Surreal Scoop

 

Today it was announced that the USA was enjoying the most transparent presidency in its history.  All issues are handled openly and without fear or favour. "My Presidency has been one of complete transparency, like no one can believe," said President Donald Trump.  "Like my tax returns, there is nothing for you to see in the inner workings of my administration." President Trump was particularly pleased with the fact that there was nothing for anyone to see in the Jeffrey Epstein archives, not on video, or photographs.  Not even observation logs. "I really can't find anything that you could see," said Donald Trump who has openly appeared on the Epstein flight logs. "I was a dear friend of Epstein for decades.  I lived openly near him and Ghislaine Maxwell in both Palm Beach and in New York.  I have only best wishes for her" The current President of the USA's transparency is not just a new trend, he very much practised it in his first term....

The Supposed "client list" of convinced sex offender Jeffrey Epstein was declared non-existent by the Department of Justice of the USA.   "After the reviewing a big stack of documents I did not find a handwritten note from Epstein" said Attorney General Pamela Billingsworth.  "No sireee, I've read several pages of those documents, so many pages you would not believe, and I have not found anything to publish." The list of supposed clients of Epstein, for whom it is assumed that he procured young women, has long been rumoured to exist snice it is further rumoured that a great source of his wealth and influence came from his ability to blackmail those for whom he had provided such services. However the Department Of Justice has now said that after reviewing thousands of hours of CCTV it has come to the conclusion that over 1,000 women and girls were harmed by Epstein alone and that Ghislaine Maxwell was procuring them solely for her boyfriends own needs. ...

Politicians all over the USA have revealed their scheduled tweets in time for the next mass shooting at a school or religious service. "I think it's important for the people of the USA to know that we have planned ahead and are ready to get straight onto social media," said Bret Billingsworth III (R)). "The people of whichever great state the next shooting will take place in deserve this level of care." Important tweets that are planned and  ready to go include:- "Our thoughts and prayers go out to the residents of -insertPlaceName- at this difficult time.  We know that the people of -insertPlaceName- are tough, resilient and have always come together to support others from -insertPlaceName.-  God Bless -insertPlaceName-". "We are horrified and heartbroken to learn of the significant loss of life in the shooting in -insertPlaeName - Now is not the time for discussions about gun-control not when people are concerned and the incident is fresh in peo...

Jeremy Corbyn has hinted that he may launch a new party, the "Contrary Party" as an alternative to being responsible for policy. "I got scared a few years ago when a group of right-wing commentators convinced a load of students to support me as leader of the Labour Party," he said from the memorial service for some 'freedom fighter' somewhere.  "It looked like I might have to be in government and actually put into practice all these principles that I have so proudly and proudly controversially held." Corbyn, no doubt holding a wreath and condemning something that Britain did, was thought to have done, or perhaps might well do in the future, was speaking on a bourgeois, capitalist TV programme barely fit to carry his contrarian views. "There is an independent group of MPs who absolutely want to criticise everything without there being any risk of them having to come up with a policy to correct the massive, genuine, historic and ideologic injust...

Reform UK has launched it's new Britannia card which will cost the hard pressed taxpayer a mere £34bn a year  but ensure that 10% of the lowest paid workers will receive an extra £25 per year. The scheme, which a foreign billionaire can join with a simple one-off lifetime payment of £250,000 will mean that they no longer have to worry about paying tax in the UK.  However the natives will have to make up the tax take gap - calculated at being about £34bn or about £9,000 per tax payer. "It's a great deal for foreign billionaires, they get to save millions, a great deal for British low-earners who get £25!" exclaimed Farage from his box at Ascot. "That's 10 Euromillions lottery tickets.  Wait, not the Euro one. Don't buy that one." When pressed as who he thought would be the perfect candidate for the ticket, The Member of Parliament for Florida indicated one particular category of non-domiciled oligarch. "Well, I think if you are just about to ente...

Can the international community stand idly by as a once free nation descends into authoritarian oppression?  That is the question being asked in capital cities around the world. The patterns are clear. The current regime in Washington D.C. is a theocratic institution seen as largely a façade for the evangelical Christian movement who have anointed their leader, President Donald Trump as a demi-god. During his first term Trump encouraged insurrectionists to march on the Capitol building.  The mob armed with a gallows stormed the building to disrupt what had up until that point been the traditionally peaceful transition of power.  A mob whose members were, upon Trump’s returning to power in his second term, pardoned of their treasonous behaviour. Trump has turned his aggression to both internal and international foes.  He has conducted negotiations with Iran knowing full well that Israel was planning to attack during them and then joined in himself with a bombing...

Speaking from his grave, the late Donald Rumsfeld solemnly marked the 8,130 th day since the beginning of the narrow and limited action to remove Weapons of Mass Destruction from Iraq. “We said all along that Iraq should not have a nuclear weapon since that would destabilise the region,” said the former Secretary of Defense.   “That was very much a known, known.” As tensions once again lead to military action in the region figures from beyond the grave, or indeed the fiery pits in which they are currently residing, are surfacing to commemorate the successful way in which air strikes have always ended all such conflicts exactly on the neat, telegenic political terms that they are ordered on. “The initial spectacular military success proved decisive two decades ago.   We barely had to deploy a tiny force of only about half-a-million soldiers,” he said. “It led to a mere few hundred thousands of people killed, millions injured and displaced.” Rumsfeld went on to emphas...