Surreal Scoop

There were mixed reactions across the United States of America to the news that Michel Platini had been elected as the new President of UEFA. In bars and truck stops across the land the talk was all about the implications for Europe, relations with the US and the future of the Middle East. "Well its good to see them using their new democratic powers that we gave them," commented Kurt Billingsworthski, a trucker from Ohio. "Having a Frenchman in charge, though, well that just turns them further against us." Indeed, this was a sentiment echoed by Fox News, which led with "Europe votes for surrender – Frenchman elected as President!" in its evening broadcast. "This is further evidence of a weakness at the heart of Old Europe further turning its back on the United States." added political firebrand commentator Bill O’Reilly. President Bush said that he welcomed the show of democracy within Europe, but warned "We must continue this fight on all f...

Confused consumer Beth Billingsworth is campaigning for a greater understanding of "normal" people in society. "I first started to suspect something a couple of months ago when I picked up a mobile phone in the shop and was able to look at its styling and understand its features completely. The product display said it was stunning yet I was in now way deprived of consciousness by looking at the phone. In another shop I looked at a computer, and whilst I thought that the features were very good for a model at its price point I was in no way overwhelmed with either surprise or wonder. In fact if anything I felt quite assured that Moore’s Law was in fact still pertinent some forty years after he proposed it." Beth was perplexed and felt there must be something wrong with her. "The advertising industry spends millions each year on TV advertising that states quite clearly that not only will we all make an emotional connection with some product or service, but that w...

"It is another wonderful achievement for New Labour," claimed Ruth Kelly, Communities Secretary. "We have managed to achieve what many people have thought impossible, a genuine consensus across all faiths. It is an historic milestone" Ms Kelly was speaking after the Church of England backed the Catholic Church in its desire to continue discrimination against gay people in response to new legislation banning the withholding of services based on sexual orientation. "Isn't it wonderful? We also know that Muslim groups don't want to have to print leaflets or let facilities to people who are good with colours either." The gay community, whilst wanting to do all the things heterosexual people do but without having arguments over the position of the toilet seat, announced it had plans to capitalise on this unique position and launch a new role as peace broker throughout the world. "Essentially, no matter whether they are black, white, Christian, Musl...

Yesterday, in the House of Commons, Tony Blair announced proposals for government legislation to ban catchphrase humour, a “blight”, he said, “on creative writing and humorous thinking that has plagued British society for too long”. “It is time now to bring to a close the seemingly endless round of two dimensional characters filling our screens with yet another way of saying the same tired old message. This is a national problem, not a local one for local people, and government must intervene.” The debate in the commons reached fever pitch as the opposition benches clamoured to take New Labour to task. “British comedy is the envy of the world, and generates loadsamoney for the economy,” said Conservative leader, David Cameron, “Yet, we have known for some time that such an institution is not safe from this politically correct government, we knew that you just wouldn’t let it lie, would you?” “Yes, but, no, but you shouldn’t listen to that George Osborne,” retorted the Prime Minister. “...

The nation’s only museum dedicated to ribaldry has announced that it would be closing at the end of the month. “Attendance figures have become flaccid in the last few years, I guess British humour has just changed,” commented Herbert Billingsworth, the museum’s founder. “We tried to follow society, but in the end we just couldn’t keep it up.” The Museum of the Double Entendre was opened in Bristol in the late 60s and has dedicated itself to documenting and preserving Britain’s rich history of ‘seaside humour’. “We have a wonderful collection of postcards, and of course we have the Benny Hill wing which is popular with American tourists,” explained Billingsworth. “We first had the idea for the museum in the mid sixties. Originally we had hoped for two museums with one for stage and screen and the other for printed materials. We got into position in ’69 and opened up pretty quickly. The initial few years gave us great hope to construct a purpose built facility forming the pair of Bristol...

Following on from recent developments in language teaching based around the use of smuggled cigarettes, the Department of Education is now taking a similar approach to the area of mathematics. “For too long Maths has had trouble engaging with youth” complained Jane Billingsworth, government spokeperson on Youth Culture. “In classrooms all around this great land we hear the wail of ‘But sir, when am I ever going to use that’. Whether it be trigonometry, fractions, long division, it always seems to unrelated to their lives”, she continued, speaking in between runs on the half-pipe at Stockwell Skatepark. “What we propose is to revolutionise teaching in Maths. Fraction teaching will be based around how to work out how much a quarter of hash for yourself and an eighth of Jamaican black for your mum will cost. Number theory will be taught with the conventional number line but the milestones will be “number of months until baby born, council house application” and so on. Estimation will be t...

Mark Billingsworth, 38, an IT manager for a large financial institution, explained how he had been awoken from what appeared to be an extended period of hypnosis. “I am still in a bit of a daze really. “ he explained “It was only yesterday morning that I came out from under the influence.” Mr. Billingsworth said that he was not sure how long he had been hypnotized for but believed it may have been as a long as several years. “The last thing I remember I was in my early twenties. I was young, slim, had a full head of hair and used to love touring on my motorbike.” He reminisced. “I remember playing the guitar in a band, we were pretty good I think. We could have got somewhere, although I remember considering being a writer more than a performer.” It appears that after undergoing hypnosis Mr. Billingsworth traded his motorbike in for a people carrier, and spent his subsequent weekends not at music festivals or bike rallies but at B&Q and Ikea. “When I wasn’t on my bike, or with the b...

Jason Billingsworth, 26, was today reliving his last few days for the press after being discharged from Barking Hospital. “Well you know, we all live a fast paced lifestyle these days,” said the unemployed van driver from Dagenham. “I had read all these facts in the newspaper, like, about how much we eat and drink in a year. Well you know I thought that must take a lot of time.” Mr Billingsworth explained that he decided to free up as much time as possible later on in the year by consuming his total amount of food and drink in the month of January. “Think of the time I’m gonna save not shopping, eating or crapping. It was a blinding idea.” he explained. “I was even more clever than that too. I read that a packet of crisps a day was a equivalent to five litres of cooking fat. Well I like my crisps, but I know I can drink quicker than I can eat. So I got myself 5 litres of cooking fat and polished that right off.” Mr Billingsworth explained further ingenuity. “The 45 portions of chips wa...

Following a spate of revelations regarding the contamination of Euro notes with cocaine, the street price of the notes is now rising above face value. The most prized notes are those from the Republic of Ireland, where a recent study found that 100% of the notes have traces of cocaine. However also prized are Spanish notes, as they are almost certain to contain the class A drug. Patrick McHugh of the Central Bank of Ireland raised concerns over the money supply. “It is a double whammy, to be sure. Notes are being taken out of circulation by people trying to get their hands on the cocaine, this is putting a huge pressure on the amount of coinage in circulation. That is what is really getting up my nose.” Garda Inspector Bill O’Reilly said that the effect on street life in Dublin was immediately noticeable. “Its pretty amazing watching people trading in the streets,” he said. “They are bartering way above market rates to get their hands on the notes. It just isn‘t normal to see people wa...

There has been continued outrage in the media regarding footage from what is believed to be the Iraqi version of “The Apprentice” that has been posted onto several websites in the middle east. Internet blogs reveal that the format has changed to make it more relevant to the Iraqi viewer. So now, instead of competing to be a salaried lapdog of a 1980s entrepreneur who now concentrates on media exposure, the Iraqi version has contestants competing in a series of trials to determine their future role in the reconstructed war zone. The leaked video footage shows the result of one of these trials in which the contestant remonstrates with the series judge in an executive courtroom. Controversy, however, surrounds the manner in which one contestant, known in media circles only as “Saddam” left the series and the unsubtle way that the celebrated catchphrase of “You’re fired!” has been replaced with “You’re dropped!” and is even acted out in the final scene. “The Iraqis have taken this franchis...

A leaked dossier has revealed the concerns of the secretive Bilderberg group regarding the impact of Global Warming on western governments. Minutes of last year’s meeting of the group, a 50 year private enclave of some of the most powerful political and economic decision makers, revealed that they are fearful of revolution and turmoil due to the lengthened summers and reduced rainfall in many countries. Denis Billingsworth, a retired journalist who has studied the Bilderberg Group has had access to the document. “Its pretty simple logic, really,” explained Denis. “The Group is concerned that historically revolution and riots against the establishment have all taken place in good weather. People don’t like to go out in the rain. So, if the Earth warms up and the summers get longer and hotter, if there is less rain, then there will be more revolution.” Mr Billingsworth pointed to history to illustrate the Bilderberg Group’s concern, highlighting the major revolutions and when they happen...

A mysterious man in his late seventies was revealed today as a significant clue in the investigation into the poisoning of ex-Russian agent Alexander Litvinenko. The man wearing a dishevelled jacket in a naval styling was found near his Lotus 7 motor car after it ran out of petrol. He would not give his name and claimed to Police to have escaped from a mysterious village. “He was pretty incoherent most of the time. Mainly ranting about being a man, not a number,” said Detective Inspector Patrick Billingsworth. “We found him yesterday, he had been circulating Parliament Square until his car ran out of petrol. He claimed he was being chased by a Rover -although his description of a spherical vehicle did not match any model we know of.” Police did not take the man seriously initially, until he explained that he was formerly a British secret agent who had resigned his post for reasons he would not reveal. “Well naturally that sparked our interest. I mean, we all like a good spy story down ...

Bookmaker's in Britain were today in mourning after the announcement of the death of Henry Billingsworth. Mr Billingsworth died yesterday at the age of 94 as the man with the reputation of being an amiable loser. "It is a black day," said Arthur, a regular at Connolly's Turf Accountants in Formby, Merseyside. "He was a chipper chap, was Henry, everyone liked him." Henry was known as a character in his local, the Red Lion. As beers were downed and the stories of the day's gambling exploits unfolded, it was indeed the case. No one seemed to have come out a loser. "Aye, I did OK in the bookie's today. Held my own," said Arthur who was a bit flushed having run into the pub. "Guys, can anyone lend me a couple of quid, That roulette machine next door is bound to pay out soon." "Up and down, up and down. Came out OK" added another, avoiding Arthur's gaze. "Doing alright. I had a ten-to-one winner three weeks ago.Won £5...