Women too fat to see their own feet complain M&S shoes make them look frumpy

The board of Marks & Spencer was today reeling from an onslaught of complaints made during the company's Annual General Meeting that its shoes make middle-aged women weighing over 18 stone look unattractive.

“I shop with my daughter, since we are both big boned and can only see each others' feet,” said Irene Billingsworth, shopping with her daughter, Jean. “No matter which pair we tried on, we both felt that none of them made us look like size 10 models.”

Marks and Spencer said that they were convinced that they had a wide range of shoes in their stores and that they attempted to provide stylish footwear for all.

“But, frankly, they are shoes, if you are wearing a size 20 dress you need a hall of mirrors to look good,” said a spokesman. “We sell shoes not bloody miracles.”

Shareholders also complained that the range of clothing on offer for shoppers who know where the escalators are, but not the stairs, was not flattering enough. They point to other retailers, such as Evans - the retailer for women who are pleased their stores are near Greggs pie shop, which has recently launched a new designer range.

“We are really pleased to announce the new Beth Ditto Collection,” said an Evans spokesman. “It is an especially good value range, having been derived from a former deal with Millets for a brand of floral print tents.”

The high street challenge of looking good is not confined solely to the female pie enthusiast, and it is hoped the new range endorsed by breakfast time news avoider Eamonn Holmes will provide for the larger gentleman too. The range includes an extra high desk and wide screen laptop to hide behind.

After Michael Jackson : Interviewees terrified they will be the next victims of the CURSE OF BASHIR

Experts said last night that former interviewees of Martin Bashir are “shitting themselves” following the death of Michael Jackson, who was the subject of the former Newsround presenter’s controversial interview. This follows less than fifteen years after Bashir's infamous Panorama interview with Diana, Princess of Wales.

“They are just dropping like flies! Hot on the heels of Diana dying, a mere twelve years later and Whacko Jacko has dropped dead,” said unsuccessful nanny and convicted baby killer, Louise Woodward. “I am quite literally shaking.”

Other of Bashir's interviewees are said to be equally nervous that they may be next to fall victim of what someone at Sky News will inevitably scream is the “CURSE OF BASHIR”.

“You wake up each morning and you're just thankful you are alright!” said former closet enthusiast, Michael Barrymore. “People used to give me a million quid for that. This curse though won't put me off from another big money interview. But it has to be exclusive, no pool interviews.”

Members of the public currently mourning the death of the “self-proclaimed King Of Pop(tm)” have been saddened to learn of the Bashir connection and that any of his interviewees could be next to die sudden and premature deaths.

“It is just such a crying shame that anyone of them could be taken from us without a moment's notice,” said Kay Billingsworth an amateur journalist working for Sky News who has rushed out to Los Angeles to stand next to the Jackson mansion and look at cars leaving the driveway. “But with a 24 hour news cycle to fill, really we should get to pick who dies next with what we are calling the 'CURSE OF BASHIR’.”

Analysts have pointed out that believers in the curse may have to wait some time for its next manifestation, given that it took two year’s to claim Diana following her interview, and four before the “self-proclaimed King Of Pop(tm)” became its latest victim.

“It looks like this is a curse that is in for the long haul,” said one TV journalist. “Still we can take some consolation from the fact that Martin Bashir did interview Jeffrey Archer.”

Reality TV runner-up to split from Britain’s Got Talent semi-finalist in April 2014

In an exclusive interview to all newspapers the nation was shocked to learn that Kimbly and Jake Billingsworth are to split following their torrid 18 month marriage in late 2012.
"We expect that we won’t be able to deal with the come down from trying to jump on the Olympic bandwagon," said Kimbly Smith, 17 from Romford and the future fourth place finisher in Big Brother 12.

Ms Smith, who will meet Jake Billingsworth on the set of Celebrity Kidney Swap 2011, is expecting to be horrified when photos of her to be husband and an unknown lap-dancer hired by their agent are printed in the tabloids over the New Year of 2014. This will, say showbiz friends that the couple have yet to make, be the straw that finally puts an end to a marriage that will appear to have been lived out on the cover of OK! magazine.

"I haven’t met them yet," said seditious television twat Piers Morgan. "However I fully expect that Jake will say he hardly knew the dancer in response to Kimbly’s tear-filled story which has yet to be written by Heat magazine."

Kimberley has said that she expects to struggle with the constant media intrusion into her life, something she never asked for after fame was thrust upon the unsuspecting teenager following successfully becoming a Big Brother housemate after only her third attempt. She will nonetheless bravely try to stay out of the spotlight by only appearing on game shows, as a talking head on TV shows about reality TV shows and launching her own range of perfumes and personalised enema kits.

"The thing that I will want to know, tearfully and maybe whilst in rehab if my career has gone well, is how the paparazzi manage to take those photos of me that upset my Jake so much," said the currently single ,unknown, future fifteen minute wonder. "How do they manage, on the only times I wear a short skirt and no knickers to always get a photo of my fanny? Such as when I will step out of a cab into the Met Bar at exactly 11:30pm on September the 14th 2013? And again at China White’s the next night, but around an hour earlier as I expect I will have a shoot for my pop-video the next day."

Jake Billingsworth is said, by pals to be invented by the 3am Girls, to be holding up well under the strain of realising that he will only be famous for having Kimbly on his arm and is already planning to try to win her back.

"We will have to see how it goes," said Kimbly, "I will always love, Jake isn’t it?, but it will be difficult for us to get over the incident on my 22nd birthday. Which will be when Jake learns that I was in gent’s toilet cubicle with a professional footballer holding my hair to keep it dry - whilst he is doing me from behind."

Sorrow on Tyneside as prestigious retirement home closes

There were complaints yesterday as one of the world’s leading retirement homes closed, forcing many who hope to see out their remaining time to begin making alternative arrangements.

"With Newcastle United now relegated to the Championship, those members of footballing society hoping to pass their remaining years in comfort will have to move on to pastures new," said Jimmy Billingsworth of the Newcastle Chronicle. "Although it is difficult to see where else some of these old boys can have an occasional light stroll in the park and command over £100k per week for doing it."

Inhabitants of "St James’ Retirement Park" have expressed their frustration and dedicated their futures to the one true home prepared to pay them £100k a week for doing sweet FA.

"I really want to stay in the area," said a Mr Barton, who has only been able to spend about 75 minutes outside in the fresh air all year, having recently been transferred from his previous care home of Strangeways prison. "I love the North East and can’t see me wanting to leave to break other player’s legs anywhere else."

Fellow pensioner, Mark Viduka, 87, said that he was dedicated to continuing doing as little in the North East of England as possible: "I have spent a quiet retirement in Middlesbrough and a lovely time doing nothing in Newcastle. I want to live within about a 10 minute drive of work, because I don’t run for much more than that during an actual game."

One of the most high profile residents of the retirement home said that he was exploring other options but is dedicated to using his remaining years to extract the maximum out of Newcastle United’s bankers’ careers.

"I have left other clubs, such as that red one in Liverpool, because I wanted to win the Champion’s League or at least something spelled like it," said Mr Owen, 82, from his Newcastle home, in Cheshire. "I hope I can still fulfil my dream of huge amounts of cash now that Newcastle have qualified for the Championship League."

Well-wishers of the St James’ Park Retirement Home said that it was a sign of the times and were stereotypically stoic about the whole situation.

"It is an absolute disaster for the biggest club in the world, like," sobbed Alan "King Kevin" Keegan Donnelly-McPartlin, dressed like a 6ft tall crying barcode. "But I dinnae see any reason why a few seasons in a lower division should stop us winning the 2010 World Cup or the Winter Olympics, like."

Sinn Fein MPs swear allegiance to Her Majesty’s Cash

After decades of refusing to acknowledge the legitimacy of the UK in governing Northern Ireland, the political wing of the IRA’s most senior politicians today admitted a deep allegiance to Her Majesty the Queen’s parliamentary expenses system.

"Feck me, that’s a big pile of cash now, to be sure," swore Sinn Fein leader Gerry Adams upon learning that the Daily Telegraph has calculated that 5 Sinn Fein MPs have claimed £500,000 in London second home allowances despite refusing to take up their seats in Parliament. "It would be wrong to say we don’t like the British presence in Northern Ireland. We love all the folding pictures of the Queen that you can put in your wallet!"

The Sinn Fein MPs denied there was any wrong doing claiming that they required the London homes for important business such as not taking up their seats in Parliament, not swearing allegiance to the crown and not voting on matters affecting Northern Ireland. All of which they claimed would be impossible to not do without travelling over to London at the British taxpayer’s expense to not do them.

"Given the choice where would you rather be when not doing your job as an elected representative of the people of Northern Ireland? Belfast or London?," said Shamus O’Billingsworth. "Exactly. You have clearly been to Belfast."

Sinn Fein denied that there was also anything irregular about the size of rents that the MPs had claimed despite evidence that they are over twice the market rate for rental properties in the area.

"You have to understand that in the years that members of Sinn Fein have been not sitting in parliament and not representing their constituents has coincided with several explosions in the London housing market," said O’Billingsworth. "The costs of property has blown the roof off rental prices. Which is why we view these explosive allegations as rather incendiary."

However the controversy over MPs’ second home allowances and expenses claims has led to cross-party calls for reform and Sinn Fein is now leading that charge.

"Whilst we refuse to acknowledge our obligations as MPs in Westminster we fully support the idea of moving the commons to the British Virgin Islands as a means of making the claiming of expenses more efficient," said O’Billingsworth. "But I swear to you we will travel to the new chamber to denounce everyone in it and refuse to take our seats. Unlike the first class seats we would undoubtedly take on the plane over. We would need the extra space to be as non-productive as possible for the people of Northern Ireland that we will continue to not represent."

Politicians out to smear other politicians – media outraged it was not involved

Across the country politicians are expressing outrage at the unprecedented revelation that members of one political party were planning a dirty tricks campaign against its rivals in a scandal that may damage the electorate’s faith in politicians forever.

"We have only had politics for a few months now and look, already it is being turned to crap," said a first time commenter in an internet discussion forum. "In the weeks that I have been following the news I have never once heard about politicians spreading rumours about each other – who do I complain to so this will be stopped?"

Several tabloid newspapers have joined in the outrage and have devoted what remains of their in-house journalism capabilities to cover what has been dubbed as "Downing-Street-email-address-used-to-discuss-spreading-rumours-and-innuendo-for-a-new-innuendo-and-rumour-website-gate"

"Never before in British political history has someone working for one party – Now Labour isn’t it? – tried to start rumours about someone from another party – they are the Conservatories? Yeah?" said the Daily Star’s celebrity correspondent Nikkister, drafted in to cover the outrage. "I can’t believe that people can behave like this after Jade Goody. Don’t they stop to think what Jade would do?"

Questions are also being asked about the role of the "blogger" after it transpired that the recipient of the email was a misleading, self-promoting, shouter on a Labour supporting blog whose emails were outed by a rival pseudo-anonymous, right-wing, mud-rakng blogger following several weeks of calling each other names. Rumours of hair-pulling are said to be unfounded.

"dis shows de power of the internet, how it lets ordinry ppl sit @ home n thump the keyb hard with there opinions," said an anonymous comment left on ignorantshoutytwats.com. "de media dont like it coz dey have 2 check facts and libel and speeling and stuff. But our community on dis site of real people with all made up userids and e-mail addys can call anyone a shirt-lifter."

The mainstream media has reacted to the rise of the bloggers. One unsigned opinion piece in the Daily SendThemAllBack claimed that: " … there is no place for journalism based solely upon spreading rumour, abuse and innuendo outside of Fleet Street. The rise of the citizen journalist will lead to amateurish and ineffectual mud-slinging diluting the results than can be achieved by a team of expert and professional journalists."

Hillary Billingsworth, professor of media studies at the Jeremy Kyle University has been monitoring the development of the unprecedented scandal and says that it has serious implications for the future of politics and journalism in the UK.

"This is the first time that any of us can remember anything in politics that could amount to spreading rumours about someone’s character," said the Professor. "For generations politicians have been selfless, upstanding citizens. Free from vice and corruption they are dedicated to creating a utopia for us all to live in. To think that their stock-in-trade might be a selfish and devious manipulation of people’s opinions – perhaps by horse trading favours and influence in exchange for power – will be a body blow to the reputation of politics."

Already the long-term ramifications for the nature of politics are being felt as the Oxford English Dictionary admits it is reviewing it’s definition of "politician" which currently reads:-

pol·i·ti·cian noun :- one who develops a property or second home to increase its value using funds obtained from their constituents by force.

Downing Street revealed that the Prime Minister had personally written to those that may have become victims of the smear campaign had the details become public knowledge, which they now have, but a spokesman would not confirm if the letters contained an apology.

"All I will say is that Gordon Brown has made it clear that these are unsubstantiated allegations that should not be repeated," said a spokesman for Number 10. "On that matter the Prime Minister has written directly to the nutter, the dirty stop-out, the transvestite and the one with itchy under-pants."

North Korean rocket successfully lands Dear Leader on Jupiter

This weekend the official news agency of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea announced that it had successfully launched a rocket deploying a satellite into orbit.

"The glorious rocket launch gloriously launched a satellite into orbit from where we are receiving patriotic signals and news that our glorious leader, Kim Jong-Il, is returning from having set foot on Jupiter," said a spokesman for the North Korean government. "The Dear Leader is returning to glorious North Korea having had a summit meeting with his father, the Great Leader, in the Great Red Spot of revolution on Jupiter and inspecting the people’s glorious new bouffant wig production facility on Io."

The United States and South Korea however dispute the success of the mission, claiming that the 5 year round trip to Jupiter was unlikely to have been completed in a weekend and that the rocket instead crashed into the Pacific Ocean. It also added that Kim Jong-il’s father, Kim Il-sung died in 1994.

"The glorious data from the glorious satellite contains our Dear Leader singing revolutionary songs as he rows the glorious symbol of glorious North Korean tractor based space technology across the skies and back to glorious North Korea," said a presenter on Korean Central Television. "This is another breakthrough for glorious North Korea and marks yet another glorious achievement following last week’s glorious news that last week Kim Jong-il had gloriously cured cancer and discovered the secret to eternal youth. All at the age of 29."

The news of North Korea’s rocket launch is believed to be a cover for missile tests and the latest step by the secretive communist country to develop long range ballistic capability in parallel to it’s nuclear programme. This despite widespread reports that the country has been suffering a famine for several years, something that was also denied by the regime in Pyongyang.

"The puppet regime in the South wishes to spread the lies of the obese, capitalist pigs of the United States," said a North Korean children’s television presenter. "However all children should join their parents in rejoicing at the news by gloriously going to bed without food to mark the hundredth glorious day of dieting."

North Korean officials said that the capsule containing Kim Jong-il would soon return to Earth. It would remain out of radio contact until it had descended through the clouds over the Cuckoo-land area of North Korea. It will then be met by a delegation consisting of Elvis Presley, Superman and Godzilla who would present him with a Golden Fleece and ceremonial diamond encrusted platform shoes donated by the orphans of Pyongyang.