Inner Party to ensure all comment is plusgood plustrue via Royal Charter

Approved communication no. 4213253/201303-SS1

The beloved Prime Minister of the UK, in collaboration with the self-appointed Deputy PM, the leader of the opposition and a well funded lobby group of concerned victims of unspeakable outrage, have approved the creation of a regulatory body to ensure that the press is free to print only the truth.

In what was a clear victory for the Conservatives the Liberal Democrats the Labour Party Hollywood celebrity fronted Hacked Off victims of scurrilous press intrusion no one everyone there will now be a new body formed via a Royal Charter, that will ensure that corrupt politicians hard working public servants and intoxicated, weakly talented celebrities in rehab who give up their time for charitable efforts can conduct their lives reading only plusgood messages about themselves.

“It has become apparent, over the very recent hundreds of years of the free press in the UK that some journalists have been stepping outside of acceptable behaviour,” said the Prime Minister. “They have conducted in bribery, unauthorised access to communications systems and contempt of court. Actions which are only covered by existing bribery, communications and contempt of court laws. Therefore we need the state to have more powers to ensure that they don't break those laws again.”

There will begin an education period for the Proles to ensure that they understand that the radical adoption of press regulation risks the ability to speak truth to power there will be no change in their freedom and that they will continue to be watched over cared for benevolently by un-necessarily elected, graspers of power hard working public servants.

“It's horrifying, all those papers I was forced to buy to read all that intriguing speculation about whether that bloke with the mad hair, or that couple of doctors, had been murdering people. It's good to know I won't be forced to buy that stuff again,'” said Winston Citizen Billingsmith. “These new laws to stop bribery and hacking and so on will be thought through carefully, of course, to ensure that we still find out which celebs have been shagging.”

Inner Party members such as politicians and celebrities have welcomed the proposals, especially the ability for those media that do not sign up to the new regulatory body to have to incur all costs of litigation, even if they successfully defend their cases. On the other hand some disloyal members of the press have expressed concern at not being present at the late-night negotiations that took place in Room 101 of the ministry's Victory Square building.

“At no point has the press been excluded from a process in which we did not let them take part. Their voices have not been ignored, since we didn't ask their opinion,” said Nick Clegg, the self-appointed Deputy Prime-Minister treacherous twat.

Daily Mail Wants To Know Why Newsnight Didn’t Use TARDIS To Stop Paedo Savile

Surreal Scoop, in common with the excellent journalists at the country’s finest newspapers, and the Daily Mail, would like to express our sincere disgust that - despite 40 years of turning a blind-eye and a failure to investigate these terrible rumours that apparently everyone knew about - we can now safely pin the blame on a BBC employee who took an editorial decision several months after Jimmy Savile’s death.


It is sickening to think of the depraved acts inflicted upon the innocent, and sometimes mentally impaired, members of the press who had to fend off inappropriate moves from the bejewelled paedo as we celebrated:-

• Jimmy Savile hard at it, up all night. As a porter in Leeds Hospital
• Jimmy Savile puffing and panting his way through numerous charity marathon runs
• Jimmy Savile down on his knees to receive his OBE, and his Knighthood

Instead, we can now reveal after only forty years of not following rumours that Jimmy Savile was:-

• a serial paedophile
• a powerful media mogul able to squash any sort of accusation decades after he left television and radio. And indeed after he had died
• a close cohort of IRA terrorists which stopped us telling everyone he was a paedophile - although now we think of it the IRA link is probably a story we should have followed up
• making his necklaces and rings made of the finest Nazi gold
• unable to account for his whereabouts on 23/11/1963 when telltale smoke from a long instrument, fancifully thought of as a rifle by many but now probably his cigar, was spotted on the Grassy Knoll in Dealey Plaza
• supplier EPO to Lance Armstrong. Why not?
• forcing the Greek government borrow huge sums of money. We are all getting screwed there

The real travesty, however, is that for forty years the BBC had a well known medical expert, Dr Who, on the payroll and even after Savile was dead failed to use the TARDIS to go back in time and prevent the perverted DJs reign of terror.

“The BBC and George Entwistle are clearly negligent in not using the TARDIS to answer my very important questions about who authorised what forty years ago,” said Peter Billingsworth, MP (Con) (Twat).

Oh and some bashing about license fees and lefty bias.

Spartacus Denies Rumours Of Being The Latest To Take Out A Super-Injunction

Slave rebellion leader, Spartacus, today attempted to quell rumours that he was the latest celebrity figure to have taken out a super-injunction preventing certain details of his life from being openly discussed.

“I have nether had a Super-Injunction, nor have I ever had an affair with Gabby Logan,” said the leader of the Third Servile War on his Twitter account. “And it was a Roman trying to seduce Tony Curtis, not me.”

Spartacus is the latest celebrity to be caught up in the Super-Injunction controversy, in which high-profile figures who make lavish livings out of complimentary publicity decide that only nice things should ever be written about them in newspapers.

“Being a historical figure living over two thousand years ago, and living over seventeen hundred miles away in what you would now call South Western Bulgaria I am, of course a huge Manchester United fan,” said the former gladiator. “But I have never met Ryan Giggs and have no idea whether he like snails or oysters.”

The rebel leader, who either perished in the final battle with the Roman legions of Crassus in 71BC, or was crucified shortly thereafter, has said that he wants to remain out of the limelight as much as possible but is also keen on the truth being told.

“One thing you can say about me, I don't need to hide behind court rulings, because hundreds of my followers will declare themselves as being Spartacus to obstruct the authorities anyway,” said the Thracian warrior. “However, if the inevitable remake of the 1960 film about me is to be made, I would like Ewan McGregor to play my part, although I don't know who would be Antoninus for the close combat scenes.

“Oh, one more thing, Sir Fred Goodwin definitely failed as a banker.”

Wayne Rooney upset fans realise he’s not good enough to play for Portsmouth or West Brom

Computer game salesman Wayne Rooney was today left reeling from the revelation that his dreams of World Cup stardom may exist only on the Playstation after once again being comprehensively outplayed by players of English Championship standard in South Africa.

“We’ve had two hard games now and in each I’ve had to play against lower division opposition. The lad from Portsmouth had me in his pocket all night,” said Rooney following England being unable to score against the Sahara desert based country of Algeria. “It’s very frustrating, because no one ever boos me on FIFA 2010.”

Wayne Rooney was speaking after being booed off the field having failed in 3 hours of football to worry defenders from a country with no grass that has only recently stopped murdering each other over sand dunes and another that thinks you play football with your hands.

“It’s alright for the fans sitting in the stands enjoying the game. It only costs them a few grand and they can always go back to their uplifting jobs on building sites or working 9 to 5 in an office with no windows,” said Rooney. “That bloke who plays for Portsmouth outclassed me and booing just points it out to my sponsors.”

The England camp today pleaded for calm and for fans to support struggling players, such as Rooney, or the amazing disappearing Lampard, and to really get behind the team ahead of Wednesday’s must win game against the mighty Slovenia.

“It is vitally important that the fans buy as much Carlsberg beer and Mars bars as possible, because nothing motivates the boys than to know that FIFA World Cup 2010 is at the top of the XBox charts,” said an FA spokesman. “And remember everyone on the team coach is motivated marvellously when you all pay over £40 for a polyester shirt made in a Far Eastern sweat-shop.”

Reflecting on his performance Wayne Rooney promised that he had really taken on board the message that the fans had sent out by managing to boo louder than the vuvuzelas and it would lead to a definite change in his playing style.

“If I am rubbish again I’ll drop into midfield to learn from that boy who plays for West Brom and actually managed to score against Algeria, despite them having a Portsmouth defender!” said Rooney. “Normally I will only drop into midfield if we are doing badly to fully read the game as it gives me the best possible position from which to call the referee a ‘twat’.”

HD reveals the “depth of TV presenters’ souls”

Pablo Billingsworth, 38, a retired IT consultant from the Northwest of England said that his new High Definition television had enabled him to really explore deep into a TV presenter’s very essence revealing detail previously unavailable to light entertainment viewers.

“The picture clarity is just amazing, absolutely stunning,” said Mr Billingsworth. “You can see vivid colours, stunning movement and detail. And look, there you can actually see the waves of self loathing circling Paddy McGuinness’s soul when he presents ‘Take Me Out’.”

Mr Billingsworth said that the past few months he had spent with his new Samsung LED TV had revealed to him the breathtaking shallowness of Britain’s TV presenters.

“You just see such detail. The lack of depth and the coldness is all just brought into such an incredibly sharp focus,” he explained. “It is a humbling experience to peer into the depths of Vernon Kaye’s eyes during ‘Family Fortunes’. You can almost feel the vivid tones of cash that are shielding his fundamental being from the vacuum of being a sex-texting publicity funnel for his wife’s publishing career.”

Mr Billingsworth says that for him, High Definition is less about the presentation of a glorious image but more that the viewing experience is brought to life by opening up layers of hitherto invisible detail.

“We have always been able to look at the ‘Graham Norton Show’ and see the bright vividness of the sets and the majestic way each of his peals of hysterical laughter at his latest knob-gag is rendered into the sound of a hyena being flushed into a tunnel,” said Billingsworth. “Now we can peal away the orangeness of both the set and the man himself. We can see the deep underlying tones of the flaking paint of a seaside theatre dressing room, the broken bulbs of the make-up mirror and the echoing of sobs for a career with the breadth of a single line of HD pixels. It’s very satisfying.”

Mr Billingsworth said that he was looking forward to the full range of BBC channels going HD, which would enable him to take in the spectacular vista of Richard Hammond.

“I think it will be amazing to see his soul during ‘Total Wipeout’,” said Pablo. “I expect it will be like watching high quality images of the craters on the surface of the moon. I’ll be able to see the detailed printing on each fifty pound note that quickly fills each pock-mark created by taking cart-loads of cash for voicing puns over clips of prat-falling contestants that he will never meet.”

However even the latest technology is insufficient to reveal the hidden depths of some presenters.

“My TV will do over three million different shades of black,” said Billingsworth. “But even that isn’t enough to reveal anything interesting about Ant and Dec.”

International Shock As Celebrity Arranges Letters To Spell Naughty Words

The United Nations was today considering the ramifications, on both the emergency situation in Haiti and the ongoing efforts towards a peaceful settlement in the middle east, that will be felt by news that a minor TV presenter had discovered how to use the text messaging function on his phone.

“That Vernon Kay has sent text messages is not the major issue,” said UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon at an emergency meeting of the Security Council. ”It is that he managed to arrange some of the letters to enable the pixels to spell what some might think are sexy words.”

Many analysts believe that the so-called “Star Text Sex Scandal” could deal a massive blow to the prospects of the two state Palestinian solution being proposed by the group of four, in the hopes of peace and prosperity in the middle east.

“We stopped the air-lift once we read the front page of The Sun.” said a red cross official. “You wonder how you can go on knowing that Tess, who always looks so lovely on Strictly Come Dancing, might be a bit miffed.”

In other, unrelated, news Mr Kay's wife, Tess Daly was seeking the consolation of her friendly publisher who will be releasing her new book imminently.

Whilst friends have expressed grave concern for the future of their marriage and Mr Kay was seen in a Soho coffee shop perusing the “photo messaging” section of his iPhone manual, the markets were upbeat. News that Mr Kay may have been exchanging arrangements of electronic letters with as many as 5 women saw the FTSE rise 134 points as traders invested heavily in mobile phone carriers.

“Photos showed him with an iPhone so I made a killing on O2 shares thanks to the STSS,” said one trader. “It's likely that he has used way more texts than are bundled with his tariff.”

This is not the first time that the UN''s credibility as an international bringer of peace and security has been rocked by news that a celebrity DJ has been found using electronic devices for titillation. In 1991 humanitarian efforts in Kurdish northern Iraq were almost derailed when news broke that Terry Wogan had shown a female researcher how to enter numbers on his calculator to spell “BigBOOBS” when held upside down.

Prison-rat Gino won't “Do no more porridge for no rat”

Producers of quality challenged broadcaster ITV's-hit programme “Am I a Celebrity? Get out of here!” today defended their animal rights record following accusations of cruelty from the RSPCA of New South Wales regarding the killing of a rat during the making of the last series.

“Animal rights campaigners are not being consistent if they complain about the treatment of a rat that was killed, skinned, cooked and eaten,” said Sir Marmaduke Billingsworth, Head of Programming at ITV1+8 and shop assistant at a central Manchester Blockbuster video store. “If they were serious they would consider the hundreds of thousands of insects that we have killed and maimed over the last 7 years.”

Convicted thief Gino D'Acampo continued to protest his innocence amid mounting concerns that the rat in question was a tame one planted as part of the show with experts insisting that a real-live rat would never have been caught.

“Are the filth saying the rat was a patsy? I ain’t doing no more time for no patsy, not again” said the part-time Italian from North London. “I did a two stretch for nicking Paul Young's guitars, I ain’t going back, Ernie.” The celebrity then made a booking at Heston Blumenthal's restaurant 'The Fat Duck' whilst screaming “You’ll never take me alive you slag!”

The producers say that they take extensive steps to ensure that all the animals mutilated in the programme's 'Bush-Tucker Trials' are treated humanely at all times.

“We play whale music to the live witchetty grubs – as they are sliced in half – to make sure they can't hear Ant McPartlin's voice,” said Billingsworth. “And we taped up the mouths of the baby alligators in case they bit Jordan. We wouldn't want them to catch anything.”

“Jordan of the Jungle” receives £350k for a week less “work” than the other celebrities – Britain offers more

Britain is reeling from the revelation that ITV has paid Jordan £350k for her stint in “I'm a celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here” and will actually be in the jungle a week less than the other contestants.

“I am utterly disgusted,” said John Billingsworth. “That is why I started the JFO fund. If we can raise £35m maybe she can be kept out of the country for a year.”

ITV has previously said that it was sending Jordan to Australia not as some sort of vulgar and populist attempt at grabbing ratings but as part of its public service broadcasting remit.

“By taking someone of Jordan's intellect from the UK to Australia we immediately raise the average IQ of Great Britain,” said a spokesman. “In fact we also raise that of Australia too.”

The Australian government, after having the plan explained to them several times, is now offering to raise £1m to pay Jordan not to come to their country at all.

“Australia has worked hard over the last decade to remove the stereotype of ignorance, arrogance and day-glo skin that has so stigmatised our nation,” said Prime Minister Kevin Rudd. “Jordan's presence, if only for a fortnight, could set the national statistics back years.”

The model whose long and difficult to spell real name is Katie Price, is unable to join the other contestants for the first week of eating worms due to work commitments in the United States as the face of Orange Plasticine.

After being notified of her presence, the Los Angeles Department of Public Health was today arranging for an emergency airlift to remove Ms Price, a known Bitch Flu carrier, from the US after a reported outbreak of the virus in a TV studio.

“I was in her presence for only six minutes during the interview, six minutes, and I came down with bitch flu, it just came over me like a wave of orange nausea,” said chat show host Chelsea Handler explaining why she had hastily ended her interview of Jordan with : “I’m not going to ask you anything anymore. It’s your business what you want to do. You can go live with your horses and your kids and get botox – I don’t give a shit!”

Fears mount over a deadly mutation as Swine Flu contracts a dose of Katie Price

Katie Price’s PR firm, Orange Bandwagon, has announced that the glamour model, known as Jordan, has “so totally, absolutely got that Swine Flu that’s in the papers”.

Medical experts are said to be deeply concerned now that the previously harmless Swine Flu virus, having now contracted Katie Price, could mutate into a much more deadly sickness that could sweep through the nation.

“Our first analysis would be that symptoms would include the development of huge, unsightly swellings on the chest and the ability to project caustic venom like something out of the film Alien,” said Professor J. Scott Billingsworth.

The government said that there was genuine reason to be alarmed as, whilst unlikely to be fatal, the virus could cause people to completely lose all sense of shame. Due to increases in bodily temperature sufferers will also be unable to keep their faces out of a trough of Champagne. Or their vaginas away from fans.

Not everyone is fearing the spread of this toxic, vomit-inducing malady that seems to be increasingly infecting the country. Disc Jockeys facing the end of both their youth and their residency in small clubs in the Balearic Islands were said to be looking forward to “catching a dose”.

DJ Grand-Rider Chill who is facing his final year on the Island of Menorca said that it might do well for local tourism . “I’ll probably be somewhere in a long queue to shag one of these new flu victims. It will be like banging a Space Hopper on a trampoline.”

Balding DJs aside, medical experts were adamant that a Jordan-Swine Flu hybrid would cause widespread sickness on a scale not seen since the outbreak of last year’s Mills-McCartney misery.

“The government will have to react quickly to contain the new strain which we have already named,” said Professor Billingsworth. “We are warning that tabloid newspapers are the perfect breeding ground to spread this new outbreak of Bitch Flu.”

The news of Katie Price’s illness was broken in a press release by Orange Bandwagon announcing the glamour model’s new range of Tamiflu based remedies. The new range is said to have no more ability than common Tamiflu but comes in a range of tasteless packages.

After Michael Jackson : Interviewees terrified they will be the next victims of the CURSE OF BASHIR

Experts said last night that former interviewees of Martin Bashir are “shitting themselves” following the death of Michael Jackson, who was the subject of the former Newsround presenter’s controversial interview. This follows less than fifteen years after Bashir's infamous Panorama interview with Diana, Princess of Wales.

“They are just dropping like flies! Hot on the heels of Diana dying, a mere twelve years later and Whacko Jacko has dropped dead,” said unsuccessful nanny and convicted baby killer, Louise Woodward. “I am quite literally shaking.”

Other of Bashir's interviewees are said to be equally nervous that they may be next to fall victim of what someone at Sky News will inevitably scream is the “CURSE OF BASHIR”.

“You wake up each morning and you're just thankful you are alright!” said former closet enthusiast, Michael Barrymore. “People used to give me a million quid for that. This curse though won't put me off from another big money interview. But it has to be exclusive, no pool interviews.”

Members of the public currently mourning the death of the “self-proclaimed King Of Pop(tm)” have been saddened to learn of the Bashir connection and that any of his interviewees could be next to die sudden and premature deaths.

“It is just such a crying shame that anyone of them could be taken from us without a moment's notice,” said Kay Billingsworth an amateur journalist working for Sky News who has rushed out to Los Angeles to stand next to the Jackson mansion and look at cars leaving the driveway. “But with a 24 hour news cycle to fill, really we should get to pick who dies next with what we are calling the 'CURSE OF BASHIR’.”

Analysts have pointed out that believers in the curse may have to wait some time for its next manifestation, given that it took two year’s to claim Diana following her interview, and four before the “self-proclaimed King Of Pop(tm)” became its latest victim.

“It looks like this is a curse that is in for the long haul,” said one TV journalist. “Still we can take some consolation from the fact that Martin Bashir did interview Jeffrey Archer.”

Reality TV runner-up to split from Britain’s Got Talent semi-finalist in April 2014

In an exclusive interview to all newspapers the nation was shocked to learn that Kimbly and Jake Billingsworth are to split following their torrid 18 month marriage in late 2012.
"We expect that we won’t be able to deal with the come down from trying to jump on the Olympic bandwagon," said Kimbly Smith, 17 from Romford and the future fourth place finisher in Big Brother 12.

Ms Smith, who will meet Jake Billingsworth on the set of Celebrity Kidney Swap 2011, is expecting to be horrified when photos of her to be husband and an unknown lap-dancer hired by their agent are printed in the tabloids over the New Year of 2014. This will, say showbiz friends that the couple have yet to make, be the straw that finally puts an end to a marriage that will appear to have been lived out on the cover of OK! magazine.

"I haven’t met them yet," said seditious television twat Piers Morgan. "However I fully expect that Jake will say he hardly knew the dancer in response to Kimbly’s tear-filled story which has yet to be written by Heat magazine."

Kimberley has said that she expects to struggle with the constant media intrusion into her life, something she never asked for after fame was thrust upon the unsuspecting teenager following successfully becoming a Big Brother housemate after only her third attempt. She will nonetheless bravely try to stay out of the spotlight by only appearing on game shows, as a talking head on TV shows about reality TV shows and launching her own range of perfumes and personalised enema kits.

"The thing that I will want to know, tearfully and maybe whilst in rehab if my career has gone well, is how the paparazzi manage to take those photos of me that upset my Jake so much," said the currently single ,unknown, future fifteen minute wonder. "How do they manage, on the only times I wear a short skirt and no knickers to always get a photo of my fanny? Such as when I will step out of a cab into the Met Bar at exactly 11:30pm on September the 14th 2013? And again at China White’s the next night, but around an hour earlier as I expect I will have a shoot for my pop-video the next day."

Jake Billingsworth is said, by pals to be invented by the 3am Girls, to be holding up well under the strain of realising that he will only be famous for having Kimbly on his arm and is already planning to try to win her back.

"We will have to see how it goes," said Kimbly, "I will always love, Jake isn’t it?, but it will be difficult for us to get over the incident on my 22nd birthday. Which will be when Jake learns that I was in gent’s toilet cubicle with a professional footballer holding my hair to keep it dry - whilst he is doing me from behind."

Jade versus Diana - The popular posthumous Princesses

Reality TV character Jade Goody, who sadly died today, is now poised for an assault on the posthumous tabloid records held by the late Diana, Princess of Wales. As Goody’s team plans her challenge we look at the contenders and talk to the key members of their teams for the upcoming season.

Jade Goody "Essex Princess":-
The challenger and posthumously titled "Essex Princess" has had a much shorter career than her more established opponent. A meteoric rise to stardom found her representing Essex on the world stage. Having set new standards for the people of the county to aspire to she took the Essex way of life to a whole new market in India. Her widower, Jack Tweed also showed how to bring curfews and ankle tags from the south of East Angular to living rooms the world over. During a short career she has made the pages of Heat and OK! and shelves full of TV magazines her own, but will it be enough?

"People criticised our preparation for this fight, saying that our planning was wrong – that the tribute edition had gone too early – before she had actually died," said publicist Clifford Billingsworth. "But we have to stick with what we know – photos of her before she lost weight, after she put it back on again and wearing a headscarf, We think the funeral will be big for us."

The team acknowledges that the champion, who has defended her title successfully for a dozen years, has a huge advantage in what many believe is a two horse race.

"Diana is a true competitor, but you know maybe she is a bit past her prime – having died in 1997. We are younger and we think that we can make use of the web and mobile media to flog our filly," said Billingsworth.

Diana, Princess of Wales:-
The undisputed champion of the tabloids, and self styled Princess of Hearts, has been raking in column inches for decades. Such an ever present daily fixture it is difficult to believe that she has been dead for nearly 12 years - and indeed many people don’t. Her team, led by the Daily Express, knows that the "Essex Princess" could give them a run for their money and is not resting on its laurels.

"Goody is a stiff competitor but our girl isn’t dead and buried, according to conspiracy theories we haven’t printed. Yet. We think OK! may have gone early but not all of the stories about Diana being pregnant have been made up. Yet," said Express owner Richard Desmond. "It’s the People’s Princess’s title, and Goody has to wrench it from our cold, dead hands."

The Daily Express – the World’s Greatest newspaper set in 1950 – is so ebullient it is worried about collateral damage.

"If we launch a complete Diana bombardment we can carpet bomb the media," said Desmond. "However we are worried we won’t have space for our usual tirade of racism and kicking the McCanns."

Other players
Professional Wedding Attendee Elton John:-
Elton John was a friend of both Princesses. There has been no comment on rumours that John, famous for both weddings and funerals, will turn his hand to a singing career. Key to tabloid competition, John having headlined Diana’s funeral will mean Goody’s corner will be keen to get the gay stereotype in front of the cameras. Not dead.

Evil fiend Sir Fred Goodwin:-
Could act as a spoiler. Neither a princess, nor popular, he is the newly crowned face of the Credit Crunch and has landed the role of a soap opera villain as a shorthand for thirsty editors who don’t understand the financial crisis. Could rob the main contenders of valuable exposure. And the public of huge amounts of cash. Not dead, yet.

Heathrow plans new 3rd runway on the River Thames

Planning agreement has been reached for a new third runway for Heathrow airport and, in a surprise compromise with campaigners to protect the nearby village of Sipson, the new runway will be laid out in the waters of the River Thames.

"Following recent trials with an Airbus A320 in New York’s Hudson River, we are pleased to announce the location of Heathrow’s third runway will extend westwards from the Isle of Dogs," explained BAA spokesman Gregory Billingsworth. "The planes will be able to drift to the new arrival gates at either Greenwich or London Bridge, depending on the tide."

However the plan has already met with protests from celebrities who have new movies to promote.

"I am trying to buy a piece of the river under Tower Bridge to try to save the historic water from having a large plane splash onto it," said a dishevelled Emma Thompson who had just finished walking from Los Angeles to London. "It is madness - the damage that will be done to the pristine, natural environment of London by introducing a third runway and also what will I look like in the tabloids, my hair goes all frizzy when it is wet and yellow lifejackets just aren’t my colour."

BAA said the planned river runway showed the airport’s continued desire to be part of Britain’s world class integrated transport network.

"How much more integrated do you want? There is a regular clipper service running up the river which connects with train services," said Billingsworth. "Sure your luggage may be returned to you soaking wet and covered in silt and any fish in your cases will have to come out of your baggage allowance, but it is a huge improvement upon Terminal 3."

Emma Thompson prepared to fly to Hollywood, so you don’t have to

Hollywood star Emma Thompson added her support to the campaign to ensure that you are as sweaty and stressed as possible at check-in by helping to purchase a small piece of land to block the expansion of Heathrow airport.

"Travelling across the world is not something for the ordinary public, they are hardly ever photographed at the airport," said Ms Thompson, star of the Chicago based film ‘Stranger than Fiction’. "Everyone should think about the environment as much as I do on the long-haul flights to LA for the Oscars."

The Hollywood star said that she was prepared to fly as often as her career needed to ensure that other people did not have to suffer the pangs of conscience of contributing to Climate Change through their travel habits.

"Really, everyone should just stay at home and watch my DVDs. I am prepared to fly to Hollywood as often as possible to ensure that there are plenty of DVDs in the shops," said the star that uses exclusive VIP areas at airports. "We will fight the Heathrow development, even if we have to farm turkeys. No one wants to see another series of my sketch show ‘Thompson’ do they? No? Ah Well."

Other stars have joined the Greenpeace campaign - that aims to control where UK citizens travel in the world - by contributing to the purchase of the football-pitch sized piece of land.

"My career is largely UK based, and so I am more than happy to restrict everyone else’s freedom to travel," said impressionist Alistair McGowan waving a spade threateningly. "Anyway, I haven’t been on TV much recently so a spot on the news might be good. I can do David Beckham you know."

Greenpeace said it welcomed the assistance of the high-profile celebrities and believes their commitment was more than just naïve attention seeking from stars whose films have included locations in Morocco, Venice and New York.

"They are really in it for the long-haul – pardon the pun," said Ernest Billingsworth, a Greenpeace spokesman. "Emma has a lot of empathy to bring to the cause, which she demonstrated when filming ‘Imagining Argentina’ on the streets of Buenos Aires – however she got there."

It is understood that Ms Thompson is planning to construct an environmentally sound cottage on her patch of land near the planned Heathrow extension. Building of her ecological ‘Sanctimonium’ will commence as soon as she has got over the long walk back from presenting at this week’s Golden Globe ceremony in Los Angeles.

Manuel to join Coronation Street – Jonathan Ross to make a guest appearance?

Veteran sex talk expert Andrew Sachs, most famous for receiving details of his granddaughter’s sex-life in filth laden voicemail messages, today announced that all the publicity he garnered from having voicemail enabled on his phone has landed him with a role in Coronation Street.

"I have been absurdly busy since this whole Ross business, " said the actor famous for shrinking from all the attention by standing outside his house and talking to any journalist within yelling distance.

Friends of Sachs, who was popular in the seventies for saying "Que", said that he hoped that he could do for Jonathan Ross what the segment on Russell Brand’s radio show had done for his career.

"He’s in discussions with Granada TV about Ross having a cameo," said a show business pal. "It’s a shame that Georgina didn’t bend over for Brand a few years ago, Andrew might have had more work."

It is not known whether Sach’s shy and retiring granddaughter, Georgina Bailli, will also get a role in the show.

"It’s all about getting the right part. There has been some talk of Ken Barlow visiting a dominatrix to be treated as her slave," said the pal. "This is something that is right up Bailli’s alley – if you pardon the imagery."

However scriptwriters are struggling with the believability of anyone from Greater Manchester being able to afford the £110 an hour asking price.

As for Sach’s role itself, all concerned are remaining tight-lipped – unlike his granddaughter. There are rumours that Weatherfield’s first phone sex-line may soon open for business specialising in talk of Germans, psychiatrists and rats.

"I know Andrew wants to say thanks to all the raving Daily Mail readers who complained," said the showbiz pal. "Before they all die from exploding veins in their temples."

Are Sat-Nav systems starting to behave like their celebrity voices?

With the prolific adoption of in-car satellite navigation systems that offer more and more functionality, many owners are customising theirs using celebrity voices in place of the normal mid-Atlantic sounding female voice. Reports from motorists are now starting to be collated and reveal a worrying trend that the systems are taking on the characteristic behaviour of the celebrities they sound like.

"Initially we received reports about the Mr T voiced Sat-Navs." said Austin Billingsworth of the RAC. "Several people have said that when they try to program them for journeys to an airport the devices refuse to plan a route and instead only respond with ‘I ain't gittin' on no plane, fool!’"

Initially thought to be a mohawk-wearing celebrity problem, the RAC has also received hundreds of reports from all over the country from people who use a variety of celebrity voices to spice up long journeys.

"Several users have reported that updating their systems to use the voice of George Michael has left any journey through London causing the system to become horribly confused around the area of Hampstead Heath," said Mr Billingsworth.

The RAC says that other drivers in London have reported that David Pleat voiced Sat-Navs repeatedly urge the motorist to slow down if they attempt to travel over 5mph in red-light districts.

"Many people still prefer a female voice giving them instructions," said Billingsworth. "But those that have installed Gillian Taylforth find that they are constantly being directed to roadside lay-bys for frequent rests, and that they should perhaps undo their trousers to be more comfortable."

Motoring organisations have stated that drivers should be wary of any unexpected commands from James Dean Sat-Navs and young women should be extremely wary of receiving a lift from anyone whose device is voiced by Edward Kennedy.

“In Heikki I see the new me” claims Lewis Hamilton

Formula One’s former superstar today praised his teammate, Heikki Kovalainen after the Finn achieved his first win of the season at last weekend’s Hungarian Grand Prix.

"Heikki drove a good race and, in his performance I think I saw a lot of myself from races in my youth, such as last year," said Lewis Hamilton. "Of course it will be interesting to see if he can maintain that level of performance as he matures as a racer into say his third season - which would be next year."

Early editions of tomorrow’s newspapers will carry long-lens paparazzi photographs of Heikki’s girlfriend or wife, once the press works out who she is.

Hamilton’s comments have echoed the feelings of many journalists from the specialist motor racing press who have toiled for several minutes to revise recent articles on the stellar prospects of Canadian Grand Prix winner Robert Kubica.

"I have just dropped an e-mail to my photo editor to get new pictures to go with the article I have just searched and replaced Kubica’s name on," said a freelance journalist. "By the way, does anyone know how to spell Heikki’s surname?"

This retroactive behaviour has dismayed many of the older, more traditional journalists within the F1 village who see it as demonstrating not only a lack of knowledge of the sport but also a lazy attitude to writing.

"That’s the problem with the electronic age, these young guys don’t research their subject, but simply re-hash the same idea in a knee-jerk reaction to the last race," said one recently retired opinion former from a weekly motor sport magazine. "The traditional way is to write a separate story tipping each of the young guys for stardom before the season starts – then just submit them when someone new wins a race."

One editor said the practice was very frustrating but that it was in the nature of the beast for such a hyped sport that the same old stories would be re-hashed endlessly.

"The only saving grace is that it’s been a few years since I received any stories about Jenson Button," he remarked.

Prince William “disappointed at missing another fight”

HRH Prince William was said to be deeply upset at having missed out on another chance at combat, having left a drinking den just hours before a fight broke out at a Cornwall night-club.

"He is gutted," said a drinking pal. "This is the second time he has missed out on some fighting after not being sent to Iraq."

In a bizarre repetition of the events that culminated in the Ministry of Defence refusing to deploy the future King into a role for which he had spent many months training, Prince William once again saw all his efforts at preparation for the conflict in the pub in Newquay come to nought as security staff ushered him outside before trouble broke out.

"He'd spent several hours getting into the right frame of mind. His group had downed dozens of shots. He was prepared like any squaddie in a pub," said the pal. "At anyone time they had a stockpile of a dozen glass bottles lined up on the table, ready to go."

The Prince is said to be frustrated at repeatedly missing out on the action. He has publicly devoted much of his time to the most traditional avenues for getting involved in violence – the army and continual and repeated heavy drinking in public.

"He is at a bit of a loss to be honest, every time he tries to get into a punch-up he is thwarted at the last minute," said the friend

"He is in despair and just wants to get away from all the press and public, maybe drop out of public life and try a role in industry."


NEWS UPDATE:

Family firm Billingsworth Bar Snacks today announced that the future King of England, Prince William, had agreed to take up a new role as roving ambassador.

"We think that the Prince can help realise some significant growth in sales using his renowned personal charisma," said Joseph Billingsworth, CEO. "In particular he is keen to try door-to-door sales of our new range of Pork Scratchings at South London mosques."

Sir Paul McCartney offers to conduct divorce settlement under sharia law

In a surprise move the legal team representing Sir Paul McCartney has offered to resolve the differences between him and former wife Heather Mills under sharia law.

"Clearly this whole sorry affair has been going on long enough and so Sir Paul feels that it can be brought to a swifter conclusion by the application of fundamentalist Islamic rulings," said Irene Billingsworth, representing the former Beatle.

Heather Mills, who is representing herself at the current rational hearing, is believed to be considering the offer and will respond in the next couple of days, once she has hired a man to speak on her behalf. The proposal would see Miss Mills receive a substantial monetary settlement before she is stoned to death in a public ceremony at the holy site of the Abbey Road recording studios.

The Archbishop of Canterbury, who today launched a new range of Church of England vestments based on the burka, welcomed the news as confirmation of the theme of his recent speech entitled 'You lot aren't taking bloody Christianity seriously enough'.

"The idea of arbitration based on mystic law is exactly the way we should go and shows that the UK has advanced too far away from the kinds of superstition I have spent my life promoting," said a voice from under several yards of fabric.

Whilst Ms Mills has made no public comment on any aspect of the proceedings, a close friend said that she was considering the suggestion.

"Heather is clearly the victim in this drama. She is the one having to leak scurrilous stories and innuendo to the tabloid media," said the pal. "There is £800m at stake and without portraying herself as a martyr she doesn't have a leg to stand on."

Many social commentators believe that the move would be popular with supporters of both sides of the dispute, dubbed the 'Most Tedious Divorce of the Century', and would certainly be welcomed by the public at large.

"If you sold tickets for the honour killing at Wembley, it would be a sell-out within a few hours," said one tabloid journalist. "During her recent unhinged performances on breakfast TV, there can't have been many people watching who didn't want to stone her themselves."

QVC presenter lands “dream market stall role”

Giles Billingsworth, one of the leading lights of television shopping, was today celebrating landing one of the prized jobs in his industry when he was confirmed as the face of "Alan's 'lectrics" in the Camden Lock market.

"It was a great opportunity that I simply could not pass-up," said Mr Billingsworth of his new appointment. "You know you work hard all those years knocking out pots and pans and embroidery sets at 2am, this makes it all worthwhile."

Giles, recently voted 23rd in a poll of housewives favourite camp presenters, said that there was fierce competition in the tele-shopping industry to land such career enhancing roles.

"TV shopping is great, but there is more to the true craft than talking to a producer who is pretending to be a caller gushing about a set of tea-towels," said Billingsworth. ""Everyone is trying to get that high-profile role at the front of the stall, dealing with real people directly and tackling real issues – such as why the packaging is damaged and covered in broken glass."

Mr Billingsworth said that he was looking forward not just to a higher profile role at an open air market, compared to a barely watched digital TV channel, but also hoping to explore the true art of selling tat.

"When you tread the boards, you are really part of the creative process," he said. "The real art, where you give so much of yourself to the craft, is less about repeating the same script of product specs night after night. Instead you are able to get a real empathy with your audience. Or whether he is just a nark on the lookout for dodgy DVDs"

For Giles it this intensity of the live performance and not just the money, that had lured him to the open air market.

"The TV role is draining – acting astonished, hour after hour, at each bout of pre-rehearsed price slashing. I wanted to get back to be a true creative, back to the amateur dramatics of the cake stall at my village fête when I was a teenager," he said. "There is nothing like the smell greasy burgers or the roar of the two-stroke generator when you are doing that matinee performance on a Saturday. When you are in a studio, with only the unblinking eye of the cold camera lens for company, you rarely get the thrill of running away from the coppers with a suitcase of knocked-off watches."

Billingsworth says that he has not turned his back on further film and television work in the future, indeed he hopes that if his live performance on the market is a success it will increase his credibility with casting directors on the next rung up the ladder of stardom.

"I want to show my range of talents. I have gone from TV shopping on to market stall level of performance," he said. "After that I hope to move up to a bit part in an independently produced porn movie."