General Gordon Brown today rallied the troops of the British economy with a stirring battle cry certain to revitalise morale after the unexpected news that the British Expenditory Force had not seen a recovery in the nation’s fortune.
“It is clear that, possibly, we can see that there may be indications of a shadow of a partial recovery by the end of this year,” thundered Gordon in one of history’s greatest leadership speeches. “Certainly early next year, if not perhaps shortly thereafter.”
General Gordon was responding to recent news of the reversals in performance of our chief economic allies, France and Germany, who have seen their prospects improve by securing victories in the battle against malevolent recessionary forces.
“Under my leadership I have put in place a structure to support anyone in Britain wishing to amass a small fortune,” said General Gordon. “They simply start with a large one.”
General Gordon said that it was vital that everyone understood that they had their role to play in the latest push forward to secure success on the international business battlefield.
“It would be suicidal to put recovery of my poll numbers at risk by suddenly cutting off the logistical flow of your cash when what we need is another big push,” said General Gordon. “I am solemnly prepared to sacrifice just a few more millions of your jobs, or billions of your pounds to send us over the top.”
The General also took time to respond to allegations that a further set-back might lead to a spiral of failure and reduction in morale that it would be impossible to recover from.
“There is now no danger of suffering a second Great Depression,” said General Gordon. “The yellow pills really are quite marvellous.”
The General, through another commanding oratory, reminded us that last year he had succeeded in saving the world and re-iterated that all that was needed to secure Britain’s future was one more valiant charge.
“As I stand here on, or very nearly close to, the edge of a decisive change in fortune, with the people of Great Britain standing determinedly behind me,” he implored in his trademark crescendo of rapture. “All I need is one more push and it will all be over by Christmas.”
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