Surreal Scoop

As the campaigning continues for the AV referendum, here is a handy cut-out-and-keep guide to where each of the major parties, and the Liberal Democrats, stand. The Conservatives The Conservatives feel that the current system is transparent, open and retains a direct link between an MP and his constituency duck house. The current system, whereby MPs can be elected with only 35% of the vote, supports a party so dismally nasty that they couldn’t win an outright majority over a Labour Party led by a man that had spent the previous 18 months being called 'wanker' by newspapers, CBeebies TV shows and his own mum. Labour Ed Milliband has, apparently, said that he will support a ‘Yes’ campaign. At least that was what Geoff said he thought he heard and he was closest to the toilet door. In the 80s the Labour Party was considered to be unelectable under first-past-the-post system, until Tony Blair turned the TUC wall map around and pointed out where communist Russia actually was. Aft...

News that the people of Iceland had voted 'No' in the referendum asking if they should pay back money to investors has been met by clamours from millions of British children who want to move to the mid-Atlantic island. “Daddy said that the people of Iceland did not have to follow rules and stuff. They don't have to take out rubbish or tidy their rooms or anything but they still get all their pocket money,” said Mary, aged 11. “I bet they also get to stay up late and eat just donut icing for their tea. It's probably why the country is called Iceland.” The demand from British children to move to Iceland came after the Icelandic government, led by the sloped-shouldered Prime Minister Jóhanna Sigurðardóttir, decided not to fulfil their international commitments. Since people might shout at them they decided to pass the buck onto the people who pay them to make such decisions on their behalf. “It is complicated to pay squillions and squillions back, since if we did it we...

As the rival camps set out their cases for the referendum in May, Nick Clegg, leading champion of the Yes campaign revealed his desire to spread AV to all walks of life and to realise his dream he was prepared to fight to the last councillor. "Alternative to Voting is a key principle that the LibDem people are fighting for, it is in fact the only LibDem policy in the Glorious People's Listening Revolutionary Coalition,” said the self-appointed Deputy Prime Minister . “And there is no reason why a simple 'first past the post system' should be able to decide anything.” Under the new Alternative to Voting system, traditions such as the competing party getting the most points being declared winners will be swept aside as the 2010 LibDem People's Democratic revolution continues. “I am, and I therefore assume everyone else is, a passionate supporter of football, steeplechasing and golf, just as I am a supporter of tuition fees for students, a privatised health system and...

Britain today accepted that it should “Just piss off” and leave the rest of Earth’s inhabitants to enjoy the benefits of a Britain-free existence. “You know, I’ve been thinking about it and yeah, the current world is all our fault, we've contributed nothing,” said Britain last night as it packed its bags. “Without Britain the world would be a very different place and we can only assume better.” Britain has faced criticism for decades, with it's national identity turning to an alcohol fuelled paranoia. “Oh, that Whiskey is good stuff, British invention you know. Yeah, we've done nothing of value, apart from the World Wide Web of course, or the electronic computer, or even the mechanical one for that matter. Nothing, that's what, we've done, nothing,” said Britain via a telephone interview. “Or the telephone, that was one of my mob that invented that.” Britain said that when you look at the state of the modern world it was forced to admit it really is all its fault,...

The UK government faces a bill potentially running into billions of pounds after apprentice Tom Jones tribute artist Muammar 'Colonel' Gaddafi filed claims against the extended warranties he had taken out on his anti-aircraft systems that he said had recently become “inoperative through normal use” “Yes, I felt a bit bullied by the man in the shop when I first took out the extended warranty on these tanks and missile systems, but I don't look mad now,” explained Colonel Gaddafi in his bright blue liberation uniform. With gold braids. And a big cap. “I want to emphasise that I was only using them as per the instruction manual when the British bombed them.” The Ministry Of Defence said that it was studying the claim carefully and if found to be valid it would launch a revision of its arms selling policies. “The extended warranty is something we always emphasis to purchasers of weapons systems since they often operate in very hostile environments and could be easily dama...