Credit Rating companies completely oblivious to their irrelevance continue to issue press releases

Fitch Ratings tried desperately today to get someone to pay attention to them and their incompetent industry by downgrading another prominent country despite worldwide acceptance that credit rating agencies are as effectual as saying “no” to a priest.

“We have to say that we are putting the UK economy on negative watch, do you hear, negative watch. That's important that is,” said Glenn Billingsworth, Head of Alphabet at Fitch to a well attended gathering at the Derby Girl-Guides and Brownies cake sale. “I know the cupcakes do look lovely, but can you just listen – we might move the UK from AAA to AA+! Do you here AA+?”

Mr Billingsworth said Fitch was joining in with the other ratings agencies in seeking an audience after being rendered utterly meaningless having failed to spot the AAA rated subprime bond collapse. Similarly Standard and Poor's issued 1000 leaflets at last weekend's St. Luke's church fete in Formby explaining its analysis of the 2011 downgrade of the United States. Moody's said they were watching the market intently and are collecting 10p coins in case they need to make use of the Bexley Library photocopier prior to speaking at the Welling United Bring-and-Buy sale.

After Mr Billingsworth's presentation, and the local parents had finished buying cakes, there was time for a question and answer session:-

Sophie (Brownie 7) : “AA+, does that mean Britain is very good?”

GB : “Yes, it does. Very good indeed. Just not quite as good as AAA. If you have an AAA credit rating you are safe to invest in, AA+ you are still safe, but, well, not quite as safe as AAA which is the safest of all.”

Louise (Head Guide, 17) : “So has the UK ever not paid back a debt?”

GB : “No, never. But, erm, well it might sort of not pay back something, but of course it will pay it back as we still think it is AA+”

Katie (Guide, 15) : “So what is the point of changing the rating?”

GB: “Well it's very complicated in the world of financial instruments. I am not sure we have the background knowledge here in this lovely, lovely hall to fully cover the intricacies of sovereign debt. But the chance of us downgrading the rating is the important bit, that you should tell your mums and dads about. Negative Watch is the phrase, shall we say it together?”

Mary (Brownie, 6) : “But for years didn't you insist that your subprime Collateralised Debt Obligations were AAA rating even though, for example, the Credit Suisse issue ended up losing investors $125m?”

GB: “Sorry little girl, I can't hear you over that vacuum cleaner. Is that the time already? I really should be going.”

Bank Of England To Treat Banks As Banks Treat Customers

The Bank of England is to consider a bold approach of treating the High Street banks in the same manner as they treat their customers, by instigating charges on the money a bank holds with the central bank.

“I went into my bank the other day to try to work out what to do with my savings that had mysteriously dropped to paying, basically, fuck all percent interest,” said deputy governor Paul Billingsworth. “I decided to move some money about, then the rob-dogs started going on about charging to write cheques. I thought, 'right, lets do the fuckers right over'.”

The statement was part of the evidence that Mr Billingsworth gave to the Treasury Committee regarding consideration for instigating negative interest rates.

“Basically we will charge them for holding their money with us, see how they like that,” he said. “When they want to hold less, well I might just charge them for making the withdrawal. Seems only fair.”

The banking industry reacted angrily to the news and said the action would have severe repercussions on the British economy.

“Negative interest rates will affect key areas of society, namely bank profits and those profits are needed to pay the bonuses that ensure Britain has the finest banking talent retiring at the age of 45,” said a spokesman. “Anyway it's not the Bank of England's money, it's ours, you can't charge us to get at our own money. Oh, I see what you are doing there.”

In other news High Street banks said that savings accounts will now pay zero or less interest and a royalty fee will be levied on anyone using the phrase bank, banker or synonyms such as “thieving, incompetent git”

Next King of Scotland declares the country will use the Air Miles as its currency

Scotland's new King in waiting, Alex of Salmond, today refuted claims that he is making up policy on the spot. He also denied that he was making a desperate bid to secure his coronation before grown-up Scots sober up and realise life probably isn't all England's fault after all and hastily reverse their plan to allow children to vote.

“I have been entirely clear and consistent when I said all along that Scotland would be an independent nation in Europe and use the Euro as its currency,” said King Alex from what will one day be his palace in Holyrood. “Sterling is a fully convertible currency and hence I can convert my plan from the Euro by just saying it differently.”

Alex “King” Salmond said that perhaps any confusion had arisen by journalists who might have used Siri and its triumph with regards to understanding the Scots.

“I think you'll agree that Scotland is as close to Europe as Scandinavia and since Vikings came over to Britain many years ago I can convert our economic community to forming ties with Norway just by saying it will be so. Fully convertible you see,” he said from his office. “Now I have just checked Thomas Cook's website and it seems the Canadian Dollar is looking quite strong at the moment So, there you go we will convert to Canadian Dollars.”

Mr Salmond then re-launched the revised policy stressing that people had misheard him talking about Scandinavia and he had all along been stressing Scotia communities.

“Clearly Scotland has a proud and steadfast community in Nova Scotia and independent Scotland will form a lasting trading alliance with the New Scottish. Hence it makes sense for us nationalists to convert to a ‘loonie’ based economy.”

Mr Salmond was pressed as to whether or not he thought it important that Scotland's central bank would now be over three thousand miles away in Ottawa but said that this was clearly in line with his policy.

“I have checked and that would probably take a lot of transatlantic flights to ensure Scotland's voice was fairly heard in Bytown,” said the man to be possibly Scotland's last First Minister. “Therefore I plan to convert Scotland's currency to air miles, since without the rest of the UK we are miles from bloody anywhere useful.”

Society Declares Everything Is Now Free

A new era has finally dawned, we are now living the “Star Trek” future were there is no need for money, people just enjoy their hobbies and food appears out of nowhere. These are the findings of a weeklong study from groups of field researchers taking in England’s most significant cities. And Manchester.

“Money is now a thing of the past,” said behavioural scientist Professor J. Scott Billingsworth. “Everything is available on-demand and money serves now only to be received, not spent. For example I received £25 for these trainers that I demanded from a terrified man in Ealing.”

The researchers found that 2011 had seen the realisation of a future previously only imagined by science-fiction writers such as Gene Roddenberry or H.G. Wells. Now at last are huge tracts of society that find no need for money and spend time pursuing knowledge – such as Stellar Cartography , expressing themselves creatively – such as writing plays exploring the human condition, or getting bonged out of its mind and setting fire to Carpet Right – such as 8 packs of Stella Artois and some firelighters knicked from the Co-op

“Previously most people have only been able to take part in this new free society via the Internet. We have been free for years simply taking music, or movies etc without the burden of paying for them. But technology had not progressed to where my material desires could be so easily realised in the physical world,” explained Professor Billingsworth. “Then, last Monday, we discovered I was able to ‘hack’ the window of Currys with a brick. Suddenly everything was free. Now I can watch Eamonn Holmes in HD. ”

Professor Billingsworth said that it was early days yet to see how the new economy will function now that everything is free. Critics have complained that someone must work to make things, whether physical or not, and that this new model may ultimately be unsustainable if the people making things aren’t paid for their efforts.

“Well, I don’t know how they aren’t making money out of trainers, I mean I did. If they don’t like making trainers they can try something else. Now I have an HD TV I’d quite like a new Blu-Ray player, so they could make me one of those instead,” said the Professor. “Although they’ll need to build me a new outlet first, since I burned the previous shop down when I left.”

Standard & Poor rates US As 100% More Likely To Default Than Yesterday

Americans are today coming to terms with expert economists’ declaration that their economy and way of life is under pressure. This will come as a shock to the average man on the rubble strewn streets of Detroit rummaging for food in the bins of houses being sold for $100.

“Previously we had the United States rated as ‘Never, Ever, Going to Default’ but after a late night meeting at Harry’s Bar we have taken the drastic step of downgrading,” said Ben Billingsworth, 12, Lead Analyst at Standard & Poor. “Now we classify the US as ‘Never Going to Default’.”

The new assessment indicates that the US, which has hitherto been considered to have a 0% chance of defaulting, will in future have that risk raised by 100% to zero percent. The new rating was revealed in a press-release from S&P’s New York office entitled ‘We Are Not Moody’s Bitch.”

“We all knew that the government was going to be able to sort out the debt ceiling and they did that with no direct revenue increases,” said Billingsworth. “Obviously we on Wall Street are all big fans of tax hikes and when there were none last week we had to search for something else for free publicity.”

The American Dream may now amount to no more than a late night, embarrassed, laundering of bedsheets, but it doesn’t stop hard-working Joe Six-Packs from trying to restart their lives.

“Well it is a wake up call, knowing that America has only an AA+ credit rating is a real eye-opener,” said one Michigan mortgage broker pretending to have a new career in the Donkey Porn industry. “Now the US has a lower rating than Standard & Poor gave the sub-prime mortgages that started all this mess!”

President Obama has yet to comment as he braces for the next inevitable plunge in his popularity, however several people from Crawford, Texas were apparently rush to hospital with split sides.

Investors are now left to assess the detail of S&P’s analysis. The beer soaked cocktail napkin now grades lending to the US as carrying the same risk as lending to South Korea - a country still at war with its starving nuclear armed neighbour to the North.

In other news, S&P raised to AAA its assessment of shares in a new live musical touring company which will feature Elvis and Michael Jackson, supported by Amy Winehouse.

Manager Of World’s Biggest Factory Visits Britain And Promises To Buy More Stuff Made In His Factory

China’s Premier, Wen Jiabao, continued his British visit and promised that he would take measures to increase trade between Britain and China, in particular he offered to whip the Chinese into a frenzy to buy something, anything, British.

“Oh yes, very much so, several shall be whipped until they are pleading with us to let them buy a British car, say a thousand,” said Mr Wen. “That would be a thousand being whipped to buy one car, say the red one over there.”

China, soon to become the leading economy in the world, is thought to be sitting on cash reserves of $3trillion that it wants to diversify and use as investment.

“We have lots of dollars, lots, and Blue Jeans, we make them, like we make everything else,” said the Premier on a tour of Stratford-Upon-Avon. “We don’t have a ‘birthplace of Shakespeare’ though - yet - how much is it?”

With workers in western economies increasingly under pressure from cheap off-shore labour, the Chinese are said to be very keen on encouraging a business model similar to that of the newly re-launched MG car manufacturer.

“Ah yes, under British Leyland you had very expensive local communists that made bad cars,” said Mr Wen. “Now for MG we have very cheap Chinese communists that make anything you tell them how to do. The only striking in my country is done by the back of the supervisors’ hands.”

Mr Wen was introduced to some British shopkeepers as the historic town sweltered under high summer temperatures.

“He is the manager of the factory were everything I sell is made isn’t he? He seemed very nice,” said haberdasher Herbert Billingsworth. “He said that it was very good to see me sweating in my shop, it reminded him of home.”

Mr Wen was quizzed by reporters on the subject of human rights, a subject many in the west are keen to turn a blind-eye to as long as they can still get a great TV for £500. However Mr Wen said that it was important that China and the UK work closely together to ensure a common understanding of basic freedoms.

“In particular I was asked about child labour, and I think that yes, Britain should definitely have as much as possible, ” said the Chinese Premier. “It saves parents a fortune at Christmas as their children don’t want to take their work home with them.”

Turkeys In Iceland Vote Against Christmas Shock

News that the people of Iceland had voted 'No' in the referendum asking if they should pay back money to investors has been met by clamours from millions of British children who want to move to the mid-Atlantic island.

“Daddy said that the people of Iceland did not have to follow rules and stuff. They don't have to take out rubbish or tidy their rooms or anything but they still get all their pocket money,” said Mary, aged 11. “I bet they also get to stay up late and eat just donut icing for their tea. It's probably why the country is called Iceland.”

The demand from British children to move to Iceland came after the Icelandic government, led by the sloped-shouldered Prime Minister Jóhanna Sigurðardóttir, decided not to fulfil their international commitments. Since people might shout at them they decided to pass the buck onto the people who pay them to make such decisions on their behalf.

“It is complicated to pay squillions and squillions back, since if we did it we'd probably have to raise taxes and this would mean less sweets for the children of Iceland, which is all we eat of course,” said Ms Sigurðardóttir, 9, from her bouncy castle in Reykjavík North. “It has nothing at all to do with me then being voted out of office for making other Icelandic children sad you baddies.”

The leader of the ruling Teflon Party said that it had considered all available options in terms of fulfilling its international obligations but the sums were very hard indeed. Instead they asked all of the other Icelandic children over 18 to vote on whether they would like to do something unpleasant or not.

“We discussed whether we could make a tent and hide under our duvets, or perhaps all phone up Britain and say we have funny tummies,” said the Prime Minister. “We were as shocked as anyone at the result of the referendum question 'Should we pay back money to Britain and Holland who are just being mean, horrible bullies?' So there!”

The UK treasury said that it was going to pursue every avenue possible to reclaim the €4bn that it felt it was owed.

“If they won't pay back money owed then clearly no one is going to be lending them more money in the future. This might not be a good long-term position for them to be in, given their country is essentially a volcano covered in dead fish and seal poo,” said Chancellor George Osborne, 12, from his Whitehall rumpus room. “But most importantly I shall be raising the important issue at the next meeting of the world's Finance Ministers, that Iceland’s Minister, Billings Billingssen smells and has a small willy.”

Archbishop Urges Learning A 400 Year Old Reboot Of An Iron Age Story And Then Prostitute Daughters To Pay Off Credit Cards

The Archbishop of Canterbury has urged the people of Britain to rediscover the original “story of the universe” as told in the King James Bible in their bid to understand their place in society. This, he says, will enable them to put their own lives into a wider perspective and to apply some old solutions to modern day problems.

“You may feel there's only one big story and that's about money and whether I have got a job tomorrow and whether my children can afford higher education,” explained the Archbishop. “But it is easy enough to send your sons to university, simply read Exodus 21:7 and sell your daughter into slavery to pay the tuition fees.”

The archbishop said that the bible provides other tools for helping families struggling with the harsh economic and employment times.

“Many people are struggling to pay their debts, and they are faced with banks and bailiffs attempting eviction or to remove their property,” explained the Archbishop. “Whilst the exact ratio of forced sex to repayment is a matter of some ecclesiastical debate, Genesis 19:8 provides a clear solution to the man with at least two daughters. Simply let the debt collectors rape them.”

The archbishop said that there are other areas in which the church and the Bible should be taken seriously as it is as relevant today as it was when man was slowly mastering iron as a tool and believed that the Earth was the centre of the universe.

“The government is wrestling with its spending commitments but once again the Bible can provide guidance, such as all that expense that the NHS incurs with childbirth.” said Dr Rowan Williams. “For example the NHS budget can be easily reduced by following Genesis 3:16 and prohibiting women from any pain relief during childbirth. They are unclean then anyway as the clear medical guidance of Leviticus 15:22 explains. So they probably should not have expensive doctors touching them either.”

In other budgetary matters the Archbishop said that the welfare cutbacks proposed by the coalition government were also in line with God’s teaching.

“I don’t think cutting Child Benefit and so on is going far enough, children, like all men should be put to work,” said Dr Williams. “After all does 2 Thessalonians 3:10 not say that he who shall not work shall not eat? Although I am working, of course I am, now did you know the Church can claim Gift Aid for this advice?”

Dr Williams said that leaving economics aside, the Bible was incredibly relevant to today’s modern societal and family structures.

“The story of the messiah gives us great insight into a family that may have broken up, or one with a parent keen to push a child forward in our celebrity obsessed culture,” said Dr Williams. “After all his absent father only finally acknowledged Jesus as his son once he was famous.”

Demonstrators In Dublin Ask “Why Is 2010 Unique On The International Begging Front?”

Thousands of people are marching through the streets of Dublin asking why after 37 years of handouts the government has decided that this year is the time to reign in spending.

“What’s the craic with all this talk of balancing the books, and spending only what we earn?” asked Patrick O’Billingsworth. “We have been getting a couple of billion a year from the EU all my life – what is so different now?”

Many protestors see the current situation as just an extension of three decades of Dublin policy by begging for a few extra billion Euro.

“Looks like our number’s are finally up, on the Eurobillions draw! Ah, to be sure, we’re the loveable Irish so everyone is happy to pay for us,” said O’Billingsworth. “If they know what is good for them.”

Despite the so-called “Celtic Tiger” boom being brought to an abrupt halt when Ronan Keating announced he was moving to Dubai. The government in Dublin was only forced into action after years of running huge deficits by the realisation that Terry Wogan really has retired.

“Ireland here is the victim, always, now what was the question?” explained Taoiseach Brian Cowen. “The people of Ireland have to understand that an economy based upon dancing without moving your arms is unsustainable. Now, give us your focking money!”

However it is felt by most that the Irish gravy train has finally hit the buffers and that it is up to the people of Ireland themselves to resolve the current crisis.

“Perhaps we Irish do need to live within our means. I am proud to have been born in Ireland and it is still the greatest place to live in the world,” said O’Billingsworth, from his regular stool in a Liverpool pub. “I’d live there myself if I wasn’t a victim of something or other. Can you lend us a couple of quid for another Guinness? Give us your focking money!”

It is to the millions of Irish patriots that have lived all their lives in the UK and America that the country may now turn to restart it’s failing economy.

“Tourism is one answer, since everyone loves the Irish. Don’t you! We are the victims here, remember,” said Mr Cowen TD. “We have a promotional campaign at foreign international airports offering Dublin for a fiver. You can own the city of Cork for another Euro if you bring your family.”

The current Irish government is under increasing pressure after having its majority reduced in the Dail to two, following the loss of the Donegal SW constituency to Sinn Fein.

“This is a clear statement that Ireland’s economy is looking to Sinn Fein for financial expertise,” said a masked activist at the count. “We will raise the revenue required by being able to draw on latent reserves in kidnapping, extortion and world-class knee-capping.”

Royal Navy To Be Redeployed To Defend The Serpentine

Following the Strategic Defence and Security Review that identified cyber-terrorism as one of the key threats facing the country in the twenty-first century it has been announced that the remaining Royal Navy ship will be moved to patrol the key waterway of the boating lake in Hyde Park.

“We feel this has many advantages for both the country and the Navy in maintaining operational effectiveness,” said Rear Admiral Horatio Billingsworth. “Myself and the remaining sailor can save on tube fares by sharing a flat near the Admiralty.”

Billingsworth would not comment if the new austerity measures would extend to diplomatic trips abroad and include room sharing with the Foreign Secretary.

The Royal Navy has emphasised that as part of the move, full operational effectiveness of the central London carrier will be achieved by re-equipping with a combination of air-sea helicopters and attack pedalos.

“The reduction of the surface fleet to a single ship based at an artificial lake in central London may look like an extreme measure,” explained the Rear Admiral. “However it will be bolstered by the submarine fleet that will continue to provide a vital nuclear deterrent by being beached at key locations around the British Isles.”

To further support the reduced Navy’s effectiveness, the designs for the new replacement carriers will be amended to provide capability for landing planes from foreign air forces.

“The need to accommodate American planes on the carrier will require us to install the latest in combined burger and donut outlets and a wider carrier deck,” said Billingsworth. “For French joint strike fighter landings there will be a state-of-the-art ship-board brothel.”

Whilst the changes to carrier design and deployment were seen as a drastic change to the operational readiness of the Royal Navy, plans are in place to increase its capacity when new funding becomes available.

“We think that the upturn in funding may be no more than a year away,” said Rear Admiral Billingsworth. “Only this morning I received an email from a former government minister in Nigeria wanting to move money to the UK.”

Architects demonstrate faith in the strength of their buildings by hiring Sir Fred Goodwin

Edinburgh based architects RMJM have announced an ambitious plan to demonstrate to the world the strength of their designs by hiring failed banker Sir Fred “pisstake” Goodwin. Sir Fred rose to fame in 2008 when he successfully overturned established business practice by having neither any banking qualifications nor having to take responsibility for his company’s failed strategy.

“RMJM is a leading architectural practice with a proven track record for innovative structures and spaces that will stand the test of time,” said spokesman Morrison McBillingsworth. “To prove this, we have hired a man who brought a 300 year old bank crashing down in less than a decade.”

Sir Fred has been out of work for over a year after leaving the Royal Bank of Scotland in such a hurry that he could smell the flaming torches that the chasing mob of irate shareholders were carrying. It was as CEO at RBS that he oversaw the effective collapse and nationalisation of one of the world’s leading banks.

“I want to show people that having no relevant qualifications need not hold you back from having a lavishly paid job in any given field,” said Sir Fred in between bouts of laughter. “I hope I can once again show that being an uncertified amateur in a profession can gain me another lovely, lovely, lovely pension.”

Architects RMJM said whilst the appointment may surprise many it was something that both parties had been moving towards for some time, and the nature of Sir Fred’s responsibilities would become apparent in the future.

“We're very impressed with him and he's impressed with us and the rationale for appointing him will become clear going forward," said Mr McBillingsworth. “As a proven wrecker we plan to use him in our demolition department.”

Britain's Incompetency Rating in danger of decline – say RBS board members

The board of banking basket case the Royal Bank of Scotland today warned that Britain risked a drop in it's international incompetency rating if they were not allowed to pay a huge amount of money to people who had failed at their jobs.

“RBS leads the nation, and thus helps Britain sit at the international top table, of incompetency,” said Stephen “Incompetent” Hester. “If we aren't allowed to remunerate RBS talent at the market rate by rewarding them for forcing RBS out of the market then we risk losing this level of incompetency to the nation.”

The world reacted in horror to the news that the entire board of RBS has threatened to resign if they are not able to pay the bonuses they believed their staff had earned by ruining a 300 year old bank in less than a decade. The leaders of major economies struggling to recover from the recession have implored the British government to “just give them what they want” for fear that these elite businessmen might leave Britain.

“You mean they might come to Paris? But I didn’t mean it when I told the City that we were in charge now,” exclaimed President Sarkozy. “But France, she is just starting to recover, she can’t hope to cope with people of this calibre in her financial system,” he sobbed.

“I am owed this money, it was written into my contract that every 6 months I would be paid an obscene amount if I managed to multiply two made up numbers together to be greater than another number that has no meaning,” said Henry “malcontent” Billingsworth. “I blame someone else. If someone else had written into my objectives that I ‘shouldn't take the entire bank roughly up the arse' then I wouldn't have fucked it into next week – It's a scandal. I could have got another £1m for not doing so.”

The views of RBS have been supported by the board of Lloyds Bank who are insistent that there is a genuine need to retain top level talent and that people of the calibre and track record of City bankers cannot easily be replaced if the local Ladbrokes betting shop is closed on Wednesday afternoons.

“These City traders, you know, are not like brain surgeons, or vets or people with legal degrees that require decades of training and experience,” said a former Donkey Porn movie star now forced into the degrading world of banking. “An investment banker is a special person, a loud bloke with even louder braces whose job has the same science to it as a drunk playing roulette. Sometimes everything turns red and he loses his ridiculous stripy shirt. Which you and me then have to pay for.”

The news that RBS's board is stuffed with bigger tits than Jordan's Christmas jumper is the latest in a series of cases of people demanding huge sums of money for being shit at their jobs. The man ultimately responsible for screwing RBS into the ground, Sir Fred “incontinent” Goodwin, was unavailable for comment. Sources indicate that he may ask for further financial compensation following his hasty departure as his laundry bill has also been of city bonus proportions having spent the last year pissing himself laughing.

General Gordon : “British economy will be back by Christmas”

General Gordon Brown today rallied the troops of the British economy with a stirring battle cry certain to revitalise morale after the unexpected news that the British Expenditory Force had not seen a recovery in the nation’s fortune.

“It is clear that, possibly, we can see that there may be indications of a shadow of a partial recovery by the end of this year,” thundered Gordon in one of history’s greatest leadership speeches. “Certainly early next year, if not perhaps shortly thereafter.”

General Gordon was responding to recent news of the reversals in performance of our chief economic allies, France and Germany, who have seen their prospects improve by securing victories in the battle against malevolent recessionary forces.

“Under my leadership I have put in place a structure to support anyone in Britain wishing to amass a small fortune,” said General Gordon. “They simply start with a large one.”

General Gordon said that it was vital that everyone understood that they had their role to play in the latest push forward to secure success on the international business battlefield.

“It would be suicidal to put recovery of my poll numbers at risk by suddenly cutting off the logistical flow of your cash when what we need is another big push,” said General Gordon. “I am solemnly prepared to sacrifice just a few more millions of your jobs, or billions of your pounds to send us over the top.”

The General also took time to respond to allegations that a further set-back might lead to a spiral of failure and reduction in morale that it would be impossible to recover from.

“There is now no danger of suffering a second Great Depression,” said General Gordon. “The yellow pills really are quite marvellous.”

The General, through another commanding oratory, reminded us that last year he had succeeded in saving the world and re-iterated that all that was needed to secure Britain’s future was one more valiant charge.

“As I stand here on, or very nearly close to, the edge of a decisive change in fortune, with the people of Great Britain standing determinedly behind me,” he implored in his trademark crescendo of rapture. “All I need is one more push and it will all be over by Christmas.”

Britain to revert back to the Gold Standard and to using Anglo-Saxon coins

Following the discovery of a huge amount of Saxon Gold the Chancellor today announced a plan to move the pound back to being measured against the gold standard and a distribution of revised coinage. This will be a first step in a series of reforms to support hard pressed public finances.

“In no way are we saying that the country is broke,” said Mr Darling from his place in the soup line. "However I did see an advert on the telly for one of those companies that buys old gold and thought we could raise a few quid that way.”

The Saxon hoard is comprised of thousands of gold coins, which will form the basis of the new currency, as well as some gold ornaments, which will be sent to pawnyourgold.co.uk.

“A lot of the finds are 7th century sword fittings,” said Mr Darling as he sipped his steaming rat broth. “So I will be passing these on to Bob Ainsworth to see if he can re-equip the troops fighting in Afghanistan with some more modern gear.”

The Chancellor said that the full plans would be unveiled once the Prime Minister had returned from his voyage across the Atlantic – his galleon is due to return in a couple of months – mutinies allowing.

“We have everything under control. The current call-centre based economy - in which we all just sell each other insurance - will have to change," said Mr Darling. “The future will be a gleaming age of mud and prostitution. I suggest you all find yourselves a goat since they can be used in either trade.”

The Chancellor refuted claims that a couple of thousand coins would be insufficient upon which to base the economy, saying that this was just the first phase.

“Clearly only the very top of society will be able to amass enough goats, whores, or goat-whores to acquire a gold coin,” he said. “But you will still be able to tell someone’s status if the host at a dinner party serves his guests with brand name, rather than Tesco’s own brand, dog food.”

Docklands Light Railway to introduce new Business Class Section aimed at Goldman Sachs employees

London's Docklands Light Railway service is to introduce new premium sections in the hope of attracting more affluent travellers to coincide with the increase in capacity being offered by the planned “three car” project.

“The economy is improving. I think. I mean what with Goldman Sachs staff getting some £3bn in pay and bonuses,” said Jack Billingsworth, spokesman for Docklands Light Railway. “These city types getting on at Bank want to travel in comfort on the long-haul 30 minute run as far as Island Gardens – we don't expect any will travel south of the river on the new City Twat Express.”

The new business service will be introduced at the start of 2010 to occupy the new third carriage being added to the DLR trains.

“The clientèle will be young city bankers keen to spunk their bonuses on anything that makes them look successful, or at least like a smug bastard,” said Billingsworth. “The new seats will costs £4,500 return, which we believe compares very well with the comparable twat service from London to New York”

However many people have criticised the new business class as an inefficient use of space on a service that has seen great demand as the Docklands area has grown over the last two decades.

“That was then. Now, aside from Goldman living it high on all the bank bailouts, no one else can afford to top up their Oyster cards,” said Billingsworth. “The way the redundancies are going three carriages might be two too many. We might be able to put full double-beds into the other carriages.”

Docklands Light Railway confirmed that they are to offer a sleeper service on the 24 minute Bank to City Airport service, but denied it was to be called the “Inter-City Quickie.”

Sinn Fein MPs swear allegiance to Her Majesty’s Cash

After decades of refusing to acknowledge the legitimacy of the UK in governing Northern Ireland, the political wing of the IRA’s most senior politicians today admitted a deep allegiance to Her Majesty the Queen’s parliamentary expenses system.

"Feck me, that’s a big pile of cash now, to be sure," swore Sinn Fein leader Gerry Adams upon learning that the Daily Telegraph has calculated that 5 Sinn Fein MPs have claimed £500,000 in London second home allowances despite refusing to take up their seats in Parliament. "It would be wrong to say we don’t like the British presence in Northern Ireland. We love all the folding pictures of the Queen that you can put in your wallet!"

The Sinn Fein MPs denied there was any wrong doing claiming that they required the London homes for important business such as not taking up their seats in Parliament, not swearing allegiance to the crown and not voting on matters affecting Northern Ireland. All of which they claimed would be impossible to not do without travelling over to London at the British taxpayer’s expense to not do them.

"Given the choice where would you rather be when not doing your job as an elected representative of the people of Northern Ireland? Belfast or London?," said Shamus O’Billingsworth. "Exactly. You have clearly been to Belfast."

Sinn Fein denied that there was also anything irregular about the size of rents that the MPs had claimed despite evidence that they are over twice the market rate for rental properties in the area.

"You have to understand that in the years that members of Sinn Fein have been not sitting in parliament and not representing their constituents has coincided with several explosions in the London housing market," said O’Billingsworth. "The costs of property has blown the roof off rental prices. Which is why we view these explosive allegations as rather incendiary."

However the controversy over MPs’ second home allowances and expenses claims has led to cross-party calls for reform and Sinn Fein is now leading that charge.

"Whilst we refuse to acknowledge our obligations as MPs in Westminster we fully support the idea of moving the commons to the British Virgin Islands as a means of making the claiming of expenses more efficient," said O’Billingsworth. "But I swear to you we will travel to the new chamber to denounce everyone in it and refuse to take our seats. Unlike the first class seats we would undoubtedly take on the plane over. We would need the extra space to be as non-productive as possible for the people of Northern Ireland that we will continue to not represent."

Sir Fred Goodwin furious his £16m piss-take has been made public

Friends and former colleagues of pin-stripe pirate Sir Fred "Frankly" Goodwin said today that the incompetent banker was furious that details of his £16m pension fund had been leaked into the public domain.

"Fred is livid, absolutely livid, that his enormous piss-take has been revealed to the public," said a friend. "He had hoped that it would be announced sometime around the new financial year. It is terrible to deprive a pensioner of the fun of this year’s April Fool’s day and taking the piss out of the British public."

Sir Fred complained that the details of his £650,000 a year pension, for life, from the bank in the worst shape of all due to the policies he was responsible for do not take into account how the pension fund has built up over the years.

"My pension has not really changed since the original piss-take I started in 1998 when I joined the group. That is a decade of taking the piss at RBS," said cash enthusiast Sir Fred. "Nor does it take into account my previous piss-taking employment before I pretended to know anything about banking.

"Who is really taking the piss? Me, or the people who failed to notice the impact that my taking early retirement would have on pre-existing pension arrangements, that already took the piss? Oh, me. Well they should have guessed when I nearly pissed myself laughing," joked the ruinous bank CEO with no banking experience or qualifications. "Ha, nearly pissed myself again! Well I am a pensioner now!"

Sir Fred was adamant that he should not forgo any of his pension after having already given up several piss-taking opportunities when conceding significant gestures towards the British taxpayer as they bailed him out with tens of billions of pounds to save RBS from his incompetence.

"All those piss-taking gestures I made seem to be overlooked," said Sir Fred as he gave a taxpayer shop assistant the finger. "For some reason they didn’t give me my 12 month notice period. Running RBS with the taxpayer as an underwriter would have been the biggest piss-take of all."

Sir Fred said that he would not let the utter humiliation of having masterminded the biggest collapse of a bank, the recording of the largest loss in British corporate history and having achieved a nationalisation programme that even Lenin would have been impressed with affect his attitude to business.

"You could call this rewarding failure. Staggeringly incompetent failure," laughed Sir Fred making obscenely large gestures to taxpayers out of his limousine window. "But I vow to keep living, to draw from my £16m piss-taking pension pot until no taxpayer has a pot to piss in."

Government to raise new bail-out funding from Somali Pirates

The government tonight announced a new plan to raise extra bail-out money without further burdening hard pressed taxpayers. The news came in response to requests from the financial services and car manufacturing industries for additional finance to shield them from the free-market capitalism that they no longer wish to take part in, once it transpired that they were rubbish at it.

"We have sunk billions of taxpayer’s gold into the banks, and now need help to break their blockade on lending, Hence we need an infusion of cash from people who have no trouble raising money, Somali Pirates," said the Chancellor of the Exchequer in a statement to the Commons. "This arrangement will reduce the burden on the taxpayer and improve the integrity and ethics of the financial system."

Mr Darling was quizzed by MPs whether it was prudent to do business with an untrustworthy group, driven by their own greed who had a disregard for the rule of law, and responded that he had realised it wasn’t and it was time to stop doing business with bankers.

"We have spent many years sailing in shark infested waters," said Alistair Darling MP. "Therefore it is time to leave the City and head for the safer seas of the Gulf of Aden. Unlike a banker, a Somali pirate may not wear a pin-stripe suit, but at least he has a good grasp of not only an AK-47 but how is own business model actually works."

A pirate leader, Shamun Billingsworthbur, said at a press conference that he was pleased to be doing business with the treasury and joked that his ancestors had a long relationship with Her Majesty’s Government.

"Many, many years ago, my forefather’s business was almost in ruin, due to the hard work and diligence of the Royal Navy on the Pirate Round," he said through his shoulder-based interpreter, Polly. "Generations later, how fitting it is that you should seek out the help of the cut-throats of the seas to rescue your economies now that the Pin-Striped Pirates have all your booty. However, I may be a murderous, condemned scourge, who has murdered the family members I have not sold, but I will not work with Andy Hornby. Even I have standards."

Bank maps out new bonus structure for bank project to review bank bonus structure

Bosses at Lloyds TSB responded to criticism of their intention to pay staff bonuses, following the announcement that the group has lost nearly £11bn, by announcing a comprehensive review focussing on staff remuneration.

"We have instigated a high priority project, Project Trough, which will outline a new pay scheme for our bank-staff, rewarding only those that have really screwed the maximum out of each customer," said Sir Leonard Billingsworth, CFO of Lloyds Banking Group. "I mean really screwed them. It is important we hold onto those people. When the project completes there will be big bonuses for all involved. Really huge ones if it should complete even remotely on-time!"

The wide ranging project will be structured to ensure that shareholders in the bank can clearly see exactly how salaries and bonuses are distributed.
"Right at the heart of Project Trough will be several 'Pay Investigation Groups' composed of staff from all levels," explained Billingsworth. "Our customers, who are also taxpayers that have been compelled to become shareholders in our incompetence, will see from the P.I.Gs sticking their noses right into the heart of the Trough exactly what they have got for their money."

Whilst the new project has met with appreciation from politicians of all persuasions who see it as focussing the spotlight of public scrutiny onto the pay of the banking community they are not sure it will work for everyone working in the public sector.

"Certainly bankers have squandered huge amounts of taxpayer's money and have a bonus system to fall back on," said a Labour peer. "There are hundreds of people that have wasted even more enormous sums who are not as fortunate. We in the Lords have to make do with creative use of the expenses scheme and the bulging envelopes we receive from lobbyists for helping to shape the nation's laws. So we welcome the bankers being the subject of this distraction of public scrutiny."

Man with woeful credit record successfully obtains £100bn mortgage despite the Credit Crunch

A man from Westminster with an extremely poor credit record successfully secured a mortgage despite the tight credit restrictions imposed by the high-street lenders. The man who has only lived in his current residence for about 18 months was able to secure the loan with the help of some 30 million guarantors.

"To be honest I expected it to be harder," explained Alistair Darling. "But in the end all I had to do was put up the nation’s schools and hospitals as collateral. They are now mortgaged to the hilt."

Mr Darling said that the £100bn would be given to the high street lenders so that they could lend it back to his guarantors, and to stave off the threat of unemployment.

"It’s bad enough having a Jock as a neighbour," said the MP for Edinburgh Southwest. "I am not going back to being a back bench MP. I can’t understand a word my constituents say."

There have been questions about how a scheme based upon charging people to borrow their own money would work. Mr Darling dismissed the criticisms as the proposals have been thoroughly vetted by Zimbabwe based accountants MC Escher.

"It’s like that thing about going back in time and killing your grandfather," said the Chancellor. "Basically I borrow from Peter to give to the Bank of Paul to lend to Peter. As Peter pays it back to the Bank of Paul it is paid back to me and in theory puts Peter back into credit. Or something, have you got a question on sport?"

Asked what would happen if the people receiving the loans from the banks that received the loans from the people borrowing the money fail to pay the money back, the Chancellor was overcome with a blank look.

"Bugger me, it hurts my head to think about it, so I try not to," he said after a lie down. "Apparently if Peter fails to pay the Bank of Paul back, then the Bank of Paul goes into debit against Peter as well. Peter then must foreclose on the Bank of Paul and absorb Peter’s debts as his own – which they are and are not. I imagine he will just turn up at his own home with a couple of mates take his own telly and beat the shit out of himself."

Peter from Doncaster disagreed. "It is more likely is that I will turn up in Downing Street with some flaming torches and a hate-filled mob," he said. "I am about a week away from having to eat cold dog food. And Sainsbury’s own brand at that."