Sunday, May 31, 2009

Reality TV runner-up to split from Britain’s Got Talent semi-finalist in April 2014

In an exclusive interview to all newspapers the nation was shocked to learn that Kimbly and Jake Billingsworth are to split following their torrid 18 month marriage in late 2012.
"We expect that we won’t be able to deal with the come down from trying to jump on the Olympic bandwagon," said Kimbly Smith, 17 from Romford and the future fourth place finisher in Big Brother 12.

Ms Smith, who will meet Jake Billingsworth on the set of Celebrity Kidney Swap 2011, is expecting to be horrified when photos of her to be husband and an unknown lap-dancer hired by their agent are printed in the tabloids over the New Year of 2014. This will, say showbiz friends that the couple have yet to make, be the straw that finally puts an end to a marriage that will appear to have been lived out on the cover of OK! magazine.

"I haven’t met them yet," said seditious television twat Piers Morgan. "However I fully expect that Jake will say he hardly knew the dancer in response to Kimbly’s tear-filled story which has yet to be written by Heat magazine."

Kimberley has said that she expects to struggle with the constant media intrusion into her life, something she never asked for after fame was thrust upon the unsuspecting teenager following successfully becoming a Big Brother housemate after only her third attempt. She will nonetheless bravely try to stay out of the spotlight by only appearing on game shows, as a talking head on TV shows about reality TV shows and launching her own range of perfumes and personalised enema kits.

"The thing that I will want to know, tearfully and maybe whilst in rehab if my career has gone well, is how the paparazzi manage to take those photos of me that upset my Jake so much," said the currently single ,unknown, future fifteen minute wonder. "How do they manage, on the only times I wear a short skirt and no knickers to always get a photo of my fanny? Such as when I will step out of a cab into the Met Bar at exactly 11:30pm on September the 14th 2013? And again at China White’s the next night, but around an hour earlier as I expect I will have a shoot for my pop-video the next day."

Jake Billingsworth is said, by pals to be invented by the 3am Girls, to be holding up well under the strain of realising that he will only be famous for having Kimbly on his arm and is already planning to try to win her back.

"We will have to see how it goes," said Kimbly, "I will always love, Jake isn’t it?, but it will be difficult for us to get over the incident on my 22nd birthday. Which will be when Jake learns that I was in gent’s toilet cubicle with a professional footballer holding my hair to keep it dry - whilst he is doing me from behind."

Monday, May 25, 2009

Sorrow on Tyneside as prestigious retirement home closes

There were complaints yesterday as one of the world’s leading retirement homes closed, forcing many who hope to see out their remaining time to begin making alternative arrangements.

"With Newcastle United now relegated to the Championship, those members of footballing society hoping to pass their remaining years in comfort will have to move on to pastures new," said Jimmy Billingsworth of the Newcastle Chronicle. "Although it is difficult to see where else some of these old boys can have an occasional light stroll in the park and command over £100k per week for doing it."

Inhabitants of "St James’ Retirement Park" have expressed their frustration and dedicated their futures to the one true home prepared to pay them £100k a week for doing sweet FA.

"I really want to stay in the area," said a Mr Barton, who has only been able to spend about 75 minutes outside in the fresh air all year, having recently been transferred from his previous care home of Strangeways prison. "I love the North East and can’t see me wanting to leave to break other player’s legs anywhere else."

Fellow pensioner, Mark Viduka, 87, said that he was dedicated to continuing doing as little in the North East of England as possible: "I have spent a quiet retirement in Middlesbrough and a lovely time doing nothing in Newcastle. I want to live within about a 10 minute drive of work, because I don’t run for much more than that during an actual game."

One of the most high profile residents of the retirement home said that he was exploring other options but is dedicated to using his remaining years to extract the maximum out of Newcastle United’s bankers’ careers.

"I have left other clubs, such as that red one in Liverpool, because I wanted to win the Champion’s League or at least something spelled like it," said Mr Owen, 82, from his Newcastle home, in Cheshire. "I hope I can still fulfil my dream of huge amounts of cash now that Newcastle have qualified for the Championship League."

Well-wishers of the St James’ Park Retirement Home said that it was a sign of the times and were stereotypically stoic about the whole situation.

"It is an absolute disaster for the biggest club in the world, like," sobbed Alan "King Kevin" Keegan Donnelly-McPartlin, dressed like a 6ft tall crying barcode. "But I dinnae see any reason why a few seasons in a lower division should stop us winning the 2010 World Cup or the Winter Olympics, like."

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Sinn Fein MPs swear allegiance to Her Majesty’s Cash

After decades of refusing to acknowledge the legitimacy of the UK in governing Northern Ireland, the political wing of the IRA’s most senior politicians today admitted a deep allegiance to Her Majesty the Queen’s parliamentary expenses system.

"Feck me, that’s a big pile of cash now, to be sure," swore Sinn Fein leader Gerry Adams upon learning that the Daily Telegraph has calculated that 5 Sinn Fein MPs have claimed £500,000 in London second home allowances despite refusing to take up their seats in Parliament. "It would be wrong to say we don’t like the British presence in Northern Ireland. We love all the folding pictures of the Queen that you can put in your wallet!"

The Sinn Fein MPs denied there was any wrong doing claiming that they required the London homes for important business such as not taking up their seats in Parliament, not swearing allegiance to the crown and not voting on matters affecting Northern Ireland. All of which they claimed would be impossible to not do without travelling over to London at the British taxpayer’s expense to not do them.

"Given the choice where would you rather be when not doing your job as an elected representative of the people of Northern Ireland? Belfast or London?," said Shamus O’Billingsworth. "Exactly. You have clearly been to Belfast."

Sinn Fein denied that there was also anything irregular about the size of rents that the MPs had claimed despite evidence that they are over twice the market rate for rental properties in the area.

"You have to understand that in the years that members of Sinn Fein have been not sitting in parliament and not representing their constituents has coincided with several explosions in the London housing market," said O’Billingsworth. "The costs of property has blown the roof off rental prices. Which is why we view these explosive allegations as rather incendiary."

However the controversy over MPs’ second home allowances and expenses claims has led to cross-party calls for reform and Sinn Fein is now leading that charge.

"Whilst we refuse to acknowledge our obligations as MPs in Westminster we fully support the idea of moving the commons to the British Virgin Islands as a means of making the claiming of expenses more efficient," said O’Billingsworth. "But I swear to you we will travel to the new chamber to denounce everyone in it and refuse to take our seats. Unlike the first class seats we would undoubtedly take on the plane over. We would need the extra space to be as non-productive as possible for the people of Northern Ireland that we will continue to not represent."

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