Surreal Scoop

Budget airline Ryanair has today launched the latest innovation in the low-cost airline industry with the announcement that passengers will be asked to purchase the amount of oxygen they wish to breathe during their flight as part of the check-in process. During the flight passengers will then be able breathe their allotment through masks that will be hang form the overhead compartments. "With rising fuel prices Ryanair is once again demonstrating innovation in keeping costs down for passengers, " said Chief Executive Michael O'Leary holding a press conference whilst wearing an aqualung to demonstrate the frequent flyer option. "We are continuing to make air travel affordable to gasping, blue-faced Europeans." The plan was announced on Tuesday following a successful trial of the ‘Pay as you Go’ option during one of the airline’s flights on the Bristol to Barcelona route. All passengers who were offered the chance to breathe at high altitude said that it was a se...

The closing ceremony to the most expensive Olympic games ever, four times the cost of the Sydney 2000 games was another spectacle from China that stunned the world. However even as thousands of performers danced and sang in front of members of the cream of Chinese and western corporate societies in the unaccountably expensive Bird's Nest stadium, officials were forced to admit that the whole of the Olympics has been staged by actors in the Arizona desert. "It wasn't just that little girl miming to an uglier girl's voice in the opening ceremony," said Chinese Premier Hu Jintao speaking in front of a green screen in a portakabin in Beijing. "The whole lot has been a fake, from the footstep fireworks of the opening ceremony to the tears of joy of our glorious winning communists. They were really tears of relief at not being sent to the labour camps for re-education with cattle prods and heavy rocks." Many conspiracy theorists said that they thought that som...

As the world absorbs the opening of the Beijing 2008 Olympics, the organisers of the 2012 games in London say that they can easily match anything that the Chinese have so far been able to demonstrate. "Certainly the opening days have impressed many, but they have only had one stabbing in their first twenty-four hours," said Lord Steven Billingsworth from the 2012 committee. "That single stabbing, even in the historic setting of the Drum Tower will be nothing. Our preliminary opening ceremony plans alone have 31 fatal stabbings." Details are still far from being finalised, since there has yet to be a final decision as to whether or not shootings will also be included in the Olympic ceremony. However the organisers plan to take a leaf out of China’s book when it comes to portraying Britain’s foremost position in world history. "There will be a colourful display of synchronised vomiting and the massed ranks of pushchairs being prepared for the ‘Parade of the Teena...

Today the Ministry of Defence denied that any "accommodation" had been made with the notorious al-Mahdi militia which prevented the British Army from supporting the Iraqi and American armies in a recent assault in the Middle East. "We simply agreed that our troops in Afghanistan would not move into the Middle East," explained General Bill Billington-Billingsworth from his office in Whitehall. "We would stay out as long as the Mahdi held position in Alberta and did not threaten our positions in the Western United States or indeed Brazil from their stronghold in North Africa." Everything, said the General, would have been fine until the Iraqi team, frustrated by what they perceived to be a lack of support from General Billington-Billingsworth’s troops, launched an attack into the Middle East from what appeared to be a weak position in India. "It seems that they did this without discussing it with the team from America who had nipped out to get some more...

Formula One’s former superstar today praised his teammate, Heikki Kovalainen after the Finn achieved his first win of the season at last weekend’s Hungarian Grand Prix. "Heikki drove a good race and, in his performance I think I saw a lot of myself from races in my youth, such as last year," said Lewis Hamilton. "Of course it will be interesting to see if he can maintain that level of performance as he matures as a racer into say his third season - which would be next year." Early editions of tomorrow’s newspapers will carry long-lens paparazzi photographs of Heikki’s girlfriend or wife, once the press works out who she is. Hamilton’s comments have echoed the feelings of many journalists from the specialist motor racing press who have toiled for several minutes to revise recent articles on the stellar prospects of Canadian Grand Prix winner Robert Kubica. "I have just dropped an e-mail to my photo editor to get new pictures to go with the article I have just se...