Surreal Scoop

An urgent review is being undertaken into the process for MPs expenses following the news that the Home Secretary, Jacqui Smith, claimed reimbursement for "Additional Features" on her Virgin Media bill that are a euphemism for adult movies. "What could be worse for a feminist Labour politician than to be caught claiming expenses for blue movies?" said a party insider. "One of them is believed to be a video of Mrs Thatcher’s party conference speech of 1980." With the ongoing furore over expenses becoming ever more ardent, Ms Smith is said to feel great relief from fellow cabinet members coming to hand and pledging to stand firm with her. "I, like my fellow MPs, don’t know which pornography we can claim for and which we cannot," said Foreign Secretary David Miliband "This is why we are having a review. The system needs to be more transparent so that we know what the taxpayer will pay on behalf of their upstanding members." Friends say tha...

Reality TV character Jade Goody, who sadly died today, is now poised for an assault on the posthumous tabloid records held by the late Diana, Princess of Wales. As Goody’s team plans her challenge we look at the contenders and talk to the key members of their teams for the upcoming season. Jade Goody "Essex Princess":- The challenger and posthumously titled "Essex Princess" has had a much shorter career than her more established opponent. A meteoric rise to stardom found her representing Essex on the world stage. Having set new standards for the people of the county to aspire to she took the Essex way of life to a whole new market in India. Her widower, Jack Tweed also showed how to bring curfews and ankle tags from the south of East Angular to living rooms the world over. During a short career she has made the pages of Heat and OK! and shelves full of TV magazines her own, but will it be enough? "People criticised our preparation for this fight, saying that ou...

The nation is still trying to absorb the shocking revelation from the Sunday Express that the surviving schoolchildren from the Dunblane massacre in 1996 have grown up into annoying, foul-mouthed, lustful teenagers - just like millions of their peers. "Their web pages, blogs and so on are filled with swearing, stories of drinking and even sex," said Harry Billingsworth former high-profile Donkey Porn star who has recently admitted to being a journalist at Express newspapers. "They are filled with things that you would not want your wife, or your servants, to read." The Sunday Express – the World's Greatest Newspaper set in the 1950s – highlighted how several of the children have not spent every waking moment of the last thirteen years waking screaming from nightmares, pining for lost ones nor writing angst ridden poetry of the loss of their childhood friends. Indeed the newspaper's findings reveal that they are interested in the same things that every other ...

Police are investigating allegations that a fan of Manchester United football club was punched in the face by the manager of Inter Milan, Jose Mourinho, after the Italian club’s Champions’ League defeat. "We can confirm we are investigating an incident involving between a fan and a visiting Portuguese gentleman that occurred in the vicinity of Old Trafford stadium," said a spokesman for Greater Manchester Police. "It is an investigation complicated by the fact that Manchester United fans have been ‘asking for it’ for quite some time." The fan, who has not been identified but allegedly comes from Surrey, or Bristol or some other suburb of Manchester and is said to have supported the Red Devils since football began in 1992. "United are a side likely to attract this level of animosity being the most successful team in the history of football," said Sterling Billingsworth, Sky Sports football historian. "They have won 10 of the 16 top flight titles since ...

The police have launched an investigation into the incident in which green custard was thrown into the face of business secretary, Lord Mandelson. "We are deeply concerned by this incident," said Detective Superintendent Hugh Billingsworth of the Metropolitan Police. "We want to know why only custard? Why not hammers, or a cat that has just been dunked into a bucket of water?" The Metropolitan Police have been making inquiries amongst various pressure groups and known agitators to understand the reasoning behind the attack. "The attack was of a very puerile and unsophisticated nature," said Billingsworth. "I mean what about a slinky made out of razor wire? Or a hot McDonald’s apple pie?" Pressure groups have moved to distance themselves form the green custard attack, allegedly launched by environmental campaigner Leila Deen over the business secretary’s support for a third runaway at Heathrow airport. "I would have gone for an angry badger m...

The age of criminal responsibility in Scotland is to be raised to 12 to bring it into line with other parts of the EU and give Scottish children extra years to improve their criminal behaviour and decide if they have a future in the crime industry. "For too long now the wee scum of Scotland have had their collars felt at the age of 8, thus depriving them of several formative years as apprentice thieves and murderers," said Kenny McBillingsworth of the SNP. "Now they can have a few year’s extra practice looting and mugging before they are jailed for the first time – giving them a chance to develop their skills for later in life." The move has been welcomed by tourism groups, who argue that it would improve Scotland’s culture and image around the world, with a consequential impact on employment in the region. "After a life of cheap cider-fuelled crime and thuggery, the reputation for aggression enjoyed by your average Scotch child is of world renown making them i...