Tuesday, November 24, 2009

The Irrational Want Laws Preventing Rude Comments On Their Peaceful Mumbo-Jumbo Or They’ll Burn Your Cat

Followers of the Flying Spaghetti Monster today petitioned the United Nations in the hope of getting their irrational fantasies protected from people who may say something rude about them, such as it is all a load of made-up nonsense.

“Someone a few years ago printed very unfavourable images of the great Flying Spaghetti-Monster, may His balls always be meaty, it was greatly offensive to His followers at the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster,” said Grand High Priest of Pasta Akhenaten Billingsworth. “His sauciness, may His balls always be meaty, is only to be represented as purple.”

The green colouring in the images, described at the time by the editor of “What Deity?” as “a printing error”, led to six days of rioting on three continents. Many Italian restaurants had to placate the mobs carrying huge pasta forks by promising to never use pesto in combination with pork on the third Thursday of the month unless it is the 5th serving.

“That was a terrible situation, and it was only thanks to the clarity of scripture and the love of the Great-Spaghetti-Monster, may His balls always be meaty,” said Pastafarian Billiingsworth. “That and using large amounts of petrol and upturned busses. As endorsed by the second conclave of the Great Menu, may its service never be included.”

The followers of the Spaghetti Monster wish to have a UN declaration on “Saying anything uncomplimentary about things that can never be proven” and thus, by ratification of member states, a world-wide law making blasphemy, and the use of ketchup, illegal.

“There has been great theological debate over the years and it really is quite clear on this important point,” said Billingsworth on a pilgrimage to the holy site of the Spaghetti Trees in Italy. “His Sauciness, may His balls always be meaty, may only be represented in one of 134 shades of purple. The precise shade is still to be determined by leading Pastafarians. Anyone who says otherwise can only expect to be skewered and spun repeatedly before being sucked until dead, as per scripture, and we require this to be written in all nation’s laws or we start hurling the paving slabs again.”

However there are many in the rational world who believe that the credulous should not have any control over opinion, intellectual debate, or the representation of non-corporeal entities that are easily confused with fiction created to keep children in check.

“If they didn't like the genuine mistake of printing that spaghetti thing in green, they really aren't going to like the next issue,” said the editor of 'What Deity?'. “The centrefold is the spaghetti monster taking the figure of Justice up the wrong ’un whilst itself being fisted by the goddess of Enlightenment. And this time it’s in blue.”

Monday, November 16, 2009

The Sun celebrates 800 years of world leading news

The Sun newspaper, famous throughout the known world for its journalistic integrity with hard-hitting daily news ensuring that the people of Britain are kept up to date with any change in the state of the breasts of 22 year old stunners, is today celebrating what feels like centuries of peddling shit. Everyday this week the Sun will re-print key editions wot it has printed.

Today King John threw away our God-given right to his divine rule by signing the Runnymede treaty without a referendum! This so-called “Magna Carta” will now allow non-blue blooded mere commoners from other counties be able to influence the right of your king to subjugate you! They call it “Baron rights” we call it “Awful Albion”.

Tuesday – from 31/01/1606 “PHEW, WHAT A TORTURE!”
'Elf and Safety do-gooders today executed Guy “Guido” Fawkes for his part in an attempt to arrange a free fireworks display in Westminster on 5th November last year. “The little kiddies from the Catholic School would so loved to have seen the mighty bonfire at the Palace of Westminster” said one disappointed local resident. Disappointed tots were in tears as they returned to work as prostitutes and pick-pockets that evening. It's political correctness gone mad!

Wednesday – from 1/11/1642 “IT WAS THE SUN WOT WON IT”
Three cheers for your Super-Soaraway Sun wot won the battle at Ayelsbury ensuring Parliament's supremacy over the law of the land. Our stirring editorial. re-iterating our support for the rights enshrined in the Magna Carta, helped our boys on the pikes skewer the Royalists’ men. Want another ROUND? on your HEADs be it!

Thursday – from 26/07/1643 “PARLIAMENT'S LOST IT”
As the dust settles on the Battle of Bristol we announce that The Sun is behind the toffs who can take Britain into the 18th century and rescue Awful Albion from the clutches of the tyrant Cromwell. The King's wife looked gorgeous at last night's premier of a new staging of the stratford Bard's masterpiece ‘Much ado about nothing’ but what a frocking display from Mrs Cromwell who is clearly no sun bunny as she fled from our heroic troops. No time to top up the puriTAN dear?

Friday – from 21/10/1805 “GOTCHA!”
Nelson defeats the French at Trafalgar, capturing their flagship the ‘Bucentaure’ but suffers a fatal wound from a sniper due to a lack of helicopter support. Put pen to parchment and sign The Sun’s petition to ensure that penny-pinching bureaucrats provide our historically significant admirals with the futuristic equipment we dream they should have.

Friday, November 13, 2009

“Jordan of the Jungle” receives £350k for a week less “work” than the other celebrities – Britain offers more

Britain is reeling from the revelation that ITV has paid Jordan £350k for her stint in “I'm a celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here” and will actually be in the jungle a week less than the other contestants.

“I am utterly disgusted,” said John Billingsworth. “That is why I started the JFO fund. If we can raise £35m maybe she can be kept out of the country for a year.”

ITV has previously said that it was sending Jordan to Australia not as some sort of vulgar and populist attempt at grabbing ratings but as part of its public service broadcasting remit.

“By taking someone of Jordan's intellect from the UK to Australia we immediately raise the average IQ of Great Britain,” said a spokesman. “In fact we also raise that of Australia too.”

The Australian government, after having the plan explained to them several times, is now offering to raise £1m to pay Jordan not to come to their country at all.

“Australia has worked hard over the last decade to remove the stereotype of ignorance, arrogance and day-glo skin that has so stigmatised our nation,” said Prime Minister Kevin Rudd. “Jordan's presence, if only for a fortnight, could set the national statistics back years.”

The model whose long and difficult to spell real name is Katie Price, is unable to join the other contestants for the first week of eating worms due to work commitments in the United States as the face of Orange Plasticine.

After being notified of her presence, the Los Angeles Department of Public Health was today arranging for an emergency airlift to remove Ms Price, a known Bitch Flu carrier, from the US after a reported outbreak of the virus in a TV studio.

“I was in her presence for only six minutes during the interview, six minutes, and I came down with bitch flu, it just came over me like a wave of orange nausea,” said chat show host Chelsea Handler explaining why she had hastily ended her interview of Jordan with : “I’m not going to ask you anything anymore. It’s your business what you want to do. You can go live with your horses and your kids and get botox – I don’t give a shit!”

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Women MPs plead “Can a man do our jobs for us, pweeeaaase?”

Several female MPs have written to beg someone to do the difficult task of framing laws, and attending debates on transport and crime prevention since they are disinterested in the role if they can't have a second home to fill with cushions for doing it.

“The expenses reforms will be mean that women MPs might have to get trains home, possibly as late as 11pm, like so-called 'normal' people. Some of whom may also be on the train!” explained Murial Billingsworth, MP for the London borough of Kilford on Sea. “Unlike other women we might get mugged or raped! Someone should do something to improve society so that any woman is safe. Until someone makes society better can we just have our nice houses please? And curtains.”

The MPs are complaining that unlike other women working and travelling late in London they are especially susceptible and that other forms of transport are unavailable to them.

“£63k per year isn’t enough to include phoning for a taxi home. That is numbers, which is maths and boy’s stuff you meanie,” giggled Billingsworth. “Also my bag is vewy heavy and full of vewy hard white papers, could someone big and strong carry it for little me?”

Behind closed doors the group of half a dozen female MPs has complained for some time that the late night sittings of parliament are not conducive to encouraging women to enter politics and that the removal of second homes for those living near London is the final straw.

“I am sure some of the debates are very important, but are they relevant? Women's issues, crime, transport and stuff all very worthy I imagine, but they all go on so late in the evening,” complained Billingsworth from the House of Commons hairdressers. “Sometimes I miss both Coronation Street AND Strictly!”

The female MPs said that they were forced to write complaining about the problems of women using public transport, and that their hair goes frizzy in the rain, since previous attempts at compromise had been ignored.

“We wrote asking to be excused double PE [the Parliamentary Expenditure debate],” explained Billingsworth. “But apparently ‘women’s problems’ isn’t a valid reason.”

However the complaints of the MPs, that they are especially at risk of sexual assault travelling at night to unstaffed rail stations, was dismissed by a male member of parliament.

“I am not sure the sex beasts of London are waiting for these ladies with baited breath.” he said. “I wouldn't touch them with yours.”

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Daily Express lambastes Diana comic competitor for showing facts

The world's greatest comic, the Daily Express, today launched a scathing attack on a competitor for what it describes as a “flagrant publishing of facts” about Diana, Princess of Wales in a newly released comic book.

“The story of Diana is no place for facts and accuracy,” complained an editorial in the Express today. “This newly published comic about the life of Saint Diana of Wales tarnishes our carefully crafted memory of this otherworldly and saintly goddess, even though she was being ridden by an immigrant.”

The comic “Female Force : Princess Diana” documents her life based on events that have actually happened and been recorded by reputable news sources. This has provoked the ire of the Daily Express and caused the care workers at the Diana Circle for the delusional to be forced to use up their stocks of Ketamine to regain order before nap-time.

“This comic illustrates Diana's final days, with lurid so called ‘facts’ such as being on a yacht with Dodi and having had a state funeral broadcast around the globe,” ranted the Express. “The drawings bear no relation to the long lens paparazzi shots that we published before and after we said we wouldn't. At no point does it mention our stories about how she was knocked-up – even if it was by a foreigner.”

The paper further condemned references to the deaths of both Diana and Dodi Fayed in a car crash in 1997, something that the Express believes is an unjustifiable insult to their magical and almost unbelievable story of a fairy princess.

“Where are the true stories of how she cured AIDS with a hug or cleared away all the lost land-mines with just a smile? Where is her role as an icon for family values?” boomed the Express in its heavy hitting article next to the listing for its proprietors porn channel. “This so-called comic can't match our standards of truth. It makes no mention of the lizard people preventing Diana from unlocking the secret of the Holy Grail by attempting to kill her.”

The newspaper said that above all else the ending of the comic, referencing the funeral showed a complete lack of journalistic integrity on the part of the comic's Canadian publishers.

“You can't expect Johnny foreigner to understand our history the way we do,” said the article. “We have reported about Saint Diana of Fayed every day over the last decade and we know that she is alive and well.”

Monday, November 09, 2009

Handwriting analysis reveals Gordon Brown to be 21st century's most evil man

The nation's leading newspapers, and The Sun, today revealed the results of a wide-ranging survey of one sample of handwriting. The graphology survey, the first of its kind to be published by those pretending to be journalists revealed that not only does the Prime Minister have bad hand-writing but that he is possibly the most evil man in history.

“It is clear from the way that he wrote his 'i's, over 20 times, that he is an evil monster, worse than Hitler, Stalin or Simon Cowell,” said newspaper editor Rebekah Billingsworth, 13. “Not once did he put a little heart on the top to show his love. The man is clearly a bastard.”

The letter was sent to a grieving mother of a heroic soldier killed serving his country in Afghanistan. The Sun emphasised that the letter is further evidence that Gordon Brown should be burned at the stake.

“This letter looks like it has been written by a man for God's sake!” said Billingsworth. “How impersonal is that! From a Prime Minister! It’s almost indecipherable, almost like it is written in German. See how evil this monster is?”

The family of the deceased were dismayed at the handwriting and the difficulty they had reading it, suggesting that for subject matter so sensitive perhaps a typed letter would have been more appropriate. These sentiments were echoed, repeatedly, by The Sun.

“Can you believe that he would even think of sending a typed letter?” cried Billingsworth. “If you can imagine that, imagine him typing it in Comic Sans too. The evil, vicious bastard.”

Number 10 denied that they had ever contemplated sending a typed letter and that the hand-written nature of showed just how important writing to the family of those who have fallen for their country is to the Prime Minister.

Gordon Brown has since apologised for any distress caused to The Sun newspaper.

UPDATE : The Sun continues its crusade on mis-spelling of our war heroes names by lashing out violently at any and all other occrances whether they be handwritten, print, or as shown here on the web ...

Friday, November 06, 2009

David Cameron pledges to make future pledges

Following news that the Lisbon Treaty will now be ratified by all member states, David Cameron pledged his future to making further pledges but said that the days of a cast-iron pledge may now be unsustainable.

“Two years ago, when there was little hope I would be in power, I made the people of Great Britain a cast-iron promise to hold a referendum on the EU Treaty,” explained Mr Cameron. “Soon I will be in position to take full accountability for that pledge, which is exactly why I won't. Instead I pledge to make future pledges.”

Mr Cameron said that the Tory leadership would lead the way in promising things and then not following through with them. Pointing at New Labour, and Gordon Brown in particular, Mr Cameron said he would improve the government’s record on pledges.

“In 2005 Labour promised the same referendum, they too failed deliver,” said the Tory leader. “The Tories promise to take that pitiful single attempt and will pledge more letters of decisive action until we are elected, followed by hard and fast promises once in power. This will really demonstrate the ability of a Conservative government at pledge making.”

Mr Cameron gave a further copper-bottomed guarantee that his policy would also include, “concrete pledges” , “hard-and-fast promises”, and “indications of the direction towards which future intent might gravitate”, having already begun with his promise to "work a day in his life".

The Conservative leadership is keen to stress that it is completely united in its desire to gain power and avoid any unseemly debate over closer European integration which following through on an actual promise may well entail.

“European treaties have always been divisive within the Conservative Party,” acknowledged Mr Cameron. “The debate always involves inevitable compromise between a desire for a sovereign autonomy within a wider trade facilitating framework and me having the chief whip threaten the euro-sceptics with being fisted with a broken bottle.”

However Mr Cameron re-iterated that the traditional conservative cast-iron promise industry was now unsuitable for a modern, globalised political environment.

“It is time for the future, and I pledge more investment in copper-bottom guarantees within a wider concrete-pledge framework,” said Cameron without even a smirk. “Britain has to face up to a very difficult future,” he added. “One with a Conservative government.”

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