Surreal Scoop

As the tenth anniversary of Tony Blair’s coining of the immortal phrase "People’s Princess" approaches Gordon Brown today revealed further plans to follow in his predecessor’s footsteps. "Tony Blair made great capital out of the statement he gave after the apparent death of Diana ," said the Prime Minister. "I plan to improve my popularity in the UK and internationally, especially in the United States, by invoking similar platitudinal sentimentality regarding the death of the Divvie’s Duchess." As with many leading figures the arrangements for the funeral and commemoration of Sarah Ferguson are made years in advance but in this case are being brought forward on a political schedule. To ensure that the shared grief is as media friendly as possible the pavements outside Gregg’s pasty shops will be cordoned off for laying of flowers and stuffed ‘Budgie the helicopter’ toys. Wedgewood pottery, who she has spent several years promoting, are already stockpiling ...

Herbert Billingsworth of Wakefield, West Yorkshire, has been named as the UK’s most evil man and the country’s entrant into the ‘Evil Eight’ competition. The competition aims to identify a modern ‘Hall of shame’ for the most diabolical people in history and is the brainchild of controversial behavioural scientist Professor J. Scott Billingsworth (no relation). "I was inspired by the New Seven Wonders campaign and decided that we needed to update the traditional Rogue’s Gallery," explained Professor Billingsworth. "We need to get rid of the Genghis Khans and King Herods and bring the whole directory of evil up to date." People across the UK cast their votes via phone, text and over the Internet and Herbert Billingsworth was announced the surprise winner, ahead of early favourites such as Fred West, Dr Harold Shipman and Richard Branson. Mr Billingsworth spent most of the competition languishing near the bottom of the poll despite his history of owning a string of Mi...

Padraig Harrington has revealed that it was the motivation of the crowd that helped him to a playoff victory over Spain’s Sergio Garcia. "The fans have been fantastic with their constant support," said The Open Champion. "When you are standing over a quarter of a mile away from the green you need a few people to yell ‘Get in the hole!’ to make sure that your ball goes as far as possible. The years of endless practice don’t amount to anything in such a pressure situation. It’s the crowd yelling that counts." Whilst many commentators and television viewers assume that this constant and unoriginal yelling must be a distraction the players find it not only comforting but something they now depend on. "The fans have been doing it throughout my pro career," commented Tiger Woods, the winner of the previous two Open Championships. "I get it whether I am teeing off on a par five or have just nudged the ball for a two inch putt. I can’t imagine how the greats ...

George W. Bush today underwent a minor medical procedure to ensure all traces of Tony Blair have been removed from the President’s colon. "The President was advised by his doctors several years ago that he should have a check-up to ensure that when Mr Blair left his office, as Prime Minister, there were no cancerous traces in Mr Bush’s colon," explained White House spokesman Scott Billingsworthski. Following the 11th September terrorist attacks on the US, Tony Blair insinuated himself deeply into the President’s inner circle. It was the depth of this special relationship that raised concerns with George Bush’s doctors about the impact on his colon. Downing Street sent its best wishes but denied that there had been any Brown / Bush contact over the President’s alimentary canal. It is understood the White House received a message from the people of Iraq suggesting that President Bush receive a really thorough probing at least twice. Vice President Dick Cheney briefly gripped th...

Controversy reigns in the world of online advertising as increasing number of websites are using subliminal or even guerrilla tactics to maximise their advertising revenue. Luke Billingsworth, a writer for a technology blog, said that the terms of service of programmes such as Google’s Adsense prevent webmasters from making direct pleas to their visitors to click on such advertising. "I would love to be able to say to my readers ‘If you like the story click on our sponsors and help this site’ but I just can’t do it," explained Mr Billingsworth. "The web community, however, won’t be held back and they will always look for alternative approaches." Currently the trend is to move away from tiresome pop-ups adverts or blunt interstitial pages, to more subtle techniques and reviving some age-old favourite techniques. "Knowing how observant and intelligent my readers are enables me to use very subtle techniques," said Anne Corman, the writer of a satirical websit...

Teesside Magistrates court has ordered AA Aardvark plumbing to pay an invoice served on them by Mrs Gina Hastings. The plumbing firm had initially refused to pay the invoice on the grounds that "it doesn’t work like that". "Well I had to take it to court as they simply refused to pay for my services," explained Mrs Hastings from the courthouse steps. "I provided them with a great deal of service over the two days they were installing my new boiler, services that they should pay for." The dispute arose after Mrs Hastings hired AA Aardvark to install a new condensing boiler and water tank. The job was completed to her satisfaction and she happily wrote them a cheque for their work. "A couple of weeks later I got a call from Joe Billingsworth, who runs AA Aardvark plumbing, asking if there had been some mistake and what I thought I was playing at," she said. "But I just explained that the £43.50 was just for services rendered, plus VAT." M...

A group representing schoolchildren today said it was unfair that those skipping school were branded as truants when in fact they were just supporting the wider efforts within society to have a more fulfilling life by controlling how much they work. "I don’t like go school much ‘cos it’s like totally like stressful," said Jake, 15. "I go sometimes like when the council makes us like. But it’s like so boring that it like stresses me out about homework and exams. It should be more flexible like so we can like choose our own hours and stuff." Several schoolchildren have petitioned their local council saying that they fear being called a truant is a stigma that forces them further from school and gives the impression that they are in some way delinquent. "It’s like dead bad when they send these like letters to like your mum and dad and stuff." said Jake’s sister Shania, 16. "They get like really aggro about it and that’s why I want to go part time, so I c...

Residents of Yorkshire and Lincolnshire have been complaining to the media that their tragedy is being forgotten and that the government is simply not doing enough to help their plight. "It is terrible," said Janice Billingsworth from Hull. "People don’t seem to understand the nightmare we are facing. Carpets, furniture, wallpaper, all ruined. It’s a total tragedy." Those in the flooded areas said that they just did not expect to experience such total devastation to the contents of their cupboard under the stairs in twenty-first century Britain. "It is ok for the people of Bangladesh. The thousands that die in flooding there have never known the hardship of laying a laminate floor," wailed Ms Billingsworth. "The tens of millions of people who are left homeless will never have queued up for half an hour at their local B&Q." Those hit worst by the flooding and who have lost sofas and even kitchen units feel that with the attention of the media ...

In amongst all the commotion surrounding Lewis Hamilton at the British Grand Prix this weekend, one of the most anticipated announcements of the past few years was finally made when General Motors revealed its intention to enter the Formula 1 championship for the 2008 season. "There has been a lot of speculation as to when GM, as one of the largest car manufacturers in the world, would enter Formula 1," said Dermot Billingsworth, Marketing Director of Vauxhall motors speaking at the Silverstone launch. "The time is now right." General Motors said that it feels its Vauxhall Nova brand fits best with the ‘young aspirational male’ demographic, an area where the marque’s traditional strength has been under assault with the resurgence of hot-hatchbacks from German and French manufacturers. "Our aim is that the design of our challenger, the NOVA-F1, will represent what our brand means to young men, and make F1 technology more relevant to road car design. " said ...

The new Home Secretary, Jacqui Smith, today urged Britain to increase its usage of shop loyalty cards and urged retailers who do not have the programmes to introduce them. Ms Smith’s statement comes in the wake of revelations that the Glasgow bombers acquired their supplies from the do-it-yourself specialist B&Q. "We would have been able to detect the preparations for the bombing attempts in London and Glasgow if we had more access to people’s shopping habits," she said in a statement to the House of Commons. "If B&Q had a loyalty card then this data would greatly enhance our intelligence gathering capabilities." A spokesman for the leading retail espionage service, Tesco said that it has always worked closely with the Home Office and the intelligence community and denied that they were using the information for any sinister purpose. "It isn’t just about increased profits for the Tesco group, it is also about the nation’s well being," said Hamish B...

Many communities have problems with the integration of immigrants, but it seems that one in particular has reached the end of its tether and decided to speak frankly about the problem. "The Americans come over here and take over our businesses," complained Pierre Facturations-Valeer, a spokesman for the International Community. "They bring their disgusting food and drink, stinking the place up." continued Monsieur Facturations-Valeer, "You can smell a Pizza Hut from miles away." Other members of the international community expressed similar feelings about the United State’s lack of integration. "They come over here, take our jobs, such as running transport in London. They moan endlessly about the country, it’s not like anyone is forcing them to stay." said Phil Billingsworth. "They don’t bother to learn the language, instead they stay in their own groups with their strange ‘Dude’ this and ‘What’s the deal with?’ dialect. Some of them have be...

There were red faces at the Royal Mail’s headquarters on Monday when Sally Billingsworth arrived to take up her new job. "I had applied for the role of Lost Post Analyser," explained Ms Billingsworth. "I went through all the interviews, selection panels and aptitude tests but didn’t hear anything back. So I assumed that I must have got the job and just turned up." It seems that the rejection letter that Sally should have received had, ironically, been lost in the post, and thus at the start of last week there were two new Lost Post Analysers waiting to start their jobs. "Well, you know, here at the Royal Mail we are quite used to items of post going missing," explained Jane Stubbs, a HR Manager at the company’s Old Street Headquarters. "Although of course this is quite embarrassing it does highlight that we are focussing resources in the right area - that of reducing the number of items lost in the postal system." "Well, it has worked out OK...