Monday, November 16, 2009

The Sun celebrates 800 years of world leading news

The Sun newspaper, famous throughout the known world for its journalistic integrity with hard-hitting daily news ensuring that the people of Britain are kept up to date with any change in the state of the breasts of 22 year old stunners, is today celebrating what feels like centuries of peddling shit. Everyday this week the Sun will re-print key editions wot it has printed.

Today King John threw away our God-given right to his divine rule by signing the Runnymede treaty without a referendum! This so-called “Magna Carta” will now allow non-blue blooded mere commoners from other counties be able to influence the right of your king to subjugate you! They call it “Baron rights” we call it “Awful Albion”.

Tuesday – from 31/01/1606 “PHEW, WHAT A TORTURE!”
'Elf and Safety do-gooders today executed Guy “Guido” Fawkes for his part in an attempt to arrange a free fireworks display in Westminster on 5th November last year. “The little kiddies from the Catholic School would so loved to have seen the mighty bonfire at the Palace of Westminster” said one disappointed local resident. Disappointed tots were in tears as they returned to work as prostitutes and pick-pockets that evening. It's political correctness gone mad!

Wednesday – from 1/11/1642 “IT WAS THE SUN WOT WON IT”
Three cheers for your Super-Soaraway Sun wot won the battle at Ayelsbury ensuring Parliament's supremacy over the law of the land. Our stirring editorial. re-iterating our support for the rights enshrined in the Magna Carta, helped our boys on the pikes skewer the Royalists’ men. Want another ROUND? on your HEADs be it!

Thursday – from 26/07/1643 “PARLIAMENT'S LOST IT”
As the dust settles on the Battle of Bristol we announce that The Sun is behind the toffs who can take Britain into the 18th century and rescue Awful Albion from the clutches of the tyrant Cromwell. The King's wife looked gorgeous at last night's premier of a new staging of the stratford Bard's masterpiece ‘Much ado about nothing’ but what a frocking display from Mrs Cromwell who is clearly no sun bunny as she fled from our heroic troops. No time to top up the puriTAN dear?

Friday – from 21/10/1805 “GOTCHA!”
Nelson defeats the French at Trafalgar, capturing their flagship the ‘Bucentaure’ but suffers a fatal wound from a sniper due to a lack of helicopter support. Put pen to parchment and sign The Sun’s petition to ensure that penny-pinching bureaucrats provide our historically significant admirals with the futuristic equipment we dream they should have.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

absolutly brillian!!

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