Surreal Scoop

As Christmas Day unfolds across the USA, loved ones express their special relationships and gifts are exchanged, CNN has asked if Britain kept the receipt for Piers Morgan . “It was a nice offer, a nice thought, no very nice of you, very nice of you,,” said Ted Billingsworth, CEO of CNN. “But the Morgan is a fantasy figure and I am not sure it fits in with our collection – so, well we hope you kept the receipt and I could always exchange it for something else.” When CNN first received their Piers they initially overlooked the tacky packaging and dubious reputation as they were excited that the British veneer might add a level of class. However they quickly discovered that their new Piers did not integrate well, neither with gun nuts, nor sane people who like facts. “To be honest, when we first read the packaging we thought we were getting Piers Brosnan and well James Bond, you know, sheer class. Even Remington Steele, class. Morgan, not so,” explained Billingswor...

The NRA today confessed that its members were not very good at using guns and advised US authorities to get some professionals in to assist with school security. "The only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun and we have always asserted that Bubba and his AR15 can lend his amateurish enthusiasm to the problem,” said the NRA's French sounding Wayland LaBillingsworth. "These school shootings are never stopped by a gun carrying citizen. It’s now time for only professional Americans use weapons of death. " Mister, or perhaps Monsieur, LaBillingsworth's comments came during a press conference when he was forced to admit that the National Rifle Association's age old policy of equipping every US citizen with an assault weapon and armour piercing grenades didn't seem to stop mass shootings across the country. “One of our members was at a library protesting about books on Dinosaurs. He said that he saw a book on the British Armed fo...

Gwynedd council has controversially rejected a planning application from the Israeli government requesting to build new Jewish settlements in the non-contested Golan area, near Snowdonia national park. “We studied the request in detail but found it came up short in a number of areas, such as the impact on the local transport infrastructure or the impact of Hebrew speakers on the Welsh language,” said councillor Dafydd Billingsworth-Jones. “Oh and the fact that Israel has no claim to Wales or the UK.” The Israeli foreign ministry has responded angrily to the rejection and says that it may be forced to take the plan to the United Nations, or even to take direct action itself. “Golan is, and always shall be, Israeli land - no matter where it actually is. Israelis have a historic right to live in peace in our land, and we will deploy tanks as well as bulldozers to secure that peace,” said a spokesman. “And we refute the council's report as we always said we would improv...

The career of former gopher spokesman, Phillip Schofield, was said to be in danger of remaining as fatuous as ever amid the fallout from his interview with David Cameron. “ it is essential that it is understood that I would never be part of any kind of journalism,” said the professional recipe taster. “I am deeply sorry if it appeared that I was doing so from a mis-judged career angle.” The row erupted after the part-time ice skating talent show host presented the PM with a list of names that he had found on the internet and that he insisted where those of known paedophiles. The names are listed below to ensure that justice is served for those who suffered at the hands of the “This Morning” production ring:- The one with his hand up Gordon the Gopher. When it wasn't me of course That one who is Scottish and was often shown on Question Time wearing a blue tie. The junior government minister for health in the 70s. Or was it 80s? Or was it education? His brother. ...

George Lucas has announced that he has sold the Star Wars franchise to theatrical heritage authority Disney in a move to guarantee the future of Star Wars merchandising for another generation. “I think it is time I handed over the baton.  After 35 years, I really cannot think of anything else to stick Darth Vader’s image on,” said the mad revisionist as he signed the Star Wars ‘May the Courts be with you’ branded stationery of the contract using his LightSaber pen.  Senior First Executive Principle Vice President, Walter D. Billingsworth IV who followed Mr Lucas in signing the contract on behalf of Disney said that there was a lot of pent-up demand for further adventures in the Star Wars extended universe. “We have definite plans for the next movie in 2015 which will focus on the Ewoks who have to free their sacred talking candlestick from the Sheriff of Nottingham,” said Billingsworth.  “We think die-hard fans and newcomers alike will enjoy our re-interpretation o...

Surreal Scoop, in common with the excellent journalists at the country’s finest newspapers, and the Daily Mail, would like to express our sincere disgust that - despite 40 years of turning a blind-eye and a failure to investigate these terrible rumours that apparently everyone knew about - we can now safely pin the blame on a BBC employee who took an editorial decision several months after Jimmy Savile’s death. It is sickening to think of the depraved acts inflicted upon the innocent, and sometimes mentally impaired, members of the press who had to fend off inappropriate moves from the bejewelled paedo as we celebrated:- Jimmy Savile hard at it, up all night. As a porter in Leeds Hospital Jimmy Savile puffing and panting his way through numerous charity marathon runs Jimmy Savile down on his knees to receive his OBE, and his Knighthood Instead, we can now reveal after only forty years of not following rumours that Jimmy Savile was:- a serial paedophile a powerful media mog...

Scotland's new King in waiting, Alex of Salmond, today refuted claims that he is making up policy on the spot. He also denied that he was making a desperate bid to secure his coronation before grown-up Scots sober up and realise life probably isn't all England's fault after all and hastily reverse their plan to allow children to vote. “I have been entirely clear and consistent when I said all along that Scotland would be an independent nation in Europe and use the Euro as its currency,” said King Alex from what will one day be his palace in Holyrood. “Sterling is a fully convertible currency and hence I can convert my plan from the Euro by just saying it differently.” Alex “King” Salmond said that perhaps any confusion had arisen by journalists who might have used Siri and its triumph with regards to understanding the Scots . “I think you'll agree that Scotland is as close to Europe as Scandinavia and since Vikings came over to Britain many years ago I can convert our e...

Fiona, the world’s fastest Agony Aunt is here for you! With the help of her team of counsellors and sex therapists she’ll answer sexual, relationship, emotional and family problems for all ages. Dear Fi, I am a middle-aged family man with a secret. For many years now I have been secretly cross-dressing in women’s clothes. I have a small collection of dresses and shoes which I sneak onto business trips etc so that, when alone in my hotel room, I can dress as I feel I should and I can be myself. However despite society being so much more tolerant and liberal I can’t yet face going out in public. First of all though I need your guidance as to how I can tell my wife and two darling children. Yours, Martin, Norwich Dearest Martin, Most of us put on a performance to convince the rest of the world of something that, deep down inside, we know isn’t true and your transvestism is just another case. Take Red Bull Racing, for example. Whilst they may pretend that they are in fact an Austrian F1 te...