Apple insists “error 53 vital for nation’s security”

The internet is awash with complaints from iPhone users who have had their phone repaired by a local, non-Apple phone shop, and therefore not repaired by a genius in a polo-shirt, to find that the phones refuse to operate - displaying messages such as “error 53”. Apple has released a press statement insisting that the iPhone’s constant checks for component integrity are important to maintain the device’s security, especially for use by secret agents.

“Imagine you were in the Presidential Suite of a five-star hotel in Bangkok and just about to have sex with the stunning Russian woman you met a couple of hours ago in a burning warehouse,” asked Heidi Billingsworth, senior product evangelist at Apple.  “After the passion, you want to know that you can drift off into sleep, not having to worry about those four men that chased your rickshaw in a hail of gunfire.

“With the iPhone constantly checking the integrity of it’s components, you know that the data on the ‘phone is secure, and can disregard that you only managed three confirmed kills in the shoot-out,” Ms Billingsworth added. “You’ll be busy enough when you wake up next to a corpse anyway”

However security experts dismiss the claims, and MI6 itself has released a statement saying that it’s security approach is independent of any design features of Apple devices.

“Well, the thing is there have been a lot of budget cuts, so we don’t use Apple kit now,” said a source that did not wish to be named. “In fact we get all our stuff from a nice Chinese man who runs a stall down at Dartford market.  It’s been a great saving over the years, especially as the Chinese government has been very helpful in supplying backup copies of our documents when we do have IT problems.”

Diane Abbot “I'm getting a bit old for all this sauciness”

One time teenager and previous twenty-something year-old woman, Diane Abbott, is to launch a revolution in sex education that will ensure young people “stop wanting to look at people's bits”.

“For too long now I have come to realise, like many people, that I am getting too old for nakedness to be an everyday thing,” said the MP for Principle on the Righteousness. “So, those younger people, well they should all just stop doing it too.”

Ms Abbott has become concerned with the availability of pornography on the internet, something that has only become an issue in the last 15 or so years, when the teenagers of then have grown up into 30 somethings with families of their own.

“It's obvious that today family values are centred around large inflatable breasts, sex sessions that last at least an hour of continuous pounding involving at least three people simultaneously,” said the MP in her landmark speech. “The number of orifices in use has spiralled too.”

The campaign will focus on new and shocking teenage behaviour, such as communicating raunchy messages to each other – something that was never possible with speech, the land-line telephone or furtive classroom notes.

There will also be a nationwide campaign to get schoolchildren to be nice to each other following the new craze sweeping the nation of calling girls sluts if they are rumoured to have ever seen a real penis.

“15 years ago, before anyone had shown a booby or a thingy on the internet, every school child was nice to one another,” said Ms Abbott. “Since slut-shaming happens online then, clearly, it is the computer that is at fault as no one ever called anyone a slut previously. Apart from Susan Billingsworth during that one school trip, who so definitely did touch that boy's thingy.”

Apple Overjoyed As iPhone 4S Passes Turing Test In Scotland

Boffins at Apple's Cupertino headquarters in California are today said to be overjoyed at the news that the company's latest offering, the iPhone 4S, has managed to respond to human interaction in a manner that users are finding indistinguishable from the response of a real person.

“Apparently our Siri users in Scotland have found that the iPhone 4S has absolutely no idea what they are saying,” an acolyte from Apple Core gestured through a ‘multi-touch’ interpreter. “This is exactly the response any real human would have when trying to interact with a Scotsman.”

The voice operation software in the new 4S has been found to reply only with confusion and bewilderment at suggestions from north of the border. This silicon confusion is the same that any of us would have when confronted by a Scottish user who wants to know the time, what the weather is going to be like or where the lowest priced can of Tennent's Super can be found within staggering distance. And whether the phone has any change for the bus home. It really is for the bus, pal.

“Turing is one of the indicator tests for the progress of technology, if a computer response is indistinguishable from that of a human then the system passes.” gestured the acolyte. “And frankly there is no one alive that knows what the Scottish want.”

However an international committee is said to be studying the results closely, as they believe a crucial criteria of the Turing test may have been overlooked.

“The iPhone behaviour needs to be in response to conversation with a human,” said one Nobel Prize winner. “I am not sure that qualifies just any hominid, regardless of how angry it feels, or how large it’s feeling of victimhood - so we are not sure the Scotch qualify.

“Oh has that thought upset them? That’s predictable. I’m English.”

Internet Explorer Users Are Thick. In Other News Most Banks Still Using IE6

A recent survey of 100,000 web users has found that Internet Explorer users tend to have the lowest IQs of the online community while those using seemingly any alternative, such as Chrome or Firefox are smarter, and no doubt sexier.

“I knew it, I knew it! All along, persevering with Firefox’s long load times and non-standard standards compliant behaviour was the way to go,” claimed technology commentator Mr Bloggy. “Suffering frustration, lost hours with all those broken websites and the breakdown of a relationship was genius after all. Stick that Sandra. Bitch.”

The study found that those who simply used the market leading browser that came with their PC, and consequently most websites are designed to work with as a matter of course, were in fact idiots all along. It was in many ways fortunate that these users had the easiest web surfing experience of all given their low average IQ of 80.

“Whereas those users that used something obscure such as Camino, or trendy such as Safari, obviously had the highest IQ of all, despite suffering the pain of badly rendered pages and malfunctioning plug-ins,” said analyst Callum Billingsworth, 12, from consultancy Walsh Cowell-Hasslehoff.

In general the IQ scores results were quite low, ranging from the 80 to 120, which would seem to indicate that the truly bright rarely navigate the tides of filth and abuse that forms the modern web. Either that or even their powerful intellect had been dulled after several hours surfing donkey porn or just a few minutes playing Farmville.

However sceptics said it was part of a conspiracy to shame users of Internet Explorer version 6 – introduced with Windows XP in 2001 - into upgrading. Such users scored lowest of all on the IQ scale, registering just above “horny chimp”.

“Frankly anyone who hasn’t upgraded from IE6 really is probably some sort of sociopath that you wouldn’t want to be alone with,” said Billingsworth. “But then everything becomes clear when you realise that most banks still use XP and IE6.”

Indestructible Bot-Net To Be Bundled With Future Versions Of Windows

The news of the existence of an indestructible computer system has prompted software giant Microsoft to look to include the TDL bot-net into future versions of Windows as both a time-saving feature for users, but also as a key software distribution platform.

“Basically this bot-net never crashes and has great security,” said Microsoft executive Steve Billingsworth. “So it is already years ahead of Windows.”

The bot-net apparently contains advanced levels of encryption preventing investigators snooping on the traffic between computers upon which it is installed. This contrasts with Microsoft’s Internet Explorer that is surely only one patch away from automatically detailing your credit card details in a full page advert in The Times.

“We are also quite impressed with the ease with which the TDL software can install itself on a computer, silently and with such a small footprint,” said Billingsworth. “No one at Microsoft can understand how they managed to achieve that without at least four reboots and half the available hard disk space.”

However industry analysts have observed that it is unlikely that Microsoft’s quest to formally integrate TDL into the next update to Windows will go unchallenged by the other big online players.

“We are pretty sure that TDL’s purpose is the acquisition of personal data for its creators to sell on at lucrative rates,” said technology analyst Mr Bloggy. “That is basically the mission statement for Facebook – although there the criminal activity is the stupidity of Facebook users.”

Investigators around the world are keen to track down the developers of TDL in the hope of gaining not only a better understanding of the gangs behind the software and what they might be using it for, but also to ask if they could help configure the office printer.

“It is a huge, complicated system that we are at a complete loss as to how it actually works,” said Billingsworth. “Look, it says it is ‘ready’, but then insists on wanting ‘letter’ via the ‘envelope feeder’ – whatever that is.”

Yeah, It Is An Apple, Yeah It Is Cool, The F***ing Piece Of F***ing S***

In coffee shops and libraries all over the world, apart from Britain where there are no libraries, students, writers and posers nod to each other in acknowledgement of their shared experience of using Apple products. But where it was once knowingly being one of the in-crowd, now it is sympathy with a fellow sufferer.

“Yeah, man, the MacBook is cool, it looks good, and everything just works,” said Paul Billingsworth at the British Library before muttering under his breath. “Well apart from managing any files, or backing up to a Windows server. Or typing in text.”

Historically the Apple laptop or as it is more commonly known the 'why put the backslash there you piece of shit' MacBook has been the provision of the graphic designer, someone whose stock-in-trade is form over function. However with the success of other Apple products such as the iPad everyone has a MacBook. And they are starting to annoy us.

“It used to be cool. You'd sit there, with your 'why the hell have the default behaviour of a function key to be something laptop specific piece of shit' MacBook, and tell everyone just how 'everything's so intuitive you only need one mouse button',” explained Billingsworth. “But secretly you'd think 'eventually, once you'd figured out that fn+backspace was delete. For fucks sake.”

While most still agree that the MacBook is by far the neatest piece of laptop hardware with its marvellous looking aluminium case. Its famed battery life is best in class by virtue only of being on tightly controlled hardware of a mid-range spec, despite the price premium.

“Everyone's got one now so everyone knows that the glowing logo on the lid means I paid twice as much as the corresponding Windows laptop for the same spec and that I’m likely to have to bin it if the battery fails to hold charge because I can't replace the fucking thing,” explained Billingsworth. “Oh and you don't have a Home or an End key. It's like an Apple designer has never actually used a laptop for any actual fucking work. Fucking piece of fucking shit.”

Technology pundits say that the so-called 'MacLash' is starting to become apparent because normal computer users have been lured from other Apple products.

“Many people just experiment a little, say an iPad at a party, or maybe they occasionally have an iPod purely for recreational use,” said technology writer Mr Bloggy. “Then they start to get onto the harder stuff, maybe meet up with a hardcore MacBook dealer and then it's a spiral and before they know it they are slumped in despair at home in front of a couple of grands worth of iMac. Apple really screws you up.”

“And if you add a special key – like the command key – why fucking have that as the fucking key you have to press to use standard fucking functions? Why not use one of those fucking control keys they introduced on word-processors about 40 years ago?” shouted Billingsworth in the British Library Cafe. ““And another thing. Finder? What the fucking, fucketty-fuck is that? All you want to do is move a file, but no, no cut option. It's like the 80s never happened.”

“'Everything just works' my arse! Saving a document makes you assume the fuckers at Apple think all you want to do is spray 'New Folders' around like a drunk stationer in a force nine gale,” continued Billingsworth screaming next to the King's Library before adding ”Ooh, is that one of the new Thunderbolt MacBooks? Nice!”

Facebook Offers New Ways For You To Share Your Data – And Better Ways To Hawk You To Global Corporations

Facebook, the massive Internet repository of what you are having for lunch and how many coins you have just won on FarmVille, has launched new “group” functions to ensure that users have more control over the information that they give to Facebook to hawk to the highest bidder.

“It is not our information. It is people's information. We just have this strong philosophical belief in distracting you from what we are actually doing with your data,” said Mark Billingsberg at the launch of the new features. “All of your data belongs to you and sits on our servers to be demographically mined to help massive corporations sell to you.”

The latest groups features enable Facebook users to limit data they share publicly to only those people with they have their most intimate relationships, whether they are friends, family, colleagues or the marketing demographic requests from mobile phone companies.

“With groups we will be able to identify thousands of circles of twenty something males and share them with holiday companies in Ibiza,” said Billingsberg. “And that is what we really mean by sharing control.”

Facebook has long been criticised by users so concerned over their privacy that they have spent hours uploading their most intimate information and photos onto the Internet. And their daily soup choice.

“Facebook needed to take steps, because it is worrying that every time I talk to my friends about the latest Grand Prix all the ads on the site feature racing cars. Oh and I had minestrone today,” commented one Facebook user on a Facebook page complaining about the site’s privacy settings. “Look, it’s happening again. It is like they are monitoring me. The same thing happens to my Gmail messages about Donkey Porn.”

Apple “astonished that people use our wipe-clean surface devices to look at boobies”

Apple's Chief Technology Angel, Steve Jobs was said to have retreated into the company’s Well of Purification when it became apparent that users of iPhones and iPod Touches may be using them to look at naked lady bumps.

“Mr Jobs has retreated to the heart of Apple Core to consult with his acolytes,” said an Apple Evangelist. “He is believed to be using the very restful Pips of Ergonomicity app on his iPad Nano to assimilate the news. Then he will tell us what to think.”

Mr Jobs, and devout Apple followers across the world, were shocked to learn recently that some applications on the Apple App Store were of an adult nature and have therefore been removed, to ensure the purity of the Chosen Devices.

“To be honest, when we developed a hand-held device with a wipe-clean, touch surface, with integrated 3G and Wi-Fi technology that can seamlessly zoom in on webpages, or access streaming video content via the Internet, we never imagined anyone could use it to enlarge anything other than their minds,” said an Apple acolyte. “Who would have thought there were naked ladies, or such suggestive donkeys, on the Internet?”

Apple said that the news that it was possible, if you were discerning and tried long and hard enough, to find saucy content on the Internet using your Apple device has provided the company with an unexpected insight into its customer base.

“Oh my God, do you think that is why all those 20-something men at the iPad launch cheered so much?” said the acolyte, distraught. “Surfing alone, in bed? Gripping our 10 inches in one hand?”

One of the apps that has been removed is called “Broncos Do Dallas” which, to the deep shock of Mr Jobs, turned out was not an American Football simulator. The app allows the user to control the movement of the lead actor’s flanks with a simple flick of the wrist.

“In retrospect we should have checked that upgrade to the Light Sabre app too,” said the acolyte. “We should have been suspicious when it advertised being able to replace the sabre with the user’s own weapon.”

Mr Jobs has yet to release a formal statement on the matter as he now only communicates using Apple’s Multi-Touch Gesture Language and the Well of Purification is famously devoid of Windows.

Google Buzz Offers Millions Another Route To Tell Each Other Their Choice Of Sandwich, “Nom Nom Nom”

Internet giant Google yesterday unveiled the result of billions of dollars of research and development with the launch of Google Buzz, its foray into the social networking world currently dominated by Facebook and into the micro blogging world led by Twitter.

“Google Buzz is a step change, they have all of the technology in their algorithm to pull the status updates that I really need together int …” said Twitter sensation @realpaulirwin in a tweet based interview. “That means the important task of getting a complete picture of the lunch choices of all my friends can be done easily and quickly and someti ...”

Google said that Buzz would leverage the search giant's algorithms to place the targeted content easily within the user's Gmail inbox.

“What your friends are having for lunch will be categorised into Sandwich or Soup and rated using the international standard of tastiness - the number 'noms' they include in the update,” said Google founder Sergey Brin. “We can then help you locate these food choices by offering you a selection of the local eateries who have paid the most to advertise with our new Google Noms add on for Google Maps.”

Facebook indicated that it thought that Google has perhaps erred by integrating Buzz into Google Mail, saying that social networking had moved away from merely being a point to point method of communication of thoughts or ideas or even dreams and aspirations.

“Facebook offers the user the chance to poke or buy each other virtual beer and happily share their entire life history with their nearest and most beloved circle of corporate advertisers,” said a spokesman. “Then, through the experience of taking quizzes and playing on virtual farms, our users can then invite some of their most loved friends to share their own intimate details with enormous corporations.”

For leading online celebrities such as @realpaulirwin, the new service provides another means by which they can keep their close-knit circle of friends up to date with the important events in their life.

“I can send important updates to Twitter, Facebook, Google Buzz, Orkut, MySpace, LiveJournal and many others all at once and with Buzz they c …” said @realPaulIrwin. “I can update my best 13732 friends with every new gem I get on my WOW Quest of Anskabar & let everyone know when my job sucks or snow is col ...”

Twitter, the micro-blogging service for people who find traditional blogs cumbersome and boring, responded that status messages themselves were becoming a turn-off to users who were struggling to wade through all 140 characters of some of the more epic tweets. The new service will be called “PunkTweet” and is aimed at those who only wish to communicate via punctuation marks.

For the aid of readers the complete “PunkTweet” press release is reproduced below :-

“ :-) <3 “

Another group interested in the opportunities offered by Google Buzz are those advertisers whose market relies on access to the intimate details of our lives from social networks, such as which prison we are on the run from or who we are bullying today.

“Today the consumer suffers from information overload so it's important for advertisers like us to make sure that we get a complete picture of the user. We can then focus our targeted adverts to ensure that our product choices match their aspirations for their ‘life journey’,” said a source. “But despite all that we still only ever show everyone the same adverts for weight-loss and debt consolidation.”

Apple Unveils Another Technological Breakthrough With New Compact “iPad Nano”

Apple has moved to once again take the portable consumer communications industry by storm with its latest product launch. The company has announced a product that aims to make the well tested and hugely popular touchscreen technology of the iPad, so familiar in trains, airports and Starbucks across the world, readily accessible and even more portable.

“We all know that the iPad has revolutionised our smug, coffee shop web surfing habits. Now we want to make it easier for our polo-necked customers to have a superior air about them wherever they may be,” said Apple CEO Steve Jobs making the multi-touch salute ‘ZoomOut’ - the sign of the Apple Cult. “Whilst everyone has become so used to the iPad, many people just want a bit more convenience, and so I give you the iPad Nano.”

To the background of cheers and choreographed multi-touch ‘ZoomIn’ gestures, Mr Jobs unveiled the smaller, more compact iPad Nano at the exclusive mountain-top retreat known as ‘Apple Core’.

“The iPad Nano condenses the web-surfing, video and music playing capabilities of the iPad into a form factor that you can hold in your hand, or even in your pocket,” said the Apple High-Priest to a round of applause. “Rest assured your favourite applications can all be downloaded just as before, but now the hilarious drinking lager app looks like you are having a swift half, not a whole bucket!”

Apple said that it was responding to rumours of criticism of the iPad: that it was bulky to carry around and its large and unwieldy display led to a battery life of a mere 10 hours.

“Apparently some of the brethren have expressed displeasure to my acolytes that the device is so large even though it has no keyboard, and that its size makes the Chosen Tablet cumbersome to take to places to be seen in,” said Mr Jobs through an interpreter as he continued his presentation purely in the multi-touch gesture language. “We find this difficult to believe, not least because the people who made these complaints have disappeared.”

The iPad Nano boasts impressive specifications. It is half the height of the full size iPad, at 4.5 inches, and a third of the width, at 2.4 inches. Also revealed at Apple Core was that the multi-touch gesture for “disappear” is to slide one’s finger across one’s throat.

“The iPad Nano is a truly revolutionary device, and will come with additional features,” gestured Mr Jobs as he ascended upwards. “There will be a version that not only has 3G capability but also includes the functionality to make telephone calls.”

Following the unease with which the Chosen Tablet’s name was received by the public, especially among women, the iPad Nano 3G will be sold under the name ‘iPhone’.

Apple's Steve Jobs Regrets Asking Dom Joly To Design His New "3rd Category" Device

As the 25th anniversary passes we try to remember life before the Sinclair C5

A quarter of a century may not seem like a long time, but like the mobile phone, or the internet, it is difficult to imagine exactly how we lived before our towns were filled with the distinctive whine of straining electric motors or the hillsides strewn with panting red-faced drivers that so characterise the environment in the post-C5 era.

25 years ago this week the streets of the UK, and the world, were completely free of Sinclair C5s. Pavements outside coffee shops, libraries and intensive-care units at hospitals were not lined with rows of scattered and crushed electric tricycles, plugged into pay-as-you-go electricity points.

“It really is one of those inventions, where you think ‘How did we get by before it?’ and wonder why hadn't it been invented sooner?,” said Professor J. Scott Billlingsworth. “Being below tyre height with a juggernaut and having even less protection than a bicycle makes you feel so alive. Albeit briefly.”

Research has shown that most people, not just those born in the last quarter of a century - the so-called “C5ers” - cannot remember a time without Sinclair's ubiquitous marketing slogan “You never feel as popular as when you wake up with a crowd around you.”

Professor Billingsworth has studied the effect that the C5 has had on our culture, behaviour and the industries that have sprung up around it.

“You probably don’t remember when all drive-through take away places had the speakers and counters at stomach height? Now, because of the C5 they are all at knee height. Yet few people understand why,” said the Professor.

Professor Billingsworth’s research has documented testimonies from ten of thousands of people recalling their experiences with the C5 and how it has changed their lives.

“People tell us how they were liberated by the freedom the C5 allowed them,” said Billingsworth. “A freedom to explore anywhere within a 10 mile radius. As long as the weather is good, and there is no traffic. And the road is very flat.”

In our C5-centric society it is also difficult to remember a time before drive-in cinemas where young, panting couples can park near each other and recover from the exertion of overcoming the ramp into the car park. Wearing only their winter thermals and duffel coats they happily spend a romantic evening shouting sweet nothings through scarves and earmuffs across the gap between vehicles.

“We all have our own stories - of couples whose batteries run out 3 miles from home on dark, deserted lanes,” mused Billingsworth. “Who doesn’t remember the first time they had sex in a C5?”

Minority Extremist Anti-Islamist Facebook Group Raises Profile Of Minority Extremist Islamist Group

A Facebook group set-up to raise the profile of Islamic extremists was today celebrating its success as all news outlets continued to report extensively about the previously little known Islam4UK group who wish to bring Sharia Law and the joys of the middle-ages to Britain.

“We are really pleased that we have been able to get them as much publicity as we have,” said Paul Billingsworth, the creator of the Facebook group that helped rally publicity for the Muslim extremists. “Our 800,000 members ensured that we got Islam4UK all over the newspapers and enabled the spread of hatred further and wider then would otherwise be possible.”

The Facebook group entitled “More publicity for minority extremist groups that want to overthrow free speech” had been highlighted by the media as a key indicator of opinion for those members who wish to suppress the opinions of people who wish to suppress people’s opinions. Indeed so successful was it in shouting its opinion over others that the government was considering submitting to the carefully considered views of hundreds of thousands of bored people snowed in next to an Internet connection.

“We have been all over the news for the last week. We wanted to raise awareness that this group doesn't want people to say things that they don't agree with, to hold beliefs that they don't agree with,” said Billingsworth. “Something our 800,000 members have a lot in common with.”

The group said it was a mixed blessing that the Islamist group, whose desire is to impose upon Britain a middle-aged culture of oppression, had decided not to hold its proposed march through the streets of Wootton Bassett – a town that has become the de-facto centre for honouring soldiers killed in service of their country.

“Well the cancellation is a landmark moment for all minority attention seeking oppression groups like ourselves,” said Billingsworth. “But we have created a powerful movement. now we need to see what other cornerstones of British life we can stifle.”

Mr Billingsworth said that he is considering setting up a Facebook group calling for a vote of “no-confidence” in any government that bases policy on Facebook groups.

Internet user’s time “more valuable than mayfly’s”

A survey reveals that the average Internet user considers their time to be more valuable than an astronaut, a world leader or Simon Cowell based upon their tolerance of inconvenience.

“If a website takes longer to load than I take to blink then it is wasting my time,” said Julian Billingsworth, an experienced web surfer. “My time is precious since I only have 8 hours a day to spend on the Internet.”

Even the trivial problem of receiving free spam e-mail is enough to render an Internet surfer apoplectic with rage.

“My Spam filter gets most of it, but occasionally I have to click on an e-mail and mark it is as junk. That’s maybe twice a day, taking at least 0.5s,” said Billingsworth, the veins beginning to protrude from his temples. “Over the course of a year that might amount to two whole minutes – or an entire session watching youporn.com.”

As the growth of social networking escalates users are investing huge amounts of time in making the commercial products of massive corporations a success, time they are loath to waste.

“My twitter feed is important to me,” says Billingsworth, getting more irate with each question on the survey. “I don’t want adverts, or repeated tweets, clouding my view of what a celeb is having for lunch or how bored people are at work. I need to be able to RT, and reply LOL to the most noteworthy hashtags right NOW, not in 5 fucking seconds time.”

The 10 question survey known as “Are you more impatient than a 4 year old?” is the most detailed every conducted on Internet users in the 21st century. However, the results are said to be inconclusive since thousands of respondents answered the last 7 questions with only the repeated phrase “FAIL”.

To continue reading this article, and prevent further wasted time, please validate your existence using the TrueTwat validation service.

Customer group retaliates and brands Currys employees as "bunch of useless retards"

Following news of a Facebook group of some 3000 members where some employees of Currys and PC World call customers “stupid”, it has emerged that there is a customer group of some 60 million members with views on the capability of the employees themselves.

“Absolute idiots, worse than trained baboons,” was a comment from several thousand customers of the Aintree branch of PC World. “At least with a baboon you can see the shit it is sending your way before you get the box home and try and plug it in.”

“They know bugger all about computers,” continued another comment from two million people in the South East of London who use various Currys branches. “But they can stick anti-virus software and insurance onto your order when you aren’t looking.”

DGSi, the parent company of Currys and PC World, has expressed shock at the presence of the Facebook group when news of the activities of former and current employees came to light.

“Head office is very upset about the Facebook group,” said Murial Billingsworth, customer relations for DSGi. “We were amazed that we ever employed anyone who had ever actually used that interweb thing! We are going to have to locate these people and promote them. Some of them clearly understand that you don’t shout into a mouse, which they don’t learn from us until they reach management level.”

Other comments from the 60 million strong PC World customer dissatisfaction group include:-

• A visitor to Cardiff’s camera section commented: “When I asked which gave the better panoramic views: Fuji, Olympus or Pentax the woman said she had never heard of Mount Pentax.”
• A visitor to the Taunton Business Centre said “I asked one salesman what his recommended backup solution was and he said that his car had parking sensors.”
• Another customer from East Kilbride was told that she “could free up hard disk space if her documents contained less Bold typefaces.”
• One male assistant in Norwich said he was unable to assist with WiFi problems since he was not married.

As the online row continues a further group has been set up for trained baboons angry at being compared to employees of PC World.

Everyone in Britain to be turned into hate-filled, venom-spitting imbeciles by 2012

The government’s newly announced policy to ensure every home in the UK has access to broadband Internet services will hasten the day when the entire country is filled with screaming morons hell bent on abusing each other and themselves into frothy-mouthed oblivion.

"Britain already has a large number of abusive web-surfers that lead the world in swearing content creation," said Culture Secretary Andy Burnham in his statement to the commons. "We need an infrastructure capable of preparing Britain to compete with the multi-phobic insanity that will increasingly be served up by the international Internet community. How else can everything be blamed on the gays?"

The government is concerned that, whilst Britain’s online community can hold its own in the all-out self-abuse stakes, the future will be about spreading conspiracies by online video generation. This is an area in which the paranoia-fuelled xenophobia of US Internet users currently excels.

"We need lots of bandwidth, Britons should not be waiting to upload some badly researched movie to YouTube to tell the world that everything is under the control of Mossad. We all know there is nothing worse than having your porn suddenly pause mid-stream whilst you are right in the middle of the chimp impression." Mr Burnham told MPs.

The government also said that as the credit-crunch bites in the coming years the UK economy will increasingly become dependent upon buying and selling online as much as traditional economics.

"Without a world-leading digital infrastructure Britons risk have their bids "sniped" on Ebay with mere seconds to go," said the Culture Secretary. "For an economy based upon used dressing-gowns, ALF alarm clocks and Farrah Fawcettt posters, bandwidth will be vital to secure the next 10 pack of Whiskers cat food for the childrens’ lunches."

David Cameron, an innovative technology adopter who reaches out to the online electorate through his Webcameron video journals, disagreed that the government’s proposals amounted to anything new.

"Brown is a totally lame looser," the leader of the opposition wrote in his blog on conservatives.com. "FAIL!!!11! What a gay sweaty-sock fucktard."

REVIEW : Writer tries out new voice recognition software oh lovely, two sugars please

After several months reviewing voice recognition software as a productivity that was Lady Ga Ga and Just Dance, next up we have aid the results have been mixed at best. Indeed this review is being dictated using Take it Down Ultimate Edition from Billingsware.

Can you turn the radio down love? I am trying to write the review. Now where was I?

Computer operations, such as starting programs and minimising windows are straightforward enough although it can be surprisingly cumbersome to use the phrase "minimise Word" when a simple mouse click will suffice. Bugger Word’s gone now, maximise Word.

Care must be taken with accents although the software does have a "native" setting that appears to be Geordie. This means that you can get access to the Start Menu with "Haweh", open Internet Explorer by saying "porn" and send a file to the recycle bin by shouting "shite".

Our experience of voice recognition software has been generally good, although even after many months of "training" it can still suffer from confusion over homophones. This can result inn recognised text being scattered with watt appears two be spelling or grammatical errors requiring extensive manual editing get down Tiddles, I’ll feed you in a minute, which somewhat reduces its efficiency as a tool.

However it is undeniably cool to have the words simply pop-up on the screen as you let the flow of conscious mess conscience ideas simply take there their own path to the page and it definitely frees the mind to really focus on the subject at hand god her mother really is fat.

For best operation use only in silent environments – you may have problems in a crowded office.

Most of the software on the market can be configured for sound levels, dictation speeds and can have "safety words" added so that the recording can be stopped immediately. Care must be taken to avoid the chosen word being uttered by mistake.

Below is an extensive explanation 35 point how-to for optimising the configuration. Sorry for the length but we think the detail will help users get the most out of the software.

1 – Changing the safety word to fruitbat

Thousands queue for latest Apple breakthrough – the iDiet

News that Apple founder Steve Jobs has lost a large amount of weight in a short period of time has prompted, rather than quelled, speculation within the Apple community. Thousands of customers have posted on Internet forums and Twitter that there may be more big announcements to come.

"I hope it is the iDiet. There were a lot of rumours about it at the last MacWorld," said Geraldine Billingsworthski from San Fransisco. "I have been waiting for this for years. I need to get down to about 300lbs and an Apple iDiet would be the best on the market."

Speculation is rife at the last Macworld, this year, that Job’s gaunt and thin appearance at last year’s Macworld, was due to a new breakthrough.

"It is clear that Apple have been working on something big, and this talk of the iDiet is something that many Apple geeks are getting steamed up about," sweated technology commentator Mr Bloggy as he ordered a pizza on his iPhone. "And we know the success Apple has had with making things smaller, just look at the iQueue."

There has been talk that the iDiet will include all of the features of the market leader, Weight Watchers, with the portability of the Slimfast series of protein shakes. But costing at least £250 more.

However commentators are pointing to the recent announcement that in fact Steve Jobs is suffering from a hormone imbalance and that many people desperate for the iDiet may be better off buying a real apple for lunch.

"If it is a hormone imbalance, then perhaps the iDiet contains iGender transformation functionality," gibbered Miss Billingsworthski. "I would be up for that, although standing to pee seems like hard work."

However Gartner’s latest forecasts say that if anything the publicity will boost Apple’s presence and probably lead to a short-term increase in it’s stock price, just like the iGimmick did. Gartner says Apple’s fundamentalist fans are even speculating about Steve Job’s non-appearance at Macworld

"The latest buzz is that we won’t see Steve at Macworld because the iDiet includes iNvisible technology," said Mr Bloggy. "Although I think talk of the iGender is madness, I clearly want to see the iNvisible when it appears."

Breakthrough device to help disinterested parents launched

A new device has been launched to help busy parents look after their children who refuse to "sit down and shut the fuck up" until they are old enough to drive their parents home from the pub. The device, developed by Matthews Parenting, has borrowed technology from the pole-dancing industry and is claimed to be a one-size fits all solution to the eternal problem of being interrupted with homework questions during X-Factor.

"I developed the 'Climbié Pole' after I realised that my young son was just pissing me off during 'I'm a Celebrity' and not yet being ten wasn't old enough for me to send out alone to the off-licence," explained entrepreneur Karen Billingsworth of Matthews Parenting.

The device is in the form of a large metal stake that can be fixed into the earth of a back garden or, more likely, bolted to the concrete of a betting shop car park. The child can then be safely chained to the pole and left to its own devices.

"We use only the finest grade metals, just like the railings outside our Tony's offender's centre before they disappeared," said Billingsworth. "The poles are guaranteed to last at least 15 years, which is longer than most of our customers' kids."

The devices come in several sizes ranging down to the Baby P-ole for those little bastards that constantly want a biscuit during 'Jeremy Kyle'.

"Following extensive market research into our customer base, we recommend the full size model which has enough capacity to chain up all of your bairns at once," said Ms Billingsworth. "For the more affluent bad parent we also have the collapsible ‘Algarve’ model, which is a travel pole for holidaymakers who absolutely don't want to be disturbed whilst eating tapas."

For the discerning parent who wants to know if the 'Climbié Pole' is not just another fad that will divert hard pressed benefit money from cans of Stella Artois, the company emphasises that the device has been certified by Haringey Social Services.

Are Sat-Nav systems starting to behave like their celebrity voices?

With the prolific adoption of in-car satellite navigation systems that offer more and more functionality, many owners are customising theirs using celebrity voices in place of the normal mid-Atlantic sounding female voice. Reports from motorists are now starting to be collated and reveal a worrying trend that the systems are taking on the characteristic behaviour of the celebrities they sound like.

"Initially we received reports about the Mr T voiced Sat-Navs." said Austin Billingsworth of the RAC. "Several people have said that when they try to program them for journeys to an airport the devices refuse to plan a route and instead only respond with ‘I ain't gittin' on no plane, fool!’"

Initially thought to be a mohawk-wearing celebrity problem, the RAC has also received hundreds of reports from all over the country from people who use a variety of celebrity voices to spice up long journeys.

"Several users have reported that updating their systems to use the voice of George Michael has left any journey through London causing the system to become horribly confused around the area of Hampstead Heath," said Mr Billingsworth.

The RAC says that other drivers in London have reported that David Pleat voiced Sat-Navs repeatedly urge the motorist to slow down if they attempt to travel over 5mph in red-light districts.

"Many people still prefer a female voice giving them instructions," said Billingsworth. "But those that have installed Gillian Taylforth find that they are constantly being directed to roadside lay-bys for frequent rests, and that they should perhaps undo their trousers to be more comfortable."

Motoring organisations have stated that drivers should be wary of any unexpected commands from James Dean Sat-Navs and young women should be extremely wary of receiving a lift from anyone whose device is voiced by Edward Kennedy.