Surreal Scoop

In an exclusive interview to all newspapers the nation was shocked to learn that Kimbly and Jake Billingsworth are to split following their torrid 18 month marriage in late 2012. "We expect that we won’t be able to deal with the come down from trying to jump on the Olympic bandwagon," said Kimbly Smith, 17 from Romford and the future fourth place finisher in Big Brother 12. Ms Smith, who will meet Jake Billingsworth on the set of Celebrity Kidney Swap 2011, is expecting to be horrified when photos of her to be husband and an unknown lap-dancer hired by their agent are printed in the tabloids over the New Year of 2014. This will, say showbiz friends that the couple have yet to make, be the straw that finally puts an end to a marriage that will appear to have been lived out on the cover of OK! magazine. "I haven’t met them yet," said seditious television twat Piers Morgan. "However I fully expect that Jake will say he hardly knew the dancer in response to Kimbly’...

There were complaints yesterday as one of the world’s leading retirement homes closed, forcing many who hope to see out their remaining time to begin making alternative arrangements. "With Newcastle United now relegated to the Championship, those members of footballing society hoping to pass their remaining years in comfort will have to move on to pastures new," said Jimmy Billingsworth of the Newcastle Chronicle. "Although it is difficult to see where else some of these old boys can have an occasional light stroll in the park and command over £100k per week for doing it." Inhabitants of "St James’ Retirement Park" have expressed their frustration and dedicated their futures to the one true home prepared to pay them £100k a week for doing sweet FA. "I really want to stay in the area," said a Mr Barton, who has only been able to spend about 75 minutes outside in the fresh air all year, having recently been transferred from his previous care home o...

After decades of refusing to acknowledge the legitimacy of the UK in governing Northern Ireland, the political wing of the IRA’s most senior politicians today admitted a deep allegiance to Her Majesty the Queen’s parliamentary expenses system. "Feck me, that’s a big pile of cash now, to be sure," swore Sinn Fein leader Gerry Adams upon learning that the Daily Telegraph has calculated that 5 Sinn Fein MPs have claimed £500,000 in London second home allowances despite refusing to take up their seats in Parliament. "It would be wrong to say we don’t like the British presence in Northern Ireland. We love all the folding pictures of the Queen that you can put in your wallet!" The Sinn Fein MPs denied there was any wrong doing claiming that they required the London homes for important business such as not taking up their seats in Parliament, not swearing allegiance to the crown and not voting on matters affecting Northern Ireland. All of which they claimed would be imposs...