Women MPs plead “Can a man do our jobs for us, pweeeaaase?”

Several female MPs have written to beg someone to do the difficult task of framing laws, and attending debates on transport and crime prevention since they are disinterested in the role if they can't have a second home to fill with cushions for doing it.

“The expenses reforms will be mean that women MPs might have to get trains home, possibly as late as 11pm, like so-called 'normal' people. Some of whom may also be on the train!” explained Murial Billingsworth, MP for the London borough of Kilford on Sea. “Unlike other women we might get mugged or raped! Someone should do something to improve society so that any woman is safe. Until someone makes society better can we just have our nice houses please? And curtains.”

The MPs are complaining that unlike other women working and travelling late in London they are especially susceptible and that other forms of transport are unavailable to them.

“£63k per year isn’t enough to include phoning for a taxi home. That is numbers, which is maths and boy’s stuff you meanie,” giggled Billingsworth. “Also my bag is vewy heavy and full of vewy hard white papers, could someone big and strong carry it for little me?”

Behind closed doors the group of half a dozen female MPs has complained for some time that the late night sittings of parliament are not conducive to encouraging women to enter politics and that the removal of second homes for those living near London is the final straw.

“I am sure some of the debates are very important, but are they relevant? Women's issues, crime, transport and stuff all very worthy I imagine, but they all go on so late in the evening,” complained Billingsworth from the House of Commons hairdressers. “Sometimes I miss both Coronation Street AND Strictly!”

The female MPs said that they were forced to write complaining about the problems of women using public transport, and that their hair goes frizzy in the rain, since previous attempts at compromise had been ignored.

“We wrote asking to be excused double PE [the Parliamentary Expenditure debate],” explained Billingsworth. “But apparently ‘women’s problems’ isn’t a valid reason.”

However the complaints of the MPs, that they are especially at risk of sexual assault travelling at night to unstaffed rail stations, was dismissed by a male member of parliament.

“I am not sure the sex beasts of London are waiting for these ladies with baited breath.” he said. “I wouldn't touch them with yours.”