Surreal Scoop

European football’s governing body has upheld the Football Association’s request to allow Wayne Rooney to be violent against players from host nation Ukraine by reducing his international suspension from three games to two, meaning he could return to international thuggery for the final group game in this summer's European Championships. “After due deliberation and taking into account Wayne’s previous record as a foul-mouthed, violent cheat in both domestic and international competitions, we have determined that the three match ban was too harsh,” said Michel Billingstini of UEFA. “It would have deprived fans in the Ukraine of that true spectacle of English football - watching Wayne stamp on their heroes’ faces.” Many football pundits had pressed for a reduction in the sentence meted out to Rooney following his violence against Miodrag Dzudovic from Montenegro citing his previous disciplinary record and precedents of previous UEFA rulings. “Wayne has been cheating at the highest le...

Following the shock move of several millionaires from one football club paying them millions to another paying them slightly more millions many fans expressed their shock and anger at the lack of loyalty being shown "Fernando Torres has shown absolutely no loyalty to the true fans," said one supporter. "By moving on from Liverpool to Chelsea he has once again failed to show any dedication to Athletico Madrid." The Spanish football star followed a trail of pound notes to the Premier League in 2007, dedicating half of his 6 year contract to trying really hard to make someone give him a shiny pot with red ribbons on it before trying for one with blue ribbons. However his superstar replacement at Anfield, Luis Suarez immediately made an impact with fans. "The boy's come straight into the side and scored on his debut after his big money transfer from Ajax, " said 60s Reds hero Tommy Billingsworth. "The disloyal Uruguayan bastard should be working hard ...

Former Liverpool player and managerial legend Kenny Dalglish has returned to the home of his greatest footballing triumphs after a twenty year absence. Whilst he concedes he has been out of management for over a decade he was confident of being on top of the issues facing the club. “Liverpool is a club with a proud history and the new owners know the high expectations of the club's loyal fans all over China,” said Dalglish as he spoke to journalists upon arrival at Liverpool Home Of The Beatles John 'Beatle' Lennon International Airport. “It may be a long time since I was at the club or managing a football team, but Liverpool should be vying at the top of Division One and I hope to build a team that can at least compete with Crystal Palace for third place.” Dalglish has said that whilst he will not be taking charge of the first team as they take on fierce rivals Manchester United in the FA Cup Third Round he will be focussing on team morale and reviewing off-field activitie...

The Football Association today issued a statement urging teams and players to forge ever more tenuous links with community tragedies, such as missing people or murders. Following a peak in the early part of the 21st century the number of minutes silence observed at the start of matches has dropped alarmingly. “The Premier League is the best in the world for aligning itself to tragedies such as loss in the community - whichever community that is - but the teams need to keep that momentum up that has been built up in the last two decades. In the week following 9/11 I must have attended at least 6 minutes silences, but this season I've sat through dozens of games this season and seen nothing but football,” said FA spokesman Richard Billingsworth. “All that the teams used to need was a picture of a missing child in a football kit and they would arrange a for a player to mow the parent's lawn.” The FA is concerned that recent high-profile murders or the search for missing persons ha...

Panic has set in the Premier League with players and managers seeking intensive English lessons from language tutors following the summer announcement that the next England manager will speak English. “It’s calmed down, the media storm, now that the first euro-qualifier is ‘belted under’ as he would say. The Manager,” said a leading commentator. “But they’ve gone on with their lessons. The players. For when he fails and he replaces him. Capello.” Despite some initial coyness about the nature of their training a few of the leading players wanted to emphasise that a place in the England squad was important to them. “At my age I know it’s going to be difficult for me but I have every intention of earning my place in the dugout,” said David Beckham speaking to BBC 5 live. “But I have never had to learn a language before and now I do." There are concerns among players and staff who are worried that learning English may result in a generation of players unable to communicate with their ...

Computer game salesman Wayne Rooney was today left reeling from the revelation that his dreams of World Cup stardom may exist only on the Playstation after once again being comprehensively outplayed by players of English Championship standard in South Africa. “We’ve had two hard games now and in each I’ve had to play against lower division opposition. The lad from Portsmouth had me in his pocket all night,” said Rooney following England being unable to score against the Sahara desert based country of Algeria. “It’s very frustrating, because no one ever boos me on FIFA 2010.” Wayne Rooney was speaking after being booed off the field having failed in 3 hours of football to worry defenders from a country with no grass that has only recently stopped murdering each other over sand dunes and another that thinks you play football with your hands. “It’s alright for the fans sitting in the stands enjoying the game. It only costs them a few grand and they can always go back to their uplifting jo...

The team searching for Frank Lampard said that they were optimistic that some sightings in the Cape Town area may lead to re-uniting the lost Briton with his English team-mates. “Ve have haad a few sightings on a golf course in Sun City area of a boy that loooks like Frank, but he once again disappeared,” said Wikus van der Billingswerth of the South African Police Service. “Neither did he respond to his nickname, Fat Frank.” Frank travelled to South Africa from England with 23 other boys to play in a football tournament, however nothing had been seen of him since a photo opportunity with township children. He was expected to turn up with the rest of his team to play an over 21s team from the USA, however he completely disappeared after the 1930 kick-off in Rustenberg. “Ve received news that little Frank had disappeared at 2045 hours on the evening of 11th June,” said Sergeant van der Billingswerth. “A few minutes later a boy answering to Frank’s appearance did apparently turn up on th...

As further news of Tiger Woods “transgressions” emerged in the press, analysts and shagging pundits speculated as to whether or not the news would continue or if Tiger had got over the hump. “For a player of Tiger's capabilities you have to wonder if there are more women to come forward,” said Peter Billingsworth, Sex analyst for Golf Monthly. “We are all, of course, expecting him to go for the full 18 holes.” Analysts however concede that whilst Tiger has always demonstrated fantastic ball control, the pressures of his high-profile lifestyle may mean that he has been unable to play a full round whilst playing around. “Shot after shot has shown Tiger able to get impressive elevation on his balls, and of course he has fantastic length.” said Billingsworth. “Maybe these women are all there is, but then the question is 'Did he play the back nine?” The media has focussed on voice-mail messages left for a cocktail waitress in Las Vegas. Tiger in his press statement insists that he w...

The Football Association of Ireland has announced that an away draw is better than a win and asked FIFA for a place in the World Cup finals because, in Ireland at least, 33 teams can fit into 32 places. “Ireland is the victim here – always. Now what were you going to ask me?” said Patrick O'Billingsworth of the FAI. “Oh yes the Henry hand-ball. Yes victims. And anyway, won't the colour of South Africa 2010 be enriched by a load of drunken people in green shirts who have never actually been to Ireland? No, probably not.” The FAI said that the controversial plan will enable Ireland, and many people who occasionally have the odd pint of Guinness, to really support their side for three games before they fail to progress through their group and revert to their normal approach of buying the shirt of any nation that is playing against England. The idea of a free place in the World Cup has inspired other associations around the world to follow the official Irish policy of 'taking t...

The board of Middlesbrough Football Club have expressed surprise at having to sack Gareth Southgate after the team’s 2-0 victory over Derby County. “To be honest we thought we had sacked him ages ago,” said Middlesbrough board member Steve Billingsworth. “I thought that we had just been winging it for a couple of seasons, but it turns out that he has been coming in everyday!” Middlesbrough, another North East club notable for an unshakeable belief in its own greatness, claims that it must be looking after longer term interests than just being one point off the lead of the Championship. “Obviously Middlesbrough is a Premier League team, the best in the world. Premier League class,” said Billingsworth. “I don’t care if that is football, or cricket in India.” The club however has reiterated its heartfelt gratitude to Mr Southgate in the same warm and sincere tones with which it had recently backed him in the role of manager before he was sacked. “We would like to thank Gareth for all the ...

The Football Association has ruled that Londoners supporting Arsenal Football Club do not have to behave themselves, especially when confronted by a man of African origin, possibly wearing a blue shirt. The ruling came as part of their suspended match ban of Manchester City’s Emmanuel Adebayor for opening his arms in front of a Londoner. “The FA has ruled that in no way is it reasonable to expect a Londoner, possibly wearing a red shirt, to control their natural desire to riot when provoked by a black man in a blue shirt,” said a statement. “The normal behavioural expectation when encountering Londoners should to assume they are aggressive beasts and the African gentlemen should have known not to kneel in front of them. We have to make allowances for Londoners being unable to sit down and shut the fuck up.” The FA said it was clear that the Londoners had suffered unduly from extreme provocation. According to a report they had endured sitting on a train that did not go underground and m...

Enthusiasts for tying children to things were today celebrating another milestone in passive record breaking by arbitrarily young people following the announcement of the country’s youngest “skydiver”. “This really is great news,” said Bill Billingsworth, children binding enthusiast and part time caring parent. “It really shows that there are no limits to what a child can be tied to for the aggrandisement of adult egos.” Tom Hayes, 7, became Britain’s youngest Skydiver when his parents allowed him to be tied to a stranger and flung out of a plane. “This pushes the envelope, previous child tying records of been to inanimate objects at least controlled by responsible family members ,” said Billingsworth. “The minimum age for jumping in the UK is 16 whereas in Slovenia neither the state nor the parents give a shit.” Tom’s sister Lucy was unable to take the record from her brother since she is eight. She had to console herself with being Britain’s youngest female “skydiver”. “Young Lucy sh...

News that Tiger Brewer has, at 8 years old, become the youngest person to be strapped to the wing of a plane has been warmly welcomed by “child-tying-up” enthusiasts around the world. “We are confident that now the sub-ten year old taboo for strapping a child to something has been broken we can perhaps have a crack at the world record for the youngest person to be strapped to a phone box,” said child-tying-up enthusiast, Bill Billingsworth. “Or perhaps strapping them in a car seat using some sort of belt? The exciting possibilities to tie children up to something that is outside of their control anyway are endless.” Tiger Brewer “walked” a total distance of zero feet from his stationary starting position – strapped in a harness in the middle of the wing - watched on by his sisters, Star and Flame. This equals the current best for modern wing walking since the technical variation “Being Strapped To a Plane” replaced the more conventional “Moving About Untethered” that many lay people as...

Remembering footballing legend Sir Bobby Robson, the nation’s newspapers today mark the occasion by reproducing some of their most memorable quotes from his career that they littered with abuse and even accusations of treachery. “’In the name of God, Go!’” was one of our headlines from a few years back,” said Harry Billingsworth, thirsty football hack and Donkey Porn aficionado at The Sun. “That was when Robson was at his best for us journalists.” Pundits were not always so one sided in their treatment of an England manager too much of a gentleman to hit back. Indeed a different approach was taken when England drew with Saudi Arabia. “Both us at the Super-Soaraway Sun and those guys at The Daily Mirror changed our approach significantly after that,” said Billingsworth. “We went with ‘In the name of Allah, Go!”.” Over time the press came to further modify its approach to an England manager that many consider the most successful ever, taking England to a narrow defeat in a Word Cup semi-...

There were complaints yesterday as one of the world’s leading retirement homes closed, forcing many who hope to see out their remaining time to begin making alternative arrangements. "With Newcastle United now relegated to the Championship, those members of footballing society hoping to pass their remaining years in comfort will have to move on to pastures new," said Jimmy Billingsworth of the Newcastle Chronicle. "Although it is difficult to see where else some of these old boys can have an occasional light stroll in the park and command over £100k per week for doing it." Inhabitants of "St James’ Retirement Park" have expressed their frustration and dedicated their futures to the one true home prepared to pay them £100k a week for doing sweet FA. "I really want to stay in the area," said a Mr Barton, who has only been able to spend about 75 minutes outside in the fresh air all year, having recently been transferred from his previous care home o...

Police are investigating allegations that a fan of Manchester United football club was punched in the face by the manager of Inter Milan, Jose Mourinho, after the Italian club’s Champions’ League defeat. "We can confirm we are investigating an incident involving between a fan and a visiting Portuguese gentleman that occurred in the vicinity of Old Trafford stadium," said a spokesman for Greater Manchester Police. "It is an investigation complicated by the fact that Manchester United fans have been ‘asking for it’ for quite some time." The fan, who has not been identified but allegedly comes from Surrey, or Bristol or some other suburb of Manchester and is said to have supported the Red Devils since football began in 1992. "United are a side likely to attract this level of animosity being the most successful team in the history of football," said Sterling Billingsworth, Sky Sports football historian. "They have won 10 of the 16 top flight titles since ...

Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger is to stop attending football matches after yet again being unable to view the action on the pitch. Previously Mr Wenger had complained about the visibility at Arsenal's Emirates stadium but has now vowed to watch all matches, home and away, from the comfort of his own sofa. "I have been unable to see any of the action for years," said Wenger after Arsenal's goalless draw with London rivals Tottenham Hotspur. "The only action in the Spurs game was Emmanuel Eboue's sending off, and I couldn't see it because someone stood up in front of me." The diminutive Mr Wenger, 6ft 4in, said he has long struggled to see games, often missing the key moments involving his player's lack of discipline and has repeatedly asked for a booster cushion, or perhaps a step-ladder, to be installed in the Arsenal dugout. Arsenal said that they believed the long-standing issues of Mr Wenger being able to see anything that happens on the pitch ...

After the Portugal and Manchester United superstar, Cristiano Ronaldo, wrote off his Ferrari a statement released through his solicitors called for the tunnel to receive the strongest punishment possible. "My client, Mr Ronaldo, wishes to make it clear that he was making a clean pass through the tunnel at thirty miles per hour," said Archibald Billingsworth QC, speaking on behalf of vast quantities of cash. "From nowhere, and without provocation the tunnel came right across my client’s car causing it to spin wildly and roll along the carriageway at least a dozen times." The European Player of the Year called for greater use of instant CCTV replay by Greater Manchester Police and the prosecution of the Italian sportscar manufacturer, Ferrari. "My client would also like to request for future use of instant CCTV replays," said Billingsworth. "If they had been used by officials they would have seen the blow to his face that he sustained from the 599 GTB’...

Formula One’s former superstar today praised new superstar, Sebestian Vettel after the German achieved his first win of the season at the Italian Grand Prix. “Sebastian drove a good race and, in his performance I think I saw a lot of myself from races in my youth, a couple of months ago,” said Heikki Kovalainen. “Of course it will be interesting to see if he can maintain that level of performance as he matures as a racer into say his third season - which would be next year.” The world's newspapers will carry long-lens paparazzi photographs of Sebastian’s girlfriend or wife, once the press works out who she is. Kovalainen’s comments have echoed the feelings of many journalists from the specialist motor racing press who have toiled for several minutes to revise recent articles on the stellar prospects of Canadian Grand Prix winner Robert Kubica. “I have just dropped an e-mail to my photo editor to get new pictures to go with the article I have just searched and replaced Kovaleinen’s ...