Wednesday, November 18, 2015
Jesus fans were today queuing up to see the latest image of their idol that has been discovered in the icing on a Belgian Bun purchased from a bakery in Chatham, Kent.
“It's been bedlam here since I tweeted the picture of Our Lord,” said Ben Billingsworth, a believer from Chatham. “I couldn't believe it when I opened the pack of two buns and found the holy visage staring back at me. It's uncanny”.
Mr Billingsworth has had to hire the local scout hall such is the demand from people to see the bun with people coming from all over the country to queue for up to 7 hours to have a chance of seeing, and taking a selfie with their Saviour.
“Obviously it's an important moment in human history, and I want to bring Christians together at this time. But for those that can't be here I have a range of commemorative holy relics on my website,” said Mr Billingsworth. “There is a very affordable mousemat.”
Skeptics argue that the image may just be coincidence, a fortunate positioning of raisins around the central cherry “nose” or perhaps just a trick of the eye caused my light and shadow playing on the icing.
Others go further and assert that neither the manner of creation of the, nor the lighting conditions in which it is viewed can in anyway cause it to be a representation of Jesus Christ.
“It's clearly an image of Elvis,” said comedian Ricky Gervais.
Saturday, November 23, 2013
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
UK readers of The Sun are to be charged for online access to the newspaper later this year. News International has said it will allow readers access to 20 sensationalist made-up articles a month and then readers will need to subscribe to read the rest of the rubbish it produces.
"The Sun website is fantastic but I believe that we are all suffering in the print world,” said Chief Executive Mike Billingsworth. “Part of those people are saying day in, day out 'why am I paying for the Sun when I can get a load of made up nonsense by reading Surreal Scoop for free?'."
The Sun, like sister paper The Times before it, will retreat behind a paywall thus forcing both online and newsprint readers to pay to learn details of which celebrity has been to the gym, slept with another celebrity or is starring in a TV show on Sky.
The newspaper industry as a whole is struggling to compete with an online world which can provide news of events as they happen from all over the world and, most importantly, no need to wait a day to read what celebrities wear when they take the dog for a walk. The Sun argues that by forcing people to subscribe to read it's offerings it will be able to retain the high level of output that the nation has come to expect such as the world's leading network of close celebrity confidents happy to spill the beans on tearful late night mobile phone conversations that everyone else would expect only to be known to the callers, and perhaps their voicemail systems.
“Rest assured our long standing journalistic traditions will not be affected by this change to accessing our online content,” said Billingsworth. “The Sun will continue to be news of the tits, by the tits, for the tits.”
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Fitch Ratings tried desperately today to get someone to pay attention to them and their incompetent industry by downgrading another prominent country despite worldwide acceptance that credit rating agencies are as effectual as saying “no” to a priest.
“We have to say that we are putting the UK economy on negative watch, do you hear, negative watch. That's important that is,” said Glenn Billingsworth, Head of Alphabet at Fitch to a well attended gathering at the Derby Girl-Guides and Brownies cake sale. “I know the cupcakes do look lovely, but can you just listen – we might move the UK from AAA to AA+! Do you here AA+?”
Mr Billingsworth said Fitch was joining in with the other ratings agencies in seeking an audience after being rendered utterly meaningless having failed to spot the AAA rated subprime bond collapse. Similarly Standard and Poor's issued 1000 leaflets at last weekend's St. Luke's church fete in Formby explaining its analysis of the 2011 downgrade of the United States. Moody's said they were watching the market intently and are collecting 10p coins in case they need to make use of the Bexley Library photocopier prior to speaking at the Welling United Bring-and-Buy sale.
After Mr Billingsworth's presentation, and the local parents had finished buying cakes, there was time for a question and answer session:-
Sophie (Brownie 7) : “AA+, does that mean Britain is very good?”
GB : “Yes, it does. Very good indeed. Just not quite as good as AAA. If you have an AAA credit rating you are safe to invest in, AA+ you are still safe, but, well, not quite as safe as AAA which is the safest of all.”
Louise (Head Guide, 17) : “So has the UK ever not paid back a debt?”
GB : “No, never. But, erm, well it might sort of not pay back something, but of course it will pay it back as we still think it is AA+”
Katie (Guide, 15) : “So what is the point of changing the rating?”
GB: “Well it's very complicated in the world of financial instruments. I am not sure we have the background knowledge here in this lovely, lovely hall to fully cover the intricacies of sovereign debt. But the chance of us downgrading the rating is the important bit, that you should tell your mums and dads about. Negative Watch is the phrase, shall we say it together?”
Mary (Brownie, 6) : “But for years didn't you insist that your subprime Collateralised Debt Obligations were AAA rating even though, for example, the Credit Suisse issue ended up losing investors $125m?”
GB: “Sorry little girl, I can't hear you over that vacuum cleaner. Is that the time already? I really should be going.”
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Approved communication no. 4213253/201303-SS1
The beloved Prime Minister of the UK, in collaboration with the
Deputy PM, the leader of the
opposition and a well
funded lobby group
of concerned victims of unspeakable outrage,
have approved the creation of a regulatory body to ensure that the
press is free to print only the truth.
In what was a clear victory for
the Conservatives the Liberal
Democrats the Labour Party Hollywood celebrity fronted Hacked Off
victims of scurrilous press intrusion no one everyone
there will now be a new body formed via a Royal Charter, that will
ensure that corrupt politicians hard working
public servants and intoxicated, weakly talented
celebrities in rehab who give up their time for
charitable efforts can conduct their lives reading only plusgood
messages about themselves.
“It has become apparent, over the very recent hundreds of years of the free press in the UK that some journalists have been stepping outside of acceptable behaviour,” said the Prime Minister. “They have conducted in bribery, unauthorised access to communications systems and contempt of court. Actions which are only covered by existing bribery, communications and contempt of court laws. Therefore we need the state to have more powers to ensure that they don't break those laws again.”
There will begin an education period for the Proles to ensure that they understand that
radical adoption of press regulation risks the
ability to speak truth
to power there
will be no change in their freedom
and that they will continue to be watched
for benevolently by
graspers of power
hard working public servants.
“It's horrifying, all those papers I was forced to buy to read all that intriguing speculation about whether that bloke with the mad hair, or that couple of doctors, had been murdering people. It's good to know I won't be forced to buy that stuff again,'” said
Citizen Billingsmith. “These new laws to stop bribery and
hacking and so on will be thought through carefully, of course, to
ensure that we still find out which celebs have been shagging.”
Inner Party members such as politicians and celebrities have welcomed the proposals, especially the ability for those media that do not sign up to the new regulatory body to have to incur all costs of litigation, even if they successfully defend their cases. On the other hand some disloyal members of the press have expressed concern at not being present at the late-night negotiations that took place in Room 101 of the ministry's Victory Square building.
“At no point has the press been excluded from a process in which we did not let them take part. Their voices have not been ignored, since we didn't ask their opinion,” said Nick Clegg, the
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
The Bank of England is to consider a bold approach of treating the High Street banks in the same manner as they treat their customers, by instigating charges on the money a bank holds with the central bank.
“I went into my bank the other day to try to work out what to do with my savings that had mysteriously dropped to paying, basically, fuck all percent interest,” said deputy governor Paul Billingsworth. “I decided to move some money about, then the rob-dogs started going on about charging to write cheques. I thought, 'right, lets do the fuckers right over'.”
The statement was part of the evidence that Mr Billingsworth gave to the Treasury Committee regarding consideration for instigating negative interest rates.
“Basically we will charge them for holding their money with us, see how they like that,” he said. “When they want to hold less, well I might just charge them for making the withdrawal. Seems only fair.”
The banking industry reacted angrily to the news and said the action would have severe repercussions on the British economy.
“Negative interest rates will affect key areas of society, namely bank profits and those profits are needed to pay the bonuses that ensure Britain has the finest banking talent retiring at the age of 45,” said a spokesman. “Anyway it's not the Bank of England's money, it's ours, you can't charge us to get at our own money. Oh, I see what you are doing there.”
In other news High Street banks said that savings accounts will now pay zero or less interest and a royalty fee will be levied on anyone using the phrase bank, banker or synonyms such as “thieving, incompetent git”
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Ms Mantel’s lecture was a thoroughly researched, considered and deeply intellectual exercise in judging people solely by how they look or by how other people said that they look, having met few of the subjects herself.
“I’ve read a lot about the sex lives of Henry VIII, Anne Boleyn, its interesting stuff,” she explained. “Fascinating. Strong powerful men taking what they want. Women powerless to resist. I am sixty 60 now, but I was young once. I could show you some photos of a younger me. I am sure you would have … “
Ms Mantel had to leave the lecture to retire to the fainting room and await a “strapping doctor to massage the hysteria away”.