Rare sighting of “Office Ninja”

Employees at a large financial institution in the Docklands area of London were said to be amazed by a rare sighting of one of the elusive breeds of middle manager known as the “Office Ninja”. These are those special groups of managers who seem to be able to get into the office in the morning, claim a full day's work and leave without anyone either seeing them, nor any trace of their presence.

“It was quite a special moment, even though we only caught a brief glimpse of what might have been our long lost boss,” said Sarah, an office worker near Canary Wharf. “We thought we had seen him several years ago, when a few of the girls claimed to have felt a breeze in the air as he went past but we weren't even sure if he still worked here. Of course it might just as easily have been a reflection or a trick of the light, since we can't quite remember what he looks like."

Whilst the mature Office Ninja is rarely seen, sometimes the juveniles are more easily spotted as they have yet to fully master the mystic ways of the Office Ninja and only inexpertly pass off their seemingly few tasks to harassed and overworked underlings.

Heard in the early afternoon, the Office Ninja's distinctive cry of “Just off to the other building for a meeting, I'll go straight home from there.” might be the only indication that one is nearby. Little is really known of their behaviour, although recent evidence has it that they are dependant upon Blackberries – which they use to leave short messages about repeated family disasters that mean the Ninja will, once again, not be seen in the office.

For many people the only time they may see such a rare specimen is when one of the older Office Ninjas is eventually made redundant, although this normally happens many years after they have actually stopped working.

“They are a peculiar breed in that whilst other more familiar beasts of the British office environment are emigrating to places such as India and the Philippines, the Office Ninja is becoming increasingly common,” said Professor Keith Billingsworth of the Sidcup Centre of Behavioural Research, above the Metro Bar. “The worrying thing is that if you don't deal with them straight away they can become pests. What with their highly evolved ability to do fuck all.”

Euro 2008 rescheduled for the soaps

Football fans were today absorbing the freshly published match schedules for this month's European Championship and the growing realisation that millions of people would have to deal with the vagaries of match times dependant on Britain's soaps.

“Whilst Euro2008 will be watched by billions of people all over the world we at UEFA understand that millions of men want to be able to view the championship at home in safety,” said UEFA President Michel Platini. “There is nothing more dangerous than a knife wielding menopausal harridan who has been deprived of the latest screaming session on Eastenders.”

UEFA say that this is the natural progression in their attempts to expand the appeal of football not just internationally, but also to women.

“We have taken great steps, following the widespread suffering caused by the Champion's League final moving Corrie,” said M. Platini. “Cristiano Ronaldo has made it clear that, after five years living in Manchester, he would be unable to complete any match that kicked off after 1930 unless half-time was extended to an hour to allow the soaps to be broadcast. Indeed the players will be able to watch on the big screens whilst having their tea in the centre circle.”

TV experts say that whilst the viewing demographic may be different, in reality the contents of both programmes are complementary.

“Our viewers want to watch overpaid people with good hair but bad acting skills, crying and pretending to be hurt,” said Paul Billingsworth, TV journalist at the leading oestrogen fuelled broadcaster GMTV. “You get more of that rubbish during each football match.”

Marathon runner dresses as “runner”

Victor Billingsworth, an enthusiastic club runner from Hemel Hempstead today completed the London Marathon in an elaborate costume of running singlet, shorts and trainers, much to the amazement of the millions of spectators that lined the route.

"I couldn’t believe what I was seeing," said Jane from Colchester. "The children said that there was a funny man on the course and when I looked I was astonished not to see him in a dress, a Storm Trooper outfit or in a Womble suit."

Mr Billingsworth said that he had wanted to stand out from the thousands of charity runners taking part and wanted to be sure to be seen by friends and family who had come to support him.

"It is probably the most difficult part of your pre-race preparation," said Victor after he completed the course in a personal best 3 hours and forty-four minutes. "You spend weeks trying on different outfits to get the right look. In the end I went for a red running vest. My friends thought I was mad."

Mr Billingsworth’s wife, Simone, said that she thought he was insane to attempt to run over twenty-six miles in the outfit of a runner.

"I was worried he might get cold, what with not having the fur of a large teddy-bear costume or the sun-catching, dark garb of a Batman outfit," she said. "All the attention his outfit has been getting is embarrassing."

Not only did Mr Billingsworth not even doff his cap t tradition by the simple act of cross-dressing, he completely failed to take along even the most basic of marathon running equipment.

"I did get a few comments from people who wanted to know where my bucket to put cash in was, or why I wasn’t pretending to ride a large, blue ostrich," said Billingsworth. "But that just motivated me further to show all the doubters and do my talking through my times through each checkpoint."

Mr Billingsworth, a children’s entertainer and professional clown, said that his first round of sponsorship for the marathon dressed as ‘an average runner’ had so far raised over £3m.

Price of photocopier paper balloons during Zimbabwean election counting

The crisis hit economy of Zimbabwe was further rocked today with the news that sheets of A4 photocopier paper were now trading at over Zim$600,000 each. Even in a country used to rampant inflation and shortages of even the most basic of foodstuffs the news has shocked people at all levels of society.

“I had never really believed my country was in such a mess until I had an emergency need to copy some documents,” said office worker Robert Mugabe from Harare. “I have hundreds of thousands of ballot papers to photocopy in a hurry.”

As is so often the case with such economic troubles it is those that can afford it least that are hit the hardest.

“I have personally had to beat several civil servants until they gave over their stocks of paper,” said Mr Mugabe. “If the paper prices stay at this level it will mean complete disaster for the UN food-aid budget, if I can get my hands on it.”

There are concerns that should the crisis in the cost of paper continue over the next few days it might lead to outbreaks of looting.

“I am seriously considering deploying troops on the streets, “ explained Mr Mugabe. “I may have to send them in to raid my local branch of Rymans.”

The economic impact of the news may have far reaching consequences for other parts of the Zimbabwean economy and for the already fragile nature of the country’s money supply.

“It is important that the will of the Zimbabwean people is accurately reflected in this election. Such as by casting a retrospective ballot in my favour on behalf of millions of dead people,” said Mugabe. “To help with officials’ concerns and to be most efficient with such a limited resource, I have asked the Zimbabwean mint to copy the ballot papers straight onto million dollar banknotes.”

Shocking Tolkein manuscript to be sold at auction

Inspired by the £60,000 sales price for a first edition of JRR Tolkein’s ‘The Hobbit’, a collector in Solihull has revealed details of a collection of hand-written manuscripts by the author.

"I found it in an old tea chest of oddments I bought at a car boot sale in Oxford," said retired market trader ‘Sailor’ Harry Billingsworth. "I didn’t realise it could possibly be so important as it just seemed to be a bit of whimsical nonsense about fairies or something."

The manuscript is an early draft of Tolkein’s famous ‘Lord of the Rings’ trilogy although in its hand-written form and under an earlier title of ‘Swords and Things’.

"Clearly he is just getting to grips with his saga. The setting isn’t in the majestic middle-earth, for instance, " explained Billingsworth. "’Swords’ is set in Middlesborough."

Mr Billingsworth explained that the cast of characters was also very different from the litany of Orcs and Wizards we have come to know so well over the decades.

"We may now think of Hobbits as little, jovial, carousing adventurers, but in this early manuscript it appears Tolkein had less affection for them, referring to them as ‘drunken short-arsed gits," said ‘Sailor’. "Instead of living in the ‘pastoral land of the shire’, they instead ‘wallow in the shite’."

There are references to the rich tapestry of the fantasy world back-story that has spawned an entire industry, although perhaps it would have been less successful had the original imaginings seen the light of day.

"The elves were so central to the battles throughout the history of middle-earth," said Billingsworth. "It is surprising to find that they were originally described as ‘those massed ranks of the tree-dwelling, pointy-eared twats’."

The manuscript was found hidden in an old medicine cabinet that is believed to have belonged to Tolkein during his distinguished professorship at Oxford, during the time he wrote ‘The Hobbit’ and ‘Lord of the Rings’.

"I just opened the old cabinet and under several packets of ‘Mr Hollingberry’s Fabulous Powders’ were a couple of battered old notebooks full of strange drawings of dragons," explained the hopeful seller.

In addition to revealing some surprises about the origins of the saga of Arda the notebooks are said to also contain writing that was a complete break with Tolkein’s preferred ‘High Fantasy’ genre.

"There are some 25 recipes in there for a collection entitled ‘How to cook those Wild Mushrooms at the Bottom of your Garden’, said Billingsworth. "There is also a self-help book entitled ‘Write whatever you can remember when you wake up face down in your Mushroom Omelette’."

Delia to release even more basic sequel to “How to Cheat at Cooking”

Delia Smith, the world's leading television cook, has announced plans to release a follow up to her latest book 'How to Cheat at Cooking' which has become another of the author’s phenomenally successful guides for the novice chef.

The TV cook says that she came up with the idea for a series of 'cheating' books shortly after her tired and emotional appearance during the half-time break at the Norwich City versus Manchester City game in 2005. After a spirited first half supporting a lacklustre performance from the club in which she is a majority shareholder, Norwich, she took to the microphone and appealed to "the best football supporters in the world: we need a 12th man here. Where are you? Where are you? Let's be having you! Come on!"

"Obviously I had been supporting the lads hard from the director’s box. When I wrestled the microphone from the club announcer I was so sure they could make more noise because I could see double the official attendance," said the TV cook. "It was then that I wondered how the fans could find the time for fine cuisine and still get to the pub for a few liveners before the game. So I thought I would share a few of my secrets."

Delia said that she often had to knock-up a timesaving recipe using pre-prepared supermarket bought ingredients so that she could take her place at the player’s bar in time for the arrival of the ground staff at dawn.

"If I am running late, I save time by getting the cheesecake straight from Sainsbury’s," said the nation’s favourite cook. "I can let it defrost on the radiator at the Wetherspoon’s near the ground whilst I have a quick eye-opener before the game. And a go on the quiz machine."

Delia said that if it is a mid-week game then she has all the extra pressures of her busy media career to contend with and this can further reduce her time to prepare for the big match.

"When you are in a rush don’t be afraid of canned ingredients, they are something you can just get out and they save loads of time," she said. "After a hard day and a head long rush to the ground in time for kick-off I find that a can of Tennent’s Super on the bus acts as a good relaxer."

Many aspiring chefs wish to cook all their ingredients from scratch, however here Delia has a tip from her years of experience when trying to arrange a late night supper.

"Hopefully the Canaries will have won, and after a few swift halves in the player’s dressing room, it is time to head home. However it is usually late, and whilst there is nothing better for supper than the famous Flemish beef in beer dish - ‘Carbonnade de boeuf à la flamande’, this is a perfect example of how to cheat at cooking," she said, repeatedly. "I use pre-cooked meat from a kebab and I save even more time by not stirring the beer into the recipe itself, I just wash it straight down with a can of Kestrel Export."

Delia will be holding regular signings of the sequel, entitled ‘Cook by phone – Let’s be having you a takeaway’. Just take your copy along to the burnt-out Astra under the Carrow Bridge most nights after closing time at the ‘Queen of the Iceni’.

Fat gene enabler identified

Scientists have revealed details of the means of operation of the so-called 'fat gene' and its interrelationships with other proteins within the DNA chain. The identification of the gene, known by its genetic identifiers as LRDY, is seen as a breakthrough for millions of sufferers whose bodies are unable to naturally regulate their pie intake.

"The benefits of this large body of research into people's susceptibility to LRDY are numerous. We hope to be able to offer a genetic therapy which can be administered by injection, or orally in say a chocolate milkshake," said the leader of the research team, Professor J. Scott Billingsworth. "Not only that but during the research we collected enough free burger tokens to keep the population of Glasgow fed for at least 10 minutes. We have about a billion tokens."

The researchers say that those desperate for a reason to cancel their gym membership should check for symptoms which include a compulsion to queue outside a Gregg's Pasty shop and spasms of the nervous system around a salad bar.

A group of very large campaigners welcomed the news from the research team and said that it made an even more compelling case for cream cakes to be made available on the NHS.

"It is such a relief that it is an evolutionary trait dating back hundreds of thousands of years that compels me to drive the few miles to my nearest pub and order six packets of pork scratchings. Three times a day," panted Michaela Billingsworth of the 'Fat and Fit' campaign from the steps of 10 Downing Street. "Oh Jesus, I need a sit down. And a mars bar."

The research team however revealed that there was a statistical link between sufferers of excess LRDY production and the millions of people who suffer from the mental condition known as being 'big boned'.

"Despite the historic discovery made last year, it is clear that being big-boned is a mental disorder," said Professor Billingsworth. "The statistics show that 93% of 'big boned’ sufferers answered positively to the research question 'Would you like fries with that?'"

The LRDY gene exists to a greater or lesser degree in all of us, said the research team, however other proteins in the DNA chain regulate it.

"What is clear is that a person's susceptibility to LRDY is directly related to the production of the protein responsible for the American accent," said Billingsworth.