Surreal Scoop

David “Caesar” Cameron today revealed his intention to desperately assert his role in the centuries old conflict over the future of Europe within the Conservative Party. “ It's time to ask important questions about the Treaty of Rome, some say we should be fearful of asking, “ said Caesar. “But cowards die many times before their deaths. The valiant never taste of death but once.” Caesar laid out his plans for a referendum on whether the Conservative Party should openly rebel against his leadership or simply continue to tear itself apart leading to the eventual end of his career just as it had his predecessors. “ I am constant as the Northern Star,” explained Cameron with the Conservation Party united directly behind him as he urged for a referendum on Britain's relationship with other countries, “Get going! Run to your houses, fall on your knees, Pray to the gods to stop the Hague!” Unfortunately, a party soothsayer lamented that Caesar's fate is seal...

The historically peaceful nation of Great Britain today reacted with great surprise as it became apparent that one of their “army” of professional soldiers may have injured an enemy on the battlefield. “ He seemed like such a nice you man, standing there next to his brother at the wedding, wearing that lovely Blues and Royals uniform,” said Edna Billingsworth. “I had no idea that was a military outfit. And they train to kill people you say?” Mrs Billingsworth was reacting to an interview with a serving army officer, Captain Wales of the Army Air Corps, who explained that after several years of training to kill people, being trained how to use £30m machines of death and having been deployed into battlefield service in a live, decade long, shooting war, that he had been actively attempting to kill the enemy. “ It's not really what I expect of a soldier, least of all one that knows that lovely Kate so well and has such a wonderful brother in William. Such a...

One time teenager and previous twenty-something year-old woman, Diane Abbott, is to launch a revolution in sex education that will ensure young people “stop wanting to look at people's bits”. “ For too long now I have come to realise, like many people, that I am getting too old for nakedness to be an everyday thing,” said the MP for Principle on the Righteousness. “So, those younger people, well they should all just stop doing it too.” Ms Abbott has become concerned with the availability of pornography on the internet, something that has only become an issue in the last 15 or so years, when the teenagers of then have grown up into 30 somethings with families of their own. “ It's obvious that today family values are centred around large inflatable breasts, sex sessions that last at least an hour of continuous pounding involving at least three people simultaneously,” said the MP in her landmark speech. “The number of orifices in use has spiralled too.” ...