Surreal Scoop

Conservative leaders across Africa have called for the wildfires in the US state of California to be left to burn uncontrollably as a means of solving the persistent problems affecting the region. “Every year we see the same pictures on television, of homes being destroyed and peoples’ lives ruined by fire,” said Joseph Mebillingsworth a leading political commentator in Ethiopia. “No matter how much money is spent the same thing happens every year.” Many political commentators point to California, and Los Angeles in particular, as having a history of chronic water shortages and wildfires as evidence that the land is unable to sustain the current demands placed on it by ten of millions of immigrants over the last 200 years. “It is clear that the population explosion in California is now unsustainable, forcing people to live close to deadly, dry woodland that can only burst into flames,” said MeBillingsworth. “There are just too many people for the Fire Department of Los Angeles to suppo...

Residents of affluent suburbs the world over were today warned to stay in their homes as middle class areas were consumed by another day of rioting following the news that Ikea had changed its catalogue typeface from Futura to Verdana . “There is carnage everywhere, I can barely bring myself to look and am shuttered in doors shaking,” said Callum Billingsworth, a graphic designer from Camden in London, via Twitter . “Have you seen page 213? They have used red, bold Verdana, for God’s sake.” The same story was repeated the world over. In the Mission area of San Francisco the early morning sun rising across the bay shone on rows of burnt out cars and overturned buses. “It’s worse than the Facebook riots of ’08, and the changed layout,” said one resident who did not wish to be named, since she had not painted her front door to complement her fence. “People were just torching things, and chanting ‘Move this a little bit to the left then!’” In a bid to bring order to a world ripped apart as...

News that Tiger Brewer has, at 8 years old, become the youngest person to be strapped to the wing of a plane has been warmly welcomed by “child-tying-up” enthusiasts around the world. “We are confident that now the sub-ten year old taboo for strapping a child to something has been broken we can perhaps have a crack at the world record for the youngest person to be strapped to a phone box,” said child-tying-up enthusiast, Bill Billingsworth. “Or perhaps strapping them in a car seat using some sort of belt? The exciting possibilities to tie children up to something that is outside of their control anyway are endless.” Tiger Brewer “walked” a total distance of zero feet from his stationary starting position – strapped in a harness in the middle of the wing - watched on by his sisters, Star and Flame. This equals the current best for modern wing walking since the technical variation “Being Strapped To a Plane” replaced the more conventional “Moving About Untethered” that many lay people as...

Fox News shouter, and part time anal surgery enthusiast, Glenn Beck shattered traditional right-wing stereotypes of insularism after announcing that the United States had the finest healthcare in the United States. “Only last year I was complaining about the terrible treatment I received from the shocking healthcare system in this country. When I was paid by CNN,” foamed Mr Beck. “However now that I am paid by Fox I am pleased to say what a turnaround US healthcare has had in just over a year!. Now it is star-spangled banneringly brilliant. The US has the best healthcare system in the country.” Mr Beck, famous for responding to his own contradictions was responding to comments he made in 2008 after undergoing life threatening bum-hole surgery that sadly went wrong. He survived. Controversy has raged across America after a few people suggested that it might be quite a good idea for the richest country in the world to let a few less of its own citizens die by providing a greater access t...

Katie Price’s PR firm, Orange Bandwagon, has announced that the glamour model, known as Jordan, has “so totally, absolutely got that Swine Flu that’s in the papers”. Medical experts are said to be deeply concerned now that the previously harmless Swine Flu virus, having now contracted Katie Price, could mutate into a much more deadly sickness that could sweep through the nation. “Our first analysis would be that symptoms would include the development of huge, unsightly swellings on the chest and the ability to project caustic venom like something out of the film Alien,” said Professor J. Scott Billingsworth. The government said that there was genuine reason to be alarmed as, whilst unlikely to be fatal, the virus could cause people to completely lose all sense of shame. Due to increases in bodily temperature sufferers will also be unable to keep their faces out of a trough of Champagne. Or their vaginas away from fans. Not everyone is fearing the spread of this toxic, vomit-inducing ma...

Remembering footballing legend Sir Bobby Robson, the nation’s newspapers today mark the occasion by reproducing some of their most memorable quotes from his career that they littered with abuse and even accusations of treachery. “’In the name of God, Go!’” was one of our headlines from a few years back,” said Harry Billingsworth, thirsty football hack and Donkey Porn aficionado at The Sun. “That was when Robson was at his best for us journalists.” Pundits were not always so one sided in their treatment of an England manager too much of a gentleman to hit back. Indeed a different approach was taken when England drew with Saudi Arabia. “Both us at the Super-Soaraway Sun and those guys at The Daily Mirror changed our approach significantly after that,” said Billingsworth. “We went with ‘In the name of Allah, Go!”.” Over time the press came to further modify its approach to an England manager that many consider the most successful ever, taking England to a narrow defeat in a Word Cup semi-...