"We can confirm we are investigating an incident involving between a fan and a visiting Portuguese gentleman that occurred in the vicinity of Old Trafford stadium," said a spokesman for Greater Manchester Police. "It is an investigation complicated by the fact that Manchester United fans have been ‘asking for it’ for quite some time."
The fan, who has not been identified but allegedly comes from Surrey, or Bristol or some other suburb of Manchester and is said to have supported the Red Devils since football began in 1992.
"United are a side likely to attract this level of animosity being the most successful team in the history of football," said Sterling Billingsworth, Sky Sports football historian. "They have won 10 of the 16 top flight titles since the game was invented in July 1991."
A look through the Sky Sports Football Almanac will confirm that Manchester United indeed hold a pre-eminent place in the statistics, since records began in August 1991."United have won both the FIFA Most Unspeakable Shit Award and UEFA Award for Despicable Cheating in 2008 and the Football Writers Award for Thuggery and Stamping on no fewer than five occasions since the football universe blinked into existence in that glorious summer of ‘91" said Billingsworth. "Indeed even the Players’ Diver of Year award has gone to men from United nine times in football history. No, wait, two of them were from somewhere called Newcastle."
Police say that such an assault on a Manchester United fan could happen anywhere in Britain as they are as likely to live in Milton Keynes or Orpington as anywhere else. However they stress that they are held with singular esteem by rival football fans.
"When there is a funeral of a United fan in places such as Eastbourne or Exeter, they are well attended," said the spokesman. "Often fans of local clubs will comment that Manchester United fans are alright, deep down."
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