International Shock As Celebrity Arranges Letters To Spell Naughty Words

The United Nations was today considering the ramifications, on both the emergency situation in Haiti and the ongoing efforts towards a peaceful settlement in the middle east, that will be felt by news that a minor TV presenter had discovered how to use the text messaging function on his phone.

“That Vernon Kay has sent text messages is not the major issue,” said UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon at an emergency meeting of the Security Council. ”It is that he managed to arrange some of the letters to enable the pixels to spell what some might think are sexy words.”

Many analysts believe that the so-called “Star Text Sex Scandal” could deal a massive blow to the prospects of the two state Palestinian solution being proposed by the group of four, in the hopes of peace and prosperity in the middle east.

“We stopped the air-lift once we read the front page of The Sun.” said a red cross official. “You wonder how you can go on knowing that Tess, who always looks so lovely on Strictly Come Dancing, might be a bit miffed.”

In other, unrelated, news Mr Kay's wife, Tess Daly was seeking the consolation of her friendly publisher who will be releasing her new book imminently.

Whilst friends have expressed grave concern for the future of their marriage and Mr Kay was seen in a Soho coffee shop perusing the “photo messaging” section of his iPhone manual, the markets were upbeat. News that Mr Kay may have been exchanging arrangements of electronic letters with as many as 5 women saw the FTSE rise 134 points as traders invested heavily in mobile phone carriers.

“Photos showed him with an iPhone so I made a killing on O2 shares thanks to the STSS,” said one trader. “It's likely that he has used way more texts than are bundled with his tariff.”

This is not the first time that the UN''s credibility as an international bringer of peace and security has been rocked by news that a celebrity DJ has been found using electronic devices for titillation. In 1991 humanitarian efforts in Kurdish northern Iraq were almost derailed when news broke that Terry Wogan had shown a female researcher how to enter numbers on his calculator to spell “BigBOOBS” when held upside down.

Analysts Believe GOP Has Changed Electoral Strategy From “Given Up” To “Slapstick Comedy” With Introduction Of The “Palin Palm-Prompter”

The Republican Party of the United States today moved closer to putting its large ‘southern hospitality’ weight behind Sarah Palin in its search for a politician who won’t put off voters with complicated policies or intelligent concepts.

“Many ordinary extremists want to turn to Sarah Palin since they’re turned off by Obama speeches that you just can’t write into a single twitter tweet,” said Kurt Billingsworthski, one of the founders of the Tea Party Movement. “One of Mrs Palin’s key strengths is that you can’t fit more than one hundred forty letters into her Jesus loving hand.”

Mr Billingsworthski was responding to criticism of the former Alaskan Russian Affairs Spokeswoman’s strategy of making a joke about President Obama’s reliance on teleprompters whilst reading notes written on the palm of her hand.

“Mrs Palin knows about us, she is one of us, you know, ordinary working stiffs, you know writing the answers on the palm of her hand,” said Billingsworthski. “What conservative voter in America hasn’t done that when taking their GED?”

The Tea Party movement is a “grass-roots organisation” that aims to bring together ordinary Americans who are angry and disaffected with what they see as their country’s move away from their own fantasies about its constitution and the current President’s desperate lurches towards civilisation. The underlying fear of many is that the problems facing the United States cannot be solved by large-scale government intervention, and instead believe the solution lies in buying more books and DVDs by Fox News anal-disorder enthusiast Glenn Beck.

The Tea Party is a euphemistic homage to the revolutionary zeal with which disaffected colonists illegally boarded and terrorised merchant ships, with no respect for private property, during the so-called “Boston Tea Party” that helped lead to the American War of Independence which set the country back over 200 years.

“We was angry back then and gosh-darn-it we is angry now. All these liberal, commie A-rabs! We need to reclaim our country from this ‘health is a fundamental principle’ nonsense” said Billingsworthski. “That’s why I am here and founded my group – Conservative Homeland Is My Principle.”

The C.H.I.M.P Tea Party was the show-piece event at the end of the convention and many of the ordinary, grass-roots, right-wing American extremists attending the event welcomed Mrs Palin by screeching, beating their chests and doing back-flips.

“They certainly do look like regular people, in their suits, with their huge toothy grins,” said one analyst. “But then they just started screaming incoherently and flinging their shit around. It’s clear that evolution really has passed the Republicans by.”

Apple Unveils Another Technological Breakthrough With New Compact “iPad Nano”

Apple has moved to once again take the portable consumer communications industry by storm with its latest product launch. The company has announced a product that aims to make the well tested and hugely popular touchscreen technology of the iPad, so familiar in trains, airports and Starbucks across the world, readily accessible and even more portable.

“We all know that the iPad has revolutionised our smug, coffee shop web surfing habits. Now we want to make it easier for our polo-necked customers to have a superior air about them wherever they may be,” said Apple CEO Steve Jobs making the multi-touch salute ‘ZoomOut’ - the sign of the Apple Cult. “Whilst everyone has become so used to the iPad, many people just want a bit more convenience, and so I give you the iPad Nano.”

To the background of cheers and choreographed multi-touch ‘ZoomIn’ gestures, Mr Jobs unveiled the smaller, more compact iPad Nano at the exclusive mountain-top retreat known as ‘Apple Core’.

“The iPad Nano condenses the web-surfing, video and music playing capabilities of the iPad into a form factor that you can hold in your hand, or even in your pocket,” said the Apple High-Priest to a round of applause. “Rest assured your favourite applications can all be downloaded just as before, but now the hilarious drinking lager app looks like you are having a swift half, not a whole bucket!”

Apple said that it was responding to rumours of criticism of the iPad: that it was bulky to carry around and its large and unwieldy display led to a battery life of a mere 10 hours.

“Apparently some of the brethren have expressed displeasure to my acolytes that the device is so large even though it has no keyboard, and that its size makes the Chosen Tablet cumbersome to take to places to be seen in,” said Mr Jobs through an interpreter as he continued his presentation purely in the multi-touch gesture language. “We find this difficult to believe, not least because the people who made these complaints have disappeared.”

The iPad Nano boasts impressive specifications. It is half the height of the full size iPad, at 4.5 inches, and a third of the width, at 2.4 inches. Also revealed at Apple Core was that the multi-touch gesture for “disappear” is to slide one’s finger across one’s throat.

“The iPad Nano is a truly revolutionary device, and will come with additional features,” gestured Mr Jobs as he ascended upwards. “There will be a version that not only has 3G capability but also includes the functionality to make telephone calls.”

Following the unease with which the Chosen Tablet’s name was received by the public, especially among women, the iPad Nano 3G will be sold under the name ‘iPhone’.

Hotline Closes Upon News That Swine Flu “May Not Have Killed Everyone On Earth After All”

The government has announced the closure of the Swine Flu hotline so beloved of journalists and other layabouts. This comes less than two months after the Chief Medical Officer admitted that the Swine Flu outbreak may not have been quite as deadly as first feared. Figures indicate that 392 people have died from the mild flu, a figure slightly less than the 210 million September death-rate predicted for the small sea-side town of Formby alone.

“It turns out that there may be one or two people still alive, somewhere,” said Medical Officer Sir Nigel Billingsworth. “Even so, this still vindicates the official medical approach. Although it is possible that large numbers of cases of diarrhoea were in fact a direct response to the medical plan code-named ‘Scare the shit out of everyone’.”

Medical experts from around the world are convening at an international conference to determine the best approach to future outbreaks and plan a co-ordinated response – as well as which manufacturer of a pointless vaccine will benefit from the next outbreak.

“We are all a little disappointed about Bird Flu, you know about all the panic in the streets,” said Billingsworth. “There wasn’t any, but I am sure we can do better next time.”

Experts believe that some opportunities were missed with the recent outbreaks due to a lack of co-ordination regarding the branding of their products.

“We had some confusion, and there was a lot of wasted exposure when the name H1N1 was used to try and convince Americans that Swine Flu, which spread to humans from industrialised pig farming, wasn't related to pigs.” said Billingsworth. “But we can't rely on the stupidity of the American public any more. Some of them have access to the Internet and a few can even read.”

Indeed it is effective branding that medical opinion is convinced will provide a more fertile breeding ground for medical papers, research grants and the all-important public service interviews on the GMTV sofa that will lead to greater royalty fees for their next books.

“We haven't done very well recently. Bird Flu , Swine Flu and Bitch Flu, they just aren't aspirational. If you are trying to get a week off work you want it to sound really, really deadly,” said Billingsworth. “We are therefore toying with 'Angry-Wildebeest-Flu' or perhaps 'Cornered-Mother-Tiger-Protecting-Her-Cub Flu'. There were licensing issues with our first choice – 'Wolverine Flu'.”

Whilst Swine Flu has claimed less deaths around the world than 'falling over' does in a month in an average care-home, medical experts insisted we must remain vigilant.

“We have to make sure that all instances of Tamiflu are completely eradicated, by making sure you all get as much as possible,” said Billingsworth. “So let me re-iterate the official medical advice – you will all be dead by morning.”

Vatican Prejudice Expert Blasts British Equality Laws As Having “Insufficient Inequality”

Prejudice enthusiast Pope Benedict XVI has hit out at the UK's proposed laws aimed at inequality in the workplace saying that there is simply not enough prejudice to satisfy his lust for objectification and subjugation.

“I know good prejudice when I see it, I am an expert with over 70 years experience in bigoted organisations ranging from the Hitler Youth to the Roman Catholic Church,” said the Pontiff. “The British legislation would mean the Church would have to consider non-Catholics, gays and even women as the equal of a blessed donkey.”

Pope Benedict was providing his expert analysis of proposed laws aimed at preventing organisations from rejecting prospective candidates based on religion, ethnicity, their preferred method of combining their genitals or whether they have the physiology to enable them to give birth to future Christians.

“This legislation wouldn't discriminate against anyone! It's ridiculous, it is a violation of the natural law,” said the former Nazi. “2000 years ago the majestic carpenter was very clear that no one who has genitals should use them. He has made me the expert on natural law by giving me his whispers of continual guidance. And this big hat.”

Many religious groups fear that this new earthly and rational law will compel them to employ or do business with people whose lifestyles conflict with the high moral standards of Christian beliefs. They also fear the effect the administrative overheard may have on a Roman Catholic church that is currently settling hundreds of paedophile and paternity cases involving its ministers.

However Roman Catholics have been joined by high ranking irrationalists within the Church of England who are opposed to the removal of the special exemptions for religious groups. They insist their faith compels them to discriminate on the basis of the rigid and clearly defined principles of Christianity that have been continually translated, mistranslated, re-translated, rewritten and reinterpreted, then misinterpreted, over the past two millennia.

“The pope is right to insist on not doing any business with me. As an openly gay man there’s no way that I could possibly compile a church's accounts,” said chartered accountant and committed Catholic, Glenn Billingsworth, “The binary values stored in the electronic spreadsheet files would have all their magnetism become infused with my thoughts of cock.”

David Cameron Urges Householders To “drag burglars into the kitchen, it's where the knives are”

Conservative leader David Cameron has pledged to strengthen the laws protecting householders if they beat up an intruder in the middle of the night, or maim a dinner party guest whose house price growth is better than your own.

“I believe these people leave their human rights outside, so we will make sure that you can drag a hoodie into your kitchen before you give him a good beating,” said Mr Cameron. “As the criminals say ‘You just watch your step in my manor’ … house.”

Mr Cameron said that the law must be clear, unambiguous and above all appealing to those people who only read the headline or the first paragraph of an article in the Sun or the Daily Mail.

“Householders, especially in High Wycombe, need to know that if they have apprehended an intruder they are free to inflict brain damage upon him,” said Mr Cameron. “They need assurance that the law will allow them the freedom to change weapons during the beating. There will be provisions for the homeowner to choose between an iron bar, a cricket bat or a hockey stick. Or use all 3.”

Mr Cameron was speaking following a number of high-profile cases that have once again re-opened the debate about the levels of extreme violence a member of the public is allowed to inflict on a criminal.

“I think the tariff is clear, no-one is saying that losing a VCR is worth taking a human life for,” said Mr Cameron. “But have you seen the picture quality on the latest LED HD TVs? If someone stole one from you, no court could begrudge you cutting their spines with a carving knife.”

Mr Cameron emphasised that it was the duty of political leaders to ensure that ever strengthening human rights were not abused by the law breaking to weaken the protection of the law abiding.

“It is one of the greatest principles of English Common Law that Myleene Klass’s home is her castle,” said Mr Cameron. “All former reality TV contestants who have been out of the limelight for a couple of years should be able to wave a knife out of their own kitchen window without the need for their publicist to phone the Sun.”

Apple's Steve Jobs Regrets Asking Dom Joly To Design His New "3rd Category" Device

A-Level Pupils Practice At Being Whiny University Students Following “Difficult” Exam

Future undergraduates were today engaged in a further day’s practice to be whiny university students by continuing to complain that one of their A-level exams may have been more difficult than expected given the last several decades of record pass rates.

“Dat Biology exam was like soo unfair. There was like q’s on it that I didn’t no no answers to or nofink, There was like nuthin off of de course on it,” said one complainant. “If dis one is so hard I’m real worried about ma English exam.”

The complaints about the AQA Biology Unit 4 paper allege that the questions bore no resemblance to the curriculum that the pupils believe that they might have been taught in between texting each other, and indeed bore no resemblance to past papers. The complaints are being collated on the 21st century’s medium of choice for ineffectual whining, the Facebook group, where pupils claim they were screwed by shrews.

“I’d looked at some past papers and done lots of revision for this Biology exam,” said Callum Billingsworth in one of the few posts written in English. “Well I watched a whole series of Scrubs and some Grey’s Anatomy. There was nothing in those about removing hairs from shrews.”

The children are complaining about the obscurity of the questions on the OCR Biology paper and are also complaining that the questions were not clear as to the level of knowledge they were required to demonstrate.

“I really hadn’t expected that an A-Level exam would contain questions of such difficulty, or indeed questions,” said one of the few other readable posts. “The past papers that I looked at definitely gave the impression that writing my name nice and clear would pretty much guarantee me an A Star.”

Many of the examinees were worried that a bad result on this exam would leave them at a disadvantage when competing for places at universities with other students who are likely to hold at least 12 A Star passes at A-Level if previous years are any indication.

“I’m worried ‘cos I need to of got a good grade in biology,” said another poster. “It might make it harder for me to go to a top-ranked medical university and do media studies.”