Trends For Autumn / Winter Fashion “Dresses / skirts, trousers, maybe blouses, definitely tops of some kind. And shoes. But mostly sweatpants.”

The leading fashion houses of Milan, Paris and London are gearing up to tell women how to express their individuality by looking the same as each other. Unlike previous years experts believe [insert year as variable to save re-writing every 12 months] is going to lead to some ground-breaking fashion statements on the High Street.

“Oh darling, yes, it will be marvellous, so new, fresh, refreshing and so, so new,” squealed fashionista Saaraaa Bylingzwerthe. “There will be skirts you know, that will be a little bit shorter, or longer, than last year. Oh darling, how outrageous!”

Indeed magazine editors are already poring over the latest sketches of skirts to determine what the new thing in skirts is going to be, a general consensus is that it will continue to be like a single very wide trouser that you can put both legs down.

“But it will definitely be shorter, if it isn’t longer than last year,” said Ms Bylingzwef. “Although, radically, they could be kept the same length. How scandalous!”

There are rumours that this year’s round of fashion will include something to be worn above a skirt, some sort of top if you will.

“I think that is very likely, it may be a blouse, or a chemise, even a shirt. Tee, or otherwise. But how many sleeves will it have? We just don’t know yet. It’s just totally quixotic,” claimed one magazine editor. “Actually it will be two, the tops will have two sleeves.”

The key demographic for fashion of both sexes is largely those people who wish to wear clothes although the shoe market is polarised along gender divides.

“Since time began men’s fashion has been dominated by men having soft feet and having to walk on rough or even wet terrain and wanting to prevent their feet from damage,” said one fashion historian. “For women it is the opposite – it is madness to consider buying a pair of shoes that you can wear for longer than you could walk barefoot over broken glass.”

However the fashion industry has revealed that it fears for its future, as the key 16 to 25 year old female demographic seems to have very individual tastes that are not being catered for by the major labels.

“Yeah, well I just want to dress like a badly dressed boy. You know grey sweatpants or maybe something that looks like pyjamas when I am out shopping or spitting, or in court,” said Bekkkki 23. “Basically something that is hard wearing and doesn’t show the cider or piss stains.”

China lambastes UK's Human Rights record

The Chinese government today launched a scathing attack on Britain's Human Rights record citing a list of persecutions and abuse of political prisoners, particularly those imprisoned in central London.

“It is appalling that in the 21st century a country is able to treat people so harshly, especially when the victim has committed no crime other than have political views,” said Yin Birrings, the Politburo Under Secretary for Prisoner Re-education and China's leading Cattle-Prod Salesman. “The treatment meted out to Gordon Brown would never be allowed in the People's Republic.”

The Chinese list includes accusations that Mr Brown has been badly dressed, is a one-eyed simpleton, suffers from depression and emphasises the end of a sentence by making a face as though he has followed through.

“We are perhaps old fashioned. Unlike the sophisticated British press we in China do not expect our leaders to go on holiday and be photographed wearing a mankini,” said Birrings. “We would not tolerate our leader receiving such a level of abuse as Mr Brown faces. Although we are surprised that he has killed so few of his critics. Apparently none! Clearly Britain has a lot to learn from the Chinese.”

The British government denied that there was a systematic persecution of the Prime Minister, emphasising that he was as focussed as ever on the key issues facing the country.

“We need to rise above personality based politics, “ said a spokesman for Number 10. “Which is what accusations of ruining the economy, ill-equipping troops and ruining the Health Service are. The Prime Minister wishes to focus on policy matters, such as next year's X-Factor.”

The government moved to further refute any ideas that Gordon Brown was not being well cared for and that he was in good spirits whilst being detained in Downing Street. Sources say that he is expected to be released in May.

“We all have changes in moods,” said a spokesman for Number 10. “If everyone told me I was a wanker fifteen times a day for 2 years I might feel a little down.” The spokesman was then quick to re-iterate that any rumours of the PM suffering from depression were just part of a smear campaign.

“China has a long outsourcing history with Britain,” explained Mr Birrings. “If your PM does have mental problems just send him over here and we will execute him.”

Women too fat to see their own feet complain M&S shoes make them look frumpy

The board of Marks & Spencer was today reeling from an onslaught of complaints made during the company's Annual General Meeting that its shoes make middle-aged women weighing over 18 stone look unattractive.

“I shop with my daughter, since we are both big boned and can only see each others' feet,” said Irene Billingsworth, shopping with her daughter, Jean. “No matter which pair we tried on, we both felt that none of them made us look like size 10 models.”

Marks and Spencer said that they were convinced that they had a wide range of shoes in their stores and that they attempted to provide stylish footwear for all.

“But, frankly, they are shoes, if you are wearing a size 20 dress you need a hall of mirrors to look good,” said a spokesman. “We sell shoes not bloody miracles.”

Shareholders also complained that the range of clothing on offer for shoppers who know where the escalators are, but not the stairs, was not flattering enough. They point to other retailers, such as Evans - the retailer for women who are pleased their stores are near Greggs pie shop, which has recently launched a new designer range.

“We are really pleased to announce the new Beth Ditto Collection,” said an Evans spokesman. “It is an especially good value range, having been derived from a former deal with Millets for a brand of floral print tents.”

The high street challenge of looking good is not confined solely to the female pie enthusiast, and it is hoped the new range endorsed by breakfast time news avoider Eamonn Holmes will provide for the larger gentleman too. The range includes an extra high desk and wide screen laptop to hide behind.

Builders snap up designer tools

The last few years have seen an increase in large, well-appointed and sophisticated four-wheel drive pick-up trucks on the nation’s roads. Contrary to perceived wisdom they are not driven by selfish, power crazed and environmentally ignorant middle-class mothers on the school run. Instead it is the country’s builders and onsite engineers, plumbers, painters and decorators bidding to shed their dirty, paint-covered images in favour of a modern designer look.

Indeed, the growth in demand for these sophisticated work vehicles has spawned a growth in designer tools and clothing for the construction industry.

"I used to have a Toyota pickup. It was white and beaten up, had vinyl seats and didn’t really like cold weather. All the lads took the Mickey so I got a Mitsubishi Shogun Elegance," said Gordon Billingsworth, a bricklayer from Chatham. "Of course, now I have to bring two sets of overalls and a change of shoes. I don’t want any dirt on the carpets. And I never park it on site anymore, far too muddy."

This was just the start he says, now Gordon, and several of his workmates can be seen on building sites sporting shiny chrome trowels from Yves Saint Lauren hanging on their ‘Rocha. John Rocha’ leather tool belts.

"I feel much more empowered now," explained Gordon. "More confident as a craftsman. I don’t dress for the other builders, I dress for myself and my own self esteem."

There has always been fierce competition in the building trade, and Gordon says that this is showing in how the men present themselves.

"Oh, definitely. I know I was gutted when one of the lads came to work in a new pair of steel toe capped boots by Jimmy Choo," he said. "If I am honest, that was the reason I spent £800 on the Louis Vuitton Hod."