Surreal Scoop

Following the summit on Internet gambling we talked to people who find wagering too much of a temptation. This is the story of one woman who did not wish to be named, Marge Billingsworth. "It all started one afternoon when I heard about a grate gambling site. It was so easy to get access to, I could play all day without having to travel to a casino or even to my local newsagent for scratch cards. "I would play for a few hours a day. Initially I was just doing £10 a throw, but then I realised it was more exciting doing £30, then £60 and more. By the end of the week I was completely hooked. I would sit on the kerb and throw the notes towards the drain. Some would flutter harmlessly to the side, others would land across the grate, but as I threw increasingly large bundles of cash into the sky, more and more would fall into the sewer. "The thing is there were no warnings at all on the grate. No one told me that I could so easily lose thousands of pounds, nor that I would dev...

37 workers have been suspended from an East Kilbride based call centre following allegations that the employees of the ’Phone for IT’ support line indulged in lewd behaviour. The accusations surfaced after videos of several naked call centre agents appeared on the video sharing website, YouTube. Bill Hargreaves a retired Civil Servant from Manchester said that he had always found ’Phone for IT’ to be helpful and informative. “Oh yes, it was always good, personal service. Whenever I had a problem getting my laptop to come up I would contact ‘Phone for IT’,“ commented Mr Hargreaves. “The first thing they always wanted to know was if it is a problem with a program or with the computer. The call centre girls were very keen for me to give them that right up front and they were always more interested if I said it was hardware.” Mr Hargreaves initially expressed surprise upon hearing the allegations, but after some thought he said that it did make some of his conversations a bit clearer. “...

Liverpool is currently alive with developments and programmes to celebrate its selection as the European ‘Capital of Culture 2008‘. Today, the City Council unveiled details of its new car-sharing programme to help residents and visitors alike move around the city in a fast, simple and environmentally responsible manner. “We have always had probably Europe’s most advanced car sharing scheme,” explained Councillor Kenny Billingsworth. “Previously it was a bit more informal. However now we have produced a detailed guide to not only how the system works but also how to get the best out of it on your visit to the city or to one of our many exhibitions.” The pamphlet entitled ‘Your car, our ride’ contains many hints, tips and maps to local hospitals and solicitors. Advice on the transport initiative includes :- The Car-sharing area is designated by environmentally friendly kerbside markers made of recycled car window chips next to car parking areas Whilst most makes and models are available ...

The footballing world was thrown into controversy as, for the first time, a player has been sent off from an awards ceremony. Chelsea‘s Didier Drogba was sensationally shown the red card following an off the stage incident. Both he and fellow nominee Cristiano Ronaldo, of Manchester United, were at last night’s Professional Footballers’ Association ceremony, and were awaiting the announcement of the Footballer of the Year award. Many pundits have said that this year’s selection was too close to call after excellent seasons from both men and their respective clubs which in turn are running one and two in this year’s title chase. "As the announcement was being made, both players lunged for the trophy from the side of the stage," said an onlooker. "Drogba was closer but suddenly Ronaldo crashed to the floor and rolled onto the stage." There was pandemonium as fellow players rushed to the Portuguese winger’s aid and at this point apparently both players squared up to ea...

The last few years have seen an increase in large, well-appointed and sophisticated four-wheel drive pick-up trucks on the nation’s roads. Contrary to perceived wisdom they are not driven by selfish, power crazed and environmentally ignorant middle-class mothers on the school run. Instead it is the country’s builders and onsite engineers, plumbers, painters and decorators bidding to shed their dirty, paint-covered images in favour of a modern designer look. Indeed, the growth in demand for these sophisticated work vehicles has spawned a growth in designer tools and clothing for the construction industry. "I used to have a Toyota pickup. It was white and beaten up, had vinyl seats and didn’t really like cold weather. All the lads took the Mickey so I got a Mitsubishi Shogun Elegance," said Gordon Billingsworth, a bricklayer from Chatham. "Of course, now I have to bring two sets of overalls and a change of shoes. I don’t want any dirt on the carpets. And I never park it on...

Today researchers revealed the discovery of a text that was believed to have been lost to man. It is a rare modern copy of the fabled ‘Handbook for Women’. "This book is one of the founding texts of our civilisation," explained Dr Bill Billingsworth of the Sidcup Centre of Pantheonic Studies . "It can trace its origin back to the time of Cleopatra and is a text as powerful and complicated as it is controversial. It is no surprise to find the modern version has a ‘for dummies’ edition. The book, which is given to all girls upon reaching puberty, is said to be the most divisive work of literature in existence. It is a handbook detailing how to behave as a ‘normal‘ human female. Of epic proportions, at some 7665 pages, its discovery may finally provide scholars with insight into behaviour that has long been thought to be completely irrational, if not borderline insane. "Without doubt, this book has caused more sadness and anger than Chairman Mao’s ’Little Red Book’ or ...

Today computer game giant Electronic Arts announced that it was discontinuing its line of Champions League tie-in football games, to be replaced with a game focussing on other football tournaments. "UEFA Champions League 2007 will be the last in the series of our video games following the top levels of the professional game," said Joyce Stitch, Product Director for EA Sports. "However, the avid gamer need not despair as we will be continuing our award winning football games with the launch of ‘Nationwide Conference 2008’". The gaming community expressed surprise and some dismay at the news. Kallum Smythe (aka ‘ Mr Bloggy ’) said that initial reaction to the news had been muted. "We are always keen on the latest games, the improved graphics and player features always add to the atmosphere," he said. "But unless something goes horribly wrong with their careers, it looks like we won’t be able to play as our heroes Ronaldo or Ronaldhino, instead it will b...

An ancient letter, said to be well over a thousand years old, has been uncovered in a field in Wiltshire and, say scholars, sheds light onto the early conflicts in the religious history of Britain. “The text is written by a Druid, sometime around 1500 years ago,” said Bill Billingsworth from the Sidcup Centre for Pantheonic Studies who consulted on the translation into English. “We aren’t exactly sure who the letter is addressed to. It may be to a fellow Druid, it may even be text to be read out. A sort of parish newsletter, if you will.” The letter describes the conditions that this particular Druid and his fellow Celts are living under as Christianity grows within 4th century England. The new religion with its newly ordained Saints and Bishops is growing rapidly and spreading into the provinces which dominates the main parts of the text as shown in the following excerpts. “Indeed these followers of the Christ do travel the land. They breed quickly, so much quicker than the Celtic. T...

Many hundreds of asylum seekers from all over the world are collecting in and around Calais and the small French town of Sangatte. They have travelled thousand of miles form Asia, the Middle-East and sub-Saharan Africa having each saved up several years wages to pay for their flight from civil war and genocide and each of them has the same aim. They want to get out of France. “Yes, I escaped from Darfur, from the war and the killing.” said Salva al-Mahdi. “I travelled through Libya, a perilous crossing to Corsica and then finally through France. I cannot stay, it is terrible here.” His feelings were echoed by many. All of whom dream of escaping the horrors of France and making their way across the Channel to the UK. “I was tortured for 6 years in a Yemeni jail,” said Abdallah Mujawar. “But it was nothing like this. I dream of escaping France and getting to Britain.” The French authorities are said to be embarrassed by the situation developing on the Brittany coast as thousands of illeg...

Today David Beckham completed his long awaited transfer. Even though it has been common knowledge for some time, it was today that he finalised his move from the back pages to end his career in the entertainment and showbiz sections of the newspapers. "This is something we have been planning for some time," said his wife, Victoria Beckham. "Ever since we married I have been planning a move away from football to a purely showbiz lifestyle." Friends of the Beckhams say that David had become unhappy with his role as a footballer once it transpired that sending in the odd free-kick from 30 yards was no longer enough to guarantee him a place in ‘Hello!’ magazine or even onto the front pages of the tabloids. There was a brief ceremony in Wapping as David Beckham signed an exclusive deal with ‘The Sun’ newspaper for the serialisation of the next volume of his autobiography, reputed to be for a seven-figure sum. During the ceremony, Sun football writer Andrew Haigh handed o...

New Scotland Yard today urged members of the public all over the country to be on the lookout for a gang of criminals that has preyed upon dozens of victims for perhaps decades forcing them into acts of cross-dressing. "The crimes may have only recently been reported, but our investigations have subsequently revealed a pattern that could stretch back for many years," said Detective Inspector Patrick Billingsworth . "We are warning prominent people, in business, in the media, or in the public eye in general, to take extra precautions if they are at home alone." DI Billingsworth outlined how the gang operates and how it has struck up and down the country, from rural estates in Scotland to urban apartments in London and the Home Counties. "We have now received several reports from men who have been found at home, sometimes bound and gagged, but always dressed in women’s clothing," he explained. "They are often discovered in this state by their wives. Nee...

The producers of the BBC’s show ‘The Apprentice’ have been contacted by both the Inland Revenue and Her Majesty’s Customs and Excise with regards to the tax positions of the two companies that represent the teams in the show after claims that the contestants keep the profits they make. "This series has better contestants and better business tasks than ever before," said Sir Alan Sugar. "We aim to have challenges that truly reflect modern business and challenge the contestants." It s understood that upcoming episodes of the business based reality programme will show the contestants filing details of their Eclipse and Stealth firms with Companies House and filling in their personal and corporate income tax declarations. In an episode to be aired in three weeks time Eclipse are rumoured to have failed the task set by Sir Alan - despite earning the most money - since they had forgotten to submit their VAT returns. The changes to the programme have been made after the In...

During his keynote speech at Finsec 07, the conference on financial security, Martin Billingsworth, of Barclays UK Retail Banking, said that the time had come to consider radical ways to prevent crime by following the lead of drug abuse campaigners. "We need to reduce the motivation for habitual criminals such as Bank Robbers and fraudsters that target the small multi-billion pound organisations," he said. "We need to remove the link between their needs and the crime they commit. If registered armed robbers were prescribed great bundles of cash on the NHS it will lead to less desire to perform bank raids." Attendees at the conference included not just the retail banking sector, but its interested consumer groups. Tony ‘The Spanner’, who has served a total of 24 years for armed robbery and represented the Essex firms said that the move did not go far enough. "Well I know that my members would welcome the re-assurance that we can maintain our cash dependencies wi...

Friends of Jenson Button today revealed that there might be religious aspects to the British Formula 1 driver’s lack of success in Motor Racing. "Well, I know Jense well," said James Billingsworth from Frome in Somerset. "Why else would I refer to him as Jense? In his seven years in F1, and in his previous career in the lower formulae, he has never really raced on a Sunday. I think that it is a devout Christian belief." Friends believe this, rather than any question marks regarding the Englishman’s talent, is the reason for a lack of race wins and championship success. "Oh certainly he will drive on a Sunday, but he just won’t compete!" claimed Mr Billingsworth, citing the Briton’s performances as evidence. "You never see him overtaking, and he doesn’t defend his position at all well, both of which would mark him out as a racing driver. What he does is drive neatly around, respecting the Sabbath." Friends point out that Button’s only F1 win came ...

A new study released today claims that most Britons are pleased when ex-pats leave their native land and head to far off countries. “It appears these ‘wannabe ex-pats’ have been getting on the nerves of other people in Britain so when they announce they are going to leave, most people wish them well and hope it will be soon,” explained Professor J. Scott Billingsworth . The survey polled thousands of homes from up and down the land with consistent themes recurring throughout. “Oh yeah, our neighbours used to constantly moan about Britain, the weather, the trains, young people, the television, the traffic,” explained Arthur MacAulay, from Falkirk, who took part in the survey. “Everyday it would be something new that they didn’t like. I was so pleased when they said they were leaving for Paxos, I offered to drive them to the airport.” Mr MacAulay’s feelings were echoed by Martin Edenbridge from Aynsford in Kent. “The people next door? Oh they showed no interest in making anything better ...

In a shocking revelation it was today revealed that rather than having been killed in a car crash in the tunnel at the Point D’Alma in Paris, Princess Diana is actually alive and well and running the news desk of a leading tabloid newspaper. Shiona Winlingsborth, a sixth form student who was taking part in the Daily Express’s work experience programme, made the sensational discovery but at first thought it was too bizarre to be true. "Well, I just thought it was someone who looked a bit like her, you know. Diana’s died, she was like killed in that car crash, or something," said Miss Winlingsborth. "On my last day I took a photo of the news room and showed it to a few friends and they all recognised her." Diana, Princess of Wales, confessed that the stories were indeed true and that she had been secretly working in the newsroom and helping to shape the Express’s stories "When the crash happened, I realised that it was a chance to get out of the limelight," ...

Members of the French union, the Federation Sans Travail, which include tour guides and information kiosk workers from the vast panoply of France’s public buildings and cultural services, today voted for strike action in protest at the requirement that they perform a days work for their pay. “Our, members, who staff the information desks, or patrol the galleries of some of France’s most famous and historic buildings are fed up having to deal with the public,” explained Gilles Facturations-Valeer of the FST. “Our gallery attendants are not there to simply guide the public. They simply will not stand for it. Chairs are another of our demands.” “All day, everyday, our members have to ask questions about where this is, how to get to that. It is very tiresome,” he explained. “Constantly having to remind people not to use flash photography – well this is intolerable for an assistant at an art gallery.” It is feared that the strike action may spread to other areas of the French economy. Franc...

The escalating crisis between Iran and the United Kingdom over the detention of 15 British service personnel has aroused concern not just throughout the political and military worlds, but also for the Bus planners of London Transport. “From what we have learned about the crisis, from the media, both countries are in dispute over the position of boats using GPS,” explained Ken Billingsworth, Manager for Bus Logistics Central London. “We use the same system to track our buses, so if it doesn’t work it could be a disaster.” Transport for London uses GPS to locate its buses for amongst other reasons populating the electronic displays on stops that give the expected time of arrival of the next service. There have long been questions and complaints regarding the displays. Many a commuter has looked down from the sign saying their bus was due to find an empty road extending into distance. “I mean GPS systems are supposed to be accurate to within a few metres. Yet the dispute is over miles. If...

Today repeat television specialists UK Gold announced the return to our screens of the show “Jim’ll fix it”, to be called “Jim’ll Fix it : Strikes Again”. "The programme will be slightly revised," explained Fiona Billingsworth, Head of Programming at UKtv. "It will retain the old format of fulfilling children’s wishes but also explore those wishes from the original series that were not selected for broadcast originally." The first episode will show Sir Jimmy Saville trying to fix it for a viewer from the final 1994 series of the original BBC production. In the episode Jim will attempt to assist Gordon from Glasgow, who now lives in state housing in London, achieve his life long ambition of becoming Prime Minister. However TV executives stress that the format will also be updated to include contemporary wishes from today’s children. Included in the first episode we will see how Charles Thompson, 14, from South London gets on with his aim of getting an adult to buy hi...