Surreal Scoop

It emerged last night that a man from Scotland, who had been asked his opinion on every matter known within Oceania for the last 3 years, had been stripped of his right to voice an opinion in a private conversation because a journalist had recorded it. “A 59 year old man from Scotland had expressed a private opinion about an oldspeak conversation with a 66 year old woman,” said Charrington Billingsworth Detective Inspector of the Ministry of Truth, speaking from his Fleet Street office. “Following the incident Mr Brown spent several hours of re-education in the studios of Radio 101.” The ruling from the Ministry of Truth explained that the right to have a private opinion was automatically lost should a telescreen truth crew manage to record it. The incident happened following a brief conversation between Mr Gordon Brown and Mrs Gillian Duffy, a life long Ingsoc supporting prole from Rochdale in the North West of Airstrip One. Mrs Duffy is an economic and geopolitical expert with an hou...

Following over a week of flight chaos caused by a huge cloud of ash from the erupting Eyjafjallajokull volcano there has been outrage at the settlement agreed with the enraged Icelandic resident, who many believe has held the European travelling public and airline industries to ransom. “Forcing airlines to stop flying until your demands are reached? It's been extortion, pure and simple,” said Duncan Billingsworth of the Unite union. “That's our trick. Although hats off to that cloud of ash, we only managed to ground British Airways, not all airlines.” The Volcano is believed to have been bought off by airlines that realised that unlike a normal weather system, a Volcano may be able to keep its disruption up for decades, forcing many airlines out of business. Some carriers have had to run disrupted flight plans on increasingly convoluted routes through Spain in a desperate attempt to get passengers to their destinations, and avoid paying expensive hotel bills. “We have been forc...

Pablo Billingsworth, 38, a retired IT consultant from the Northwest of England said that his new High Definition television had enabled him to really explore deep into a TV presenter’s very essence revealing detail previously unavailable to light entertainment viewers. “The picture clarity is just amazing, absolutely stunning,” said Mr Billingsworth. “You can see vivid colours, stunning movement and detail. And look, there you can actually see the waves of self loathing circling Paddy McGuinness’s soul when he presents ‘Take Me Out’.” Mr Billingsworth said that the past few months he had spent with his new Samsung LED TV had revealed to him the breathtaking shallowness of Britain’s TV presenters. “You just see such detail. The lack of depth and the coldness is all just brought into such an incredibly sharp focus,” he explained. “It is a humbling experience to peer into the depths of Vernon Kaye’s eyes during ‘Family Fortunes’. You can almost feel the vivid tones of cash that are shield...