Surreal Scoop

European football’s governing body has upheld the Football Association’s request to allow Wayne Rooney to be violent against players from host nation Ukraine by reducing his international suspension from three games to two, meaning he could return to international thuggery for the final group game in this summer's European Championships. “After due deliberation and taking into account Wayne’s previous record as a foul-mouthed, violent cheat in both domestic and international competitions, we have determined that the three match ban was too harsh,” said Michel Billingstini of UEFA. “It would have deprived fans in the Ukraine of that true spectacle of English football - watching Wayne stamp on their heroes’ faces.” Many football pundits had pressed for a reduction in the sentence meted out to Rooney following his violence against Miodrag Dzudovic from Montenegro citing his previous disciplinary record and precedents of previous UEFA rulings. “Wayne has been cheating at the highest le...

Boffins at Apple's Cupertino headquarters in California are today said to be overjoyed at the news that the company's latest offering, the iPhone 4S, has managed to respond to human interaction in a manner that users are finding indistinguishable from the response of a real person. “Apparently our Siri users in Scotland have found that the iPhone 4S has absolutely no idea what they are saying,” an acolyte from Apple Core gestured through a ‘multi-touch’ interpreter . “This is exactly the response any real human would have when trying to interact with a Scotsman.” The voice operation software in the new 4S has been found to reply only with confusion and bewilderment at suggestions from north of the border. This silicon confusion is the same that any of us would have when confronted by a Scottish user who wants to know the time, what the weather is going to be like or where the lowest priced can of Tennent's Super can be found within staggering distance. And whether the phon...

As Britain continues to bask in its typical balmy autumnal weather, thousands of immigrants from Spain, the south of France and Portugal are heading to the UK for the lifestyle and the weather. “After Geraldo sold his business we left came to Britain, mainly for the weather really,” said Maria Billingso through an interpreter. “Obviously Spain is finished as a country now anyway, so we came to Torbay where the quality of life is so much better. Although you can't get a decent paella and the locals are quite lazy.” Maria Billingso is one of the increasing number of ex-pats from Spain and other countries who have come to Britain for retirement. Spanish communities in many tourist hotspots are rapidly growing, although there are complaints regarding a lack of integration between the newcomers and their adopted communities . “They come over here, they don't learn the language, walking around in their ‘Bandera de Espana’ shorts and calling everyone Dave,” said Dave, a pub landlord. ...

As the investigation into the circumstances surrounding the relationship between Adam Werrity and Dr Liam Fox continues, each new revelation hints that there might be someone who is comfortable to be around Liam Fox without being paid to do so. “I find that idea completely amazing, have you met Dr Fox?” asked Julian Billingsworth, who has been part of the Defence Secretary’s Woodspring constituency team for the past 20 years. “If I wasn’t getting a bung I wouldn’t want to be near the man.” Government ministers and civil servants alike have rushed forward to defend Dr Fox from accusations that his friend Adam Werrity was not paid by either the Conservative Party or a government department. “If Werrity wasn’t paid, then he must have been accompanying Fox to that meeting in Dubai out of friendship. You have to admire Werrity because, Jesus Christ, that’s a seven hour flight,” said Billingsworth. “I can only tolerate a cab ride to our constituency office with him because I know he is payin...

Political and economic analysts have indicated a further decline in American power and influence with the discontinuation of the original, iconic, right-wing nut-job, the Palin 1.0 “I think that many people around the world that might take their lead from American lunacy will see the future as one of continued decline,” said Armin Billingsworth. “The ending of the Palin 1.0’s Presidential ambitions means that America is losing key skills in irrational swivel-eyed madness.” It would now appear that hopes of an increase in US nut-job production with the much anticipated release of the Palin 2.0 have been dashed as the model finally shipped to users turned out to mostly repackaging of the older model. The heralded feature of greater voice control turned out to actually be more gaffe-prone than ever and early adopters have reported flaws in its memory and handling of history. The prototype Palin 2.5 – codenamed the Wanking Witch - is still considered too unstable for mass consumption. “Wel...

As aspiring Tom Jones impersonator, Colonel Gaddafi , continues to urge his last remaining supporters to murder fellow Libyans senior politicians, and Louise Mensch , are adding the impending success of Libya’s murderous rebel regime to a growing catalogue of achievements of the British Prime Minister, David Cameron:- The signing of the Magna Carta – The single act that for the first time enshrined that no one, no man, baron, not even the king, was above the law of the land was actually a genuine triumph for our PM David Cameron’s listening exercise throughout the middle ages. MPs retain their exemption to this day. Modelling of DNA – While historians are keen to emphasise the foundational research of Rosalind Franklin leading to the famous Crick-Watson double-helix model, it is now clear that the collaborative efforts were a genuine triumph for our PM David Cameron efforts to generate a “Big Soc” research team, 13 years before he was born. First footsteps on the moon – th...

In a controversial interview, constitutional historian David Starkey has provoked outrage by claiming that the recent riots were not in fact protests but where a result of the oppression and ostracising of white scholarly historians from mainstream culture. “We were showing authority that we can do whatever we like. If we want to write hefty tomes after studying the Wives of Henry VIII then we will,” said Starkey yesterday. “These riots will keep happening until the government does something for us, say by increasing research funding into Tudor history.” Mr Starkey was speaking during an interview in which he defended the mass looting and lawlessness that appears to have been perpetrated by groups of masked historians and economists as they smashed the windows of Waterstones, Foyles and antiques shops everywhere. “It was terrible, they just charged in and took everything I had on Queen Elizabeth I, everything was gone,” said a specialist bookshop owner in Eltham. “They screame...

A new era has finally dawned, we are now living the “Star Trek” future were there is no need for money, people just enjoy their hobbies and food appears out of nowhere. These are the findings of a weeklong study from groups of field researchers taking in England’s most significant cities . And Manchester. “Money is now a thing of the past,” said behavioural scientist Professor J. Scott Billingsworth . “Everything is available on-demand and money serves now only to be received, not spent. For example I received £25 for these trainers that I demanded from a terrified man in Ealing.” The researchers found that 2011 had seen the realisation of a future previously only imagined by science-fiction writers such as Gene Roddenberry or H.G. Wells. Now at last are huge tracts of society that find no need for money and spend time pursuing knowledge – such as Stellar Cartography , expressing themselves creatively – such as writing plays exploring the human condition, or getting bonged out of...

As scum across the country woke up to see that it wasn’t all a dream and that they did indeed have the newest brightest orange trainers and boxes of the latest smartphones, they all said that this was a clear act of solidarity with whatisface, you know the bloke with the gun, or cab or something from London wasn’t it? “I have to make a stand. It has gone on for too long, this outrage of me not having a 3D TV. So I took the half-brick of justice, and I smashed the windows of the oppressing power of the British Heart Foundation shop in Ealing. I thought yeah, that will teach you people to give up your time and possessions in the hope of making people’s lives better. That shop is a fucking disgrace,” said one masked looter. “All the telly’s and that was old and they didn’t even have a BluRay player. Er. BluRay player Of justice, for you know, him who got shot was it? Yes! Someone has got the tracksuits from JD. The Tracksuits of Freedom I mean.” Many of the so-called rioters are pro...

Americans are today coming to terms with expert economists’ declaration that their economy and way of life is under pressure. This will come as a shock to the average man on the rubble strewn streets of Detroit rummaging for food in the bins of houses being sold for $100. “Previously we had the United States rated as ‘Never, Ever, Going to Default’ but after a late night meeting at Harry’s Bar we have taken the drastic step of downgrading,” said Ben Billingsworth, 12, Lead Analyst at Standard & Poor. “Now we classify the US as ‘Never Going to Default’.” The new assessment indicates that the US, which has hitherto been considered to have a 0% chance of defaulting, will in future have that risk raised by 100% to zero percent. The new rating was revealed in a press-release from S&P’s New York office entitled ‘We Are Not Moody’s Bitch.” “We all knew that the government was going to be able to sort out the debt ceiling and they did that with no direct revenue increases,” said Billin...

As further allegations, smears, slurs, lies, truths, and lies about truths spread rapidly around the world in the wake of the phone-hacking scandal, the nation is struggling to come to terms with the fact that its suspicions that many of the people involved are actually quite awful has been confirmed. The latest allegations centre on scurrilous suspicions that Piers Morgan may at one time have actually been a newspaper editor. “I’d always thought that Piers Morgan, you know him off the song contest show , was a bit awful. Turns out he actually is,” said normal person Gerald Billingsworth. “But he might not know that he hacked a mobile phone, after all he was adamant that obviously staged photos were real images of torture.” Mr Billingsworth was referring to Piers Morgan’s awful tenure at the Daily Mirror. In 2004 he made concerted efforts to fuel hatred of British forces in Iraq by insisting that the spotlessly clean trucks and T-shirts in the scenes were not obvious indicators that ph...

A recent survey of 100,000 web users has found that Internet Explorer users tend to have the lowest IQs of the online community while those using seemingly any alternative, such as Chrome or Firefox are smarter, and no doubt sexier. “I knew it, I knew it! All along, persevering with Firefox’s long load times and non-standard standards compliant behaviour was the way to go,” claimed technology commentator Mr Bloggy . “Suffering frustration, lost hours with all those broken websites and the breakdown of a relationship was genius after all. Stick that Sandra. Bitch.” The study found that those who simply used the market leading browser that came with their PC, and consequently most websites are designed to work with as a matter of course, were in fact idiots all along. It was in many ways fortunate that these users had the easiest web surfing experience of all given their low average IQ of 80. “Whereas those users that used something obscure such as Camino, or trendy such as Safari, obvio...

The world is continuing its mourning after the assassination of humanitarian leader General Abdel Fattah Younes, a long time practitioner of the teachings of Mahatma Ghandi and the leader of the non-violent Libyan protest movement shaped in his image. Obituaries of the long-time Gaddafi supporter are now flowing in, filled with tales of power, corruption, doctrinal-fuelled murder and car trouble. “From the first day of supporting Gaddafi in the coup, through 40 years of supporting Gaddafi to training elite death squads, General Younes was always such a peace-loving man, so committed to love, to relieving suffering and to justice and freedom,” Abdul Bilinfworthdi, the so-called 'Butcher of Benghazi'. “He was just plagued by a series of unreliable second-hand cars.” Minutes of Libyan cabinet meetings throughout the second half of the twentieth century reveal a litany of late attendance or missed conferences being blamed on problems with his old second-hand cars. “I remember once,...

The leading fashion houses of Milan, Paris and London are gearing up to tell women how to express their individuality by looking the same as each other. Unlike previous years experts believe [insert year as variable to save re-writing every 12 months] is going to lead to some ground-breaking fashion statements on the High Street. “Oh darling, yes, it will be marvellous, so new, fresh, refreshing and so, so new,” squealed fashionista Saaraaa Bylingzwerthe. “There will be skirts you know, that will be a little bit shorter, or longer, than last year. Oh darling, how outrageous!” Indeed magazine editors are already poring over the latest sketches of skirts to determine what the new thing in skirts is going to be, a general consensus is that it will continue to be like a single very wide trouser that you can put both legs down. “But it will definitely be shorter, if it isn’t longer than last year,” said Ms Bylingzwef. “Although, radically, they could be kept the same length. How scandalous!...

The news of the existence of an indestructible computer system has prompted software giant Microsoft to look to include the TDL bot-net into future versions of Windows as both a time-saving feature for users, but also as a key software distribution platform. “Basically this bot-net never crashes and has great security,” said Microsoft executive Steve Billingsworth. “So it is already years ahead of Windows.” The bot-net apparently contains advanced levels of encryption preventing investigators snooping on the traffic between computers upon which it is installed. This contrasts with Microsoft’s Internet Explorer that is surely only one patch away from automatically detailing your credit card details in a full page advert in The Times. “We are also quite impressed with the ease with which the TDL software can install itself on a computer, silently and with such a small footprint,” said Billingsworth. “No one at Microsoft can understand how they managed to achieve that without at least fou...

Analysts in the US said that the country was clearly heading on the road to recovering from its $14 trillion deficit with the release of the Palin 2.0 – code-named Michele Bachmann – to the delight of right-wing Tea-Bag party supporters. “The US leads the world in the development of delusional female politicians,” commented Kurt Billingsworthski a notable Tea-bagger. “Oh yes, and U. S. A - U. S. A. - U. S. A” The upgrades to the Palin range that have been incorporated into the Michele Bachmann are aimed at addressing the obvious security flaws with the original Palin 1.0. For example the Palin 2.0 default location has been moved several thousand miles away from being able to see Russia to avoid confusion with foreign policy expertise. Most importantly version 2.0 extends the core Palin 1.0 functionality of being in regular communication with a Sky Wizard . “With the Palin 1.0 there was the regular friend requests from God,” said Billingsworthski. “The new model has taken that into the ...

China’s Premier, Wen Jiabao, continued his British visit and promised that he would take measures to increase trade between Britain and China, in particular he offered to whip the Chinese into a frenzy to buy something, anything, British. “Oh yes, very much so, several shall be whipped until they are pleading with us to let them buy a British car, say a thousand,” said Mr Wen. “That would be a thousand being whipped to buy one car, say the red one over there.” China, soon to become the leading economy in the world, is thought to be sitting on cash reserves of $3trillion that it wants to diversify and use as investment. “We have lots of dollars, lots, and Blue Jeans, we make them, like we make everything else,” said the Premier on a tour of Stratford-Upon-Avon. “We don’t have a ‘birthplace of Shakespeare’ though - yet - how much is it?” With workers in western economies increasingly under pressure from cheap off-shore labour , the Chinese are said to be very keen on encouraging a busine...

Education secretary Michael Gove today continued the government’s theme of everything being one big charitable effort by suggesting that any parents faced with summer-holidays being cancelled by the planned Virgin pilot’s walkout should step into the cockpit and fly the planes themselves. “It would be great if the wider aeroplane community could help with making sure that flights left on time,” said the Education Secretary. “I shall write to the airline and tell them there is nothing to stop airlines dropping all those training regulations if it means the planes can stay in the air.” The Education Secretary is keen to emphasise that it is vitally important that everyone in Britain focuses on how we can all serve each other, for free, out of the goodness of our hearts. “I had the idea just after I suggested that parents could replace striking teachers in classrooms,” said Gove. “You know these jobs can’t be that difficult, it’s not like these people are government ministers or anything....

End-of-the-pier summer show regular, Louis Walsh, was said to be angered today at allegations that he may have reached out and grabbed some 24 year old talent in a Dublin night-club. “Louis is devastated at the idea that he is being accused of being a talent spotter,” said pal Padraig O’Billingsworth. “He is vigorously denying the allegations and has plenty of evidence to support him.” Eyewitnesses say that Walsh first came to public notice as the handler of a troupe of performing freaks with learning difficulties that he had created in the secret laboratory on his island hideaway, known only as Ireland. “The first batch Louis made had very poor co-ordination and were basically mute, having not learned how to sing, ” said O’Billingsworth. “Or how to wear a shirt.” After more refinements in his Ireland lair, the proudly heterosexual band found fame under the macho-sounding name of “Boyzone”. The fact that all five members came from Dublin is a key piece of evidence against Walsh ever ma...

Serially rubbish soothsayer Pastor Harold Camping today predicted yet another date for the coming of the Rapture. It will now definitely arrive in October, giving believers plenty of time to send in their cheques and postal orders. “God, in his infinite compassion, would want to spare humanity 5 months of panic and suffering,” said ministry spokesman Pastor Harold Billingsworth. “So instead our ministry will fill His role, and spread fear across the world. But we can’t do it without your help, so remember to keep sending donations.” Many believers have been left bewildered and poverty stricken after spending their life savings following Pastor Harold Camping’s third prediction for the imminent end of the world being announced as 21st May, 2011. The Pastor was quick to re-assure his followers that his ministry would still be there for them. “If you assumed salvation on Saturday and thus have spent all your savings, don’t worry, I am sure God will help you get your old job back. Or a sec...

Slave rebellion leader, Spartacus, today attempted to quell rumours that he was the latest celebrity figure to have taken out a super-injunction preventing certain details of his life from being openly discussed. “I have nether had a Super-Injunction, nor have I ever had an affair with Gabby Logan,” said the leader of the Third Servile War on his Twitter account. “And it was a Roman trying to seduce Tony Curtis, not me.” Spartacus is the latest celebrity to be caught up in the Super-Injunction controversy, in which high-profile figures who make lavish livings out of complimentary publicity decide that only nice things should ever be written about them in newspapers. “Being a historical figure living over two thousand years ago, and living over seventeen hundred miles away in what you would now call South Western Bulgaria I am, of course a huge Manchester United fan,” said the former gladiator. “But I have never met Ryan Giggs and have no idea whether he like snails or oysters.” The reb...

The world's most high-profile expert on child neglect today welcomed the confirmation that the Prime Minister has instructed the Metropolitan Police to investigate the case of toddler Madeleine McCann, abducted when she was 3 years old. “We need to go over those tragic events four years ago in Praia da Luz,” said an insider. “Only then will we know what really happened after her parents neglected little Maddie.” Kate and Gerry McCann yesterday conducted a whirlwind round of press conferences and TV talk show appearances to promote their book on the events following their abandonment of their three small children in a holiday in Portugal. The book is a fund-raiser to continue the search and the promotion includes serialisation with The Sun, which has made so much money itself out of Maddie’s disappearance. “The Sun is right behind the McCann's, we have been serialising extracts from Kate's book, but not the bits about us publishing stories such as Maddie 'died in holiday...

With the news of the fatal wounding of crazed, terror leader “Colonel” Nick Clegg by a referendum result to the left eye, the power-brokers of the LibDem tyranny are jostling for appointment as the next self-serving bastard desperately grasping for power. “The news is that Clegg seems to have been taken out by the Conservative Intelligence Agency in a sting operation that lasted a year,” said an insider. “With Colonel Clegg losing his grasp on power, others are clamouring to follow him and self-appoint themselves to the role of Deputy Prime Minister." It has emerged that Conservative leader, Dave “I agree with stitching-up Nick” Cameron watched the conclusion of the operation from the Situation Room in Conservative Campaign Headquarters via a live satellite link. “Last May, after painstaking work to somehow get myself into power, I determined that we had enough intelligence to take action,” said the Prime Minister, “It was far from certain, and it took many months to be absolutely...

Today we all face the information overload: the constant bombardment from television, the internet, with emails and instant messaging filled with the lives of the Saints. This blinding highlight as to exactly why we are all going to hell. Not a day goes by for any of us in our sinful lives: whether we be bankers asking St Matthew for guidance on inflation, aircraft designers consulting with St Bona as to the coefficient of friction of air at -15C or drunk bus drivers asking St Christopher if the zebra crossing is clear, we all take direct guidance from the Saints. So with a new Saint to be taught to Catholic school children waiting to learn about far off planets and dinosaurs (which clearly don't exist) here are the all important stages to the imminent creation of St Pope John Paul II the Great:- Death :- The candidate must have been dead for 5 years. Or at least appear to be dead. Pope John Paul II couldn't resign and was wheeled out in an increasingly frail state when any com...

As the campaigning continues for the AV referendum, here is a handy cut-out-and-keep guide to where each of the major parties, and the Liberal Democrats, stand. The Conservatives The Conservatives feel that the current system is transparent, open and retains a direct link between an MP and his constituency duck house. The current system, whereby MPs can be elected with only 35% of the vote, supports a party so dismally nasty that they couldn’t win an outright majority over a Labour Party led by a man that had spent the previous 18 months being called 'wanker' by newspapers, CBeebies TV shows and his own mum. Labour Ed Milliband has, apparently, said that he will support a ‘Yes’ campaign. At least that was what Geoff said he thought he heard and he was closest to the toilet door. In the 80s the Labour Party was considered to be unelectable under first-past-the-post system, until Tony Blair turned the TUC wall map around and pointed out where communist Russia actually was. Aft...

News that the people of Iceland had voted 'No' in the referendum asking if they should pay back money to investors has been met by clamours from millions of British children who want to move to the mid-Atlantic island. “Daddy said that the people of Iceland did not have to follow rules and stuff. They don't have to take out rubbish or tidy their rooms or anything but they still get all their pocket money,” said Mary, aged 11. “I bet they also get to stay up late and eat just donut icing for their tea. It's probably why the country is called Iceland.” The demand from British children to move to Iceland came after the Icelandic government, led by the sloped-shouldered Prime Minister Jóhanna Sigurðardóttir, decided not to fulfil their international commitments. Since people might shout at them they decided to pass the buck onto the people who pay them to make such decisions on their behalf. “It is complicated to pay squillions and squillions back, since if we did it we...

As the rival camps set out their cases for the referendum in May, Nick Clegg, leading champion of the Yes campaign revealed his desire to spread AV to all walks of life and to realise his dream he was prepared to fight to the last councillor. "Alternative to Voting is a key principle that the LibDem people are fighting for, it is in fact the only LibDem policy in the Glorious People's Listening Revolutionary Coalition,” said the self-appointed Deputy Prime Minister . “And there is no reason why a simple 'first past the post system' should be able to decide anything.” Under the new Alternative to Voting system, traditions such as the competing party getting the most points being declared winners will be swept aside as the 2010 LibDem People's Democratic revolution continues. “I am, and I therefore assume everyone else is, a passionate supporter of football, steeplechasing and golf, just as I am a supporter of tuition fees for students, a privatised health system and...

Britain today accepted that it should “Just piss off” and leave the rest of Earth’s inhabitants to enjoy the benefits of a Britain-free existence. “You know, I’ve been thinking about it and yeah, the current world is all our fault, we've contributed nothing,” said Britain last night as it packed its bags. “Without Britain the world would be a very different place and we can only assume better.” Britain has faced criticism for decades, with it's national identity turning to an alcohol fuelled paranoia. “Oh, that Whiskey is good stuff, British invention you know. Yeah, we've done nothing of value, apart from the World Wide Web of course, or the electronic computer, or even the mechanical one for that matter. Nothing, that's what, we've done, nothing,” said Britain via a telephone interview. “Or the telephone, that was one of my mob that invented that.” Britain said that when you look at the state of the modern world it was forced to admit it really is all its fault,...

The UK government faces a bill potentially running into billions of pounds after apprentice Tom Jones tribute artist Muammar 'Colonel' Gaddafi filed claims against the extended warranties he had taken out on his anti-aircraft systems that he said had recently become “inoperative through normal use” “Yes, I felt a bit bullied by the man in the shop when I first took out the extended warranty on these tanks and missile systems, but I don't look mad now,” explained Colonel Gaddafi in his bright blue liberation uniform. With gold braids. And a big cap. “I want to emphasise that I was only using them as per the instruction manual when the British bombed them.” The Ministry Of Defence said that it was studying the claim carefully and if found to be valid it would launch a revision of its arms selling policies. “The extended warranty is something we always emphasis to purchasers of weapons systems since they often operate in very hostile environments and could be easily dama...

There were red faces in Whitehall last night as a freedom of information request forced the Ministry of Defence to admit that the Army was either lost or stolen. “In the last few years we have lost nearly our entire army,” explained Brigadier General Sir Herbert Billingsworth DSO. “We still have the Royal Nay though, it is currently patrolling the Serpentine in Hyde Park ." The news came after an MP requested information on the armed forces upon realising that it had been some time since anyone had seen the Army out and about and that it wasn’t answering the phone. “To be honest we did have a nagging feeling that something was awry, I used to have loads of soldiers all in lines at parades and the like, I needed a car to inspect them all,” said the Brigadier General. “I first became suspicious when I realised the inspection of active servicemen was finished as soon as I checked my driver's collar was turned down en route to the parade.” The Brigadier General said that ...

Campaigners trying to save the pristine, virgin countryside they say is threatened by proposals for a new High Speed line from Birmingham to London have run into an obstacle due to their principled stance against countryside damage and compulsory purchases. “We were going to go down to that there London, but it turns out it isn't at the end of our road,” explained campaigner Hillary Billingsworth, 35. “In fact London isn't even in our lovely, picturesque village, with its robust house prices.” The campaigners are concerned that the area around the Chilterns, which has lain untouched for hundreds of years after all the forests where cut down for farms and to build the Elizabethan royal navy, may have its character permanently altered by having trains run through it periodically. “This land has been just like it is now since I was born and, therefore, must always have been like this and, therefore, must always remain like this,” said Billingsworth. “Apparently some of these so-ca...