Surreal Scoop

A soon-to-be-unemployed man from Westminster was said to be laughing hysterically when his bank statement showed him to be over £400bn overdrawn. "I tell you I am loving this," said Alistair Darling a Don’t-Care worker who hails from Edinburgh. "I have never seen numbers of this size before, have you? It is great – just look at all those digits!" Mr Darling said that the amount was not in fact an administrative error by his bank and, despite its alarming size, the overdraft "looked about right". "Well, I don’t keep to close a watch on such things. Who does? It is the Christmas season after all," he said in between giggling fits. "However I do remember some really fantastic transfers of truly spectacular amounts from schools or hospitals or something to some nice gentlemen who drink in the Carlton Club." Experts from Ocean Finance have contacted Mr Darling to see if he has considered consolidating all of his debts into a single – "f...

Children are preparing for another term milking an incentive scheme at the Westminster Academy whereby they can earn 'Vivo' rewards that pupils can exchange for iPods, TVs and Alcoholics Anonymous sessions. “It isn't fair to say that we are simply paying the children to learn,” said Rod Billingsworth, Academy principal. “We are equipping them with the real life bribery skills they will need to get ahead in political and corporate life. Westminster Academy says the scheme has already shown a marked change in the social interactions that the children have with each other and members of the educational staff. “Previously they would gang up on the smaller kids and rob them of their lunch money,” said one teacher. “Now they all take part in the litter patrol together until they earn enough points for the kitchen knife set, which they use to mug teachers.” The spring term timetable includes several amendments to the curriculum such as Monday afternoon's double 'Argos Cata...

The BBC today received more complaints from disgruntled licence payers unhappy with the corporation's recent output and expressing dismay at the much anticipated Christmas schedule. “I have scoured the festive double issue of the Radio Times,” said an angry Herbert Billingsworth from Tunbridge Wells in Kent. “I have been through all the TV and radio listings and there are no programmes discussing where a celebrity's cock has been.” Mr Billingsworth was expressing his concern that there was nothing in the Christmas schedule for the tens of millions of people who apparently listen to smutty talk of famous lives, judging from recent complaint rates. “There was some hope that the corporation was turning itself around, making some programmes that might appeal to me,” said Mr Billingsworth. “However it is all just Hollywood blockbusters, ground breaking documentaries and Wallace and Gromit reading the news. There don't appear to be any shows exploring which comedian has done the ...

Millions of people in Spain where today awaiting the huge payout from El Gordo, despite denials from Downing Street that the Prime Minister is even in the Iberian peninsula. "Spain is another country to add to the list of those that I have personally saved," said El Gordo Brown from a phonebox near Niagara Falls in Canada. "As soon as I save a small boy from falling to his doom – which is bound to happen soon – I will fly right across to Madrid and see if those bankers at Santander want anything else from the British taxpayer – such as even more savings accounts. Or Wales." The British Prime Minister said that there was no misunderstanding with Downing Street over his intentions and that the cabinet was completely behind his every move. "Some have tried to say that El Gordo is a lottery," said the 'Brown Midas’ as he wishes to be known. "But who would have bet on me saving the world already? Well apart from the British taxpayer who I forced to pun...

A new device has been launched to help busy parents look after their children who refuse to "sit down and shut the fuck up" until they are old enough to drive their parents home from the pub. The device, developed by Matthews Parenting, has borrowed technology from the pole-dancing industry and is claimed to be a one-size fits all solution to the eternal problem of being interrupted with homework questions during X-Factor. "I developed the 'Climbié Pole' after I realised that my young son was just pissing me off during 'I'm a Celebrity' and not yet being ten wasn't old enough for me to send out alone to the off-licence," explained entrepreneur Karen Billingsworth of Matthews Parenting. T he device is in the form of a large metal stake that can be fixed into the earth of a back garden or, more likely, bolted to the concrete of a betting shop car park. The child can then be safely chained to the pole and left to its own devices. "We use on...

The President of the USSA was recovering from a recent trip to the Baghdad branch of the struggling high-street retailer Woolworths when the turmoil of the closing down sale almost resulted in injury. “I was looking to see if there were any other bargains in Iraqistan that I could grab,” said Bush as he lunged for a Sindy doll in damaged packaging . “Over the past 4 years we have grabbed all the oil and searched high and low for anything nuclearificated, but right now with my own country's screwed economy I would be happy with a slightly dented toaster.” Mr Bush was on a relief mission for the long suffering workers in his own country who have recently discovered that their entire economy was being run by an elite party of thieves. “The other shoppers in Baghdad, who understand exactly what America is suffering having spent so many years under their own tyrant, Saddam Bin Laden, were touched by the plight of the millions of members of the New American peasant class that I helped t...

The government today announced radical plans for the sale of cigarettes in an attempt to further dissuade children from taking up smoking. From next year shops will only be able to employ registered paedophiles to sell cigarettes. "The packaging on cigarettes will also be changed to simply be a picture of a puppy," explained Gina Billingsworth, the minister for Child Welfare and Protection. "We feel that having the paedophile leering over the box as they are handed to young smokers will deter them from taking up the habit." The government is now consulting on other methods of deterring young people from taking up the habit, if the fear of being touched in a bad place by an ageing member of the music industry doesn’t work. "We are considering incorporating breathalysers into cigarette vending machines, and electrifying the handles to shock anyone whose breath does not contain the required amount of Werther’s Originals," said the minister. Supermarkets have ...

The citizens of the once proud nation of the United States of America today welcomed news that president-elect Barack Obama may be of British descent extending the hope ignited in November that their country could be on the road to recovery. "I cried when I heard the news, " said Joe Billingsworthski, a plumber from Ohio. "The idea that we could have a British president fills me with hope, after all the last American one really screwed up the country." Many political observers are hopeful that the USA could gain some of the ideals of British fairplay and freedom that they have lost under the current American president, regain some of the prosperity of earlier generations and finally get an understanding of cricket, decent beer and democracy. "We need to bring in international talent to turn this place around," said Joe. "Americans have screwed up the world’s economy and given the financial system a seeing-to that it might never recover from. From Janu...