Surreal Scoop

Scientists at the Jeremy Kyle University of Behavioural Research say they have identified a link between obesity and eyesight problems that can effect people of all ages. The research may explain why fat people find it difficult to understand the nutritional labels on the foods they eat. "We have conducted thousands of hours of behavioural research and monitoring of the cake aisles of leading supermarkets," explained Professor J. Scott Billingsworth. "Our research shows that fat people have a medical condition that means they are unable to read small-print, such as a list of ingredients or dietary advice on the back of a pack of donuts. Previously we had just assumed they were thick." The research revealed that the reason a great many " big-boned " people avoid the fruit and vegetable sections of supermarkets is that their eyes are incapable of deciphering any lettering that isn’t in a big, bright, bold, typeface saying ‘Double Chocolate Chip Fudge Brownie...

Formula One’s former superstar today praised new superstar, Sebestian Vettel after the German achieved his first win of the season at the Italian Grand Prix. “Sebastian drove a good race and, in his performance I think I saw a lot of myself from races in my youth, a couple of months ago,” said Heikki Kovalainen. “Of course it will be interesting to see if he can maintain that level of performance as he matures as a racer into say his third season - which would be next year.” The world's newspapers will carry long-lens paparazzi photographs of Sebastian’s girlfriend or wife, once the press works out who she is. Kovalainen’s comments have echoed the feelings of many journalists from the specialist motor racing press who have toiled for several minutes to revise recent articles on the stellar prospects of Canadian Grand Prix winner Robert Kubica. “I have just dropped an e-mail to my photo editor to get new pictures to go with the article I have just searched and replaced Kovaleinen’s ...

As this weekend's historic Singapore Grand Prix rapidly approaches concerns are being expressed by the sport's leading drivers, and Jenson Button, regarding the effectiveness of some of their teams’ preparations for the event. "This will be the first ever time Grand Prix cars have run at night," said Jenson. "The last few seasons have been difficult enough and, with this latest new part for Singapore I am not completely convinced that Honda racing are making a real effort to give me a chance to win." Nick Billingsworth, Team Executive at Honda Racing, denied any lack of effort. Instead he stressed the Japanese automotive giant was investing just the right amount to help Jenson maximise his chances driving at 200mph on a street-circuit in the dark. "Our technicians have been burning the candle at both ends, which in fact was one of the prototypes for the helmet mounted light we have developed for Jenson," said Mr Billingsworth. "We are applying...

Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin today declared victory in the Cold War following the news that the US government was to nationalise large swathes of the American financial system. "It is clear, as the sub-prime mortgage debts begin to default and the US government starts to take possession of homes, that the ideals of Marxist-Leninism are the only solution for the working people of Cleveland," said Mr Putin. "I welcome President Bush’s plan to create the largest state-run social housing project in the world." President Bush, speaking from the lawn of the newly named ‘White Kremlin’ in Washington D.C. said that the new $700bn nationalisation was a ‘bold approach’ to the current financial crisis caused by flaws in the economic system. "This, comrades, marks a glorious revolution and a new birth for the United Socialist States of America," he said. "No longer will multi-millionaire capitalists be kept awake at night by the threat of having to cance...

The uproar surrounding the FIA’s decision to punish Lewis Hamilton following the controversial end to this year’s Belgian Grand Prix has been further compounded after having published details of the ruling. "You have to remember this is a very complicated, technical sport," said Max Billingsworth of the FIA. "The average laymen may find the underlying principles that we are trying to uphold difficult to follow. The main one being to make sure that red cars get all the trophies." The FIA said that it was also investigating reports that a visiting car club had their regular Sunday afternoon parade ruined by the thoughtlessness of other people on the roads of Spa. "The Ferrari Driver’s Club was very disappointed to find other cars on their regular parade route. Not only that but these cars appeared to be racing and repeatedly overtook them at alarming speeds," explained the FIA representative and keen whip enthusiast. The FIA said that a silver car was seen b...

Part time US President George W. Bush has announced that he will not attend his Republican Party’s National Convention in Minnesota due to the evacuation and impending crisis in New Orleans. "My soothsayers told me that the wrath of God Almighty would be descending on New Orleans at about the same time that I was scheduled to make a speech in support of that nice old Mr McCain," explained President Bush. "At times of crisis I am bound by duty to help the people of Louisiana just as I have helped tens of thousands in Afghanistan and Iraq." White House aides say that President Bush was to take time out from his busy schedule of dancing with international dignitaries to be on the beach as Hurricane Gustav arrives so that he can hold it back to prevent more flooding of God’s Country. "I am the Commander-in-Chief and therefore I will be right there, in the surf, commanding this Gustav fellow to go back to Godless Cuba where it can only kill communists and not God fe...