REVIEW : Writer tries out new voice recognition software oh lovely, two sugars please

After several months reviewing voice recognition software as a productivity that was Lady Ga Ga and Just Dance, next up we have aid the results have been mixed at best. Indeed this review is being dictated using Take it Down Ultimate Edition from Billingsware.

Can you turn the radio down love? I am trying to write the review. Now where was I?

Computer operations, such as starting programs and minimising windows are straightforward enough although it can be surprisingly cumbersome to use the phrase "minimise Word" when a simple mouse click will suffice. Bugger Word’s gone now, maximise Word.

Care must be taken with accents although the software does have a "native" setting that appears to be Geordie. This means that you can get access to the Start Menu with "Haweh", open Internet Explorer by saying "porn" and send a file to the recycle bin by shouting "shite".

Our experience of voice recognition software has been generally good, although even after many months of "training" it can still suffer from confusion over homophones. This can result inn recognised text being scattered with watt appears two be spelling or grammatical errors requiring extensive manual editing get down Tiddles, I’ll feed you in a minute, which somewhat reduces its efficiency as a tool.

However it is undeniably cool to have the words simply pop-up on the screen as you let the flow of conscious mess conscience ideas simply take there their own path to the page and it definitely frees the mind to really focus on the subject at hand god her mother really is fat.

For best operation use only in silent environments – you may have problems in a crowded office.

Most of the software on the market can be configured for sound levels, dictation speeds and can have "safety words" added so that the recording can be stopped immediately. Care must be taken to avoid the chosen word being uttered by mistake.

Below is an extensive explanation 35 point how-to for optimising the configuration. Sorry for the length but we think the detail will help users get the most out of the software.

1 – Changing the safety word to fruitbat

REVIEW : Bush “Presidential” Radio

Said to be the first portable radio capable of receiving AM, FM, DAB, CIA and GOD broadcasts, the “Presidential” is a recent entrant into the high-end market from the consumer electronics company Bush.

First impressions are of a retro and unsophisticated appearance, harking back to early wireless or even pre-war sensibilities. However this simplicity belies some underlying sophistication.

The device contains some of the latest station seeking technology, including a function to quickly locate the most strident of Christian broadcasts and the first commercial use of 'Wavelength Modulation Decoder' searching that will generate music to the listener's ears out of even the strongest noise. Furthermore, if you want to Blair your news out loud, it can be programmed to add a catchy back-beat to “sex up” reports.

In tests though, we felt that the audio processing of the Bush Presidential consistently enhanced the warmest sounds, making the rich richer, whilst ignoring others, and for some quality of broadcasts actually made the poor, poorer.

Whilst in many ways the controls are in keeping with the unsophisticated stylings of the Bush Presidential, we found that there are some extremely disappointing build quality issues. For example the volume control, bewilderingly labelled as the 'Loudificationator', is a basic speech processor with an extremely simplistic linear control called the 'Axis of Level'.

However the really important test is the performance of the Bush Presidential on the road. We have tested it around the world and its reception has been patchy at best. Without a doubt it performs best in North America although there are reports that after prolonged use, say about 4 years, the user may elect to choose a different station and find that the Bush Presidential refuses to leave its current position. There have also been reports from angry Presidential listeners in Latin America, especially in Cuba and Venezuela who have been frustrated by its output. We also discovered that the version of the Bush Presidential launched in late 2001 turned out to be incompatible with Europe. However, its worst reception by far was in the middle-east where its Victorian sensibilities were found to be completely inappropriate.

This poor build quality and patchy performance isn't just nit-picking either since the device does not come cheap and consumes a lot of energy – it will cost the citizen at least $87bn a year to run.

The Bush Presidential, in summary then, promised a whole new technological approach but ultimately delivered an old fashioned performance based on an out-dated design that has generated a poor reception around most of the world. It is, however, the best receiver for messages from God.

REVIEW : “Handbook for the confused”

A new publication aims at helping those confused by today’s fast paced media driven lifestyle. The "Handbook for the Confused : Voices to be heard other than those in your head" is priced at £14.99 from all good bookshops.

The book is aimed at all of us who struggle to tell the difference between the talented and the trained monkeys that we see on television and in the newspapers each day "to separate out Chimpan-A to Chimpanzee". It contains sections on politicians, sportsmen and women as well as media celebrities. An indicator of our times, it devotes a whole chapter to Reality TV Stars and the porn actors and actress that they would aspire to be.

In the political chapter it explains that, despite the easy confusion over the fleet-of-footedness to avoid all trapdoors across either wing of the political stage, it is Tony, not Lionel, Blair who is the Prime Minister. The book provides a good explanation that whilst he always appears on TV as an authoritative and patriarchal figure, It is John, not Mike, Reid that is the Home Secretary.

It isn’t always successful - the profile of David Cameron does its best to distinguish the Conservative Party leader from a shape-shifting chameleon not of this world, but fails at the final hurdle.

It is a well paced tome, using straight forward language without pandering to the hyperbole of the tabloids nor the snootiness of satirical websites. Indeed within its 500 pages you will find answers and explanations to most of your questions regarding the "Who?" and probably more importantly the "Why?" of British society. Although needless to say it contains no explanation for "Ant & Dec".

Indeed a triumph of the husband and wife authors, Howard and Hilda Bigglesworth is their explanation that the reason that the heavyweight, overbearing, opinionated and bumbling Deputy Prime Minister manages to get himself into such bizarre and embarrassing scrapes is that he is in fact Oliver Hardy.