Surreal Scoop

The group of miners who have been stranded underground for months, and face further months under the ground, have expressed their sympathy for millionaire DJ Chris Moyles who claims he hasn’t been paid for at least a 6 weeks. “We are united in our sympathy for Chris, who entertains us with his comments about gays and camp people and his hurried explanations that it is just a joke,” said Sevriano Billingsweros one of the men trapped underground. “Whilst we are not like Chris, as we are talented professionals and we are not paid millions of pounds despite having identifiable talents, we too haven’t been paid for some time.” The issue came to light after Mr Moyles deviated from the painstakingly prepared script for his show for the first 32 minutes to launch into a tirade against BBC executives claiming that they have missed one regular payment. “To be honest we hadn’t actually realised Chris was paid at that point and are hoping previous payments were a mistake,” said a senior BBC inside...

Many members of the conservative US Republican “Grand Old Party” had been looking to the anti-establishment Tea Party for a revival in fortunes. However there are concerns that masturbation expert Christine O’Donnell may just be too much of a political maverick following revelations that she has a history of dabbling with the occult and other anti-Christian activities. “Christine’s great. Like Sarah Palin but without the entrenched policies,” said Tea Party activist Clint Billingsworth IV, from Charlottesville. “But you know, messing with the occult, well that wasn’t something that Jesus did when he was at High School.” Ms O’Donnell has responded to the criticism explaining that many people probably had friends and interests in their youth that do not necessarily represent their views as they have got older. “Didn’t everyone spend time with questionable folks at high school?”, said cock enthusiast Ms O’Donnell. “I know that one of my first dates was on a satanic altar, then we had a mi...

As Pope Benedict XVI tours Great Britain a transcript from the year 2020 has been discovered. It appears to be the minutes of a meeting between the late Joseph Ratzinger and God:- St Peter As His papal representative on Earth you get a personal audience, I'll just take the minutes. God Ah Ratzinger. Good To See You. This Won't Take Long Now, Just A Few Questions And We Can Process Your Application For Entrance To Heaven. Ratzinger So it is true? Heaven, Hell, Jesus, St. Peter. It is all true? My faith is rewarded. God Yep, It's True, We'll See About The Reward Bit At The End. Raztinger Stick that Muslims. God Well, I Am Their God Too. Ratzinger Yes, yes, so my version, is the true faith? God Well Lets See. Got A Couple Of Questions About Your Devotion, And Any Suffering For The Faith And All That. Right Now, Christianity, Have You Really Stuck To The Boy's Teachings? Ratzinger I have served you both faithfully for 93 years. God Let's See, Hitler Youth? Ratzinger...

The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster in Gainesville, Florida in the USA has said that it has temporarily suspended plans for a mass Quorn burning event in a dispute over the site of the new meat free Zero Ground Meat Kiosk being built on Manhatten Island. “Quorn is a deviation from the Flying Spaghetti Monster’s teachings, may His balls always be meaty,” commented Grand High Priest of Pasta Akhenaten Billingsworth. “If American vegetarians wish to eat a replacement for meat it is clear that Pasta is the only substitute.” The subject of Quorn has been controversial in the US over fears that followers of a Quorn based diet exhibit allergic reactions, with women being forced to cover themselves from head-to-toe in black sheets and some on extremist Quorn diets being driven to violence. “His Sauciness has made it clear that flour and water are sacred,” said Billingsworth. “It is an affront to build their Zero Ground Meat Kiosk so close to Little Italy.” Little Italy has gained almost...

Panic has set in the Premier League with players and managers seeking intensive English lessons from language tutors following the summer announcement that the next England manager will speak English. “It’s calmed down, the media storm, now that the first euro-qualifier is ‘belted under’ as he would say. The Manager,” said a leading commentator. “But they’ve gone on with their lessons. The players. For when he fails and he replaces him. Capello.” Despite some initial coyness about the nature of their training a few of the leading players wanted to emphasise that a place in the England squad was important to them. “At my age I know it’s going to be difficult for me but I have every intention of earning my place in the dugout,” said David Beckham speaking to BBC 5 live. “But I have never had to learn a language before and now I do." There are concerns among players and staff who are worried that learning English may result in a generation of players unable to communicate with their ...

In his forthcoming book, The Grand Design, Hawking has concluded that the Big Bang was an inevitable consequence of the laws of physics with no dependency on any action from God. “It is not necessary to invoke God to light the blue touch paper,” he explains. “Quantum fluctuations - temporary changes in the amount of energy in a point in space, arising from Werner Heisenberg's uncertainty principle can create all possible matter – antimatter combinations. And anyway the universe was a present in Father Christmas's sack.” In the book co-written by Leonard Mlodinow, Hawking sets a significant departure from his previous views on the subject, he now purports that the Easter Bunny was the prime catalyst for spontaneous creation from the particle soup chaos that led to the formation of the universe. Hawking writes that he has always been a true believer ever since his childhood observation of Santa Claus and his flying reindeer powered sleigh orbiting the Moon set in motion his depar...