Daily Express lambastes Diana comic competitor for showing facts

The world's greatest comic, the Daily Express, today launched a scathing attack on a competitor for what it describes as a “flagrant publishing of facts” about Diana, Princess of Wales in a newly released comic book.

“The story of Diana is no place for facts and accuracy,” complained an editorial in the Express today. “This newly published comic about the life of Saint Diana of Wales tarnishes our carefully crafted memory of this otherworldly and saintly goddess, even though she was being ridden by an immigrant.”

The comic “Female Force : Princess Diana” documents her life based on events that have actually happened and been recorded by reputable news sources. This has provoked the ire of the Daily Express and caused the care workers at the Diana Circle for the delusional to be forced to use up their stocks of Ketamine to regain order before nap-time.

“This comic illustrates Diana's final days, with lurid so called ‘facts’ such as being on a yacht with Dodi and having had a state funeral broadcast around the globe,” ranted the Express. “The drawings bear no relation to the long lens paparazzi shots that we published before and after we said we wouldn't. At no point does it mention our stories about how she was knocked-up – even if it was by a foreigner.”

The paper further condemned references to the deaths of both Diana and Dodi Fayed in a car crash in 1997, something that the Express believes is an unjustifiable insult to their magical and almost unbelievable story of a fairy princess.

“Where are the true stories of how she cured AIDS with a hug or cleared away all the lost land-mines with just a smile? Where is her role as an icon for family values?” boomed the Express in its heavy hitting article next to the listing for its proprietors porn channel. “This so-called comic can't match our standards of truth. It makes no mention of the lizard people preventing Diana from unlocking the secret of the Holy Grail by attempting to kill her.”

The newspaper said that above all else the ending of the comic, referencing the funeral showed a complete lack of journalistic integrity on the part of the comic's Canadian publishers.

“You can't expect Johnny foreigner to understand our history the way we do,” said the article. “We have reported about Saint Diana of Fayed every day over the last decade and we know that she is alive and well.”

Handwriting analysis reveals Gordon Brown to be 21st century's most evil man

The nation's leading newspapers, and The Sun, today revealed the results of a wide-ranging survey of one sample of handwriting. The graphology survey, the first of its kind to be published by those pretending to be journalists revealed that not only does the Prime Minister have bad hand-writing but that he is possibly the most evil man in history.

“It is clear from the way that he wrote his 'i's, over 20 times, that he is an evil monster, worse than Hitler, Stalin or Simon Cowell,” said newspaper editor Rebekah Billingsworth, 13. “Not once did he put a little heart on the top to show his love. The man is clearly a bastard.”

The letter was sent to a grieving mother of a heroic soldier killed serving his country in Afghanistan. The Sun emphasised that the letter is further evidence that Gordon Brown should be burned at the stake.

“This letter looks like it has been written by a man for God's sake!” said Billingsworth. “How impersonal is that! From a Prime Minister! It’s almost indecipherable, almost like it is written in German. See how evil this monster is?”

The family of the deceased were dismayed at the handwriting and the difficulty they had reading it, suggesting that for subject matter so sensitive perhaps a typed letter would have been more appropriate. These sentiments were echoed, repeatedly, by The Sun.

“Can you believe that he would even think of sending a typed letter?” cried Billingsworth. “If you can imagine that, imagine him typing it in Comic Sans too. The evil, vicious bastard.”

Number 10 denied that they had ever contemplated sending a typed letter and that the hand-written nature of showed just how important writing to the family of those who have fallen for their country is to the Prime Minister.

Gordon Brown has since apologised for any distress caused to The Sun newspaper.

David Cameron pledges to make future pledges

Following news that the Lisbon Treaty will now be ratified by all member states, David Cameron pledged his future to making further pledges but said that the days of a cast-iron pledge may now be unsustainable.

“Two years ago, when there was little hope I would be in power, I made the people of Great Britain a cast-iron promise to hold a referendum on the EU Treaty,” explained Mr Cameron. “Soon I will be in position to take full accountability for that pledge, which is exactly why I won't. Instead I pledge to make future pledges.”

Mr Cameron said that the Tory leadership would lead the way in promising things and then not following through with them. Pointing at New Labour, and Gordon Brown in particular, Mr Cameron said he would improve the government’s record on pledges.

“In 2005 Labour promised the same referendum, they too failed deliver,” said the Tory leader. “The Tories promise to take that pitiful single attempt and will pledge more letters of decisive action until we are elected, followed by hard and fast promises once in power. This will really demonstrate the ability of a Conservative government at pledge making.”

Mr Cameron gave a further copper-bottomed guarantee that his policy would also include, “concrete pledges” , “hard-and-fast promises”, and “indications of the direction towards which future intent might gravitate”, having already begun with his promise to "work a day in his life".

The Conservative leadership is keen to stress that it is completely united in its desire to gain power and avoid any unseemly debate over closer European integration which following through on an actual promise may well entail.

“European treaties have always been divisive within the Conservative Party,” acknowledged Mr Cameron. “The debate always involves inevitable compromise between a desire for a sovereign autonomy within a wider trade facilitating framework and me having the chief whip threaten the euro-sceptics with being fisted with a broken bottle.”

However Mr Cameron re-iterated that the traditional conservative cast-iron promise industry was now unsuitable for a modern, globalised political environment.

“It is time for the future, and I pledge more investment in copper-bottom guarantees within a wider concrete-pledge framework,” said Cameron without even a smirk. “Britain has to face up to a very difficult future,” he added. “One with a Conservative government.”

General Gordon : “British economy will be back by Christmas”

General Gordon Brown today rallied the troops of the British economy with a stirring battle cry certain to revitalise morale after the unexpected news that the British Expenditory Force had not seen a recovery in the nation’s fortune.

“It is clear that, possibly, we can see that there may be indications of a shadow of a partial recovery by the end of this year,” thundered Gordon in one of history’s greatest leadership speeches. “Certainly early next year, if not perhaps shortly thereafter.”

General Gordon was responding to recent news of the reversals in performance of our chief economic allies, France and Germany, who have seen their prospects improve by securing victories in the battle against malevolent recessionary forces.

“Under my leadership I have put in place a structure to support anyone in Britain wishing to amass a small fortune,” said General Gordon. “They simply start with a large one.”

General Gordon said that it was vital that everyone understood that they had their role to play in the latest push forward to secure success on the international business battlefield.

“It would be suicidal to put recovery of my poll numbers at risk by suddenly cutting off the logistical flow of your cash when what we need is another big push,” said General Gordon. “I am solemnly prepared to sacrifice just a few more millions of your jobs, or billions of your pounds to send us over the top.”

The General also took time to respond to allegations that a further set-back might lead to a spiral of failure and reduction in morale that it would be impossible to recover from.

“There is now no danger of suffering a second Great Depression,” said General Gordon. “The yellow pills really are quite marvellous.”

The General, through another commanding oratory, reminded us that last year he had succeeded in saving the world and re-iterated that all that was needed to secure Britain’s future was one more valiant charge.

“As I stand here on, or very nearly close to, the edge of a decisive change in fortune, with the people of Great Britain standing determinedly behind me,” he implored in his trademark crescendo of rapture. “All I need is one more push and it will all be over by Christmas.”

Study reveals average mental age of internet user is 12 years old

Studies have confirmed what many have suspected for some time, that everyone else is arrogant, rude, unprincipled and self absorbed.

“We have been studying society for some time now, especially with the growth in the internet and social media,” said Professor J. Scott Billingsworth of the Jeremy Kyle University. “Countless studies and thousands of individual researchers have concluded that everyone else is an unspeakable shit.”

Researchers claim that the explosion of internet forums and networking sites unrelated to normal circles of friends and work colleagues has provided an unparalleled ability for other people to abuse each other and strut like pre-pubescent children.

“You can see the behaviour all around us but somehow we let it go,” said Billingsworth from his cell. “You only have to look at the way people drive huge 4x4s so that they don't have to consider other road users, or how using a mobile phone or an iPod makes you exempt from having to look where the fuck you are walking. For some reason other people's seats are good enough for you to put your feet up on.”

However the study found that the Internet was a very fat and ugly mirror into the natural behaviour of everyone else, with comments on blogs and internet forums revealing the mental age of the average internet user to be 12. If you are lucky you retard.

“In the past, people were just as arrogant, but having their identity known meant that only a few of us had the sophistication and wit to properly insult all the time-wasters,” screamed Professor Billingsworth through the access hatch. “We would engage in letters and articles entrapping journalists with their stupid gay voice recorders who can't even work their out of date mobile phones. God you are so lame.”

The study, distributed via the Kyle University's website was supported with a live Q&A text chat session to discuss it's findings in greater detail.

“FFS OBVIOUSLY !!!1!!1!one” an unnamed co-author of the report responded to a question. “You journalists are just uber-noobs fucktards. Probably gay too.”

Middlesbrough surprised at having to sack Gareth Southgate

The board of Middlesbrough Football Club have expressed surprise at having to sack Gareth Southgate after the team’s 2-0 victory over Derby County.

“To be honest we thought we had sacked him ages ago,” said Middlesbrough board member Steve Billingsworth. “I thought that we had just been winging it for a couple of seasons, but it turns out that he has been coming in everyday!”

Middlesbrough, another North East club notable for an unshakeable belief in its own greatness, claims that it must be looking after longer term interests than just being one point off the lead of the Championship.

“Obviously Middlesbrough is a Premier League team, the best in the world. Premier League class,” said Billingsworth. “I don’t care if that is football, or cricket in India.”

The club however has reiterated its heartfelt gratitude to Mr Southgate in the same warm and sincere tones with which it had recently backed him in the role of manager before he was sacked.

“We would like to thank Gareth for all the hard work, skill and determination that resulted in us losing more games than we won and at one point going 14 games without a win. Not to mention giving Middlesbrough a genuine chance at winning the Championship trophy thanks to our relegation,” said a statement. “Without doubt he is a Middlesbrough man through and through.”

The statement continued that Southgate was always welcome at the Riverside Stadium since “we really need some bums on seats. And he is fully qualified.”

As is the custom, rumours are now circulating as to who the new manager of such a massive club will be.

“I have seen a former candidate for manager of England looking at adverts in a newsagent’s window in Coulby Newham,” said one fan. Another reported seeing a currently unemployed Scottish manager talking to his former goal-keeping coach while they “queued to buy 4-weekly saver bus tickets for the Teeside zone.”

Union attacks plan for 30,000 more casual workers at Royal Mail

The Communication Workers Union, which represents staff at the Royal Mail that are postal, has condemned plans by the Royal Mail to employ 30,000 temporary employees to deal with the back-log created by union members working even less than normal.

“There is no way that these new temporary staff are going to gain the experience of a proper postie in just a few days,” said Bob Billingsworth of the CWU. “It takes years to be able to time your toilet breaks to work time only and to know the best skips on your route into which to dump mail. If all the proper posties are on strike, who is going to show these new people the 'undeliverable parcel' ropes that helps fill the end of month lucky dip with so many Amazon and QVC packages?”

Union workers are objecting plans by the Royal Mail to drag the institution into the 21st century. They fear that increased automation is likely to lead to job losses and a chance that your letter might get to the correct address, rather than just ending up in the first house on your street that the postie passes.

“If you are lucky!” commented Billingsworth. “We in the union want to make sure that in this modern day and age an item of post is handled by at least 6 highly skilled and fully qualified people before being ripped to shreds.”

Other modernisation plans involve a radical scheme to have the sorting office check the intended address against it's own comprehensive database of possible addresses before handing it to a bloke on a bike who, if confused, will just deliver it somewhere that looks a bit like it.

“The Royal Mail lives in a fantasy land. It claims that it is now possible to tell the difference between house numbers such as 43 and 13,” said Billingsworth. “It has even claimed that the numbers 12 and 13 represent different properties! A machine would have to be sober to achieve that.”

People across Britain are believed to be taking no additional precautions to allow for the thousands of items of post that will become lost, damaged or stolen during the postal crisis. As most believe they will see no difference to normal postal service.

“Apparently there is a word for what they will be doing, it's something called a 'Strike',” said the owner of a mail order business in Sheffield. “I assumed it was just business as usual.”