We've been here before

Unpleasant, self-serving people revealed to be self-serving and unpleasant.

After months of campaigning, where each side accused each other of spreading fear, the UK EU referendum produced a surprise result, that the side which was promoting hatred and division, blaming ills on minorities in society along with obviously misleading statistics has been revealed to be composed of unpleasant people purely out for their own ends.

“This has been a complete shock to me, I never expected people who were transparently only in it for their own careers to be self-serving,” said one disillusioned Briton. “And, the guys blaming everything on the immigrants it turns out they are quite unpleasant people.”

One of the leading self-servers, Boris Johnson, defended his behaviour during the campaign, whilst making a speech to ensure everyone understood he could be a bit prime ministerial.

“Look, gosh, no I won’t say that, let me start again. And notice the low, deliberate tone of my speech, very much like Churchill. So, let’s start again,” he said wondering whether or not to grasp his lapels. “Now, it not a time for recrimination. I have campaigned all along to make sure that I will be Prime Minister, erm that Britain should leave the EU. Despite being pretty consistent that there was no need for a referendum, and that leaving the EU would cause uncertainty in business, tying up the government for years and not solve any of the country’s problems, I realised that staying in would not solve my problem, of being able to stick on one Gideon Osbourne and thus become PM. Cripes, I mean, Oh yes.”

Another unpleasant man backed Mr Johnson stating that the EU referendum was about more than mere facts, or a desire to improve things.

“No, now let’s be clear, I was a key part of one of a government that has cut more from services that the poorest people depend on, at no point was I ever going to invest more money in the NHS, even now that I can return to the cabinet since I am on the winning Leave side.” said Ian Duncan Smith from his underground lair. “So to be clear, if we don’t give £350m per week to the EU, which we don’t, then we can spend that on the NHS, which we won’t. I can’t be clearer than that, I never said we would spend £350m per week on the NHS. So, there, let’s get on with spending £350m per week on the NHS. Which we won’t.”

One of the other key unpleasant men has also achieved his own personal aims which involved a desire to experience time travel.

“Whether it be education, or justice, in whatever role I had in government, my solution to every problem has been to simply try to do what we used to do many years ago,” said the former, current actor. “And I want to go further. When everyone pointed out that my solution to improving GCSE standards was simply to introduce O-Levels, I went further, and suggested that parents teach the classes, just like they probably did in the middle ages. I don’t know O-level history was very hard when I was at school,” said Gove as he was being stroked by Ian Duncan Smith. “Oh, that’s lovely. And, further now I get to turn back clock to when I was born, and Britain wasn’t in the EU. With luck we can recreate having to go to the IMF for a loan.”

However it would be unfair to say that the Leave campaign was only composed of unpleasant men. There are unpleasant women too.

“I think it’s ridiculous that people think I am ridiculous for saying that it’s not the Leave campaign that should have a plan for leaving the EU, clearly we can leave that to the Prime Minster who campaigned to stay,” said Julia Hartley-Brewer an MP and someone who makes the law of the land, no seriously. “I am just here to make noise, not to actually do anything. So you can’t hold me responsible for carrying out the things I have said should be done. That is man’s work. I think. I’ll obviously have to ask Boris to make sure.”

EU referendum campaigners warn of more attacks by Godzilla

As the country nears the crucial EU referendum more and more detail is being revealed about the impacts and perils of leaving, or remaining part of, the European Union.  With just a few weeks to go, the arguments are increasingly becoming technical, sifting carefully through mountains of economic and social data to tease quanta of vital information and illuminate of the intricacies of a decision that will affect all, or no one, in our everyday lives.

“It’s absolutely clear that if Britain leaves the EU then we expose ourselves to increased risk of foreign invasion, specifically from the Orient, from the East, from that giant of Asia,” explained David Cameron.  “I refer of course to Godzilla, and how Britain would once again have to fight as it’s cities are crushed under radioactive, reptilian feet.”
However the Brexit camp was quick to move to counter what they said was unwarranted, scaremongering based purely on hyperbole.

“Nonsense, Britain would not be alone! Golly of course not, Britain is head of the Commonwealth, a group of 53 countries, 2 billion people,” explained Boris Johnson.  “And, let us be sure, the home of King Kong who we could surely enlist in this titanic struggle.”

Campaigners have been quick to seize on the subtle details of EU treaties, intentional trade deals and political manifestos in a bid to bring clarity and understanding to the people of the UK faced with making a difficult choice in such a technical subject as the benefits, or otherwise, of continued EU membership.

“Indeed, not only has Boris so eloquently described how Britain and the commonwealth are exceptionally unique in having such an abundance of 60 foot tall prehistoric apes. Indeed it is to the seas that this great trading nation of ours should look and form new alliances,” explained Nigel Farage. “Outwards to the global Commonwealth and to the riches of the Pacific, where we are sure to be able to form a trade deal with the Kaiju.”

This EU exit strategy has been attacked from many sides, principally the assumption that leaving the EU would cause the immediate cessation of trade with the continent and indeed that said trade can be just as instantly be replaced with that with other sources.

“An alliance of this sort would be worrying indeed.  We would obviously then be limited in our access to Jaeger technology, that way lies isolationism, totalitarianism,” explained Jeremy Corbyn. “Britain might well be driven into the arms of the Decepticons as a counterbalance.”

“All this talk of any alliance in the Pacific is of course complete and utter nonsense, and a conspiracy of the highest order,” blasted George Galloway. “Everyone knows the Pacific Ocean is a hoax perpetrated by Zionists.”

One former politician has come out of seclusion to weigh in on the current situation in British politics, feeling that only now can he finally be clear about where he stands on the crucial debate.

“Look, whether it be Conservative, or Labour, nationalist or socialist, please stop trying to quote me and drag me into your debates,” complained Adolf Hitler from his bunker in the Canary Islands. “My reputation has suffered enough over the years without being linked to Boris Johnson or Ken Livingston.”

Inner Party to ensure all comment is plusgood plustrue via Royal Charter

Approved communication no. 4213253/201303-SS1

The beloved Prime Minister of the UK, in collaboration with the self-appointed Deputy PM, the leader of the opposition and a well funded lobby group of concerned victims of unspeakable outrage, have approved the creation of a regulatory body to ensure that the press is free to print only the truth.

In what was a clear victory for the Conservatives the Liberal Democrats the Labour Party Hollywood celebrity fronted Hacked Off victims of scurrilous press intrusion no one everyone there will now be a new body formed via a Royal Charter, that will ensure that corrupt politicians hard working public servants and intoxicated, weakly talented celebrities in rehab who give up their time for charitable efforts can conduct their lives reading only plusgood messages about themselves.

“It has become apparent, over the very recent hundreds of years of the free press in the UK that some journalists have been stepping outside of acceptable behaviour,” said the Prime Minister. “They have conducted in bribery, unauthorised access to communications systems and contempt of court. Actions which are only covered by existing bribery, communications and contempt of court laws. Therefore we need the state to have more powers to ensure that they don't break those laws again.”

There will begin an education period for the Proles to ensure that they understand that the radical adoption of press regulation risks the ability to speak truth to power there will be no change in their freedom and that they will continue to be watched over cared for benevolently by un-necessarily elected, graspers of power hard working public servants.

“It's horrifying, all those papers I was forced to buy to read all that intriguing speculation about whether that bloke with the mad hair, or that couple of doctors, had been murdering people. It's good to know I won't be forced to buy that stuff again,'” said Winston Citizen Billingsmith. “These new laws to stop bribery and hacking and so on will be thought through carefully, of course, to ensure that we still find out which celebs have been shagging.”

Inner Party members such as politicians and celebrities have welcomed the proposals, especially the ability for those media that do not sign up to the new regulatory body to have to incur all costs of litigation, even if they successfully defend their cases. On the other hand some disloyal members of the press have expressed concern at not being present at the late-night negotiations that took place in Room 101 of the ministry's Victory Square building.

“At no point has the press been excluded from a process in which we did not let them take part. Their voices have not been ignored, since we didn't ask their opinion,” said Nick Clegg, the self-appointed Deputy Prime-Minister treacherous twat.

Bank Of England To Treat Banks As Banks Treat Customers

The Bank of England is to consider a bold approach of treating the High Street banks in the same manner as they treat their customers, by instigating charges on the money a bank holds with the central bank.

“I went into my bank the other day to try to work out what to do with my savings that had mysteriously dropped to paying, basically, fuck all percent interest,” said deputy governor Paul Billingsworth. “I decided to move some money about, then the rob-dogs started going on about charging to write cheques. I thought, 'right, lets do the fuckers right over'.”

The statement was part of the evidence that Mr Billingsworth gave to the Treasury Committee regarding consideration for instigating negative interest rates.

“Basically we will charge them for holding their money with us, see how they like that,” he said. “When they want to hold less, well I might just charge them for making the withdrawal. Seems only fair.”

The banking industry reacted angrily to the news and said the action would have severe repercussions on the British economy.

“Negative interest rates will affect key areas of society, namely bank profits and those profits are needed to pay the bonuses that ensure Britain has the finest banking talent retiring at the age of 45,” said a spokesman. “Anyway it's not the Bank of England's money, it's ours, you can't charge us to get at our own money. Oh, I see what you are doing there.”

In other news High Street banks said that savings accounts will now pay zero or less interest and a royalty fee will be levied on anyone using the phrase bank, banker or synonyms such as “thieving, incompetent git”

Caesar's speech on future of Europe offers hope of greater role for himself

David “Caesar” Cameron today revealed his intention to desperately assert his role in the centuries old conflict over the future of Europe within the Conservative Party.

“It's time to ask important questions about the Treaty of Rome, some say we should be fearful of asking, “ said Caesar. “But cowards die many times before their deaths. The valiant never taste of death but once.”

Caesar laid out his plans for a referendum on whether the Conservative Party should openly rebel against his leadership or simply continue to tear itself apart leading to the eventual end of his career just as it had his predecessors.

“I am constant as the Northern Star,” explained Cameron with the Conservation Party united directly behind him as he urged for a referendum on Britain's relationship with other countries, “Get going! Run to your houses, fall on your knees, Pray to the gods to stop the Hague!”

Unfortunately, a party soothsayer lamented that Caesar's fate is sealed in the stars because neither the Tories themselves, nor the other member states, could ever agree on a role for Britain within the EU.

“Those hard hearts and the cruel men of Rome will prevent Caesar continuing to act into the fifth year of the next parliament,” said the sage. “He will of course be stabbed in the back at the beginning of the third year. His political epitaph is likely to be 'Et tu Boris?'.”

Diane Abbot “I'm getting a bit old for all this sauciness”

One time teenager and previous twenty-something year-old woman, Diane Abbott, is to launch a revolution in sex education that will ensure young people “stop wanting to look at people's bits”.

“For too long now I have come to realise, like many people, that I am getting too old for nakedness to be an everyday thing,” said the MP for Principle on the Righteousness. “So, those younger people, well they should all just stop doing it too.”

Ms Abbott has become concerned with the availability of pornography on the internet, something that has only become an issue in the last 15 or so years, when the teenagers of then have grown up into 30 somethings with families of their own.

“It's obvious that today family values are centred around large inflatable breasts, sex sessions that last at least an hour of continuous pounding involving at least three people simultaneously,” said the MP in her landmark speech. “The number of orifices in use has spiralled too.”

The campaign will focus on new and shocking teenage behaviour, such as communicating raunchy messages to each other – something that was never possible with speech, the land-line telephone or furtive classroom notes.

There will also be a nationwide campaign to get schoolchildren to be nice to each other following the new craze sweeping the nation of calling girls sluts if they are rumoured to have ever seen a real penis.

“15 years ago, before anyone had shown a booby or a thingy on the internet, every school child was nice to one another,” said Ms Abbott. “Since slut-shaming happens online then, clearly, it is the computer that is at fault as no one ever called anyone a slut previously. Apart from Susan Billingsworth during that one school trip, who so definitely did touch that boy's thingy.”

NRA Admits “Guns Are For Professionals, Not Our Enthusiastic Amateur Members”

The NRA today confessed that its members were not very good at using guns and advised US authorities to get some professionals in to assist with school security.

"The only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun and we have always asserted that Bubba and his AR15 can lend his amateurish enthusiasm to the problem,” said the NRA's French sounding Wayland LaBillingsworth. "These school shootings are never stopped by a gun carrying citizen. It’s now time for only professional Americans use weapons of death. "

Mister, or perhaps Monsieur, LaBillingsworth's comments came during a press conference when he was forced to admit that the National Rifle Association's age old policy of equipping every US citizen with an assault weapon and armour piercing grenades didn't seem to stop mass shootings across the country.

“One of our members was at a library protesting about books on Dinosaurs. He said that he saw a book on the British Armed forces. It was quite a shock. They don’t appear to have stood still in the last 250 years,” explained LaBillingsworth. “Our member said that the British have tanks, and planes and nuclear weapons. He said he wasn’t sure his rumpus room cum shelter and AR-15 could take a full assault by the Royal Marines. They’ve got helicopters and submarines. The King of England is armed to the teeth!”

LaBillingsworth said that the revelation of the strength of the former colonial master of the USA had made him re-evaluate the whole concept of personal protection.

“I think we really need to think of the role the US Army should play when the British attack our elementary schools,” he added. “I don’t think the US Army should stand idly by - in fact the only sensible deterrent is to deploy some of our own nukes into each school in the country.”

Next King of Scotland declares the country will use the Air Miles as its currency

Scotland's new King in waiting, Alex of Salmond, today refuted claims that he is making up policy on the spot. He also denied that he was making a desperate bid to secure his coronation before grown-up Scots sober up and realise life probably isn't all England's fault after all and hastily reverse their plan to allow children to vote.

“I have been entirely clear and consistent when I said all along that Scotland would be an independent nation in Europe and use the Euro as its currency,” said King Alex from what will one day be his palace in Holyrood. “Sterling is a fully convertible currency and hence I can convert my plan from the Euro by just saying it differently.”

Alex “King” Salmond said that perhaps any confusion had arisen by journalists who might have used Siri and its triumph with regards to understanding the Scots.

“I think you'll agree that Scotland is as close to Europe as Scandinavia and since Vikings came over to Britain many years ago I can convert our economic community to forming ties with Norway just by saying it will be so. Fully convertible you see,” he said from his office. “Now I have just checked Thomas Cook's website and it seems the Canadian Dollar is looking quite strong at the moment So, there you go we will convert to Canadian Dollars.”

Mr Salmond then re-launched the revised policy stressing that people had misheard him talking about Scandinavia and he had all along been stressing Scotia communities.

“Clearly Scotland has a proud and steadfast community in Nova Scotia and independent Scotland will form a lasting trading alliance with the New Scottish. Hence it makes sense for us nationalists to convert to a ‘loonie’ based economy.”

Mr Salmond was pressed as to whether or not he thought it important that Scotland's central bank would now be over three thousand miles away in Ottawa but said that this was clearly in line with his policy.

“I have checked and that would probably take a lot of transatlantic flights to ensure Scotland's voice was fairly heard in Bytown,” said the man to be possibly Scotland's last First Minister. “Therefore I plan to convert Scotland's currency to air miles, since without the rest of the UK we are miles from bloody anywhere useful.”

Supporters of Liam Fox Deny Anyone Would Volunteer To Be Near Him

As the investigation into the circumstances surrounding the relationship between Adam Werrity and Dr Liam Fox continues, each new revelation hints that there might be someone who is comfortable to be around Liam Fox without being paid to do so.

“I find that idea completely amazing, have you met Dr Fox?” asked Julian Billingsworth, who has been part of the Defence Secretary’s Woodspring constituency team for the past 20 years. “If I wasn’t getting a bung I wouldn’t want to be near the man.”

Government ministers and civil servants alike have rushed forward to defend Dr Fox from accusations that his friend Adam Werrity was not paid by either the Conservative Party or a government department.

“If Werrity wasn’t paid, then he must have been accompanying Fox to that meeting in Dubai out of friendship. You have to admire Werrity because, Jesus Christ, that’s a seven hour flight,” said Billingsworth. “I can only tolerate a cab ride to our constituency office with him because I know he is paying for the 6 pints I’ll need to get through lunch.”

Those investigating allegations that Mr Werrity was in fact just a friend of the Defence Secretary and enjoyed his company said that there was no evidence to substantiate these wild accusations and that Mr Werrity simply must have been paid by someone. Surely.

“We even confirmed that staff at his local hospital use his impending visit as a way of bargaining with patients over unpleasant medical procedures,” said one senior civil servant. “And even the sick kids insisted that if they spent more than 20 minutes with him they were to get either a Ben-10 watch or let off coma-preventing dialysis for the day.”

The Prime Minister is said to be deeply concerned over the revelations and has asked for early sight of the report should the investigation find that a senior Tory has engendered affection in another human being

Iconic Palin 1.0 discontinued - US downgraded in world lunacy rankings

Political and economic analysts have indicated a further decline in American power and influence with the discontinuation of the original, iconic, right-wing nut-job, the Palin 1.0

“I think that many people around the world that might take their lead from American lunacy will see the future as one of continued decline,” said Armin Billingsworth. “The ending of the Palin 1.0’s Presidential ambitions means that America is losing key skills in irrational swivel-eyed madness.”

It would now appear that hopes of an increase in US nut-job production with the much anticipated release of the Palin 2.0 have been dashed as the model finally shipped to users turned out to mostly repackaging of the older model. The heralded feature of greater voice control turned out to actually be more gaffe-prone than ever and early adopters have reported flaws in its memory and handling of history. The prototype Palin 2.5 – codenamed the Wanking Witch - is still considered too unstable for mass consumption.

“Well we had hoped the Palin 2.0 would enable America to regain its world lead in madness, but now that the Palin has reached the end of its useful life these skills may be lost forever,” said Billingsworth. “We have had a look at the Romney, but really it can keep a lid on true lunacy – it rarely mentions its belief in golden tablets from angels and how Native Americans are the true sons of Israel.”

However even though America may now be heading for an age of reason and rationalism the like of which has not been experience since Franklin D. Roosevelt, the Palin series showed what might have been as it signed off for the last time.

“There was that one sweet moment that showed what could have been. When the Palin 1.0 summed up the office of President - of the Commander In Chief of the armed forces, of the invested power of the executive branch of the Federal government, of the defender of the constitution - as being a mere title,” said Billingsworth wiping away a tear. “I thought for one magical moment that her head might revolve to reveal the face of a trapped evil spirit on the back of her skull and that it would start talking directly to God.”

Louise Mensch MP Declares Moon Landing A Genuine Triumph For Our PM David Cameron

As aspiring Tom Jones impersonator, Colonel Gaddafi, continues to urge his last remaining supporters to murder fellow Libyans senior politicians, and Louise Mensch, are adding the impending success of Libya’s murderous rebel regime to a growing catalogue of achievements of the British Prime Minister, David Cameron:-

The signing of the Magna Carta – The single act that for the first time enshrined that no one, no man, baron, not even the king, was above the law of the land was actually a genuine triumph for our PM David Cameron’s listening exercise throughout the middle ages. MPs retain their exemption to this day.

Modelling of DNA – While historians are keen to emphasise the foundational research of Rosalind Franklin leading to the famous Crick-Watson double-helix model, it is now clear that the collaborative efforts were a genuine triumph for our PM David Cameron efforts to generate a “Big Soc” research team, 13 years before he was born.

First footsteps on the moon – the world looked on in 1969 as Neil Armstrong made his first tentative steps across a dusty Arizona sound stage, few realised that none of it would have been possible without the genuine triumph of our Prime Minister David Cameron’s discovery of the moon on his 3rd birthday the day before.

Fall of the Berlin Wall – contemporary sources attributed the fall of the symbol of communist tyranny to the inflexibility of soviet central planning to counter-balance western military development whilst ignoring the dreams and aspirations of the people of Eastern Europe. However, it has now become clear that the wall was severely damaged during a dining tour that was such a genuine triumph of our PM David Cameron’s Bullingdon Club chums.

Mr Cameron humbled by recognition as such a key figure in world history has said that all the plaudits are undeserved.

“Let us not cheer my genuine triumphs! Now we must work together to ensure that the people living at the heart of the fighting get the help to rebuild not just their lives, but their society and especially the burnt out buildings and businesses of their shattered cities,” said Cameron. “And once we have finished London perhaps we can send the Broom Army to Tripoli.”

Slain Libyan Rebel Commander And Humanitarian Gen Abdel Fattah Younes “car trouble led to missed meetings about murder”

The world is continuing its mourning after the assassination of humanitarian leader General Abdel Fattah Younes, a long time practitioner of the teachings of Mahatma Ghandi and the leader of the non-violent Libyan protest movement shaped in his image. Obituaries of the long-time Gaddafi supporter are now flowing in, filled with tales of power, corruption, doctrinal-fuelled murder and car trouble.

“From the first day of supporting Gaddafi in the coup, through 40 years of supporting Gaddafi to training elite death squads, General Younes was always such a peace-loving man, so committed to love, to relieving suffering and to justice and freedom,” Abdul Bilinfworthdi, the so-called 'Butcher of Benghazi'. “He was just plagued by a series of unreliable second-hand cars.”

Minutes of Libyan cabinet meetings throughout the second half of the twentieth century reveal a litany of late attendance or missed conferences being blamed on problems with his old second-hand cars.

“I remember once, in about 1975, Younes had an old Datsun Cherry. Allah, praise be upon him, that thing was a wreck. We had just finished discussing which airport we should sneak the bomb for Pan Am flight 103 onto and were moving the agenda on when the General arrived, he was all hot and flustered,” said Bilinfworthdi. “He arrived in time for the discussion on the new irrigation project, but missed out on the decision to load the bomb on at Frankfurt due to having flooded the car's carburettor that morning.”

It wasn't just arriving late for high-level meetings that Younes suffered due to his bad luck with cheap cars, it also caused problems when he was due out on operational missions.

“I remember when one of his elite death squads had been deployed to eradicate a pocket of counter-revolutionaries in 1987, he got there about 30 minutes after they had just finished clearing the bodies out of the orphanage, “ said the Butcher of Benghazi. “He arrived just as Gaddafi gave free 'meat' to starving local farmers. Younes blamed that on having to wait for AA Homestart to get him going.”

Sometimes it wasn't just arriving late, on occasion the peace loving leader of revolutionary murder missed key military decisions due to having to leave early to pick up his car.

“In 1995 he had this battered red Ford Fiesta and just before we were scheduled to discuss supplying arms to the IRA Younes had to leave,” said Bilinfworthdi. “He said he had to make sure his car passed its MOT that day as he needed it in the morning to take medicine to some orphans.”

Rumours persist as to the circumstances surrounding General Younes' death. Some believe an Islamic fundamentalist infiltrated his inner circle while others maintain that he was en route to a hospital to donate a kidney to a dying peasant when the brakes on his 20 year old Toyota Corolla failed.

“Well, he was a great friend and his funeral will sadly pass without any foreign state representation,” said the Butcher. “Mainly because William Hague wouldn't know us if we slapped him in the face.”

US Financial Crisis Averted As Religious Political Nut-Job Production Increases

Analysts in the US said that the country was clearly heading on the road to recovering from its $14 trillion deficit with the release of the Palin 2.0 – code-named Michele Bachmann – to the delight of right-wing Tea-Bag party supporters.

“The US leads the world in the development of delusional female politicians,” commented Kurt Billingsworthski a notable Tea-bagger. “Oh yes, and U. S. A - U. S. A. - U. S. A”

The upgrades to the Palin range that have been incorporated into the Michele Bachmann are aimed at addressing the obvious security flaws with the original Palin 1.0. For example the Palin 2.0 default location has been moved several thousand miles away from being able to see Russia to avoid confusion with foreign policy expertise. Most importantly version 2.0 extends the core Palin 1.0 functionality of being in regular communication with a Sky Wizard.

“With the Palin 1.0 there was the regular friend requests from God,” said Billingsworthski. “The new model has taken that into the cloud era as He now follows Michele on Twitter.”

The Tea-bag party will face a tough decision in the upcoming primaries as the Palin 1.0 model has yet to be discontinued, with many users unwilling to face the possible costs of the upgrade.

“Most on the extreme right-wing of American politics are comfortable with the current operation of the Palin 1.0. We know how to “y’all”, and “hockey mom” we even got to grips with the additional “mama grizzly” functionality released last year,” said a member fresh from Tea-bagging at a ‘U.S.A. - U.S.A.’ rally yesterday. “However it will take people a while to be able to understand the new Degree in Federal Tax Law enhancement.”

The initial release of the Palin 2.0 has not gone completely smoothly, with early adopters complaining of compatibility problems with history and science that can lead to corruption of important data.

“If you try to access information on America’s Founding Fathers using the Michele Bachmann you’ll find odd bits about fighting slavery when we all know that Thomas Jefferson loved slaves, loved them in all the ways. Repeatedly,” said one historian. “Oh and of course the Palin 2.0 is absolutely convinced the Sky Wizard knocked up the universe in six days. He probably filled in His tax form on the seventh.”

LibDems Considering Selection Of New “Self-Serving Bastard”

With the news of the fatal wounding of crazed, terror leader “Colonel” Nick Clegg by a referendum result to the left eye, the power-brokers of the LibDem tyranny are jostling for appointment as the next self-serving bastard desperately grasping for power.

“The news is that Clegg seems to have been taken out by the Conservative Intelligence Agency in a sting operation that lasted a year,” said an insider. “With Colonel Clegg losing his grasp on power, others are clamouring to follow him and self-appoint themselves to the role of Deputy Prime Minister."

It has emerged that Conservative leader, Dave “I agree with stitching-up Nick” Cameron watched the conclusion of the operation from the Situation Room in Conservative Campaign Headquarters via a live satellite link.

“Last May, after painstaking work to somehow get myself into power, I determined that we had enough intelligence to take action,” said the Prime Minister, “It was far from certain, and it took many months to be absolutely sure that we could really stitch the fucker right up.”

The operation to despatch Clegg was hatched following intense negotiations conducted last year when the terror leader Clegg held an entire country paralysed with his demands of imposing LibDem law on the UK.

“Un-elected despots like Clegg will always try to claim that what they are doing is for the good of the people, that they are giving the true democracy,” said a democracy protestor outside Colonel Clegg’s palace in Cowley Street, London. “Now everyone can see that their ideology and using female maths to calculate 50% was just a self-serving way of getting what they want.”

The revolution in Britain has finally exposed the LibDems ideology, and the people are now free from the endless propaganda messages of “fairer voting”, “joining the coalition in the interests of the country” and “Lebensraum”.

“An expected front runner to self-appoint himself Deputy PM would be Vince Cable who used to be such a safe pair of hands,” said an insider. “But now with Vince you can never be sure he won’t shit in his own hat.”

AV – Where Do The Parties Stand On The Voting System None Of Them Actually Want?

As the campaigning continues for the AV referendum, here is a handy cut-out-and-keep guide to where each of the major parties, and the Liberal Democrats, stand.

The Conservatives
The Conservatives feel that the current system is transparent, open and retains a direct link between an MP and his constituency duck house. The current system, whereby MPs can be elected with only 35% of the vote, supports a party so dismally nasty that they couldn’t win an outright majority over a Labour Party led by a man that had spent the previous 18 months being called 'wanker' by newspapers, CBeebies TV shows and his own mum.

Labour
Ed Milliband has, apparently, said that he will support a ‘Yes’ campaign. At least that was what Geoff said he thought he heard and he was closest to the toilet door. In the 80s the Labour Party was considered to be unelectable under first-past-the-post system, until Tony Blair turned the TUC wall map around and pointed out where communist Russia actually was. After that it took 6 wars, two economic crisis, 14 affairs, foot-and-mouth, foot-in-mouth and a game of croquet to finally get John Prescott to free up some time to go on Top Gear.

The Liberal Democrats
LibDem leader ‘Colonel’ Nick Clegg is in favour of AV – Aston Villa which is David Cameron’s favourite football team. As the self-appointed Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg is one of the leading experts on unfair electoral systems but he is a passionate supporter of Nick Clegg being deputy Prime Minister. It is not just on the subject of AV that Nick Clegg has been described as a “miserable little compromise”.

SNP
The Scottish Nationalists are not actually in favour of AV as such, what with it being proposed by an Englishman, instead they are in favour of a system known as STN – the Single Transferable Note. Under this system a huge credit note is forwarded from London to Edinburgh each year so the English can pay for the Scots to moan about how beastly they are being by subsidising every Scots children’s right to free prescriptions, education and Tennant’s Extra. The SNP has long complained that the first-past-the-post system leads to an unrepresentative government in Westminster – what with party leaders such as Tony Blair being born in Edinburgh, Sir Menzies Campbell, Charles Kennedy, Gordon Brown all being Scottish and even David Cameron having a bloody Scottish surname.

Plaid Cymru
The Welsh nationalists don’t want AV either, they are also keen on the STN system. However they are also upset that the vote will take place on the same day that the National Assembly of Wales election takes place and the winner of the Best Leak is chosen by Max Boyce.

Northern Ireland Parties
Don’t knee-cap me.

The Green Party
They don’t want AV either. Something about all that paper used in the ballot process. Instead they want a system where each voter typically gets two votes - one for an individual, and one for a party. The exact proportion of constituency representatives and list representatives is decided by a community council members in an eco-friendly commune meeting, where everyone wears hemp. And doesn’t wash. Apparently the Green Party of Scotland disagrees with that of England and, surprisingly, is more in favour of the Single Transferable Note system (see SNP).

UK Independence Party
UKIP sees the current first-past-the-post system as a “nightmare” because “no one votes for us”. They too are not in favour of AV because “no one will vote for us”. They prefer a system called ‘AV plus’ by which all candidates must have no idea of Britain’s geography or international trading partners. Under the AV plus system no one will vote for them either.

BNP
The BNP don’t want AV either. They see it as unfair that as voters rank their favourite candidates the traditional white ballot papers would have to incur such an increased level of black markings.

English Democrats
The English (not British) Democrats actually support the AV system – at fucking last - sadly there are only three of them and all four are batshit crazy.

Christian Peoples Alliance
They may be irrational but that doesn’t stop them having a coherent policy. As their leader says himself under the current system "the same party wins every time”. Apart from 1802. And 1806. Oh and 1830. Whoops don’t forget about 1835 and 1841. And 1847. Or 1852, Yes, the same winner every time. No wait there was 1857, 1874, 1880, 1885, 1895, 1906, 1922, 1923, 1924, 1929, 1935, 1945, 1951, 1964, 1970, 1974, 1979, 1997 and finally 2010 when we all lost. And anyway, if you local area is shit, it's because God wanted it that way.

Respect
No, they feel that AV is not representative enough either and that democracy is being let down by the state. Is it ‘cos the voting pencil is black?

Jury Team
The Jury Team is definitely in support of limiting government borrowing to 10% of expenditure on a time machine to take them all back to the 1950s. They aren’t in favour of AV (that would be mad, look at this list for who is). No they are against the whole referendum! I don’t know why they are moaning anyway, 2011 is just like 1951. No one can afford a banana.

Communist Party
You’ll never guess - but they aren’t up for AV either. They are, however, in favour of a radically more representative voting system, whereby a few hundred people, motivated by their lust for power and a desire to avoid hard labour, rubber stamp the lunatic ravings of 6 debauched old men who are at the safe end of a loaded gun. Everyone else will be given a single, transferable potato. The lucky bastards.

Turkeys In Iceland Vote Against Christmas Shock

News that the people of Iceland had voted 'No' in the referendum asking if they should pay back money to investors has been met by clamours from millions of British children who want to move to the mid-Atlantic island.

“Daddy said that the people of Iceland did not have to follow rules and stuff. They don't have to take out rubbish or tidy their rooms or anything but they still get all their pocket money,” said Mary, aged 11. “I bet they also get to stay up late and eat just donut icing for their tea. It's probably why the country is called Iceland.”

The demand from British children to move to Iceland came after the Icelandic government, led by the sloped-shouldered Prime Minister Jóhanna Sigurðardóttir, decided not to fulfil their international commitments. Since people might shout at them they decided to pass the buck onto the people who pay them to make such decisions on their behalf.

“It is complicated to pay squillions and squillions back, since if we did it we'd probably have to raise taxes and this would mean less sweets for the children of Iceland, which is all we eat of course,” said Ms Sigurðardóttir, 9, from her bouncy castle in Reykjavík North. “It has nothing at all to do with me then being voted out of office for making other Icelandic children sad you baddies.”

The leader of the ruling Teflon Party said that it had considered all available options in terms of fulfilling its international obligations but the sums were very hard indeed. Instead they asked all of the other Icelandic children over 18 to vote on whether they would like to do something unpleasant or not.

“We discussed whether we could make a tent and hide under our duvets, or perhaps all phone up Britain and say we have funny tummies,” said the Prime Minister. “We were as shocked as anyone at the result of the referendum question 'Should we pay back money to Britain and Holland who are just being mean, horrible bullies?' So there!”

The UK treasury said that it was going to pursue every avenue possible to reclaim the €4bn that it felt it was owed.

“If they won't pay back money owed then clearly no one is going to be lending them more money in the future. This might not be a good long-term position for them to be in, given their country is essentially a volcano covered in dead fish and seal poo,” said Chancellor George Osborne, 12, from his Whitehall rumpus room. “But most importantly I shall be raising the important issue at the next meeting of the world's Finance Ministers, that Iceland’s Minister, Billings Billingssen smells and has a small willy.”

Electoral Reform Means Aston Villa To Be Crowned Premier League Champions In May

As the rival camps set out their cases for the referendum in May, Nick Clegg, leading champion of the Yes campaign revealed his desire to spread AV to all walks of life and to realise his dream he was prepared to fight to the last councillor.

"Alternative to Voting is a key principle that the LibDem people are fighting for, it is in fact the only LibDem policy in the Glorious People's Listening Revolutionary Coalition,” said the self-appointed Deputy Prime Minister. “And there is no reason why a simple 'first past the post system' should be able to decide anything.”

Under the new Alternative to Voting system, traditions such as the competing party getting the most points being declared winners will be swept aside as the 2010 LibDem People's Democratic revolution continues.

“I am, and I therefore assume everyone else is, a passionate supporter of football, steeplechasing and golf, just as I am a supporter of tuition fees for students, a privatised health system and the ideological cuts of the far right,” said Colonel Nick Clegg. “As the glorious Yellow Week of May has shown, it is the career aspirations of the LibDem minority that must be represented in government and adopting the Alternative to Voting system we can continue the glorious Yellow Revolution indefinitely.”

Today's Grand National will be awarded to the leading horse whose jockey is wearing Yellow silks, and the prized Master's green jacket will be handed from last year's winner to the player with the lowest 72-hole score, who will then hand it on to Mr Clegg who will pronounce himself winner and the jacket to be yellow coloured.

“Aston Villa, David Cameron's favourite team and therefore one I support wholeheartedly, have scored more goals in Birmingham than any other side whose name begins with A that has a French manager, and so clearly they would pick up the primary votes in that category and so will be Premier League champions.” explained the architect of the nation's democratic future. “Apart from Arsenal, who won't win under any system.”

Gaddafi Considers Future On The X-Factor Tour

Aspiring Tom Jones impersonator, Muammar 'Colonel' Gaddafi, has reacted defiantly to the missile bombardment from US and UK naval assets and the as yet completely un-surrendered French airforce.

“History has shown that I will prevail and I am fully on top of all of the events in the Middle East and elsewhere,” Gaddafi said in a radio address. “I have reached out to our brother who has had such success handling rebellion, his Excellency Saddam Hussein.”

Colonel Gaddafi said that not only was he convinced that the people of Libya were prepared to die for him, he said that he would ensure their wishes were fulfilled.

“Clearly Brother Saddam is a very busy despot, but he has experience of killing his own citizens that will be invaluable,” explained the Libyan leader. “I have also extended my hand in solidarity for the advice of the President of Yugoslavia – Slobodan Milosevic, who I am sure will call back soon too.”

Colonel Gaddafi continued his address by insisting that he had no intention of ever leaving Libya and that he wanted to continue as the country's leader as long as he was beloved by his people and they were shooting only his enemies.

“My ministers have been using the last Internet connection in Libya to check Wikipedia for stories of the triumphs of my peers, Saddam’s what?” continued Gaddafi in his radio address. “Oh, and Slobodan too? Really? And Stars in Their Eyes has gone too?”

Mr Gaddafi broke off his speech to ask of the fates of other power mad dictators, such as Pol-Pot and Augusto Pinochet. He was audibly heartened to learn that Simon Cowell was still alive. The Libyan leader then abruptly ended his speech by announcing there would be a medley of inspiring songs to rouse the people in his favour.

“Do you think Davina will do another celebrity special?” he was heard to ask. “Now, who wants to hear Delilah again?”

Defiant LibDem Leader : "All My People Love Me"

Embattled 'Colonel' Nick Clegg today rounded on his critics claiming that he was much loved and that it was outside agencies that were spreading rumours of protests. He also refuted ideas that he was no more than the honorary leader of the LibDem people and urged his coalition to “capture the rats” threatening Downing Street.

"No-one is against us. Against us for what? Because I'm not a leader. They love me. All my people are with me, they love me all, no one is protesting against me, the thousands outside this hall in Sheffield all love me.” explained the self-styled Deputy Prime Minister.

‘Colonel’ Clegg, whose regime of terror began when he held 60 million people hostage for 6 days in the summer of 2010, denied that he was ever the leader of the LibDem people, especially after 3pm. In his rambling, incoherent address he was at great lengths to support those seeking greater representation.

"We need to continue the glorious May revolution where revolutionaries vanquished western so-called traditions - such as further education and comprehensive healthcare for all,” said ‘Colonel’ Clegg. “The LibDem people know what it is to live under the oppression of an unpopular and unwanted government. Which is why we have given so much support to the Conservatives.”

During his hour long, rambling, televised speech, ‘Colonel’ Clegg said that up and down the land, in pubs and clubs, at the school gates or in Facebook chats, the only thing that mattered to people was the move to the Alternative Voting system.

“My presence is to instigate and incite the people for any change that David Cameron wants,” said Nick ‘Deputy Prime Minister’ Clegg. “The people of LibDem having power is the true Alternative to Voting.”