50 years on new evidence at Dealey Plaza

It may be 50 years since those events that changed the world, but today new evidence is revealed as to what really happened in Dealey Plaza.

Phillip Schofield victim of unfounded accusations of journalism

The career of former gopher spokesman, Phillip Schofield, was said to be in danger of remaining as fatuous as ever amid the fallout from his interview with David Cameron.

“it is essential that it is understood that I would never be part of any kind of journalism,” said the professional recipe taster. “I am deeply sorry if it appeared that I was doing so from a mis-judged career angle.”

The row erupted after the part-time ice skating talent show host presented the PM with a list of names that he had found on the internet and that he insisted where those of known paedophiles. The names are listed below to ensure that justice is served for those who suffered at the hands of the “This Morning” production ring:-

• The one with his hand up Gordon the Gopher. When it wasn't me of course
• That one who is Scottish and was often shown on Question Time wearing a blue tie.
• The junior government minister for health in the 70s. Or was it 80s? Or was it education?
• His brother.
• Or maybe sister.
• Just checked and the EveshamTileShowroom discussion forum users say it was both the brother and the sister.
• Thinking about it Gordon wasn't very old, so maybe me too.
• That one who wasn't gay until he was. You know, the one who wore that hat. It's on his wikipedia page.
• Or was it a scarf?

Co-presenter Rachel Billingsworth has repeatedly apologised on air to anyone who had been upset by the item being featured on “This Morning”.

“We understand our viewers were not expecting to encounter real-world issues and, rest-assured this won't happen again, the programme will revert to only showing cooking items following by slimming tips, as normal,” said Billingsworth “So, text in if you want us to show Richard Madeley doing that Ali G impression again? Remember we have already picked the result but you will be charged for the text regardless.”

Daily Mail Wants To Know Why Newsnight Didn’t Use TARDIS To Stop Paedo Savile

Surreal Scoop, in common with the excellent journalists at the country’s finest newspapers, and the Daily Mail, would like to express our sincere disgust that - despite 40 years of turning a blind-eye and a failure to investigate these terrible rumours that apparently everyone knew about - we can now safely pin the blame on a BBC employee who took an editorial decision several months after Jimmy Savile’s death.


It is sickening to think of the depraved acts inflicted upon the innocent, and sometimes mentally impaired, members of the press who had to fend off inappropriate moves from the bejewelled paedo as we celebrated:-

• Jimmy Savile hard at it, up all night. As a porter in Leeds Hospital
• Jimmy Savile puffing and panting his way through numerous charity marathon runs
• Jimmy Savile down on his knees to receive his OBE, and his Knighthood

Instead, we can now reveal after only forty years of not following rumours that Jimmy Savile was:-

• a serial paedophile
• a powerful media mogul able to squash any sort of accusation decades after he left television and radio. And indeed after he had died
• a close cohort of IRA terrorists which stopped us telling everyone he was a paedophile - although now we think of it the IRA link is probably a story we should have followed up
• making his necklaces and rings made of the finest Nazi gold
• unable to account for his whereabouts on 23/11/1963 when telltale smoke from a long instrument, fancifully thought of as a rifle by many but now probably his cigar, was spotted on the Grassy Knoll in Dealey Plaza
• supplier EPO to Lance Armstrong. Why not?
• forcing the Greek government borrow huge sums of money. We are all getting screwed there

The real travesty, however, is that for forty years the BBC had a well known medical expert, Dr Who, on the payroll and even after Savile was dead failed to use the TARDIS to go back in time and prevent the perverted DJs reign of terror.

“The BBC and George Entwistle are clearly negligent in not using the TARDIS to answer my very important questions about who authorised what forty years ago,” said Peter Billingsworth, MP (Con) (Twat).

Oh and some bashing about license fees and lefty bias.

Louis Walsh Angered Over Claims He Spotted Talent In Dublin Night-Club

End-of-the-pier summer show regular, Louis Walsh, was said to be angered today at allegations that he may have reached out and grabbed some 24 year old talent in a Dublin night-club.

“Louis is devastated at the idea that he is being accused of being a talent spotter,” said pal Padraig O’Billingsworth. “He is vigorously denying the allegations and has plenty of evidence to support him.”

Eyewitnesses say that Walsh first came to public notice as the handler of a troupe of performing freaks with learning difficulties that he had created in the secret laboratory on his island hideaway, known only as Ireland.

“The first batch Louis made had very poor co-ordination and were basically mute, having not learned how to sing, ” said O’Billingsworth. “Or how to wear a shirt.”



After more refinements in his Ireland lair, the proudly heterosexual band found fame under the macho-sounding name of “Boyzone”. The fact that all five members came from Dublin is a key piece of evidence against Walsh ever making a play for any talent in the city.

“Louis never stopped experimenting though, he was keen that he could come out with something even more fabulous than Boyzone,” said O’Billingsworth. “And so the next batch from the vat in his lab became known as Westlife. This time they could talk, dress and walk normally, but they weren’t bright, Louis did have to explain to them that ‘Boyz II Men’ was not a day care centre.”

Mr Walsh has said that once he has cleared his name of the allegations in Dublin he wants his fans to know that he will return to work as a judge on the popular karaoke stall at the summer fair and that there will be new surprises in store.

“Oh it will be fabulous darling,” said O’Billingsworth. “Louis will be fired up to completely fail to spot talent again and what’s more after the show he will be running the bingo where he will be master of the balls.”

HD reveals the “depth of TV presenters’ souls”

Pablo Billingsworth, 38, a retired IT consultant from the Northwest of England said that his new High Definition television had enabled him to really explore deep into a TV presenter’s very essence revealing detail previously unavailable to light entertainment viewers.

“The picture clarity is just amazing, absolutely stunning,” said Mr Billingsworth. “You can see vivid colours, stunning movement and detail. And look, there you can actually see the waves of self loathing circling Paddy McGuinness’s soul when he presents ‘Take Me Out’.”

Mr Billingsworth said that the past few months he had spent with his new Samsung LED TV had revealed to him the breathtaking shallowness of Britain’s TV presenters.

“You just see such detail. The lack of depth and the coldness is all just brought into such an incredibly sharp focus,” he explained. “It is a humbling experience to peer into the depths of Vernon Kaye’s eyes during ‘Family Fortunes’. You can almost feel the vivid tones of cash that are shielding his fundamental being from the vacuum of being a sex-texting publicity funnel for his wife’s publishing career.”

Mr Billingsworth says that for him, High Definition is less about the presentation of a glorious image but more that the viewing experience is brought to life by opening up layers of hitherto invisible detail.

“We have always been able to look at the ‘Graham Norton Show’ and see the bright vividness of the sets and the majestic way each of his peals of hysterical laughter at his latest knob-gag is rendered into the sound of a hyena being flushed into a tunnel,” said Billingsworth. “Now we can peal away the orangeness of both the set and the man himself. We can see the deep underlying tones of the flaking paint of a seaside theatre dressing room, the broken bulbs of the make-up mirror and the echoing of sobs for a career with the breadth of a single line of HD pixels. It’s very satisfying.”

Mr Billingsworth said that he was looking forward to the full range of BBC channels going HD, which would enable him to take in the spectacular vista of Richard Hammond.

“I think it will be amazing to see his soul during ‘Total Wipeout’,” said Pablo. “I expect it will be like watching high quality images of the craters on the surface of the moon. I’ll be able to see the detailed printing on each fifty pound note that quickly fills each pock-mark created by taking cart-loads of cash for voicing puns over clips of prat-falling contestants that he will never meet.”

However even the latest technology is insufficient to reveal the hidden depths of some presenters.

“My TV will do over three million different shades of black,” said Billingsworth. “But even that isn’t enough to reveal anything interesting about Ant and Dec.”

TV debates de-railed by Party Leaders’ demands

As the nation waits eagerly for the first of the televised debates between party leaders in the run up to this year’s general election it has been revealed that the shows may actually be cancelled due to the demands being placed upon organisers by the three main political parties.

“There is the expected posturing about the make-up of the audience and the proportion of supporters for each party,” said TV insider. “Labour wants more as it has a majority in the Commons, the Tories want more because they are ahead in the polls and the Liberal Democrats want more because Nick Clegg has more Gs in his name than the other leaders.”

Other demands that have been revealed are that David Cameron wants a bowl containing only blue M&Ms to be within arm’s reach throughout the debate and that Gordon Brown has insisted that he has a swivel chair and a pure white kitten to stroke throughout each televised debate. None of the parties will agree on letting Alex Salmond of the Scottish Nationalist’s watch through a window during a mass debating session.

“The TV companies think they can accommodate David Cameron’s insistence that he only be viewed in soft focus,” said the insider. “Whilst Gordon Brown is requesting that the audience cheer every time he finishes a sentence by doing that thing with his jaw.”

Despite all the back-stage wrangling, the broadcasters and political parties are united in their understanding that what the British people want to see is an engaging and exciting spectacle that will enthral people the length and breadth of the nation. They know that the public wants to be glued to their seats for the full 90 minutes and cheering their side on as they push for the final stage of their quest for the ultimate prize.

“These Wednesday night match-ups will be a crucial time before the big finale in May,” said viewer Herbert Billingsworth of Trowbridge. “That is why I won’t be missing the Champion’s League semi-finals for any political debate.”

New game show attempts to drive contestants to suicide

Sources within ITV revealed that the one time television maker plans to increase it's quality output with a new show whose aim is for one group of contestants to drive another player to commit suicide.

“Embarrassment has always been a corner stone of Saturday night on ITV,” said the source. “Of course traditionally it has been the viewer embarrassed for Cheryl Cole struggling with English or the cringe-worthiness of Ant and Dec, whichever is which, fluffing their lines during their ad-libs. But now we want to take it to the next level.”

Following on from ‘Take Me Out’ and its predecessor ‘Man O Man’ the new show, provisionally entitled “Men are Tossers” is to have several dozen women physically and verbally abuse a male contestant until he breaks down and commits suicide. ITV plans a big advertising slot for the break in-between its show-piece rounds called “Waxing” and “Dude looks like a lady” - the final round in which a section of the audience on a hen-night strip the contestant naked and force him to walk around with his genitals tucked between his legs.

“Our advertisers will love it, most of them already base their high-brow concept sales pitches on the idea that men are stupid,” said the mole. “This will put ITV back at the top – we are just waiting for the moment when one of the men slips that he leaves the toilet seat up – we have ordered the stun guns ready for the day!””

The programme is the latest in a series of steps by the troubled broadcaster to try and win back an audience that has found more enjoyment in multi-channel TV, the internet and the fun of sticking rusty forks in their eyes.

“We really want to maximise this programme and so have tied up with the Daily Mail,” said the source. “Anything that helps the female population to synchronise their blob-strops.”

Regardless of the success of this show ITV has been quick to deny that it has any plans to produce a version of the show where men set out to humiliate women.

“Oh no,” said the insider. “That would be sexist.”

“Jordan of the Jungle” receives £350k for a week less “work” than the other celebrities – Britain offers more

Britain is reeling from the revelation that ITV has paid Jordan £350k for her stint in “I'm a celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here” and will actually be in the jungle a week less than the other contestants.

“I am utterly disgusted,” said John Billingsworth. “That is why I started the JFO fund. If we can raise £35m maybe she can be kept out of the country for a year.”

ITV has previously said that it was sending Jordan to Australia not as some sort of vulgar and populist attempt at grabbing ratings but as part of its public service broadcasting remit.

“By taking someone of Jordan's intellect from the UK to Australia we immediately raise the average IQ of Great Britain,” said a spokesman. “In fact we also raise that of Australia too.”

The Australian government, after having the plan explained to them several times, is now offering to raise £1m to pay Jordan not to come to their country at all.

“Australia has worked hard over the last decade to remove the stereotype of ignorance, arrogance and day-glo skin that has so stigmatised our nation,” said Prime Minister Kevin Rudd. “Jordan's presence, if only for a fortnight, could set the national statistics back years.”

The model whose long and difficult to spell real name is Katie Price, is unable to join the other contestants for the first week of eating worms due to work commitments in the United States as the face of Orange Plasticine.

After being notified of her presence, the Los Angeles Department of Public Health was today arranging for an emergency airlift to remove Ms Price, a known Bitch Flu carrier, from the US after a reported outbreak of the virus in a TV studio.

“I was in her presence for only six minutes during the interview, six minutes, and I came down with bitch flu, it just came over me like a wave of orange nausea,” said chat show host Chelsea Handler explaining why she had hastily ended her interview of Jordan with : “I’m not going to ask you anything anymore. It’s your business what you want to do. You can go live with your horses and your kids and get botox – I don’t give a shit!”

13 year old boys “are worth £6 million a year”

Following Jonathan Ross’s assertion that he is worth every penny of his £6m a year salary, parents have been warned about the inflationary pressure this may put on the pocket-money demands of 13 year old boys.

“It’s so unfair! I only get about £20 a week and I like talking about boobs and girls arses too,” said Derren Billingsworth, 13. “I spend a lot of time making wanking jokes on Friday nights too.”

Whilst the salary demands of those who talk about masturbation and breasts are seen to be beyond all but the wealthiest broadcasting corporations, it is believed that should the BBC wish to consider a reduction in so-called ‘talent costs’ there are plenty of people capable of stepping into Ross’s shoes.

“Only on a Friday night? You could start ‘Wanking 24’ with our Derren,” said Kate Billingsworth, Derren’s mum. “He’d have enough for the radio show too, if that’s what you was after.”

“I read comics too, and I would do programmes on Japanese Manga porn comics for, like, no extra money,” said Master Billingsworth. “Although I’d need a few minutes alone with the books to prepare.”

“Not only would my Derren be perfect for the role,” said Mrs Billingsworth. “He would probably even be discreet about why he was nipping to the toilet after interviewing Gwyneth Paltrow and would make sure he took his radio microphone off beforehand.”

The BBC has announced that it is reviewing the contracts of its presenters with a view to future salary reductions and it has analysed the levels of supply and demand for unattractive males to promise to have sex with attractive film-stars.

“Our requirements are for someone who dresses appallingly, is obsessed with making sexual remarks at inappropriate times and who doesn’t speak clearly, ” said a BBC spokesman. “So yes, a 13 year old boy would be perfect.”

Manuel to join Coronation Street – Jonathan Ross to make a guest appearance?

Veteran sex talk expert Andrew Sachs, most famous for receiving details of his granddaughter’s sex-life in filth laden voicemail messages, today announced that all the publicity he garnered from having voicemail enabled on his phone has landed him with a role in Coronation Street.

"I have been absurdly busy since this whole Ross business, " said the actor famous for shrinking from all the attention by standing outside his house and talking to any journalist within yelling distance.

Friends of Sachs, who was popular in the seventies for saying "Que", said that he hoped that he could do for Jonathan Ross what the segment on Russell Brand’s radio show had done for his career.

"He’s in discussions with Granada TV about Ross having a cameo," said a show business pal. "It’s a shame that Georgina didn’t bend over for Brand a few years ago, Andrew might have had more work."

It is not known whether Sach’s shy and retiring granddaughter, Georgina Bailli, will also get a role in the show.

"It’s all about getting the right part. There has been some talk of Ken Barlow visiting a dominatrix to be treated as her slave," said the pal. "This is something that is right up Bailli’s alley – if you pardon the imagery."

However scriptwriters are struggling with the believability of anyone from Greater Manchester being able to afford the £110 an hour asking price.

As for Sach’s role itself, all concerned are remaining tight-lipped – unlike his granddaughter. There are rumours that Weatherfield’s first phone sex-line may soon open for business specialising in talk of Germans, psychiatrists and rats.

"I know Andrew wants to say thanks to all the raving Daily Mail readers who complained," said the showbiz pal. "Before they all die from exploding veins in their temples."

Licence Payer slams BBC for the amount of filth in the Christmas schedules

The BBC today received more complaints from disgruntled licence payers unhappy with the corporation's recent output and expressing dismay at the much anticipated Christmas schedule.

“I have scoured the festive double issue of the Radio Times,” said an angry Herbert Billingsworth from Tunbridge Wells in Kent. “I have been through all the TV and radio listings and there are no programmes discussing where a celebrity's cock has been.”

Mr Billingsworth was expressing his concern that there was nothing in the Christmas schedule for the tens of millions of people who apparently listen to smutty talk of famous lives, judging from recent complaint rates.

“There was some hope that the corporation was turning itself around, making some programmes that might appeal to me,” said Mr Billingsworth. “However it is all just Hollywood blockbusters, ground breaking documentaries and Wallace and Gromit reading the news. There don't appear to be any shows exploring which comedian has done the attention-seeking granddaughter of which fading celebrity and if a sofa was involved.”

He said that he was going to complain again to OfCom about the corporation's output

“I complained recently, but clearly nobody listens,” he said. “There was nothing in the Radio Times to tell me there would be a discussion on how much Manual's granddaughter likes to be taken from behind – I had to read all about it afterwards in the Daily Mail, like nearly everyone else who complained.”

Mr Billingsworth has not given up hope for some festive entertainment and is pinning his hopes on the flag-ship programme of Christmas day.

“The Queen looks after her subjects,” he said. “Hopefully she might have some snippets from her voicemail of an X-Factor contestant who has done Princess Eugenie up against a bus shelter.”

The BBC has defended its output saying that it was fulfilling its duty as a public service broadcaster to provide programmes for all areas of society.

“We refute these complaints most strongly,” said a BBC statement. “Ross and Brand may have been a one-off special, but there are plenty of regular discussion programmes where famous people describe how they have fucked the youth of this country, such as Question Time or Newsnight.”

Euro 2008 rescheduled for the soaps

Football fans were today absorbing the freshly published match schedules for this month's European Championship and the growing realisation that millions of people would have to deal with the vagaries of match times dependant on Britain's soaps.

“Whilst Euro2008 will be watched by billions of people all over the world we at UEFA understand that millions of men want to be able to view the championship at home in safety,” said UEFA President Michel Platini. “There is nothing more dangerous than a knife wielding menopausal harridan who has been deprived of the latest screaming session on Eastenders.”

UEFA say that this is the natural progression in their attempts to expand the appeal of football not just internationally, but also to women.

“We have taken great steps, following the widespread suffering caused by the Champion's League final moving Corrie,” said M. Platini. “Cristiano Ronaldo has made it clear that, after five years living in Manchester, he would be unable to complete any match that kicked off after 1930 unless half-time was extended to an hour to allow the soaps to be broadcast. Indeed the players will be able to watch on the big screens whilst having their tea in the centre circle.”

TV experts say that whilst the viewing demographic may be different, in reality the contents of both programmes are complementary.

“Our viewers want to watch overpaid people with good hair but bad acting skills, crying and pretending to be hurt,” said Paul Billingsworth, TV journalist at the leading oestrogen fuelled broadcaster GMTV. “You get more of that rubbish during each football match.”

QVC presenter lands “dream market stall role”

Giles Billingsworth, one of the leading lights of television shopping, was today celebrating landing one of the prized jobs in his industry when he was confirmed as the face of "Alan's 'lectrics" in the Camden Lock market.

"It was a great opportunity that I simply could not pass-up," said Mr Billingsworth of his new appointment. "You know you work hard all those years knocking out pots and pans and embroidery sets at 2am, this makes it all worthwhile."

Giles, recently voted 23rd in a poll of housewives favourite camp presenters, said that there was fierce competition in the tele-shopping industry to land such career enhancing roles.

"TV shopping is great, but there is more to the true craft than talking to a producer who is pretending to be a caller gushing about a set of tea-towels," said Billingsworth. ""Everyone is trying to get that high-profile role at the front of the stall, dealing with real people directly and tackling real issues – such as why the packaging is damaged and covered in broken glass."

Mr Billingsworth said that he was looking forward not just to a higher profile role at an open air market, compared to a barely watched digital TV channel, but also hoping to explore the true art of selling tat.

"When you tread the boards, you are really part of the creative process," he said. "The real art, where you give so much of yourself to the craft, is less about repeating the same script of product specs night after night. Instead you are able to get a real empathy with your audience. Or whether he is just a nark on the lookout for dodgy DVDs"

For Giles it this intensity of the live performance and not just the money, that had lured him to the open air market.

"The TV role is draining – acting astonished, hour after hour, at each bout of pre-rehearsed price slashing. I wanted to get back to be a true creative, back to the amateur dramatics of the cake stall at my village fête when I was a teenager," he said. "There is nothing like the smell greasy burgers or the roar of the two-stroke generator when you are doing that matinee performance on a Saturday. When you are in a studio, with only the unblinking eye of the cold camera lens for company, you rarely get the thrill of running away from the coppers with a suitcase of knocked-off watches."

Billingsworth says that he has not turned his back on further film and television work in the future, indeed he hopes that if his live performance on the market is a success it will increase his credibility with casting directors on the next rung up the ladder of stardom.

"I want to show my range of talents. I have gone from TV shopping on to market stall level of performance," he said. "After that I hope to move up to a bit part in an independently produced porn movie."

Pensioner admits “To be honest everything since 1976 has been shite.”

After years of continual sniping at contemporary music, movies and television, 77 year old Alistair Billingsworth has finally admitted that there is nothing in today's culture that he likes. Mr Billingsworth made the announcement during the Christmas period when some family members wanted to watch programmes on channels other than ITV3.

"Catherine Tate – rubbish, utter rubbish, just like that Little Britain, it's just the same jokes over and over again." he said. "The Two Ronnies was on all day on ITV3. I had seen it the 70s of course, but that was why I wanted to watch them. New stuff such as that ‘Extras’ is bound to be just people talking. It’s not funny unless a fat man dresses up as a woman. And sings."

After watching over 16 hours of the Two Ronnies over Christmas Eve and into Christmas Day including the same episode on 3 occasions, Alistair relented and let his grandchildren watch the hit movie Shrek 2.

"That was rubbish as well, it didn't have any story. Sure there was something about deception involving Prince Charming and a magic potion, but I slept through the start and it didn't make any sense when I woke up near the end. Just a lot of strange animated characters prancing about." said Mr Billingsworth. "Rubbish. Not like Fantasia. You can fall asleep at the start and pick up the plot straight away when you wake up. It’s about mopping the floor. Or something."

It was tricky to choose a movie for all the family to watch, since Alistair refuses anything that he "didn't know" as it would invariably be "rubbish". This proved an insurmountable challenge since he stopped going to the cinema in 1973.

"I must admit I snapped when I woke up and found someone had changed the channel during some programme on Cliff Richards," admitted Alistair. "Of course, if I am honest his voice is rubbish, but at least you can understand the words. Not like the modern music," he said. "It's all thump-thump-thump. How can you fall asleep to that?"

Mr Billingsworth said that this Christmas had been particularly trying and his patience had finally, after many years, worn thin.

"I am fed up having arguments with people as to why a current singer or comedian, and it doesn’t matter who it is, is rubbish," said Mr Billingsworth. "Why won’t people understand that everything made after 1976 is shite?"

Soap fans leave hospital following the renewal of actors’ contracts

Thousands of TV viewers were today leaving hospital across the country after news that long running shout-a-thon ‘The Bill’ was to continue for several more years.

"When I heard that one of the main character’s contracts was not being renewed I got my hopes up that The Bill was to be axed," said soap addict Gillian upon leaving hospital in Kirkcaldy. "It turns out that the actual programme will continue, it is so depressing that there won’t be anything uplifting being made to replace it."

Accident and Emergency wards in many of the nation’s hospitals were today releasing patients who had found the news that the terminally lingering soap opera was to continue too much to take.

"We have had several people come in with slashed wrists, one man in particular took the news very badly," said a spokesman for St George’s Hospital in London. "He said he was unable to deal with this and the fact that Helen Worth who plays Gail Platt (née Potter; previously Tilsley) was to continue in Mancunian laugh-a-month hormonal sulkfest Coronation Street.

Many television journalists said that soap fans gorging themselves on a diet of Coronation Street, Eastenders, Emmerdale, The Bill and Neighbours needed some relief from evenings full of depressing shouting, bad acting and glaring through spectacles.

"I think many hope for something entertaining and enjoyable on television, beyond watching the seemingly endless dregs of society and their continual stream of people writhing and screaming in agony and ecstasy, fuelled by alcohol and drugs," said one TV critic. "However it seems that Strictly Come Dancing will continue for at least another year."

In other soap news it has been revealed that Granada has had to hastily re-write several scenes following the tragic loss of one of Coronation Street's favourite and most animated characters, the glasses worn by Deirdre Barlow (née Hunt, formerly Langton, Barlow and Rachid).

"It has been difficult for all of us to lose something that gave so much life to our show, but we are rallying around and hope to find a replacement in the next few weeks." said Gerald Billingsworth for Granada Television. "The real tragedy is that Anne Kirkbride still turns up for work every fucking morning."

ITV apologises for “I’m a celebrity” mix-up

In another blow to award winning* broadcaster ITV it has emerged that the entire first week’s filming of the new series of "I’m a Celebrity, get me out of here!" has been lost due to an extremely embarrassing error by producers.

"We are so very sorry for the dreadful mix-up, and rest assured that it was a mistake that was easy to make and at no point, this time, were we trying to defraud anyone." explained Chief Executive, Sir Gerald Billingsworth. "The irony is that our efforts to be honest may have caused the problem."

The programme’s producers explained that since it is another vehicle for Ant and Dec they have been forced to devote so much time to ensure that there are no further irregularities with phone vote revenues that they failed to check the results of each day’s filming.

"For the last week we have inadvertently been showing footage of the staff from the five-star hotel next door to the filming location," explained Sir Gerald. "It was a risk we should have identified up-front, given that none of the cameramen knew any of the celebrities involved in the programme."

The problem of identification of the supposed ‘celebrities’ was apparently compounded by the real footage also being composed of hours of people moaning while cooking and doing the laundry.

"I would like to emphasise that our team was focussed on preventing a repeat of previous frauds and was at no time distracted by Ant McPartlin’s hairline," said Sir Gerald Billingsworth.

To remedy the situation the broadcaster announced that it would be adding a new catch-up programme, which viewers can automatically miss via ITV1-1, called "Am I a celebrity? Get out of here!"

* ITV recently picked up the award for "Most piss-poor waste of bandwidth, 2007" for its entire ITV1 output.

Showbiz’s leading grumps to retire

Albert and Ada Billingsworth are to finally hang up their wide range of scowls, frowns and grimaces and retire from the world of Television and Film after a career spanning four decades.

"We have been very lucky and stood in the background behind some apparently great young stars," said Ada. "Being in this business so long we have had a chance to play all of the truly great parts, from disapproving and unhappy to angry and confused. It's time to hand over and give someone just slightly younger than us a chance."

The Guinness Book of Records confirms the couple as having the most credited and scripted appearances in film and television, having appeared in every genre including comedies, sit-coms, comedy sketch-shows, and comedy variety shows.

"Our main pieces of business are to look on disapprovingly as the star does something novel or outgoing," said Ada whose most recent appearance was during the recent car test through the crowded streets of Liverpool on the comedy-magazine show TopGear.

"I have worked with all the greats: Robert De Niro, Dame Helen Mirren, Jade Goody. Well, I have seen most of them at any rate, since I am always in the background," said Albert. "If I am honest, I don't really like extroverted people, what with all that jumping about. What really gets my goat are dance routines with the stars prancing about all over the street furniture. I guess I am just a natural for my role."

The couple, who got their big break during a comedy TV news report about the mini-skirt, have not decided how they are to spend their retirement. Like many that retire from show business they are concerned about their future standard of living.

"We are used to getting paid five hundred grand for an afternoon's work," said Albert. "The state pension won't provide for nearly enough charlie for me to sniff off Ada's tits."

ITV announce new “ITV1 – 1” channel

Following the success of channels such as 'Channel4+1', which show a conventional channel's programme stream delayed by one hour, ITV has planned an innovative service of its own.

“We realise that viewers want increased choice and flexibility from their broadcasters, so we plan to introduce a new service enabling our viewers to miss our programmes more easily,” explained Gerald Billingsworth, head of Light Entertainment at Granada. “Unlike Channel 4 which has provocative and innovative programmes, compared to our cheap derivative offerings. We will be introducing 'ITV1 -1' so that viewers can tune in at the scheduled time and have the wonderful surprise of having missed the programme that was broadcast an hour ago.”

ITV is working closely with its broadcast partners Virgin Media and Sky to integrate sophisticated programme skipping functionality into their respective V+ and Sky + personal video recorders.

“We have talked to the ITV viewer and they have spoken loudly and clearly, they want a 'Record nothing like this' option,” explained Billingsworth. “The boxes will also offer a 'calm' option whereby the user can choose to have inadvertent recordings of our schedule replaced by pictures of a waterfall and whale music.”

However it is the expanded channel range that is really exciting the mandarins at ITV. If 'minus one' proves to be a success then they are preparing for the launch of 'ITV1+8' as a real breakthrough in the '+1' channel format.

“This would give the people of Great Britain the chance to completely miss the latest prime-time vehicles for Ant & Dec,” said Mr Billingsworth. “On 'plus eight' programmes such as 'Britain's got talent','X Factor' and the like can safely be shown in the small hours of the morning meaning no one need suffer.”

Tony Blair is new peace envoy to Big Brother House

In a surprise move, Channel 4 has introduced former Prime Minister Tony Blair and his wife Cherie as the latest occupants of the Big Brother house. Mr Blair’s sponsors have backed the move confirmed a spokesman for the quartet of the UN, EU, USA and Russia.

"The level of conflict within the house has been escalating to a point where only someone who has had the successes of Mr Blair can hope to bring a sense of normality," said Kurt Billingsworthski of the quartet referring to the Northern Ireland peace process.

"Let me be clear, this task will require a huge intensity of focus and work," said Mr Blair as he entered the house on Friday night as a replacement for evictee Billi Bhati.

Mr Blair got straight down to the task, when at 1am he was asked if people with short or long hair should have priority with the limited hair styling resources, he calmed the housemates instantly with a small speech delivered through the toilet door. "Look, we need to bring people together. People who have spent a great deal of time consumed by hatred and fuelled by complete conviction in their right to the use of hair straighteners," was his muffled reply.

Charley Uchea, one of the leading protagonists in the ongoing disputes within the house complained to Big Brother in the diary room. "A married man, Big Brother? I am being honest here and I think he is totally fake and two-faced. Who does he think he is, former Prime Minister and world statesman, so what? I have met Gary Neville, so Blair doesn’t impress me!" she ranted. "I’m not being funny though, whilst he did a good job in the immediate aftermath of 11th September - rallying the international community and preventing the inevitable reactionary response being seen as the US versus the World - he painted himself into a corner with the war in Iraq since his success was dependent on the obvious lack of planning that goes with most US overseas endeavours," she added.

Cherie Blair, who joined the house at the same time as her husband commented that whilst the house was very different to her previous residence at Number 10 Downing Street there were some similarities.

"Over the last 10 years I became used to living at other people’s expense. Before being evicted," said Mrs Blair, "I am now looking forward to 10 weeks living off Channel 4."

ITV to be replaced by YouTube

Today bosses at struggling channel ITV have announced that all programming will be replaced with videos from YouTube.

"We have to react to the ever changing and challenging world of Television, " said Gerald Billingsworth, head of Light Entertainment at Granada TV. "Our competitors such as the BBC have produced innovative, entertaining and informative programming. However we aren’t in a position to do that."

Mr Billingsworth said that the ITV programme management team had expended a great amount of research effort in trying to understand where ITV’s current programming output can fit in the new digital, on-demand, multichannel world.

"We liked the BBC deal with YouTube but we realised that they have quality programming to offer," he reveals. "Whereas ours is increasingly dependent on members of the public filling our airtime. So we thought, ‘why not just show all those videos from YouTube?’"

The actors’ union Equity has welcomed the news, as it will provide increased work for some of its junior members.

"It is good that the older actresses can get more prominent roles now that ITV will be showing only blurry streaming internet video," explained Fiona Knight, a regular extra on The Bill. "It is great to be in the foreground again. The ‘home movie’ genre retains the quality of ITV’s output - even if I have had my hair set on fire 3 times and crashed my bicycle 18 times when my skirt blows up."

ITV bosses say that the new programme will be a rolling broadcast of Ant & Dec surfing YouTube and showing their favourite videos, or just whatever YouTube thinks is similar to the last one.

"Naturally we will use Ant & Dec to front a programme of this quality. However one of the other changes we plan is to ensure Anthony McPartlin is wearing a hat at all times, " revealed Mr Billingsworth. "His hairline is quite mesmerising and we know our advertisers don’t like families spending entire commercial breaks in discussion about exactly where his hairline ends and the combing forward begins."