and I have a huge repertoire of fat belly. So I can empathise that the
kids are having it hard, but not large, unlike me.

Ah kids, they are the young people who make our burgers, our frothy coffees and when they leave school clean our toilets and drink cheap cider under bridges, none of which would be possible without the
determination of teachers to have snow-days .

There was a revelation in televised sport when
Arsene Wenger finally snapped when he once again failed to see a major incident at an Arsenal match.

However the biggest story of the month – and therefore surely the funniest – was the news that
Sir Fred Goodwin was soiling his trousers on the way to the bank.

March is a very violent month, just look at the comments about the sketch show that I did, after being in "Gavin and Stacey Which I Am In", with Mathew Horne, who was also in "Gavin and Stacey Which I Am In". I did some of my fattest jokes in that sketch show as well. Amazing.

It started off with news that
Scottish kids would be given an extra four years of practice before they could be caged, as animals. Then it became fashionable for people to be hit in faces. The nation wondered why his attacker did not throw something more sturdy into Lord Mandelson's face Although custard is very fattening and therefore helps a comedy career. Then sadly we learnt that it was only one Manchester United fan punched in the face. Bummer.

The month ended in the sad battle of the princesses [] . Neither was particularly fat,so clearly this was a sombre occasion.


April was a quiet month, so very quiet. Especially during the recordings of our sketch show. On a lighter note, North Korea made another mad claim about their technological progress and the media got into a hissy fit over politicians taking direct action – I.e. smearing each other directly.

It was all about ends in May. Many said the end of my career, but the final shows of the hit "Gavin and Stacey Which I Am In" show, which I am in, were to be at Christmas. It was the end of the expenses gravy train for many, whilst others swore allegiance to our cash , it was the end of an era, as pensioners were thrown out on the street with only millions of pounds to ease the pain and as a story that could be run every month of every year, someone we haven't heard of splits from someone we don't know.
There was only one story in June. Who else would
Martin Bashir drive to their death ?

July was of course one of the the funniest months. Because the funniest thing, fat was in the news, when fat women decided it was clothes that made them look fat. Sadly it wasn't all world class cerebral humour, no there was also news of a new first class service for bankers

Pigs, they are known to be fat, and so should be funny, but no one was laughing because we had
all died of Swine Flu.

Of course we all died of in July, but some of us risk dying again when it became apparent that
Swine Flu and Katie Jordan aka Price had come into contact leading to a new mutation . Some people only died once this month, but I died repeatedly, since our sketch show was repeated on BBC3.

If by some fluke you hadn't died of Swine Flu then of course healthcare would kill you – just ask anal expert Glenn Beck.

Everyone was getting into the latest fad –
tying children to things – and new world records were being set.

My comedy career was not the only thing going up in flames but
right-wing politicians in Africa said that there was just no point helping Californians in their struggles.

The craze of
tying children to something continued for another month. That is the kind of longevity which I hope to aspire to as a comedy writer.

Of course, not only was there the Horne & Corden show, but other outrages too, such as that felt by baboons and confusion when someone we didn't know had a job, left it.

Probably the biggest news story was that
Gordon Brown had not secured a deal with Colonel Gaddafi to ensure no deals where ever made.

Political correctness took a turn for the better when the
TUC called for the banning of women's underwear.

Such a big month, but strangely whilst fat with stories, it didn't seem hilariously funny – which is flying against all my comedy instincts. Still at least we had good news in that the
British economy had once again been saved by the government.

October came and it was an interesting revelation to find out that the
Daily Mail was backing Princess Diana at the next election.

On the economic front, it turned out that those who contributed least demanded the greatest remuneration:
Teenage boys wanted a pocket money increase to £120,000 per week;a youthful politician had pledged to do a days work and yet another person shit at their job demanded more money not to do it. This trend would continue in December with bankers bonuses and me following Jenson Button around at award ceremonies.

But of course, Christmas was coming and so we had to have a
strike by postal workers – and mysteriously few noticed a difference in the quality of service. One thing was certain though, the economy would recover by Christmas .

Ah November. The month were we try to keep the pledges from previous years before making other for next year. Nothing could be truer than the
pledges made by politicians on the big European questions and comedians who pledge to try and be funny without just jiggling their huge comedy bellies up and down.

So much can be read into what you sign up into – it can reveal that you are the
most evil person in history – but when I signed up to a sketch in which I was naked well that was a pledge of comedy gold, because I am hilariously fat!

Wow, it is still November and we had yet another instance of people being shit at their jobs yet demanding more for doing it, this time
female MPs who admit that they just aren't up to the task in hand

The big - and I should know about big as I have said the same thing so many times so far in this review of the year so why are you not laughing? Well you will because December is all about "Gavin and Stacey Which I Am In" – the big news was that
the Sun had transferred its allegiance – they wrote some nasty things about our sketch show, whereas they had always said great things about the sitcom "Gavin and Stacey Which I Am In".

December – the month of the "Gavin and Stacey Which I Am In" finale. New readers of this review of the year may not be aware that I am in "Gavin and Stacey Which I Am In". Well I am. I am one of the stars. The biggest star – literally – and therefore the funniest. Apart from that fat bird too but she didn't have a “straight to remainder bin” hit movie like I did.

In December the Irish continued to sulk about losing a football match to a handball and decided to change all the rules. This led to
England demanding compensation for the 1986 world cup.

December is also a month of traditions such as the now
traditional mauling of children by dangerous beasts.

The gravy train made a return journey through the wintry weather when bankers who were shit wanted more money or they would take their shitness elsewhere. Basically the same argument that fat, and therefore funny, comedians have with their agents every year.

Aside from people who should be in prison,
people who have been in prison where at risk of going to prison again – the dirty rats.

December is an important time when we in the west take over an entire month, drowning out the mad irrational beliefs of the rest of the world who might worship animal spirits or sacred rocks. Instead
we celebrate the birth of a carpenter 2000 years ago by dressing up as shepherds then complaining when we aren't taken seriously.

December is also a big time for the postal service, who take time out of their important strike schedule to put cards through our letter boxes, but not cards from Auntie Murial these are
cards asking us to do their work for them.

Time is now running out, time which for you dear reader as an
internet user, is more valuable than gold and any other person's on the planet.

With that I have to be off, the series finale of "Gavin and Stacey Which I Am In", is on soon, so I just have time to say that the year ended with
Simon Cowell's attempt to dominate the muff mallet market .

Thanks for everything James and we all wish you best for next year. Although it is unlikely you will be back for the review of 2010 – that will probably be done by David Tennant, like every other fucking thing has been.

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