“Mow our lawns, and take our rubbish out” demand postmen

Postmen across the UK are stepping up their demands that we do their jobs for them by popping “Sorry, I can't be arsed, wash my car for me.” cards through letterboxes up and down the country in their desire to free up as much time as possible to play snooker.

“A few years ago a postman used to 'deliver' things like parcels, sometimes before you even got out of bed,” said leading work-dodging expert Jeff Billingsworth, reading from someone else's report. “Now they find it easier to deliver small bits of card asking you to do their jobs for them.”

The practice started with the infamous “Sorry you were out” cards that magically appear on your doormat whilst you stare at the front door hoping to hear the approach of the postninja. Increasingly customers are now finding “Do my washing, please” cards and “Since I am out early in the morning, can you take the rubbish out and give the missus a good seeing-to for me” cards.

“I think we need to understand the impact that actually delivering your parcel to you would have on the postman's round,” said Billingsworth. “On average a postie walks two miles around a snooker table by lunchtime. Actually doing his job might mean he doesn't get to his euphemistically named 'Working Men's Club' until the afternoon.”

The rise in the use of so called “Sorry, we're too lazy” cards was revealed in an internal Royal Mail memo entitled “Parcel Delivery in the 21st century – do we look like fucking Father Christmas?”.

However, a leading postal union denied that this practice was widespread and insisted that if it occurred at all it was not due to idleness on the part of postmen, but caused by the nature of the parcels being delivered.

“Clearly the public are increasingly shopping online leading to a huge increase in parcels in the system, not all of which can be delivered at the first attempt,” said a spokesman for postal workers. “And anyway what they are buying is too shit for us to bother nicking.”