Surreal Scoop

Serially rubbish soothsayer Pastor Harold Camping today predicted yet another date for the coming of the Rapture. It will now definitely arrive in October, giving believers plenty of time to send in their cheques and postal orders. “God, in his infinite compassion, would want to spare humanity 5 months of panic and suffering,” said ministry spokesman Pastor Harold Billingsworth. “So instead our ministry will fill His role, and spread fear across the world. But we can’t do it without your help, so remember to keep sending donations.” Many believers have been left bewildered and poverty stricken after spending their life savings following Pastor Harold Camping’s third prediction for the imminent end of the world being announced as 21st May, 2011. The Pastor was quick to re-assure his followers that his ministry would still be there for them. “If you assumed salvation on Saturday and thus have spent all your savings, don’t worry, I am sure God will help you get your old job back. Or a sec...

Slave rebellion leader, Spartacus, today attempted to quell rumours that he was the latest celebrity figure to have taken out a super-injunction preventing certain details of his life from being openly discussed. “I have nether had a Super-Injunction, nor have I ever had an affair with Gabby Logan,” said the leader of the Third Servile War on his Twitter account. “And it was a Roman trying to seduce Tony Curtis, not me.” Spartacus is the latest celebrity to be caught up in the Super-Injunction controversy, in which high-profile figures who make lavish livings out of complimentary publicity decide that only nice things should ever be written about them in newspapers. “Being a historical figure living over two thousand years ago, and living over seventeen hundred miles away in what you would now call South Western Bulgaria I am, of course a huge Manchester United fan,” said the former gladiator. “But I have never met Ryan Giggs and have no idea whether he like snails or oysters.” The reb...

The world's most high-profile expert on child neglect today welcomed the confirmation that the Prime Minister has instructed the Metropolitan Police to investigate the case of toddler Madeleine McCann, abducted when she was 3 years old. “We need to go over those tragic events four years ago in Praia da Luz,” said an insider. “Only then will we know what really happened after her parents neglected little Maddie.” Kate and Gerry McCann yesterday conducted a whirlwind round of press conferences and TV talk show appearances to promote their book on the events following their abandonment of their three small children in a holiday in Portugal. The book is a fund-raiser to continue the search and the promotion includes serialisation with The Sun, which has made so much money itself out of Maddie’s disappearance. “The Sun is right behind the McCann's, we have been serialising extracts from Kate's book, but not the bits about us publishing stories such as Maddie 'died in holiday...

With the news of the fatal wounding of crazed, terror leader “Colonel” Nick Clegg by a referendum result to the left eye, the power-brokers of the LibDem tyranny are jostling for appointment as the next self-serving bastard desperately grasping for power. “The news is that Clegg seems to have been taken out by the Conservative Intelligence Agency in a sting operation that lasted a year,” said an insider. “With Colonel Clegg losing his grasp on power, others are clamouring to follow him and self-appoint themselves to the role of Deputy Prime Minister." It has emerged that Conservative leader, Dave “I agree with stitching-up Nick” Cameron watched the conclusion of the operation from the Situation Room in Conservative Campaign Headquarters via a live satellite link. “Last May, after painstaking work to somehow get myself into power, I determined that we had enough intelligence to take action,” said the Prime Minister, “It was far from certain, and it took many months to be absolutely...

Today we all face the information overload: the constant bombardment from television, the internet, with emails and instant messaging filled with the lives of the Saints. This blinding highlight as to exactly why we are all going to hell. Not a day goes by for any of us in our sinful lives: whether we be bankers asking St Matthew for guidance on inflation, aircraft designers consulting with St Bona as to the coefficient of friction of air at -15C or drunk bus drivers asking St Christopher if the zebra crossing is clear, we all take direct guidance from the Saints. So with a new Saint to be taught to Catholic school children waiting to learn about far off planets and dinosaurs (which clearly don't exist) here are the all important stages to the imminent creation of St Pope John Paul II the Great:- Death :- The candidate must have been dead for 5 years. Or at least appear to be dead. Pope John Paul II couldn't resign and was wheeled out in an increasingly frail state when any com...