Next King of Scotland declares the country will use the Air Miles as its currency

Scotland's new King in waiting, Alex of Salmond, today refuted claims that he is making up policy on the spot. He also denied that he was making a desperate bid to secure his coronation before grown-up Scots sober up and realise life probably isn't all England's fault after all and hastily reverse their plan to allow children to vote.

“I have been entirely clear and consistent when I said all along that Scotland would be an independent nation in Europe and use the Euro as its currency,” said King Alex from what will one day be his palace in Holyrood. “Sterling is a fully convertible currency and hence I can convert my plan from the Euro by just saying it differently.”

Alex “King” Salmond said that perhaps any confusion had arisen by journalists who might have used Siri and its triumph with regards to understanding the Scots.

“I think you'll agree that Scotland is as close to Europe as Scandinavia and since Vikings came over to Britain many years ago I can convert our economic community to forming ties with Norway just by saying it will be so. Fully convertible you see,” he said from his office. “Now I have just checked Thomas Cook's website and it seems the Canadian Dollar is looking quite strong at the moment So, there you go we will convert to Canadian Dollars.”

Mr Salmond then re-launched the revised policy stressing that people had misheard him talking about Scandinavia and he had all along been stressing Scotia communities.

“Clearly Scotland has a proud and steadfast community in Nova Scotia and independent Scotland will form a lasting trading alliance with the New Scottish. Hence it makes sense for us nationalists to convert to a ‘loonie’ based economy.”

Mr Salmond was pressed as to whether or not he thought it important that Scotland's central bank would now be over three thousand miles away in Ottawa but said that this was clearly in line with his policy.

“I have checked and that would probably take a lot of transatlantic flights to ensure Scotland's voice was fairly heard in Bytown,” said the man to be possibly Scotland's last First Minister. “Therefore I plan to convert Scotland's currency to air miles, since without the rest of the UK we are miles from bloody anywhere useful.”

Agony Aunt - “I am a closet cross-dresser”

Fiona, the world’s fastest Agony Aunt is here for you! With the help of her team of counsellors and sex therapists she’ll answer sexual, relationship, emotional and family problems for all ages.

Dear Fi,
I am a middle-aged family man with a secret. For many years now I have been secretly cross-dressing in women’s clothes. I have a small collection of dresses and shoes which I sneak onto business trips etc so that, when alone in my hotel room, I can dress as I feel I should and I can be myself. However despite society being so much more tolerant and liberal I can’t yet face going out in public.

First of all though I need your guidance as to how I can tell my wife and two darling children.
Yours,
Martin,
Norwich

Dearest Martin,
Most of us put on a performance to convince the rest of the world of something that, deep down inside, we know isn’t true and your transvestism is just another case. Take Red Bull Racing, for example. Whilst they may pretend that they are in fact an Austrian F1 team they are based in Milton Keynes and have been since 1996 when they were formed as Stewart Grand Prix, before passing through Jaguar to RBR.

So, just as Force India claim to be from the sub-continent but have been based in Silverstone since 1991 as Jordan, you wish to dress up as woman to reveal how you really feel about yourself. So I say go for it. Surprise the wife and kids at breakfast to find you in a nice casual summer dress. Don’t forget to shave your legs!

If you want to take your transformation further, perhaps, progressing towards surgery and finally becoming a woman, then take your example from Mercedes. They dress their car as German in their Brackley, England base, but they have no shame in grabbing their throbbing powerplant from just up the road in Brixworth and using it as a stressed member.
Auntie Fi

UEFA Allows Wayne Rooney To Be Violent Against Ukraine

European football’s governing body has upheld the Football Association’s request to allow Wayne Rooney to be violent against players from host nation Ukraine by reducing his international suspension from three games to two, meaning he could return to international thuggery for the final group game in this summer's European Championships.

“After due deliberation and taking into account Wayne’s previous record as a foul-mouthed, violent cheat in both domestic and international competitions, we have determined that the three match ban was too harsh,” said Michel Billingstini of UEFA. “It would have deprived fans in the Ukraine of that true spectacle of English football - watching Wayne stamp on their heroes’ faces.”

Many football pundits had pressed for a reduction in the sentence meted out to Rooney following his violence against Miodrag Dzudovic from Montenegro citing his previous disciplinary record and precedents of previous UEFA rulings.

“Wayne has been cheating at the highest level for years and has consistently been dismissed from pretty much every competition he has abused the match officials in,” said a member of the FA committee. “He was very disappointed with the World Cup in South Africa when he was unable to get within punching distance of an opposition player. He wants to make a great return before getting sent off against Ukraine.”

The ruling has raised hopes of England progressing from the group stages but without Rooney for the first two games there are question marks over whether the rest of the team can deliver the performance needed.

“John Terry needs to step up and deliver a good end to his international career. We know he can stick his nose within a millimetre of a player or referee’s face,” wrote one journalist. “But he might have to channel a bit of Zidane’s head-butting style if England are to kick their way through Sweden and France.”

The possibility of Rooney playing in the final group game will not just be felt in the relentless pummelling of the self-esteem of those match officials who dare to give a free-kick against the brutish centre-forward but will have repercussions in the computer games industry.

“Now we have the ruling we need to put all the motion capture and behavioural ticks of Wayne's game back into the official video game. It’s quite a psychologically damaging process for our game designers,” said one insider. “We might just put a football shirt onto a Grand Theft Auto character.”

Apple Overjoyed As iPhone 4S Passes Turing Test In Scotland

Boffins at Apple's Cupertino headquarters in California are today said to be overjoyed at the news that the company's latest offering, the iPhone 4S, has managed to respond to human interaction in a manner that users are finding indistinguishable from the response of a real person.

“Apparently our Siri users in Scotland have found that the iPhone 4S has absolutely no idea what they are saying,” an acolyte from Apple Core gestured through a ‘multi-touch’ interpreter. “This is exactly the response any real human would have when trying to interact with a Scotsman.”

The voice operation software in the new 4S has been found to reply only with confusion and bewilderment at suggestions from north of the border. This silicon confusion is the same that any of us would have when confronted by a Scottish user who wants to know the time, what the weather is going to be like or where the lowest priced can of Tennent's Super can be found within staggering distance. And whether the phone has any change for the bus home. It really is for the bus, pal.

“Turing is one of the indicator tests for the progress of technology, if a computer response is indistinguishable from that of a human then the system passes.” gestured the acolyte. “And frankly there is no one alive that knows what the Scottish want.”

However an international committee is said to be studying the results closely, as they believe a crucial criteria of the Turing test may have been overlooked.

“The iPhone behaviour needs to be in response to conversation with a human,” said one Nobel Prize winner. “I am not sure that qualifies just any hominid, regardless of how angry it feels, or how large it’s feeling of victimhood - so we are not sure the Scotch qualify.

“Oh has that thought upset them? That’s predictable. I’m English.”

Ex-Pats Flood To UK For The Weather

As Britain continues to bask in its typical balmy autumnal weather, thousands of immigrants from Spain, the south of France and Portugal are heading to the UK for the lifestyle and the weather.

“After Geraldo sold his business we left came to Britain, mainly for the weather really,” said Maria Billingso through an interpreter. “Obviously Spain is finished as a country now anyway, so we came to Torbay where the quality of life is so much better. Although you can't get a decent paella and the locals are quite lazy.”

Maria Billingso is one of the increasing number of ex-pats from Spain and other countries who have come to Britain for retirement. Spanish communities in many tourist hotspots are rapidly growing, although there are complaints regarding a lack of integration between the newcomers and their adopted communities.

“They come over here, they don't learn the language, walking around in their ‘Bandera de Espana’ shorts and calling everyone Dave,” said Dave, a pub landlord. “They get fuelled up on San Miguel and insist we switch the TV to La Liga matches.”

Although the ex-pats have turned their backs on their homelands, the websites of right-wing Spanish and French newspapers are filled with comments from residents of the UK who simply won’t leave the country they don’t want to live in alone.

“I don’t speak English very well, and quite often there is nothing to do but sit in the sun in England, so I like to fill my time checking onto the events back-home that actually don’t affect me anymore,” said Billingso. “I like to highlight the articles that I feel are why I left Spain and why everything in Britain is great. Then I end by telling everyone how much I miss buying mantecados from Mercadona.”

In some parts of Britain the ex-pats now out number the natives and with new developments being tailored to the visitors leisure needs, many local Britons are finding it difficult get on the property ladder.

“You look at these new places springing up, they have heating, and even running water some of them,” said one Gravesend resident. “But there is no way my kids are going to be able to afford an apartment in the new bullfighting complex, not even in that tower they are building to push donkeys off.”

It isn’t just the accommodation that is starting to concern local residents, it is the gradual shift of political and economic power in favour of the ex-pats.

“It is important that we have our voices heard in the local council so that our planning needs are reflected and that is why I am running for Mayor,” continued Maria through her interpreter. “I will of course learn English, but until then I need planning permission for a satellite dish to receive TVE as British TV is mierda.”

Supporters of Liam Fox Deny Anyone Would Volunteer To Be Near Him

As the investigation into the circumstances surrounding the relationship between Adam Werrity and Dr Liam Fox continues, each new revelation hints that there might be someone who is comfortable to be around Liam Fox without being paid to do so.

“I find that idea completely amazing, have you met Dr Fox?” asked Julian Billingsworth, who has been part of the Defence Secretary’s Woodspring constituency team for the past 20 years. “If I wasn’t getting a bung I wouldn’t want to be near the man.”

Government ministers and civil servants alike have rushed forward to defend Dr Fox from accusations that his friend Adam Werrity was not paid by either the Conservative Party or a government department.

“If Werrity wasn’t paid, then he must have been accompanying Fox to that meeting in Dubai out of friendship. You have to admire Werrity because, Jesus Christ, that’s a seven hour flight,” said Billingsworth. “I can only tolerate a cab ride to our constituency office with him because I know he is paying for the 6 pints I’ll need to get through lunch.”

Those investigating allegations that Mr Werrity was in fact just a friend of the Defence Secretary and enjoyed his company said that there was no evidence to substantiate these wild accusations and that Mr Werrity simply must have been paid by someone. Surely.

“We even confirmed that staff at his local hospital use his impending visit as a way of bargaining with patients over unpleasant medical procedures,” said one senior civil servant. “And even the sick kids insisted that if they spent more than 20 minutes with him they were to get either a Ben-10 watch or let off coma-preventing dialysis for the day.”

The Prime Minister is said to be deeply concerned over the revelations and has asked for early sight of the report should the investigation find that a senior Tory has engendered affection in another human being

Iconic Palin 1.0 discontinued - US downgraded in world lunacy rankings

Political and economic analysts have indicated a further decline in American power and influence with the discontinuation of the original, iconic, right-wing nut-job, the Palin 1.0

“I think that many people around the world that might take their lead from American lunacy will see the future as one of continued decline,” said Armin Billingsworth. “The ending of the Palin 1.0’s Presidential ambitions means that America is losing key skills in irrational swivel-eyed madness.”

It would now appear that hopes of an increase in US nut-job production with the much anticipated release of the Palin 2.0 have been dashed as the model finally shipped to users turned out to mostly repackaging of the older model. The heralded feature of greater voice control turned out to actually be more gaffe-prone than ever and early adopters have reported flaws in its memory and handling of history. The prototype Palin 2.5 – codenamed the Wanking Witch - is still considered too unstable for mass consumption.

“Well we had hoped the Palin 2.0 would enable America to regain its world lead in madness, but now that the Palin has reached the end of its useful life these skills may be lost forever,” said Billingsworth. “We have had a look at the Romney, but really it can keep a lid on true lunacy – it rarely mentions its belief in golden tablets from angels and how Native Americans are the true sons of Israel.”

However even though America may now be heading for an age of reason and rationalism the like of which has not been experience since Franklin D. Roosevelt, the Palin series showed what might have been as it signed off for the last time.

“There was that one sweet moment that showed what could have been. When the Palin 1.0 summed up the office of President - of the Commander In Chief of the armed forces, of the invested power of the executive branch of the Federal government, of the defender of the constitution - as being a mere title,” said Billingsworth wiping away a tear. “I thought for one magical moment that her head might revolve to reveal the face of a trapped evil spirit on the back of her skull and that it would start talking directly to God.”