Surreal Scoop

Engineers at CERN have announced that the Large Hadron Collider, the machine set to kill us all, destroy the Earth and, most shockingly of all, ruin the final of Strictly Come Dancing has had a SF40m security update. “Last year we were shut down before we could destroy, I mean start our experiment, by one of our magnets heating up,” explained Professor J. Scott Billingsworth. “Now if a secret agent does attempt at sabotage we will know immediately and a dozen henchmen in orange uniforms will be despatched to resolve the problem.” Many believe that the LHC (which is the English acronym for the machine’s full French title of SKYNET) is capable of generating a black hole which would severely disrupt voting during the X-Factor. SKYNET has been rumoured to be housed at CERN’s underground lair on the Franco-Swiss border with the 27km super-gun circling a huge underground tank containing at least three genetically engineered shark-crocodile-Katie-Price fembots. CERN’s announcement of the new...

Following the discovery of a huge amount of Saxon Gold the Chancellor today announced a plan to move the pound back to being measured against the gold standard and a distribution of revised coinage. This will be a first step in a series of reforms to support hard pressed public finances. “In no way are we saying that the country is broke,” said Mr Darling from his place in the soup line. "However I did see an advert on the telly for one of those companies that buys old gold and thought we could raise a few quid that way.” The Saxon hoard is comprised of thousands of gold coins, which will form the basis of the new currency, as well as some gold ornaments, which will be sent to pawnyourgold.co.uk . “A lot of the finds are 7th century sword fittings,” said Mr Darling as he sipped his steaming rat broth. “So I will be passing these on to Bob Ainsworth to see if he can re-equip the troops fighting in Afghanistan with some more modern gear.” The Chancellor said that the full plans woul...

Following the vote over high-heels, in a further landmark ruling during the Trade Union Congress’s meeting in Liverpool, a motion was passed calling on all female underwear to be made illegal in the workplace. “For too long women have been compelled to wear knickers, and bras, tights and stockings,” said Lorraine Billingsworth, a comfortable shoe wearing delegate at the conference. “Ban these evil, lying items of clothing, since you never look as good in them as the models in the catalogues .” Union officials say that since men who may work in professions such as cabin crew or trade shows are not compelled to wear knickers or bras then they are clearly discriminatory and should be banned. “I think it’s a great idea, sometimes the stewardess uniforms with their short skirts and high-heels must be difficult to spend the day in,” said George, a frequent flyer from Edinburgh and member of the Scottish Health & Safety executive. “If I knew that they were not wearing any knickers I would...

Following the news that guitar band Oasis has split acrimoniously, fans will have been consoled that the remaining songs from Noel Gallagher’s future albums were today released in box-set under the title of “Beatles in Stereo”. “This has been done to give something back to the fans that have supported Oasis over the last 15 years or so,” said pop music expert, Paul Millingsworthy. “The release of Beatles Stereo is saying ‘This is what you would have heard anyway’.” The band has made headlines throughout its history with several members, including the Gallagher brothers themselves, leaving and rejoining at several times and it is not clear if they will reform. “Over the years the Gallagher brothers have behaved increasingly like an unhappy married couple,” said Millingsworthy. “They only really stayed together for the quids.” Much like a divorce, commentators believe the band has now divided up its assets between the parties, with Noel taking the musical, lyrical, vocal and guitar playi...

Enthusiasts for tying children to things were today celebrating another milestone in passive record breaking by arbitrarily young people following the announcement of the country’s youngest “skydiver”. “This really is great news,” said Bill Billingsworth, children binding enthusiast and part time caring parent. “It really shows that there are no limits to what a child can be tied to for the aggrandisement of adult egos.” Tom Hayes, 7, became Britain’s youngest Skydiver when his parents allowed him to be tied to a stranger and flung out of a plane. “This pushes the envelope, previous child tying records of been to inanimate objects at least controlled by responsible family members ,” said Billingsworth. “The minimum age for jumping in the UK is 16 whereas in Slovenia neither the state nor the parents give a shit.” Tom’s sister Lucy was unable to take the record from her brother since she is eight. She had to console herself with being Britain’s youngest female “skydiver”. “Young Lucy sh...

Following news of a Facebook group of some 3000 members where some employees of Currys and PC World call customers “stupid”, it has emerged that there is a customer group of some 60 million members with views on the capability of the employees themselves. “Absolute idiots, worse than trained baboons,” was a comment from several thousand customers of the Aintree branch of PC World. “At least with a baboon you can see the shit it is sending your way before you get the box home and try and plug it in.” “They know bugger all about computers,” continued another comment from two million people in the South East of London who use various Currys branches. “But they can stick anti-virus software and insurance onto your order when you aren’t looking.” DGSi, the parent company of Currys and PC World, has expressed shock at the presence of the Facebook group when news of the activities of former and current employees came to light. “Head office is very upset about the Facebook group,” said Murial ...

The British Prime Minister today affirmed that he would not be dealing with terrorists during an announcement of pursuing a deal with Libya for compensation for IRA terrorism. “I want to be clear that this is not a U-turn, I always intended to keep negotiating whilst not doing any deals,” said the Prime Minister. “At least while the £250,000 box was still in play.” Mr Brown made the announcement after a telephone conversation where his latest poll numbers were revealed to him. “None of my previous changes of direction have been U-turns,” re-iterated the Prime Minister. “After every decision I make the phone rings and based on the number I am told I decide whether or not to continue with my original game-plan. We have done that several times now.” Mr Brown, one of a number of politicians who have taken the 'Walk of Wealth' to Tripoli in recent weeks, denied that there was any link between the pursuit of compensation for victims of terror, the release of terrorists or huge oil an...

The shock waves are reverberating around the world following the announcement that the Parliamentary Private Secretary to the Defence Secretary had resigned citing the strategy being adopted in the war in Afghanistan. Survivors at Westminster, the epicentre of the political explosion, were first to comment. “The resignation of Eric Joyce is a very serious blow to the war office of Gordon Brown,” said Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg. “Joyce was key to assisting the Defence Secretary in assisting the cabinet in assisting the Prime Minister. Key. And what’s more always used to make sure everyone was brought together for leaving presentations and had a slice of cake.” Further afield the news has been received with shock, bewilderment and genuine concern for the future of Britain's role in Afghanistan. “I cannot imagine the Ministry of Defence without Joyce being at the heart of organisation and planning,” said Afghan President Hamid Karzai. “Without her, won't Gordon Brown's...