Hawking Rejects The Hand Of God Sees A Lucky Rabbit's Foot

In his forthcoming book, The Grand Design, Hawking has concluded that the Big Bang was an inevitable consequence of the laws of physics with no dependency on any action from God.

“It is not necessary to invoke God to light the blue touch paper,” he explains. “Quantum fluctuations - temporary changes in the amount of energy in a point in space, arising from Werner Heisenberg's uncertainty principle can create all possible matter – antimatter combinations. And anyway the universe was a present in Father Christmas's sack.”

In the book co-written by Leonard Mlodinow, Hawking sets a significant departure from his previous views on the subject, he now purports that the Easter Bunny was the prime catalyst for spontaneous creation from the particle soup chaos that led to the formation of the universe.

Hawking writes that he has always been a true believer ever since his childhood observation of Santa Claus and his flying reindeer powered sleigh orbiting the Moon set in motion his departure from traditional theories.

“Clearly mammals were important to creation. That makes the coincidence that a rabbit or hare as the earthly symbol for goddess Eastre more than a lucky happenstance”.

“I know nothing of the details of physics but I had always assumed the existence of the Tooth Fairy”, adds Richard Dawkins the renowned biologist. “Really other suggestions are just preposterous. Can you imagine a universe without the Sandman, Tinkerbell and others too numerous to mention?”

The book describes Hawking’s new unified M-theory that relegates the current string theory to the dustbin of conjecture. Thanks to recent discovery of planets in nearby solar systems, the odds are starting to narrow and it is only matter of time till Little Green Men are discovered.

However, the revelations have not been universally accepted, with many leading theologians quick to dismiss the new research.

“I am pleased that Hawking has realised that the universe must have had a divine creator,” said war-time straight-right-arm saluting enthusiast Pope Benedict XVI. “However with the world containing such sorrow, misery and sin which the Vatican has always maintained is caused by women then the instigator must have been the Tooth Fairy,”

In the middle-east the news was met with angry reaction. In Gaza effigies of Father Christmas were burnt by crowds chanting support for the Easter Bunny, whilst during the Sabbath Musaf Rabbis emphasised that rabbits are not considered Kosher to avoid the risk of eating the creator.

The Flying Spaghetti Monster was unavailable for comment.

From field reporter Shivriano

Doomsday machine gets new security system

Engineers at CERN have announced that the Large Hadron Collider, the machine set to kill us all, destroy the Earth and, most shockingly of all, ruin the final of Strictly Come Dancing has had a SF40m security update.

“Last year we were shut down before we could destroy, I mean start our experiment, by one of our magnets heating up,” explained Professor J. Scott Billingsworth. “Now if a secret agent does attempt at sabotage we will know immediately and a dozen henchmen in orange uniforms will be despatched to resolve the problem.”

Many believe that the LHC (which is the English acronym for the machine’s full French title of SKYNET) is capable of generating a black hole which would severely disrupt voting during the X-Factor. SKYNET has been rumoured to be housed at CERN’s underground lair on the Franco-Swiss border with the 27km super-gun circling a huge underground tank containing at least three genetically engineered shark-crocodile-Katie-Price fembots.

CERN’s announcement of the new warning system was contained in a press release carved into the forehead of an official from the Polish embassy found floating face down in Lake Geneva. This new system will ensure that there is no repeat of November 2008’s forced shut down of the collider, when a black-silhouetted figure was seen hastily working on an elaborate electrical wiring loom as a large clock counted down nearby.

“1 more second and we would have seen the end of the world … wide ignorance of the Higgs-boson,” laughed Professor Billingsworth somewhat maniacally. “Somehow the blue wire was cut with one second to go. Yet again! Maybe we should also change the colour of the firing wire.”

The British Secret Service, MI6, said that the new warning system may represent an end to the chances of saving humanity, unless someone is willing to carpool.

“We can’t send any operatives into the field anymore. The Health and Safety forms needed to sanction a license to kill are horrendous,” said a spokesman. “And let’s not get started about the procedure for carbon offsetting for international flights.”

Fat gene enabler identified

Scientists have revealed details of the means of operation of the so-called 'fat gene' and its interrelationships with other proteins within the DNA chain. The identification of the gene, known by its genetic identifiers as LRDY, is seen as a breakthrough for millions of sufferers whose bodies are unable to naturally regulate their pie intake.

"The benefits of this large body of research into people's susceptibility to LRDY are numerous. We hope to be able to offer a genetic therapy which can be administered by injection, or orally in say a chocolate milkshake," said the leader of the research team, Professor J. Scott Billingsworth. "Not only that but during the research we collected enough free burger tokens to keep the population of Glasgow fed for at least 10 minutes. We have about a billion tokens."

The researchers say that those desperate for a reason to cancel their gym membership should check for symptoms which include a compulsion to queue outside a Gregg's Pasty shop and spasms of the nervous system around a salad bar.

A group of very large campaigners welcomed the news from the research team and said that it made an even more compelling case for cream cakes to be made available on the NHS.

"It is such a relief that it is an evolutionary trait dating back hundreds of thousands of years that compels me to drive the few miles to my nearest pub and order six packets of pork scratchings. Three times a day," panted Michaela Billingsworth of the 'Fat and Fit' campaign from the steps of 10 Downing Street. "Oh Jesus, I need a sit down. And a mars bar."

The research team however revealed that there was a statistical link between sufferers of excess LRDY production and the millions of people who suffer from the mental condition known as being 'big boned'.

"Despite the historic discovery made last year, it is clear that being big-boned is a mental disorder," said Professor Billingsworth. "The statistics show that 93% of 'big boned’ sufferers answered positively to the research question 'Would you like fries with that?'"

The LRDY gene exists to a greater or lesser degree in all of us, said the research team, however other proteins in the DNA chain regulate it.

"What is clear is that a person's susceptibility to LRDY is directly related to the production of the protein responsible for the American accent," said Billingsworth.

Scientists admit to Cold Fusion Hoax delay

Leading members of the physics community working on the latest Cold Fusion Hoax today revealed that they are at least 2 years behind schedule.

"We plan to have a cold fusion story in the newspapers every 15 to 20 years or so," said Professor J. Scott Billingsworth, consultant media scientist to the energy group leading the research. "However it takes quite some time to put together a crack team of credulous tabloid journalists with a C at GCSE chemistry, and this Hoax is going to have to be more sophisticated than it's predecessors, now that the special effects on Dr. Who are so good."

The Cold Fusion Hoax is the Holy Grail of science reporters up and down the land who are keen to file thousands of words of copy with scientific looking diagrams, references to Star Trek and pictures of the 'Mr Fusion' from Back to the Future. Stories can endlessly be written about limitless clean power, the return to poverty of the Arabs, Bluebirds wheeling through a perfectly clear sky and an end to the frustration of running out of batteries for a vibrator. However as society becomes more technically adept it becomes more difficult to produce a good Hoax without actually inventing the technology itself.

"Back in the day we used to just be able to mix up a few chemicals in test-tubes and let it boil some water in a tank," said Professor Billingsworth. "We could claim it was caused by anything as long as the pictures showed a device as convincing as whatever Davros would use to destroy a planet. Now, what with Wikipedia and that programme QI on the telly, Joe Punter knows as much as a PhD researcher from Loughborough University."

The Physics community has long relied on the Cold Fusion Hoax as a way of generating more funding for ever bigger and more impressive machines for research into hot fusion, the very thing that Cold Fusion itself would obviate the need for.

"Every physicist on the planet wants to play with the atom-smashers. They want to be able to tell people that "today I created something hotter than the sun, two miles below Switzerland'," said the Professor. "It was what made science the new rock and roll. After all scientists have plenty of drugs. But little sex."

The science community now believes that even the recent news that the Science and Technology Facilities Council (STFC) had run out of 50p pieces for the big Gemini telescopes would be unlikely to provide enough stimulus for a proper go at the Cold Fusion Hoax. Physicists are now looking to their old foes in genetic research for the over-hyped mega-invention that will lead to an increased flow of funding.

"Atoms are bloody expensive you know, and when the scientists are really sexed up they can smash literally dozens of them in a single day – it's a costly business," said Professor Billingsworth. "I think someone in a lab is going to have to make a cross between a songbird and a drug-crazed ape, or a miracle hair-growth drug or something."

LATE BREAKING NEWS:
Researchers at the Gorilla-Parrot Breeding Institute in Enfield are to convene a press conference tomorrow on the 'Origins of Amy Winehouse.'

Globe of the USA launched

They are the new 'must have' items that are sweeping across the United States of America where a religious gift company from Tennessee has produced a new range of globes featuring the "American Worldview". The globes have not only been a surprise sales success but are gaining endorsements from schools and religious groups across the United States of America.

"Parents and schools from coast to coast are trying to give children the correct view of the world and we think our product, the United Globe of America, fits that market," said a spokesman for 'Balls to the World Incorporated'.

The new globe is available in a range of sizes, shows the American world-view, and has been endorsed by religious groups across fourteen southern states of the USA.

"The people of this country, this great country, God's country, as foretold by scripture, have long been done a terrible disservice by the so-called map-makers. They have filled our schools with books full of lies and myths of strange and evil places, filled with godless people and their heathen ways." said Pastor Jesse Billingsworth of the Glen-Rivers Baptist Church of Nashville, Tennessee. "Now God-fearing moms and pops and educators, from sea to shining sea, can drive out the evil myth of Canada forever."

The new globes have spawned some muted criticism from geographers in the United States, who point out the preposterousness of the idea that nothing exists outside of the US.

"Whilst the globes beautifully illustrate the total isolation of the USA and the loneliness of the islands of Hawaii and Alaska, it is quite ridiculous to be telling children in school that Mexico is a myth created by the devil," said James Kablowski, a curator of cartography at the Smithsonian. "Where do they think their Santa has been outsourced too?"

The most vocal opposition to the new globe has come from European scientists, however they have been struggling to make their case heard on the leading opinion forming news outlets in the US.

"This is an important subject so we devoted a whole two minute segment to this on The Factor," shouted Fox News alleged-journalist Bill O'Reilly. "We interviewed a guy claiming to be from somewhere called France but you could tell from his accent he was just some sort of devil worshipping communist. Who killed Lady Di."

The globe has already been used in schools in Tennessee, but religious campaigners are pushing for it to be used nation-wide by 2009. They are also hoping to have stickers added to traditional globes and atlases informing students of the new globe and their theory of ‘Intelligent Geography’.

Scientists disappointed by reaction to latest planetary discovery.

It has been revealed that the astronomical community has become dismayed at the level of coverage it is receiving in the mainstream media and highlights the dearth of coverage surrounding the latest breakthroughs in imaging the planet Uranus.

“Frankly we expected at least the Daily Star and The Sun to lead with some sort of pun regarding 'Rings around Uranus'” explained Professor J. Scott Billingsworth. “Really it was quite disappointing. We made the discoveries in January, but held the announcement over to the quiet summer 'Silly Season' especially for the tabloids, but there wasn't even a mention.”

Scientists have long claimed that media interest in their progress focusses on their torturing of small defenceless animals, or perhaps Frankensteinian references to the latest batch of killer tomatoes rampaging across our countryside.

“Really, that is all we get nowadays. We have eradicated terrible diseases, extended life expectancy, brought the universe into our living rooms and enabled distant travel and communication to the common man,” said the Professor. “But know one cares. No one even giggles when we mention that 'fans will be able to see a marvellous full moon during the Rugby', or when we notify the amateur astronomer that they can use their telescopes at home to view 'a heavenly body such as Venus and her impressive globes'.”

Astronomers have employed marketing gurus and comedians expert in the use of the 'double entendre' to make their announcements as enticing as possible, but the media seems resolutely disinterested.

“We recently renamed a whole Nebula after a leading female pop star so that we could make capital out of the celestial features within, which was partly successful,” explained Professor Billingsworth. “The mainstream media ignored us as usual, but the Internet search engines went crazy for our images of Beyonce's Black Hole.”

Britons “pleased to see ex-pats go”

A new study released today claims that most Britons are pleased when ex-pats leave their native land and head to far off countries.

“It appears these ‘wannabe ex-pats’ have been getting on the nerves of other people in Britain so when they announce they are going to leave, most people wish them well and hope it will be soon,” explained Professor J. Scott Billingsworth.

The survey polled thousands of homes from up and down the land with consistent themes recurring throughout.

“Oh yeah, our neighbours used to constantly moan about Britain, the weather, the trains, young people, the television, the traffic,” explained Arthur MacAulay, from Falkirk, who took part in the survey. “Everyday it would be something new that they didn’t like. I was so pleased when they said they were leaving for Paxos, I offered to drive them to the airport.”

Mr MacAulay’s feelings were echoed by Martin Edenbridge from Aynsford in Kent. “The people next door? Oh they showed no interest in making anything better – never contributed to the parish council, never spoke up on planning issues, but just moaned endlessly. Bizarrely they went on and on about the schools, but they didn’t even have any kids,” he said. “Mind you, what can you expect, it took them 43 years to find the airport!”

The research revealed that most ex-pats still obsess about the country they left behind even though they only keep in touch through tabloid media.

“We collated the comments posted on the websites of the major newspapers - as well as the Daily Express and Daily Mail. We also checked the viewer's comments on 24 hour news channels.” said Professor Billingsworth. “Invariably there will be a comment from someone who left a decade ago but is using the current headline as a platform to both justify their decision and rubbish Britain.”

The research found that these constant justifications get wearing for those back home hearing about how a third-world country is actually an undiscovered paradise, an experience shared by Mr MacAulay.

“We got a few phone calls after they left going on about how great it was. Last time he was almost hysterical,” explained Mr MacAulay. “He was raving about how none of the locals spoke English, the only Doctor was at the top of a steep mountain path, they didn’t have running drinking water and the rustic supermarket was hardly open. Of course what really grated was when he patronisingly assumed I would want to join him. ‘Please call for help’ he said!”

Time Travelling tourists relax with a coffee

A recent paper from researchers at the University of Liverpool has provided evidence for the future development of time travel. Controversial scientist Professor J. Scott Billingsworth revealed the findings after a 5 year study into archival photographs and video evidence.

“We took the position that if time travel was possible then at some point it would be achieved,” he said. “Therefore in the future people must have started coming back in time. Or should I say ’must start coming back in time’. The reason the report took so long to write was getting the tense correct!” he quipped.

“We envisaged that future historians, or even time travelling tourists would be the first to want to see great vents first hand. Not only were we successful we can also solve some long-standing mysteries.” announced the Professor at a news conference at Liverpool’s Adelphi hotel.


“Careful scrutiny of the famous footage taken by Abraham Zapruder of the assassination of President Kennedy shows a large number of people using mobile phones to record the events from the grassy knoll in Dealey Plaza.” he said showing a series of still photographs.

“We can also say that there was no second gun-man on the grassy knoll as such a shooting position has now become, in 1963, obscured by a Starbucks coffee shop as shown in other photos taken at the time.”

Professor J. Scott Billingsworth revealed that the supposed paparazzi chasing Diana, Princess of Wales, through the Pont de l'Alma tunnel were in fact Daily Express photographers after exclusive photos for the newspaper’s 100th anniversary 275 page special report to be published in 2097.



Following Professor Billingsworth’s revelations other researchers have discovered that time travelling tourists of the future visited the Battle of Hastings in 1066. Students of the section of the Bayeux Tapestry depicting King Harold’s death have discovered a pictogram of a Japanese tourist in shorts with a digital camera standing outside Starbucks.


The Starbucks Corporation, whose first shop opened in 1971, refused to comment on any future plans to use time machines to expand their chain of coffee shops into the past once they have a coffee shop in every location in the present.

Landmark personal injury settlement launches new service

Personal Injury Direct today revealed details of what they are hailing as a landmark settlement for those who suffer accidents at work.

Dr David Banner, a medical researcher from the United States of America pursued a personal injury claim against his medical institution following an over exposure to Gamma radiation. Dr Banner maintains that the incident would have been avoided had technicians suitably notified researchers that equipment had been upgraded.

The settlement, of £3.57bn, is by far the largest personal injury claim not involving a major tobacco or fast food company. Dr Banner was awarded the sum as compensation for loss of earnings as a medical researcher and for the massive trauma that the event caused in his life.

"Since the incident, I have travelled across the US unable to settle either in any location for any period of time," explained Dr Banner. "My medical condition causes extremely violent mood swings during which I am in fear of my own safety. Whilst I cannot remember any of the events that take place when I have one of these episodes, it costs me a fortune to replace my ruined clothing."

Cory Billingsworthski, of Personal Injury Direct, said that Dr Banner had also earned compensation for the effect that the incident had on his client’s reputation. "Dr Banner has been accused of murder and arson and hunted like a wild animal. The press and paparazzi have hounded him for years. This settlement sends a message that such negligence with atomic radiation will not be tolerated."

The press conference was interrupted when lawyers for the US government served papers on Dr Banner following a tip off from an investigative journalist. The latest writ alleges that Dr Banner is responsible for £2.8bn worth of damage to private and public property as well as a further £757m damage to military equipment.

Undaunted Personal Injury Direct have subsequently announced a new specialist service for anyone that may have been exposed to cosmic rays or bitten by radioactive spiders.

Scientists hail discovery of new emotion

Scientists have heralded the discovery of a new emotion by a researcher at the Kyle University in Birmingham.

“Following a year long study it has become clear that in addition to the traditional emotions of anger, fear, love and so on, there is very definitely another powerful driver of the human psyche” stated controversial scientist Professor J. Scott Billingsworth.

The Professor, recently released from a custodial sentence for aggravated assault, explained how he approached his work.

“Due to court-orders preventing me conducting research directly on my assistants, I proceeded to observe my fellow researchers as they conducted their daily tasks on their own projects. It became apparent to me that as their projects developed and they experienced successes and failure, they clearly experienced a new emotion that I have called ‘futilation’.”

The Professor revealed that the new emotion, whilst outwardly similar to existing ones, appears to be specifically found within the scientific research community itself.

“This emotion is best described as experiencing frustration that your best efforts are being expended on a futile exercise,” explained Professor Billingsworth. “This exercise might be one that is being repeatedly described to you as of high importance, but that you realise is at best only ever going to be appreciated by those close to you, and at worst costs you your marriage and wastes your youth. Being futilated is a very destructive state to be in.”

When questioned as to the actual usefulness of this research Professor Billingsworth reacted angrily.

“You see, right now I am experiencing raging futilation, just like when my budget was cut on my research into violence. Shortly before I was convicted.”

Within 24 hours of the announcement of the discovery, a new specialist firm of solicitors was advertising on UK Gold offering help with personal injury claims for anyone futilated at work.

Kicking causes serious injury - research finds

A study into the effects of physical violence has revealed that kicking can cause serious injury. Sharp objects, such as knives, were also found to cause serious wounds.

These surprise findings came after a year of research into the effects of various methods of assault. "It has been the hardest year of medical investigations I have been involved with," said Darren Wirlsthob, one of five members of the study group.

"Medical research is difficult, but is most difficult when you are dealing with the randomness of physical violence, often influenced by alcohol consumption, " explained Mr Wirlsthob "In fact that was one of the most difficult aspects to deal with, it seemed it was always after a few beers that the Professor wanted to test his steel-toecapped boots."

Mr Wirlsthob, speaking today from his bed in Cardiff Royal Infirmary after the end of the trial, gave an insight into the complexities of normalising the data. "We had to allow for the variance not only in alcohol consumption but how much the Professor had lost at the dogs."

The trial was brought to an end when Professor J. Scott Billingsworth failed to gain extra funding for his research into the physical effects of violence.

"That was a particularly difficult day, " whinced Darren, pointing to the cast on his left leg. "Losing our funding brought my involvement in such important research to an end. Well that and the second broken leg that I sustained shortly after the funding decision was announced."

It was revealed that the research group had held its final meeting waiting for the ambulances to arrive to take the group to hospital. Two of the team have yet to regain consciousness whilst a third refused to talk to anyone "In case that bloody mad man is with them" possibly referring to Professor J. Scott Billingsworth.

The Professor himself, a controversial figure in the study of the anatomy of violence, is unrepentant about his methods that have led to not only the complete hospitalisation of his second research team, but also being banned from keeping livestock and must remain more than 100 yards from any carol singers.

"What else are undergraduates for? You know everyone complains that A-Levels are too easy, well I can tell you the students find my university courses hard. The puffs." bellowed Professor Billingsworth through his cell door. "I shall carry on. I can't use livestock, no more free researchers, but i can get the results I need from the next time Millwall play Cardiff."

World's first invisibility cloak created

Scientists today announced the creation of the world’s first invisibility cloak. Professor J Scott Billingsworth unveiled the invention to a packed news conference.

"It works by bending the electromagnetic waves around the object, rather than letting them reflect off the object, thus is in effect invisible to anyone that looks at it." Explained Professor Billingsworth at the unveiling of the device to the worlds media. "Thus not only can you not see it, but it won’t show up in any photos. In fact the casual observer, or journalists, or even our all important sponsors and benefactors won’t be able to see the fruits of all the time and money used in its creation."

Photos of what appears to the untrained eye as an empty glass case are expected to make the front page stories of all tomorrow’s newspapers.

STOP PRESS
One observer at the news conference noticed that when the power was switched off to the display case that nothing actually appeared as would be expected as the device became visible again. When challenged about this Professor Billingsworth confessed that the box was empty during the press demonstration as the actual device had fallen off a table in the laboratory and rolled across a floor. "No one has been able to find it, yet, but it really does exist."

Do that and you will go word blind

A recent research paper has identified a link between masturbation and a reduction in secretion of neuro-stimulators in the part of the brain responsible for language development.

Dr John Thomason, reviewing the report, commented "This ground-breaking study finally explains why seemingly intelligent people are often reduced to using bad grammar and forms of poor communication."

It has long puzzled education and medical professionals alike why people who, in every other way, appear to be capable of intelligent conversation suddenly lapse into confusing use of English.

"The problem has been noted in many areas of society, but is especially severe in those areas related to marketing and project management," explained Dr Thomason. "Often their language is made up of bad metaphors and contractions. The study shows that for those who masturbate the most language becomes totally dependent on communicating with people who already know all the detail of the conversation and can make sense of queries such as ‘What is the deal with the budget?’"

In addition to the biological links, the researchers discovered several telltale indicators that indicate the reduction of required neuro-stimulators in the brain, and consequently high level of masturbation. These include phrases such as "a big ask" and "doable"

"Extreme sufferers, actually use English so bad it is more complicated than the message they are trying to get across," says Dr John Thomason. "They will, for example, say things like ‘low hanging fruit’ in place of ‘quick wins’."

The paper’s author, Professor J. Scott Billingsworth, has recently returned from a conference in Las Vegas where he announced his findings saying that weeks of gruelling research had been worthwhile.

"It was a big ask. We wanted to know what the deal was with the you know, lack of pretty word speak, and fortunately I was able to touch base with some of the best blue-sky thinkers in, like, the world, you know?" he tried to tell us. "We were able to synergise a shrink wrapped solution. No longer do we have to ask ‘What’s the deal with the you know, problem’. It was just there, like low hanging fruit really."