Gwynedd Council Rejects Israeli Plans For New Settlements In Golan Snowdonia After Computer Simulation

Gwynedd council has controversially rejected a planning application from the Israeli government requesting to build new Jewish settlements in the non-contested Golan area, near Snowdonia national park.

“We studied the request in detail but found it came up short in a number of areas, such as the impact on the local transport infrastructure or the impact of Hebrew speakers on the Welsh language,” said councillor Dafydd Billingsworth-Jones. “Oh and the fact that Israel has no claim to Wales or the UK.”

The Israeli foreign ministry has responded angrily to the rejection and says that it may be forced to take the plan to the United Nations, or even to take direct action itself.

“Golan is, and always shall be, Israeli land - no matter where it actually is. Israelis have a historic right to live in peace in our land, and we will deploy tanks as well as bulldozers to secure that peace,” said a spokesman. “And we refute the council's report as we always said we would improve the road network around Dolbenmaen to allow for the new border checkpoints.”

An emergency meeting of the council cabinet took additional submissions and statements from those affected by the Israeli proposals, which included a new community library, affordable key-worker housing and the installation of a battery of the Israeli Defence Force's 'Iron Dome' antimissile systems.

“We don't want to be seen as negative, the idea of facing the 'separation barrier' around the town with local slate was well received,” said Councillor Billingsworth-Jones. “But perhaps the minefield around the children's play area less so.”

The council emphasised that it was with great regret that they had to turn down the Israeli application but it followed a thorough review of a 3D model of the proposed Golan Heights Snowdon development.

“We had several extensive simulations made. First using Minecraft and then a particularly compelling submission using Call of Duty – Owen the War edition,” said Billingsworth-Jones. “Whilst we thought that the exploding buses and constant helicopter raids need not necessarily have a detrimental effect on existing property prices, we are concerned about the inevitable devastation of the rural economy that would be caused by the proposed Tesco Superstore.”

Gaddafi Calls In Extended Warranty On Anti-Aircraft Systems

The UK government faces a bill potentially running into billions of pounds after apprentice Tom Jones tribute artist Muammar 'Colonel' Gaddafi filed claims against the extended warranties he had taken out on his anti-aircraft systems that he said had recently become “inoperative through normal use”

“Yes, I felt a bit bullied by the man in the shop when I first took out the extended warranty on these tanks and missile systems, but I don't look mad now,” explained Colonel Gaddafi in his bright blue liberation uniform. With gold braids. And a big cap. “I want to emphasise that I was only using them as per the instruction manual when the British bombed them.”

The Ministry Of Defence said that it was studying the claim carefully and if found to be valid it would launch a revision of its arms selling policies.

“The extended warranty is something we always emphasis to purchasers of weapons systems since they often operate in very hostile environments and could be easily damaged by our attempts to damage them,” said Clive Billingsworth at the MOD. “It seems one of our salesman offered a sweetener deal. When Libya took out the extra cover on the Bofors 40mm autocannon we gave them a free gold-plated HDMI cable.”

The joy in Tripoli at the prospect of a large payout was curtailed upon news that during the night a RAF Tornado had fired a smart missile that mysteriously on managed to destroy a single filing cabinet in the Libyan finance ministry.

“Our review of the Libyan claim has concluded and it transpired overnight that they will be unable to produce the necessary paperwork to support their claim,” explained Billingsworth. “However the good news for any new government in Libya is that we currently have a load of anti-aircraft weaponry on sale at the moment since all of the manuals are written in Egyptian.”

Gaddafi Considers Future On The X-Factor Tour

Aspiring Tom Jones impersonator, Muammar 'Colonel' Gaddafi, has reacted defiantly to the missile bombardment from US and UK naval assets and the as yet completely un-surrendered French airforce.

“History has shown that I will prevail and I am fully on top of all of the events in the Middle East and elsewhere,” Gaddafi said in a radio address. “I have reached out to our brother who has had such success handling rebellion, his Excellency Saddam Hussein.”

Colonel Gaddafi said that not only was he convinced that the people of Libya were prepared to die for him, he said that he would ensure their wishes were fulfilled.

“Clearly Brother Saddam is a very busy despot, but he has experience of killing his own citizens that will be invaluable,” explained the Libyan leader. “I have also extended my hand in solidarity for the advice of the President of Yugoslavia – Slobodan Milosevic, who I am sure will call back soon too.”

Colonel Gaddafi continued his address by insisting that he had no intention of ever leaving Libya and that he wanted to continue as the country's leader as long as he was beloved by his people and they were shooting only his enemies.

“My ministers have been using the last Internet connection in Libya to check Wikipedia for stories of the triumphs of my peers, Saddam’s what?” continued Gaddafi in his radio address. “Oh, and Slobodan too? Really? And Stars in Their Eyes has gone too?”

Mr Gaddafi broke off his speech to ask of the fates of other power mad dictators, such as Pol-Pot and Augusto Pinochet. He was audibly heartened to learn that Simon Cowell was still alive. The Libyan leader then abruptly ended his speech by announcing there would be a medley of inspiring songs to rouse the people in his favour.

“Do you think Davina will do another celebrity special?” he was heard to ask. “Now, who wants to hear Delilah again?”

Parents Petition Iraq Inquiry So Soldiers Remembered Not As Fallen Heroes But Murderers Killed In The Act

As Tony Blair returned to give evidence at the Iraq Inquiry several parents of soldiers killed in action continued to insist that their sons were perpetrators of murder, terrorism and armed revolution and should not be thought of as brave young men fighting for their country, their families or their way of life.

“My son Steven died in Iraq in what I want the inquiry to confirm as an illegal war so that I remember my son appropriately,” said proud father Herbert Billingsworth whose son was killed in a helicopter accident three years ago. “Steven was proud to be part of the British Army and he has been commemorated as a war hero. But really he should be remembered as a trained mercenary employed by a rogue regime to enact bloody revolution in a foreign land.”

Herbert Billingsworth is determined to ensure that the evil mastermind of the plot of Arab world domination is unmasked and brought to justice.

“I want the inquiry to confirm that my son volunteered to be a henchman to Tony 'Drax' Blair's evil plan to steal the world's oil,” said Billingsworth. “Rather than someone who died for their country, Steven can be remembered as a highly dangerous and murderous gang member.”

Herbert Billingsworth also wants the inquiry to confirm that the professional soldiers should have had a choice not only of the wars they fought but also of the tools and equipment they were given to use in battle.

“Any self-respecting warmonger or evil megalomaniac makes sure that their henchmen have the latest in death rays, biological weapons and portable shark-tanks in which to hide captured satellites,” said Billingsworth. “The so-called soldiers fighting for this murderous regime are so poorly equipped they don't even have proper jet packs or metal teeth.”

A spokes-henchman for Tony Blair would not comment on matters to do with the Iraq inquiry, or even if Blair would answer questions whilst stroking a pussy. Cherie Blair is believed to be out of the country.

Bush visit to Baghdad Woolworths sparks shoe frenzy

The President of the USSA was recovering from a recent trip to the Baghdad branch of the struggling high-street retailer Woolworths when the turmoil of the closing down sale almost resulted in injury.

“I was looking to see if there were any other bargains in Iraqistan that I could grab,” said Bush as he lunged for a Sindy doll in damaged packaging. “Over the past 4 years we have grabbed all the oil and searched high and low for anything nuclearificated, but right now with my own country's screwed economy I would be happy with a slightly dented toaster.”

Mr Bush was on a relief mission for the long suffering workers in his own country who have recently discovered that their entire economy was being run by an elite party of thieves.

“The other shoppers in Baghdad, who understand exactly what America is suffering having spent so many years under their own tyrant, Saddam Bin Laden, were touched by the plight of the millions of members of the New American peasant class that I helped to creationify,” said Comrade Bush trying to find a matching set of car seat covers from the damaged goods bin.

“They therefore started throwing me their shoes to take home to those barefoot workers waiting in the soup lines in New York.”

Many social commentators have explained that the receipt of a shoe on the nose is one of the greatest insults that can be delivered by a Muslim but Mr Bush was quick to play down the political aspect of the incident.

“I disagree that it was some sort of high Islamic insult,” he said trying to find a matching set of luggage with all of its wheels intact. “After all those shoes contained no explosives.”

The Whitehouse today said that Mr Bush was very happy with the outcome of his trip to Baghdad and that there was no misunderstanding between the USSA and Iraqi governments over exactly what he was to find in Iraq.

“Comrade Bush searched for all of the WMDs (Woolies Mega Deals) in the country, and whilst he was unable to find what he first claimed he was looking for, he did come home with a brand new gas pipeline.”

MoD denies secret deal with al-Mahdi militia

Today the Ministry of Defence denied that any "accommodation" had been made with the notorious al-Mahdi militia which prevented the British Army from supporting the Iraqi and American armies in a recent assault in the Middle East.

"We simply agreed that our troops in Afghanistan would not move into the Middle East," explained General Bill Billington-Billingsworth from his office in Whitehall. "We would stay out as long as the Mahdi held position in Alberta and did not threaten our positions in the Western United States or indeed Brazil from their stronghold in North Africa."

Everything, said the General, would have been fine until the Iraqi team, frustrated by what they perceived to be a lack of support from General Billington-Billingsworth’s troops, launched an attack into the Middle East from what appeared to be a weak position in India.

"It seems that they did this without discussing it with the team from America who had nipped out to get some more beers from the fridge and returned to find their forces in the Ukraine under attack from the al-Mahdi’s," said Billington-Billingsworth discussing their week long Risk marathon.

The event had gone well, although whilst everyone had been focussed on the planned marathon session of the strategy board game Risk, the Iraqi and British teams had left it to the Americans to determine follow-up arrangements.

"It was assumed that there would at least be a couple of rounds of Diplomacy, said General Billington-Billingsworth. "However even though the Americans had forgotten to bring their board, the real problem was that there was no one around to tidy up the mess from a week’s drinking and munching on crisps and takeaways before my wife returned form visiting her mother."

It was this let down that led to some bad feeling and marred the otherwise enjoyable games session that may mean that the old university chums might not get together for some time.

"I am sure we will all remain friends, but I guess that’s why its just a bit of fun - you couldn’t run a real war like that could you?" asked Billington-Billingsworth. "Imagine how bad Iraq would have been if the yanks there had just focussed on the high-profile game completely forgotten about diplomacy and the aftermath of all the action? Oh I see."

Axis Of Evil reveals expansion plans

The loose collective of nations known as the 'Axis Of Evil' has announced plans for enlargement from the founding three members of Iraq, Iran and North Korea, to bring other states under its political umbrella.

"We were forged, from what most people thought was just a poor piece of ridiculously simplistic imagery of a world that didn't exist, into states that six years later are right at the heart of the world's political and indeed cultural life," said Ofdad Billingjani, the group's spokesman.

The group says that it's economic and cultural model has captured the imaginations of the world and wants to make this available to other like minded countries.

"A decade ago, before the formation of the AOE, our three founding members were pariah states, shunned by the world, with little political or economic power. Today two of the member states are boasting nuclear capability!" explained Mr Billingjani. "Barely a day goes by without a mention of one of the countries on a US news broadcast, in a British paper or Parisian brothel."

It isn't just current affairs and technology where the Axis Of Evil has taken a pre-eminent role in world affairs; it has grasped the imaginations of leading writers and thinkers across the cultural landscape.

"Hollywood movies are full of references to Iran and Iraq especially, less so North Korea until someone hires a Chinese Elvis impersonator to play Kim Jong-Il," said Billingjani. "Not just that but the Iranian terrorist has replaced the iconic British mastermind as the standard evil stereotype."

The group of three now sees an opportunity to expand and has offered alignment talks with Syria and the emerging totalitarianism of Pakistan.

"We hope to be able to invite more and more nation's that share our ideals, especially Syria, who will probably need a nuke or two in the near future if the US continues its grand tour. With Pakistan being a theocracy effectively under martial law and holding hundreds of nuclear weapons, we feel it can really enhance what we hope to call the Evil 5," said Billingjani.

The E5 sees its future expansion as being intrinsic to it’s economic influence, an area where it feels that pure hatred will never be enough to sustain member states individually.

"We have to co-operate to compete with the big players," said Mr Billingjani. "We hope to create a future in which millions of people can be assured that at least half of the torture equipment being used upon them will bear the inscription ‘Made in the AOE’."

However the nascent E5 has plans to expand outside the Middle East and Asia and into the more developed countries.

"We are an open group of despotic nations. Our plans for enlargement are open to any country that shares our ideals of leadership by irrational theocracy, torture and overt threats to other countries," explained Mr Billingjani. "Indeed, if they can sort out the problems they have with their religious fundamentalists and their weak currency, we hope one day to be able to an extend an invitation to the USA."

“Muhammad” Teddy Bear to be flogged

The teddy bear that was previously named Muhammad by schoolchildren was today sentenced by judges in Khartoum for its part in the controversy that led to the imprisonment of English schoolteacher Gillian Gibbons.

“We take any insults to our religion very seriously, ” said Ali Billing-Laden an Islamic scholar who gave evidence at the bear's hearing. “Once again the west has insulted the Great Prophet, peace be upon him, and this will no longer be tolerated.”

The bear, formerly known as Muhammad, has been sentenced to be flogged on ‘eBay Sudan’, with no expectation of a reserve. Postage and packing has been set at a stinging £400 however the bear is likely to be simply placed in a cardboard box and lashed with bubble wrap.

A statement from the Unity High School in Sudan, where Ms Gibbons worked, said that there had never been any complaints over other toys that have been named by the children.

“Those are completely different to this insult,” said Ali Billing-Laden. “Why should anyone complain about ‘Jesus the Monkey’, who clings onto a piece of wood? The children love their little robotic ‘stars and stripes’ pig called ‘Infidel’ that wallows in its own filth.”

The Sudanese government denied its decision to flog the teddy bear, previously known as Muhammad, was cruel or malicious.

“It's better that the punishment is a short 15 day auction than spending months gathering dust in an Oxfam shop,” said Billing-Laden. “This way it is all over and done with quickly and the bear can be forced into the loving arms of a young jihadi.”

Feelings are running high in Sudan’s capital Khartoum with protests on the streets, determined to ensure that true Islamic law is followed in the case of the Teddy Bear Formerly Known as Muhammad.

“This issue over the bear must be resolved through a strict application of Sharia law and Islamic culture,” said Mr Billing-Laden. “Once it has been flogged on eBay, it shall be stuffed with explosives and set unto its glorious mission at the Infidel ‘Disney Store’. Only then can it attain martyrdom, ascend to paradise and receive 72 virgin Care Bears.”

London buses concern over Iran

The escalating crisis between Iran and the United Kingdom over the detention of 15 British service personnel has aroused concern not just throughout the political and military worlds, but also for the Bus planners of London Transport.

“From what we have learned about the crisis, from the media, both countries are in dispute over the position of boats using GPS,” explained Ken Billingsworth, Manager for Bus Logistics Central London. “We use the same system to track our buses, so if it doesn’t work it could be a disaster.”

Transport for London uses GPS to locate its buses for amongst other reasons populating the electronic displays on stops that give the expected time of arrival of the next service. There have long been questions and complaints regarding the displays. Many a commuter has looked down from the sign saying their bus was due to find an empty road extending into distance.

“I mean GPS systems are supposed to be accurate to within a few metres. Yet the dispute is over miles. If they were really that inaccurate, it would be chaos. Those electronic displays could be showing any old rubbish,” explained Mr Billingsworth. “We may as well just scroll through the timetable and not bother tracking the actual buses.”


Splash Nav


In related news Belinda Willis, who famously wrote off a £96k Mercedes in a river following the instructions of her satellite navigation system, said she felt vindicated by the crisis.

“If sailors can get into troubled water following GPS, what hope has a motorist?”

Controversy over leaked footage of the Iraqi version of “The Apprentice”

There has been continued outrage in the media regarding footage from what is believed to be the Iraqi version of “The Apprentice” that has been posted onto several websites in the middle east.

Internet blogs reveal that the format has changed to make it more relevant to the Iraqi viewer. So now, instead of competing to be a salaried lapdog of a 1980s entrepreneur who now concentrates on media exposure, the Iraqi version has contestants competing in a series of trials to determine their future role in the reconstructed war zone.

The leaked video footage shows the result of one of these trials in which the contestant remonstrates with the series judge in an executive courtroom. Controversy, however, surrounds the manner in which one contestant, known in media circles only as “Saddam” left the series and the unsubtle way that the celebrated catchphrase of “You’re fired!” has been replaced with “You’re dropped!” and is even acted out in the final scene.

“The Iraqis have taken this franchise and distorted it too far from its roots, “ complained Sir Alan Billingsworth, a former governor of the BBC. “What they have in Iraq is nothing like what we have in the west and what we tried to give them. I believe there was talk of sticking with ‘You’re fired!’ but the producers refused to act that one out. Mind you, I hear that a local Baghdad channel has a lower budget version where they have ’You’re axed!’ as the catchphrase. That really is extreme TV.”

Channel 4 said that they always keep a close eye on developments within the reality TV format but denied that recent construction work on the Celebrity Big Brother house is related to the leaked video. In contrast a source close to the production company Endemol said “Well our version has got a bit absurd, and maybe a ‘below stairs revolution’ could be a way to finally kill off Jade Goody”.

US invites Iran and Syria to game of “pass the parcel” over Iraq

The United States of America has said that it is prepared to discuss the future of Iraq with Iran and Syria. "More specifically," revealed Karl Billingsworthski, one of US President George Bush’s aides, "to decide who would like a go at this hot potato - I mean it would be nice if we could do the right thing by the country we destabilised but, well it’s a nightmare and we need to pass this onto someone else."

"We are hoping to be able to pull at some fraternal heartstrings. For Iran there is Shia Muslim relationship - especially as the Shia in Iraq are calling for their own federal state anyway." explained Mr Billingsworthski, "For Syria, well their majority Sunni Muslim population would I am sure embrace the Iraqi Sunnis. One thing is for sure we just want out. It is a financial sink-hole. It’s clear enough people are not benefiting in the US from the vast reconstruction contracts as the mid-terms showed."

In private, off the record briefings other political advisors to the Iraqi Study Group are stressing the need to extricate US troops so that they are free to attack Syria, the preferred target in the War On Terror, or Iran if the Iranians look like they are making headway with their Nuclear programme.

"The reality is that this is as much a US strategy advisory group than it is some sort of touchy feely - ‘let’s do the best by the Iraqis’. If we get Syria or Iran involved then they’re military resources will get embroiled in the same nightmare we are now. Ideally we can pass Iraq right on to them, but even if we have to share the job you know it will cripple them more than us! And hey, that means an easier ride to the next stop on the world tour. If you know what I mean. In fact if it all goes really well then the insurgency in Iraq will spill into Syria and Iran and do the job for us!"