Surreal Scoop

Friends and relatives of Senator Robert “Tex” Menendez were said to be by his bedside as he recovered from the news that not everywhere in the world was in the United States. “I say I was powerful taken aback to discover that there are countries outside of the US, I say outside of the US,” said Tex Menendez, yesterday. “Our founding fathers must have invented other countries in 1776. May God bless them.” Senator Menendez was said to have spent the day studying his Globe of the USA after it was broken to him that not only was Scotland part of the United Kingdom it was not part of the United States. “I rode down the corridors of the capitol trying to find the Senator for Scotland. I was figured on a meeting with him and sort this out over some fine sipping whisky,” said Tex Menendez. “But there was just no fixing post to tie my horse for Scotland, I say no post to tie my horse to. Do you hear me boy?” The news that Scottish and UK officials were not elected by US citizens was broken to ...

The British Prime Minister today insisted that his recent diplomatic tour was a triumph for his “new politics” and not the blunderings of a drunk toddler. “This is New History, that complements perfectly the New Politics and the New Mathematics that my government is championing,” said Mr Cameron on the final leg of his tour. “It is a decisive break from the past and so called facts.” Mr Cameron was responding to criticism of his recent comments regarding the role of Britain in 1940, the situation in Gaza and the propensity of jihadis to always seem to have been trained in Pakistan. “Clearly Britain was a junior partner to the US in 1940, look at the economic growth figures,” said Dave. “It’s all very nice single-handedly defending freedom around the world, but it didn’t have as good an impact on GDP as the American’s approach of selling us loads of stuff.” Mr Cameron elaborated that the core principle of New History was to ensure that you spoke directly to the immediate audience and t...