Surreal Scoop

It may be 50 years since those events that changed the world, but today new evidence is revealed as to what really happened in Dealey Plaza.

The career of former gopher spokesman, Phillip Schofield, was said to be in danger of remaining as fatuous as ever amid the fallout from his interview with David Cameron. “ it is essential that it is understood that I would never be part of any kind of journalism,” said the professional recipe taster. “I am deeply sorry if it appeared that I was doing so from a mis-judged career angle.” The row erupted after the part-time ice skating talent show host presented the PM with a list of names that he had found on the internet and that he insisted where those of known paedophiles. The names are listed below to ensure that justice is served for those who suffered at the hands of the “This Morning” production ring:- The one with his hand up Gordon the Gopher. When it wasn't me of course That one who is Scottish and was often shown on Question Time wearing a blue tie. The junior government minister for health in the 70s. Or was it 80s? Or was it education? His brother. ...

Surreal Scoop, in common with the excellent journalists at the country’s finest newspapers, and the Daily Mail, would like to express our sincere disgust that - despite 40 years of turning a blind-eye and a failure to investigate these terrible rumours that apparently everyone knew about - we can now safely pin the blame on a BBC employee who took an editorial decision several months after Jimmy Savile’s death. It is sickening to think of the depraved acts inflicted upon the innocent, and sometimes mentally impaired, members of the press who had to fend off inappropriate moves from the bejewelled paedo as we celebrated:- Jimmy Savile hard at it, up all night. As a porter in Leeds Hospital Jimmy Savile puffing and panting his way through numerous charity marathon runs Jimmy Savile down on his knees to receive his OBE, and his Knighthood Instead, we can now reveal after only forty years of not following rumours that Jimmy Savile was:- a serial paedophile a powerful media mog...

End-of-the-pier summer show regular, Louis Walsh, was said to be angered today at allegations that he may have reached out and grabbed some 24 year old talent in a Dublin night-club. “Louis is devastated at the idea that he is being accused of being a talent spotter,” said pal Padraig O’Billingsworth. “He is vigorously denying the allegations and has plenty of evidence to support him.” Eyewitnesses say that Walsh first came to public notice as the handler of a troupe of performing freaks with learning difficulties that he had created in the secret laboratory on his island hideaway, known only as Ireland. “The first batch Louis made had very poor co-ordination and were basically mute, having not learned how to sing, ” said O’Billingsworth. “Or how to wear a shirt.” After more refinements in his Ireland lair, the proudly heterosexual band found fame under the macho-sounding name of “Boyzone”. The fact that all five members came from Dublin is a key piece of evidence against Walsh ever ma...

Pablo Billingsworth, 38, a retired IT consultant from the Northwest of England said that his new High Definition television had enabled him to really explore deep into a TV presenter’s very essence revealing detail previously unavailable to light entertainment viewers. “The picture clarity is just amazing, absolutely stunning,” said Mr Billingsworth. “You can see vivid colours, stunning movement and detail. And look, there you can actually see the waves of self loathing circling Paddy McGuinness’s soul when he presents ‘Take Me Out’.” Mr Billingsworth said that the past few months he had spent with his new Samsung LED TV had revealed to him the breathtaking shallowness of Britain’s TV presenters. “You just see such detail. The lack of depth and the coldness is all just brought into such an incredibly sharp focus,” he explained. “It is a humbling experience to peer into the depths of Vernon Kaye’s eyes during ‘Family Fortunes’. You can almost feel the vivid tones of cash that are shield...

As the nation waits eagerly for the first of the televised debates between party leaders in the run up to this year’s general election it has been revealed that the shows may actually be cancelled due to the demands being placed upon organisers by the three main political parties. “There is the expected posturing about the make-up of the audience and the proportion of supporters for each party,” said TV insider. “Labour wants more as it has a majority in the Commons, the Tories want more because they are ahead in the polls and the Liberal Democrats want more because Nick Clegg has more Gs in his name than the other leaders.” Other demands that have been revealed are that David Cameron wants a bowl containing only blue M&Ms to be within arm’s reach throughout the debate and that Gordon Brown has insisted that he has a swivel chair and a pure white kitten to stroke throughout each televised debate. None of the parties will agree on letting Alex Salmond of the Scottish Nationalist’s w...

Sources within ITV revealed that the one time television maker plans to increase it's quality output with a new show whose aim is for one group of contestants to drive another player to commit suicide. “Embarrassment has always been a corner stone of Saturday night on ITV,” said the source. “Of course traditionally it has been the viewer embarrassed for Cheryl Cole struggling with English or the cringe-worthiness of Ant and Dec, whichever is which, fluffing their lines during their ad-libs. But now we want to take it to the next level.” Following on from ‘Take Me Out’ and its predecessor ‘Man O Man’ the new show, provisionally entitled “Men are Tossers” is to have several dozen women physically and verbally abuse a male contestant until he breaks down and commits suicide. ITV plans a big advertising slot for the break in-between its show-piece rounds called “Waxing” and “Dude looks like a lady” - the final round in which a section of the audience on a hen-night strip the contestant...

Britain is reeling from the revelation that ITV has paid Jordan £350k for her stint in “I'm a celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here” and will actually be in the jungle a week less than the other contestants. “I am utterly disgusted,” said John Billingsworth. “That is why I started the JFO fund. If we can raise £35m maybe she can be kept out of the country for a year.” ITV has previously said that it was sending Jordan to Australia not as some sort of vulgar and populist attempt at grabbing ratings but as part of its public service broadcasting remit. “By taking someone of Jordan's intellect from the UK to Australia we immediately raise the average IQ of Great Britain,” said a spokesman. “In fact we also raise that of Australia too.” The Australian government, after having the plan explained to them several times, is now offering to raise £1m to pay Jordan not to come to their country at all. “Australia has worked hard over the last decade to remove the stereotype of ignorance, arroganc...

Following Jonathan Ross’s assertion that he is worth every penny of his £6m a year salary, parents have been warned about the inflationary pressure this may put on the pocket-money demands of 13 year old boys. “It’s so unfair! I only get about £20 a week and I like talking about boobs and girls arses too,” said Derren Billingsworth, 13. “I spend a lot of time making wanking jokes on Friday nights too.” Whilst the salary demands of those who talk about masturbation and breasts are seen to be beyond all but the wealthiest broadcasting corporations, it is believed that should the BBC wish to consider a reduction in so-called ‘talent costs’ there are plenty of people capable of stepping into Ross’s shoes. “Only on a Friday night? You could start ‘Wanking 24’ with our Derren,” said Kate Billingsworth, Derren’s mum. “He’d have enough for the radio show too, if that’s what you was after.” “I read comics too, and I would do programmes on Japanese Manga porn comics for, like, no extra money,” s...

Veteran sex talk expert Andrew Sachs, most famous for receiving details of his granddaughter’s sex-life in filth laden voicemail messages, today announced that all the publicity he garnered from having voicemail enabled on his phone has landed him with a role in Coronation Street. "I have been absurdly busy since this whole Ross business, " said the actor famous for shrinking from all the attention by standing outside his house and talking to any journalist within yelling distance. Friends of Sachs, who was popular in the seventies for saying "Que", said that he hoped that he could do for Jonathan Ross what the segment on Russell Brand’s radio show had done for his career. "He’s in discussions with Granada TV about Ross having a cameo," said a show business pal. "It’s a shame that Georgina didn’t bend over for Brand a few years ago, Andrew might have had more work." It is not known whether Sach’s shy and retiring granddaughter, Georgina Bailli, w...

The BBC today received more complaints from disgruntled licence payers unhappy with the corporation's recent output and expressing dismay at the much anticipated Christmas schedule. “I have scoured the festive double issue of the Radio Times,” said an angry Herbert Billingsworth from Tunbridge Wells in Kent. “I have been through all the TV and radio listings and there are no programmes discussing where a celebrity's cock has been.” Mr Billingsworth was expressing his concern that there was nothing in the Christmas schedule for the tens of millions of people who apparently listen to smutty talk of famous lives, judging from recent complaint rates. “There was some hope that the corporation was turning itself around, making some programmes that might appeal to me,” said Mr Billingsworth. “However it is all just Hollywood blockbusters, ground breaking documentaries and Wallace and Gromit reading the news. There don't appear to be any shows exploring which comedian has done the ...

Football fans were today absorbing the freshly published match schedules for this month's European Championship and the growing realisation that millions of people would have to deal with the vagaries of match times dependant on Britain's soaps. “Whilst Euro2008 will be watched by billions of people all over the world we at UEFA understand that millions of men want to be able to view the championship at home in safety,” said UEFA President Michel Platini. “There is nothing more dangerous than a knife wielding menopausal harridan who has been deprived of the latest screaming session on Eastenders.” UEFA say that this is the natural progression in their attempts to expand the appeal of football not just internationally, but also to women. “We have taken great steps, following the widespread suffering caused by the Champion's League final moving Corrie,” said M. Platini. “Cristiano Ronaldo has made it clear that, after five years living in Manchester, he would be unable to com...

Giles Billingsworth, one of the leading lights of television shopping, was today celebrating landing one of the prized jobs in his industry when he was confirmed as the face of "Alan's 'lectrics" in the Camden Lock market. "It was a great opportunity that I simply could not pass-up," said Mr Billingsworth of his new appointment. "You know you work hard all those years knocking out pots and pans and embroidery sets at 2am, this makes it all worthwhile." Giles, recently voted 23rd in a poll of housewives favourite camp presenters, said that there was fierce competition in the tele-shopping industry to land such career enhancing roles. "TV shopping is great, but there is more to the true craft than talking to a producer who is pretending to be a caller gushing about a set of tea-towels," said Billingsworth. ""Everyone is trying to get that high-profile role at the front of the stall, dealing with real people directly and tackling r...

After years of continual sniping at contemporary music, movies and television, 77 year old Alistair Billingsworth has finally admitted that there is nothing in today's culture that he likes. Mr Billingsworth made the announcement during the Christmas period when some family members wanted to watch programmes on channels other than ITV3. "Catherine Tate – rubbish, utter rubbish, just like that Little Britain, it's just the same jokes over and over again." he said. "The Two Ronnies was on all day on ITV3. I had seen it the 70s of course, but that was why I wanted to watch them. New stuff such as that ‘Extras’ is bound to be just people talking. It’s not funny unless a fat man dresses up as a woman. And sings." After watching over 16 hours of the Two Ronnies over Christmas Eve and into Christmas Day including the same episode on 3 occasions, Alistair relented and let his grandchildren watch the hit movie Shrek 2. "That was rubbish as well, it didn't ha...

Thousands of TV viewers were today leaving hospital across the country after news that long running shout-a-thon ‘The Bill’ was to continue for several more years. "When I heard that one of the main character’s contracts was not being renewed I got my hopes up that The Bill was to be axed," said soap addict Gillian upon leaving hospital in Kirkcaldy. "It turns out that the actual programme will continue, it is so depressing that there won’t be anything uplifting being made to replace it." Accident and Emergency wards in many of the nation’s hospitals were today releasing patients who had found the news that the terminally lingering soap opera was to continue too much to take. "We have had several people come in with slashed wrists, one man in particular took the news very badly," said a spokesman for St George’s Hospital in London. "He said he was unable to deal with this and the fact that Helen Worth who plays Gail Platt (née Potter; previously Tilsl...

In another blow to award winning* broadcaster ITV it has emerged that the entire first week’s filming of the new series of "I’m a Celebrity, get me out of here!" has been lost due to an extremely embarrassing error by producers. "We are so very sorry for the dreadful mix-up, and rest assured that it was a mistake that was easy to make and at no point, this time, were we trying to defraud anyone." explained Chief Executive, Sir Gerald Billingsworth. "The irony is that our efforts to be honest may have caused the problem." The programme’s producers explained that since it is another vehicle for Ant and Dec they have been forced to devote so much time to ensure that there are no further irregularities with phone vote revenues that they failed to check the results of each day’s filming. "For the last week we have inadvertently been showing footage of the staff from the five-star hotel next door to the filming location," explained Sir Gerald. "I...

Albert and Ada Billingsworth are to finally hang up their wide range of scowls, frowns and grimaces and retire from the world of Television and Film after a career spanning four decades. "We have been very lucky and stood in the background behind some apparently great young stars," said Ada. "Being in this business so long we have had a chance to play all of the truly great parts, from disapproving and unhappy to angry and confused. It's time to hand over and give someone just slightly younger than us a chance." The Guinness Book of Records confirms the couple as having the most credited and scripted appearances in film and television, having appeared in every genre including comedies, sit-coms, comedy sketch-shows, and comedy variety shows. "Our main pieces of business are to look on disapprovingly as the star does something novel or outgoing," said Ada whose most recent appearance was during the recent car test through the crowded streets of Liverpoo...

Following the success of channels such as 'Channel4+1', which show a conventional channel's programme stream delayed by one hour, ITV has planned an innovative service of its own. “We realise that viewers want increased choice and flexibility from their broadcasters, so we plan to introduce a new service enabling our viewers to miss our programmes more easily,” explained Gerald Billingsworth, head of Light Entertainment at Granada. “Unlike Channel 4 which has provocative and innovative programmes, compared to our cheap derivative offerings. We will be introducing 'ITV1 -1' so that viewers can tune in at the scheduled time and have the wonderful surprise of having missed the programme that was broadcast an hour ago.” ITV is working closely with its broadcast partners Virgin Media and Sky to integrate sophisticated programme skipping functionality into their respective V+ and Sky + personal video recorders. “We have talked to the ITV viewer and they have spoken loudly...

In a surprise move, Channel 4 has introduced former Prime Minister Tony Blair and his wife Cherie as the latest occupants of the Big Brother house. Mr Blair’s sponsors have backed the move confirmed a spokesman for the quartet of the UN, EU, USA and Russia. "The level of conflict within the house has been escalating to a point where only someone who has had the successes of Mr Blair can hope to bring a sense of normality," said Kurt Billingsworthski of the quartet referring to the Northern Ireland peace process. "Let me be clear, this task will require a huge intensity of focus and work," said Mr Blair as he entered the house on Friday night as a replacement for evictee Billi Bhati. Mr Blair got straight down to the task, when at 1am he was asked if people with short or long hair should have priority with the limited hair styling resources, he calmed the housemates instantly with a small speech delivered through the toilet door. "Look, we need to bring people t...

Today bosses at struggling channel ITV have announced that all programming will be replaced with videos from YouTube. "We have to react to the ever changing and challenging world of Television, " said Gerald Billingsworth, head of Light Entertainment at Granada TV. "Our competitors such as the BBC have produced innovative, entertaining and informative programming. However we aren’t in a position to do that." Mr Billingsworth said that the ITV programme management team had expended a great amount of research effort in trying to understand where ITV’s current programming output can fit in the new digital, on-demand, multichannel world. "We liked the BBC deal with YouTube but we realised that they have quality programming to offer," he reveals. "Whereas ours is increasingly dependent on members of the public filling our airtime. So we thought, ‘why not just show all those videos from YouTube?’" The actors’ union Equity has welcomed the news, as it w...