Surreal Scoop

Extract from “Time for Scotland” – available on the SurrealScoop Player:- The time is now 1825. As once again the clocks go back across the UK leading scientists and sociologists are campaigning to end the practice of moving back onto GMT for the entire country. They cite the benefits for both individual well being and road safety of having more daylight in the evenings. We are joined today by one of the leading campaigners for reform in this area, Professor Scott J. McBillingsworth. However Professor McBillingsworth would rather Scotland have its own time. Interviewer : Professor McBillingsworth welcome to “Time for Scotland” and may I start by saying that is a very interesting shirt? McBillingsworth : Nay, it's no a shirt, it's ma pyjama top, I got dressed in the dark. Forgot to put ma clock back didn't I? Living in England as most Scots do I find it is a complete inconvenience to put the clocks back just to appease highland farmers who don't want to milk in the dark....

Following the Strategic Defence and Security Review that identified cyber-terrorism as one of the key threats facing the country in the twenty-first century it has been announced that the remaining Royal Navy ship will be moved to patrol the key waterway of the boating lake in Hyde Park. “We feel this has many advantages for both the country and the Navy in maintaining operational effectiveness,” said Rear Admiral Horatio Billingsworth. “Myself and the remaining sailor can save on tube fares by sharing a flat near the Admiralty.” Billingsworth would not comment if the new austerity measures would extend to diplomatic trips abroad and include room sharing with the Foreign Secretary. The Royal Navy has emphasised that as part of the move, full operational effectiveness of the central London carrier will be achieved by re-equipping with a combination of air-sea helicopters and attack pedalos. “The reduction of the surface fleet to a single ship based at an artificial lake in central Londo...

Facebook, the massive Internet repository of what you are having for lunch and how many coins you have just won on FarmVille, has launched new “group” functions to ensure that users have more control over the information that they give to Facebook to hawk to the highest bidder. “It is not our information. It is people's information. We just have this strong philosophical belief in distracting you from what we are actually doing with your data,” said Mark Billingsberg at the launch of the new features. “All of your data belongs to you and sits on our servers to be demographically mined to help massive corporations sell to you.” The latest groups features enable Facebook users to limit data they share publicly to only those people with they have their most intimate relationships, whether they are friends, family, colleagues or the marketing demographic requests from mobile phone companies. “With groups we will be able to identify thousands of circles of twenty something males and sha...

With the formal continuation of the US Military’s “Don’t ask, Don’t tell” guidance to homosexuals who wish to risk their lives for a country that doesn’t want them to exist, senior figures in the Pentagon are planning to extend the policy to other areas. “It’s an effective policy approach. All the things that we don’t want to admit are in the US Army, well we simply won’t ask people about them and so they won’t be there,” said General George C Billingsworth. “Being a Russian Spy will be next.” The new approach will mean that if you are spying for the Kremlin then as long as you don’t tell anyone no one will ask and you can continue your career as an archivist at NORAD headquarters. “Just as America doesn’t want American gays fighting for America in America’s military, and similarly we don’t want Russian spies either,” said General Billingsworth. “There are risks for this policy – that of remaining covert. But again the similarity is that we do not want either the Russians or the gays s...