Is Johnny Ethnic too sensitive about so-called “racist” language?

Whilst Prince Harry’s usage of the phrase "our little Paki friend" and referring to "ragheads" took place three years ago it now transpires that Prince Charles and his former polo-pony Camilla continually refer to an Asian friend as "Sooty" and rarely a day goes by without Prince Philip using the term "dego, slant-eyed, chink, wap of a paki-wog curry-eating paddy" when referring to the Prime Minister.

"I think the question for Britain to ask herself is whether or not the time has come to re-evaluate how we refer to people from the colonies," said language historian Sir Hillary Billingsworth. "It is not what you say, it is how you say it. For example people from Pakistan object to hearing the term ‘paki’ because they are aware it comes with the silent suffix ‘bastard’ whereas Australians happily respond to ‘aussie’ because they are too dense to understand the implied add-on ‘git’."

Mr Billingsworth said that it was this subtlety that made the English language the richest in the world but it was sophistication lost on those foreigners that claim it as their first language with seemingly many Britons also failing to understand.

"Those that are apologising for the Royals simply don’t grasp the beauty of unstated menace," said Billingsworth a professor at the Jeremy Kyle University. "Whilst American tourists smile at being called ‘yanks’ by a darling cabbie charging them £150 for the apparent two hour ride from the Houses of Parliament to the London Eye, via Heathrow, they need to understand the prefix ‘stupid fat’ goes without saying."

The same he said was true for the lower orders – ‘thieving’ was a given when used with the friendly term ‘scouser’ and paddies should be aware of the ‘drunken’ and ‘git’ brackets that readers of the The Telegraph see written between the lines.

"I want to make it clear, this isn’t xenophobic, racist or even class-based, it can apply to many other things," explained Sir Hillary. "For over half a century the suffix ‘twat’ has been applied to the phrase ‘Daily Mail Reader’."

Prince William “disappointed at missing another fight”

HRH Prince William was said to be deeply upset at having missed out on another chance at combat, having left a drinking den just hours before a fight broke out at a Cornwall night-club.

"He is gutted," said a drinking pal. "This is the second time he has missed out on some fighting after not being sent to Iraq."

In a bizarre repetition of the events that culminated in the Ministry of Defence refusing to deploy the future King into a role for which he had spent many months training, Prince William once again saw all his efforts at preparation for the conflict in the pub in Newquay come to nought as security staff ushered him outside before trouble broke out.

"He'd spent several hours getting into the right frame of mind. His group had downed dozens of shots. He was prepared like any squaddie in a pub," said the pal. "At anyone time they had a stockpile of a dozen glass bottles lined up on the table, ready to go."

The Prince is said to be frustrated at repeatedly missing out on the action. He has publicly devoted much of his time to the most traditional avenues for getting involved in violence – the army and continual and repeated heavy drinking in public.

"He is at a bit of a loss to be honest, every time he tries to get into a punch-up he is thwarted at the last minute," said the friend

"He is in despair and just wants to get away from all the press and public, maybe drop out of public life and try a role in industry."


NEWS UPDATE:

Family firm Billingsworth Bar Snacks today announced that the future King of England, Prince William, had agreed to take up a new role as roving ambassador.

"We think that the Prince can help realise some significant growth in sales using his renowned personal charisma," said Joseph Billingsworth, CEO. "In particular he is keen to try door-to-door sales of our new range of Pork Scratchings at South London mosques."

Brown reveals plans for Duchess of York Commemoration

As the tenth anniversary of Tony Blair’s coining of the immortal phrase "People’s Princess" approaches Gordon Brown today revealed further plans to follow in his predecessor’s footsteps.

"Tony Blair made great capital out of the statement he gave after the apparent death of Diana," said the Prime Minister. "I plan to improve my popularity in the UK and internationally, especially in the United States, by invoking similar platitudinal sentimentality regarding the death of the Divvie’s Duchess."

As with many leading figures the arrangements for the funeral and commemoration of Sarah Ferguson are made years in advance but in this case are being brought forward on a political schedule. To ensure that the shared grief is as media friendly as possible the pavements outside Gregg’s pasty shops will be cordoned off for laying of flowers and stuffed ‘Budgie the helicopter’ toys. Wedgewood pottery, who she has spent several years promoting, are already stockpiling commemorative ceramic ‘Fergie toes’ for remembrance sucking.

Several ski resorts around the world will be offering free lift passes for the day of the memorial service, to honour the tradition of Sarah Ferguson’s many holidays at other’s expense.

Whilst many people think Sarah, Duchess of York is the kind of person who would be late for her own funeral, Downing Street said that despite being alive and well "she has time to make our schedule."

At the memorial service itself, fellow celebrity ginger, Elton John, will perform a specially adapted version of his hit duet now entitled "Don’t go baking the tart (She’d rather have it fried)".

A spokesman for Buckingham Palace revealed that whilst there were no truth in conspiracy theories surrounding Royal complicity in the death of Diana, Princess of Wales, the Palace would "definitely be part of any arrangements" surrounding the unfortunate death of Fergie.

Queen condemns paparazzi intrusion

Today, in a break with tradition, Her Majesty the Queen lashed out at the media and what she feels is the constant intrusion of press-pack and photographers into her life. Queen Elizabeth II is said to be the person who has had more photographs and other likenesses of her than any other person in human history but it seems that it may finally, after 55 years as monarch, be getting too much.

"Everywhere one goes, one is photographed." said the reigning monarch. "Sometimes we feel as though we live in the constant blindness of a seemingly infinite number of flashbulbs."

The Queen is said to be particularly unhappy about the trend within recent years for the press to want more candid images of her and less formal portraiture.

"The younger generations of the family seem to suffer it worse. However nowadays one can expect to see images of one paying for drinks in west end nightclubs and even paying for fares on the bus. I believe there is also one of me on Holiday. It can get somewhat tiresome".

Historically of course the establishment had a more "arms length" relationship with the press and back in the 1950s, when Her Majesty came to power, other areas of the print media were altogether more respectful. For example Buckingham Palace was easily able to get the Bank of Fleet Street‘s £5 note to commemorate Queen Elizabeth’s coronation changed to replace the originally planned topless image.