Unpleasant, self-serving people revealed to be self-serving and unpleasant.

After months of campaigning, where each side accused each other of spreading fear, the UK EU referendum produced a surprise result, that the side which was promoting hatred and division, blaming ills on minorities in society along with obviously misleading statistics has been revealed to be composed of unpleasant people purely out for their own ends.

“This has been a complete shock to me, I never expected people who were transparently only in it for their own careers to be self-serving,” said one disillusioned Briton. “And, the guys blaming everything on the immigrants it turns out they are quite unpleasant people.”

One of the leading self-servers, Boris Johnson, defended his behaviour during the campaign, whilst making a speech to ensure everyone understood he could be a bit prime ministerial.

“Look, gosh, no I won’t say that, let me start again. And notice the low, deliberate tone of my speech, very much like Churchill. So, let’s start again,” he said wondering whether or not to grasp his lapels. “Now, it not a time for recrimination. I have campaigned all along to make sure that I will be Prime Minister, erm that Britain should leave the EU. Despite being pretty consistent that there was no need for a referendum, and that leaving the EU would cause uncertainty in business, tying up the government for years and not solve any of the country’s problems, I realised that staying in would not solve my problem, of being able to stick on one Gideon Osbourne and thus become PM. Cripes, I mean, Oh yes.”

Another unpleasant man backed Mr Johnson stating that the EU referendum was about more than mere facts, or a desire to improve things.

“No, now let’s be clear, I was a key part of one of a government that has cut more from services that the poorest people depend on, at no point was I ever going to invest more money in the NHS, even now that I can return to the cabinet since I am on the winning Leave side.” said Ian Duncan Smith from his underground lair. “So to be clear, if we don’t give £350m per week to the EU, which we don’t, then we can spend that on the NHS, which we won’t. I can’t be clearer than that, I never said we would spend £350m per week on the NHS. So, there, let’s get on with spending £350m per week on the NHS. Which we won’t.”

One of the other key unpleasant men has also achieved his own personal aims which involved a desire to experience time travel.

“Whether it be education, or justice, in whatever role I had in government, my solution to every problem has been to simply try to do what we used to do many years ago,” said the former, current actor. “And I want to go further. When everyone pointed out that my solution to improving GCSE standards was simply to introduce O-Levels, I went further, and suggested that parents teach the classes, just like they probably did in the middle ages. I don’t know O-level history was very hard when I was at school,” said Gove as he was being stroked by Ian Duncan Smith. “Oh, that’s lovely. And, further now I get to turn back clock to when I was born, and Britain wasn’t in the EU. With luck we can recreate having to go to the IMF for a loan.”

However it would be unfair to say that the Leave campaign was only composed of unpleasant men. There are unpleasant women too.

“I think it’s ridiculous that people think I am ridiculous for saying that it’s not the Leave campaign that should have a plan for leaving the EU, clearly we can leave that to the Prime Minster who campaigned to stay,” said Julia Hartley-Brewer an MP and someone who makes the law of the land, no seriously. “I am just here to make noise, not to actually do anything. So you can’t hold me responsible for carrying out the things I have said should be done. That is man’s work. I think. I’ll obviously have to ask Boris to make sure.”

EU referendum campaigners warn of more attacks by Godzilla

As the country nears the crucial EU referendum more and more detail is being revealed about the impacts and perils of leaving, or remaining part of, the European Union.  With just a few weeks to go, the arguments are increasingly becoming technical, sifting carefully through mountains of economic and social data to tease quanta of vital information and illuminate of the intricacies of a decision that will affect all, or no one, in our everyday lives.

“It’s absolutely clear that if Britain leaves the EU then we expose ourselves to increased risk of foreign invasion, specifically from the Orient, from the East, from that giant of Asia,” explained David Cameron.  “I refer of course to Godzilla, and how Britain would once again have to fight as it’s cities are crushed under radioactive, reptilian feet.”
However the Brexit camp was quick to move to counter what they said was unwarranted, scaremongering based purely on hyperbole.

“Nonsense, Britain would not be alone! Golly of course not, Britain is head of the Commonwealth, a group of 53 countries, 2 billion people,” explained Boris Johnson.  “And, let us be sure, the home of King Kong who we could surely enlist in this titanic struggle.”

Campaigners have been quick to seize on the subtle details of EU treaties, intentional trade deals and political manifestos in a bid to bring clarity and understanding to the people of the UK faced with making a difficult choice in such a technical subject as the benefits, or otherwise, of continued EU membership.

“Indeed, not only has Boris so eloquently described how Britain and the commonwealth are exceptionally unique in having such an abundance of 60 foot tall prehistoric apes. Indeed it is to the seas that this great trading nation of ours should look and form new alliances,” explained Nigel Farage. “Outwards to the global Commonwealth and to the riches of the Pacific, where we are sure to be able to form a trade deal with the Kaiju.”

This EU exit strategy has been attacked from many sides, principally the assumption that leaving the EU would cause the immediate cessation of trade with the continent and indeed that said trade can be just as instantly be replaced with that with other sources.

“An alliance of this sort would be worrying indeed.  We would obviously then be limited in our access to Jaeger technology, that way lies isolationism, totalitarianism,” explained Jeremy Corbyn. “Britain might well be driven into the arms of the Decepticons as a counterbalance.”

“All this talk of any alliance in the Pacific is of course complete and utter nonsense, and a conspiracy of the highest order,” blasted George Galloway. “Everyone knows the Pacific Ocean is a hoax perpetrated by Zionists.”

One former politician has come out of seclusion to weigh in on the current situation in British politics, feeling that only now can he finally be clear about where he stands on the crucial debate.

“Look, whether it be Conservative, or Labour, nationalist or socialist, please stop trying to quote me and drag me into your debates,” complained Adolf Hitler from his bunker in the Canary Islands. “My reputation has suffered enough over the years without being linked to Boris Johnson or Ken Livingston.”

Caesar's speech on future of Europe offers hope of greater role for himself

David “Caesar” Cameron today revealed his intention to desperately assert his role in the centuries old conflict over the future of Europe within the Conservative Party.

“It's time to ask important questions about the Treaty of Rome, some say we should be fearful of asking, “ said Caesar. “But cowards die many times before their deaths. The valiant never taste of death but once.”

Caesar laid out his plans for a referendum on whether the Conservative Party should openly rebel against his leadership or simply continue to tear itself apart leading to the eventual end of his career just as it had his predecessors.

“I am constant as the Northern Star,” explained Cameron with the Conservation Party united directly behind him as he urged for a referendum on Britain's relationship with other countries, “Get going! Run to your houses, fall on your knees, Pray to the gods to stop the Hague!”

Unfortunately, a party soothsayer lamented that Caesar's fate is sealed in the stars because neither the Tories themselves, nor the other member states, could ever agree on a role for Britain within the EU.

“Those hard hearts and the cruel men of Rome will prevent Caesar continuing to act into the fifth year of the next parliament,” said the sage. “He will of course be stabbed in the back at the beginning of the third year. His political epitaph is likely to be 'Et tu Boris?'.”

Demonstrators In Dublin Ask “Why Is 2010 Unique On The International Begging Front?”

Thousands of people are marching through the streets of Dublin asking why after 37 years of handouts the government has decided that this year is the time to reign in spending.

“What’s the craic with all this talk of balancing the books, and spending only what we earn?” asked Patrick O’Billingsworth. “We have been getting a couple of billion a year from the EU all my life – what is so different now?”

Many protestors see the current situation as just an extension of three decades of Dublin policy by begging for a few extra billion Euro.

“Looks like our number’s are finally up, on the Eurobillions draw! Ah, to be sure, we’re the loveable Irish so everyone is happy to pay for us,” said O’Billingsworth. “If they know what is good for them.”

Despite the so-called “Celtic Tiger” boom being brought to an abrupt halt when Ronan Keating announced he was moving to Dubai. The government in Dublin was only forced into action after years of running huge deficits by the realisation that Terry Wogan really has retired.

“Ireland here is the victim, always, now what was the question?” explained Taoiseach Brian Cowen. “The people of Ireland have to understand that an economy based upon dancing without moving your arms is unsustainable. Now, give us your focking money!”

However it is felt by most that the Irish gravy train has finally hit the buffers and that it is up to the people of Ireland themselves to resolve the current crisis.

“Perhaps we Irish do need to live within our means. I am proud to have been born in Ireland and it is still the greatest place to live in the world,” said O’Billingsworth, from his regular stool in a Liverpool pub. “I’d live there myself if I wasn’t a victim of something or other. Can you lend us a couple of quid for another Guinness? Give us your focking money!”

It is to the millions of Irish patriots that have lived all their lives in the UK and America that the country may now turn to restart it’s failing economy.

“Tourism is one answer, since everyone loves the Irish. Don’t you! We are the victims here, remember,” said Mr Cowen TD. “We have a promotional campaign at foreign international airports offering Dublin for a fiver. You can own the city of Cork for another Euro if you bring your family.”

The current Irish government is under increasing pressure after having its majority reduced in the Dail to two, following the loss of the Donegal SW constituency to Sinn Fein.

“This is a clear statement that Ireland’s economy is looking to Sinn Fein for financial expertise,” said a masked activist at the count. “We will raise the revenue required by being able to draw on latent reserves in kidnapping, extortion and world-class knee-capping.”

Fury As Icelandic Volcano Receives Payout

Following over a week of flight chaos caused by a huge cloud of ash from the erupting Eyjafjallajokull volcano there has been outrage at the settlement agreed with the enraged Icelandic resident, who many believe has held the European travelling public and airline industries to ransom.

“Forcing airlines to stop flying until your demands are reached? It's been extortion, pure and simple,” said Duncan Billingsworth of the Unite union. “That's our trick. Although hats off to that cloud of ash, we only managed to ground British Airways, not all airlines.”

The Volcano is believed to have been bought off by airlines that realised that unlike a normal weather system, a Volcano may be able to keep its disruption up for decades, forcing many airlines out of business. Some carriers have had to run disrupted flight plans on increasingly convoluted routes through Spain in a desperate attempt to get passengers to their destinations, and avoid paying expensive hotel bills.

“We have been forced to land a lot of our flights to Germany at airports in Madrid,” said a spokesman for Ryanair. “This has of course caused some disruption for Ryanair passengers trying to get to Germany as Spain is closer than we normally fly them.”

Airline manufacturers and operators across the globe have gained more information and understanding of the impact of volcanic ash on aero-engines. This has led to the re-opening of European airspace and the gradual re-uniting of thousands of whining passengers stranded overseas with their moaning families back in the UK.

“Meteorologists and volcanologists are undecided as to exactly when the skies of Britain will finally be free from the gloom of this overbearing cloud damaging the economy,” said one satirist. “Gordon Brown will be leaving office on May 6th, but the ash may linger for longer.”

Iceland has declined to comment on suspicions that following a year of economic turmoil, during which the entire country was effectively bankrupt, owing billions to international creditors, it raised some suspicions when the north Atlantic island was set on fire. Insurance experts will be scrutinising any insurance claims carefully.

Max Clifford has said that his new client, the Eyjafjallajokull volcano, will reveal the full details of its explosive blow-up in a forthcoming exclusive interview with Heat magazine.

MoD denies secret deal with al-Mahdi militia

Today the Ministry of Defence denied that any "accommodation" had been made with the notorious al-Mahdi militia which prevented the British Army from supporting the Iraqi and American armies in a recent assault in the Middle East.

"We simply agreed that our troops in Afghanistan would not move into the Middle East," explained General Bill Billington-Billingsworth from his office in Whitehall. "We would stay out as long as the Mahdi held position in Alberta and did not threaten our positions in the Western United States or indeed Brazil from their stronghold in North Africa."

Everything, said the General, would have been fine until the Iraqi team, frustrated by what they perceived to be a lack of support from General Billington-Billingsworth’s troops, launched an attack into the Middle East from what appeared to be a weak position in India.

"It seems that they did this without discussing it with the team from America who had nipped out to get some more beers from the fridge and returned to find their forces in the Ukraine under attack from the al-Mahdi’s," said Billington-Billingsworth discussing their week long Risk marathon.

The event had gone well, although whilst everyone had been focussed on the planned marathon session of the strategy board game Risk, the Iraqi and British teams had left it to the Americans to determine follow-up arrangements.

"It was assumed that there would at least be a couple of rounds of Diplomacy, said General Billington-Billingsworth. "However even though the Americans had forgotten to bring their board, the real problem was that there was no one around to tidy up the mess from a week’s drinking and munching on crisps and takeaways before my wife returned form visiting her mother."

It was this let down that led to some bad feeling and marred the otherwise enjoyable games session that may mean that the old university chums might not get together for some time.

"I am sure we will all remain friends, but I guess that’s why its just a bit of fun - you couldn’t run a real war like that could you?" asked Billington-Billingsworth. "Imagine how bad Iraq would have been if the yanks there had just focussed on the high-profile game completely forgotten about diplomacy and the aftermath of all the action? Oh I see."

Liverpool’s ‘08 car sharing scheme

Liverpool is currently alive with developments and programmes to celebrate its selection as the European ‘Capital of Culture 2008‘. Today, the City Council unveiled details of its new car-sharing programme to help residents and visitors alike move around the city in a fast, simple and environmentally responsible manner.

“We have always had probably Europe’s most advanced car sharing scheme,” explained Councillor Kenny Billingsworth. “Previously it was a bit more informal. However now we have produced a detailed guide to not only how the system works but also how to get the best out of it on your visit to the city or to one of our many exhibitions.”

The pamphlet entitled ‘Your car, our ride’ contains many hints, tips and maps to local hospitals and solicitors. Advice on the transport initiative includes :-

• The Car-sharing area is designated by environmentally friendly kerbside markers made of recycled car window chips next to car parking areas
• Whilst most makes and models are available in the scheme, it is best to choose a car that you feel most likely to be able to drive unobtrusively through the city, especially as some of the scheme’s more modern vehicles have sensitive alarms that can cause first time users embarrassment with local law enforcement officers
• Should the car not already be open, use one of our handy ‘Remote Unlock Token’ devices found in a nearby builder’s skip
• It is advisable to wear gloves at all times. There may be broken glass present in the vehicle and the finish of the car is spoiled by fingerprints.
• Upon reaching your destination do not worry about finding another scheme user to pass a car on to. In the event it is not be needed then it will be dismantled and disposed of by an experienced team of motor vehicle recyclers who operate on a citywide basis. The hubcaps will probably be recycled before you come to rest
• Liverpool will be a very busy city during the 2008 Year of Culture, so you may find that accommodation is difficult to find. However please do not be tempted to sleep in your car. Not only will this prevent it from being available to other scheme members but you may suffer frustration if you wake up to find the vehicle has come to the end of its life and is being burnt out.

Refugees flee France

Many hundreds of asylum seekers from all over the world are collecting in and around Calais and the small French town of Sangatte. They have travelled thousand of miles form Asia, the Middle-East and sub-Saharan Africa having each saved up several years wages to pay for their flight from civil war and genocide and each of them has the same aim. They want to get out of France.

“Yes, I escaped from Darfur, from the war and the killing.” said Salva al-Mahdi. “I travelled through Libya, a perilous crossing to Corsica and then finally through France. I cannot stay, it is terrible here.”

His feelings were echoed by many. All of whom dream of escaping the horrors of France and making their way across the Channel to the UK.

“I was tortured for 6 years in a Yemeni jail,” said Abdallah Mujawar. “But it was nothing like this. I dream of escaping France and getting to Britain.”

The French authorities are said to be embarrassed by the situation developing on the Brittany coast as thousands of illegal migrants - men, women and children who own only what they can carry and have suffered the most severe privations imaginable - risk life and limb to get away from French culture and society.

“They risk everything, hiding in lorries, trying to sneak aboard moving trains in the Channel Tunnel,” explained Jean-Claude Facturations-Valeer from the French Interior Ministry. “They just don’t seem to want to stay. We have baguettes, horsemeat, snails and every so often we aren‘t rude. I don‘t understand it.”

“I remember when I last talked to my wife, she is making her way to me here soon,” said a tearful Mr al-Mahdi. “What possessions we had were destroyed in fire. Our little place, it wasn’t much, was ransacked by looters. My daughter had been raped and my brother was killed late at night during a riot.” he said. “I asked her what we could do. She said it was my fault that we had come to Paris in the first place. We must escape.”

French strike over requirement to work

Members of the French union, the Federation Sans Travail, which include tour guides and information kiosk workers from the vast panoply of France’s public buildings and cultural services, today voted for strike action in protest at the requirement that they perform a days work for their pay.

“Our, members, who staff the information desks, or patrol the galleries of some of France’s most famous and historic buildings are fed up having to deal with the public,” explained Gilles Facturations-Valeer of the FST. “Our gallery attendants are not there to simply guide the public. They simply will not stand for it. Chairs are another of our demands.”

“All day, everyday, our members have to ask questions about where this is, how to get to that. It is very tiresome,” he explained. “Constantly having to remind people not to use flash photography – well this is intolerable for an assistant at an art gallery.”

It is feared that the strike action may spread to other areas of the French economy. France’s lorry drivers are already rumoured to have begun stockpiling fire lighters and kerosene at the country’s ports, should the day of the Museum worker’s strike be nice and sunny.

It is not clear if members of the Transport Worker’s union would also be taking part in the strike, since they refused to give a statement to English speaking media.

The curators of the Louvre and the Musee d’Orsay – the two institutions most heavily effected by the walk-out, said that the work to rule and refusal by FST members to provide assistance or information to members of the public would not in anyway effect the traditional image of Parisian helpfulness.

United States reacts to new European Leader

There were mixed reactions across the United States of America to the news that Michel Platini had been elected as the new President of UEFA. In bars and truck stops across the land the talk was all about the implications for Europe, relations with the US and the future of the Middle East.

"Well its good to see them using their new democratic powers that we gave them," commented Kurt Billingsworthski, a trucker from Ohio. "Having a Frenchman in charge, though, well that just turns them further against us."

Indeed, this was a sentiment echoed by Fox News, which led with "Europe votes for surrender – Frenchman elected as President!" in its evening broadcast. "This is further evidence of a weakness at the heart of Old Europe further turning its back on the United States." added political firebrand commentator Bill O’Reilly.

President Bush said that he welcomed the show of democracy within Europe, but warned "We must continue this fight on all fronts, Europeans must remain steadfast in their desire for freedom."

However whilst the layman was focussed on the news with regards to high level principles and values, others within George W. Bush’s administration seemed to be aware of more of the detail of the electoral issues. Condoleeza Rice commented "From an economic perspective we can work closely with our European partners, although we would hope to free up the regulatory framework around proposals for a salary cap. However the US is steadfast in its belief that reducing the number of qualification places for the Champion’s League can only be balanced by an increase in weaker league representation which would dilute the overall quality of the competition."

Back in his favourite bar, "Old Glory", Kurt felt that as the dust settles, the existing world order would not change substantially.

"Well, you know, internationally, the US team is still the envy of the world, and back home it has the finest, most sophisticated, richest and most entertaining league, " said Kurt. "Heck we now have that Damon Bradman coming from Spain. He will have to be in the prime of his career to compete in the MLS."

Price of Euro notes rising

Following a spate of revelations regarding the contamination of Euro notes with cocaine, the street price of the notes is now rising above face value.

The most prized notes are those from the Republic of Ireland, where a recent study found that 100% of the notes have traces of cocaine. However also prized are Spanish notes, as they are almost certain to contain the class A drug.

Patrick McHugh of the Central Bank of Ireland raised concerns over the money supply. “It is a double whammy, to be sure. Notes are being taken out of circulation by people trying to get their hands on the cocaine, this is putting a huge pressure on the amount of coinage in circulation. That is what is really getting up my nose.”

Garda Inspector Bill O’Reilly said that the effect on street life in Dublin was immediately noticeable. “Its pretty amazing watching people trading in the streets,” he said. “They are bartering way above market rates to get their hands on the notes. It just isn‘t normal to see people wandering the streets of Dublin with a pig under each arm. Normally the left one is empty.”

Fifty Euro notes seem the most prized as they contain the most cocaine. Currently they are have a value of €67each on the streets of Dublin.

Madrid Police say that their experience is similar to that of their Irish counterparts, only slightly less frenetic due to the lottery aspect of the clean 6% of notes. Spanish issued fifty Euro notes are currently trading on the street at €54.

“At some point the price going to be reflected in the markets when the big international money men get in on the act.“ explained Mr McHugh. “That is when we are really going to go high”