Surreal Scoop

In a surprise move, Channel 4 has introduced former Prime Minister Tony Blair and his wife Cherie as the latest occupants of the Big Brother house. Mr Blair’s sponsors have backed the move confirmed a spokesman for the quartet of the UN, EU, USA and Russia. "The level of conflict within the house has been escalating to a point where only someone who has had the successes of Mr Blair can hope to bring a sense of normality," said Kurt Billingsworthski of the quartet referring to the Northern Ireland peace process. "Let me be clear, this task will require a huge intensity of focus and work," said Mr Blair as he entered the house on Friday night as a replacement for evictee Billi Bhati. Mr Blair got straight down to the task, when at 1am he was asked if people with short or long hair should have priority with the limited hair styling resources, he calmed the housemates instantly with a small speech delivered through the toilet door. "Look, we need to bring people t...

An independent internal review into the policies of the Women’s Institute conducted by consultants KPMG has concluded that their key mass organisational strategy is not performing to expectations. "Sadly we have to accept that one of our key policies is only partially effective at best," sad a spokeswomen for the 92 year old institute. "Our investigations have shown that we are only blocking about 46% of the nation’s pathways and pavements." The WI’s surveys have indicated that contrary to popular opinion old ladies are not successful in blocking even the majority of our pavements. "Our members try their best, they make the best use of the their numbers. In major areas they are quite effective at causing people to have to walk in the gutter or walk slowly behind what appears to be a group of old dears absorbed in ancient conversation," explained Edith Billingsworth. "However as a nation-wide campaign it is falling short of our targets." The WI sa...

The Ordnance Survey today revealed its plans to produce a replacement for the ageing Global Positioning System (GPS) in common use for both military and civilian navigation. The new system, seen as a cost-effective alternative to the troubled European Galileo system, has a working title of Pub Orientated Wayfinding (POW). At the unveiling of the project in the prestigious surroundings of the Grosvenor Hotel, Professor J. Scott Billingsworth said that the system will fit more neatly with true human behaviour than the existing GPS or planned Galileo system. "When we ask someone for directions, we don’t want a long list involving distances and turns, because we can never remember them." explained controversial behavioural scientist Professor Billingsworth. "The directions that are most successful are those that are related to our easy-to-find local landmarks, such as today as we stand in the Grosvenor, or ‘Just up the road from the Hogshead Pub’ as POW would tell us."...

Brewing giant Foster’s today launched a new range of beers with more straightforward names and labelling. "We wanted to capitalise on the famed Australian ‘tell it how it is’ nature," explained Bruce Billingsworth, MD of Marketing at Foster’s. "The idea has proved successful with Australian wines sold in supermarkets - such as ‘Good with pork’ and ‘Best with Steak’, so why not beer? It also enables us to take a lead in providing clearer labelling within the alcohol industry." The flagship beer in the new range will be ‘Gets you drunk quick’ which is aimed squarely at the market segment traditionally dominated by Tennent’s Super lager with an alcohol content of 9.5%. "We have done some tests with our key consumers and they say that what they want is something cost effective and quaffable that you can drink whilst slumped in a hedge," said Mr Billingsworth. "Of paramount importance to our demographic is that the labelling is plain and simple and helps y...

Today bosses at struggling channel ITV have announced that all programming will be replaced with videos from YouTube. "We have to react to the ever changing and challenging world of Television, " said Gerald Billingsworth, head of Light Entertainment at Granada TV. "Our competitors such as the BBC have produced innovative, entertaining and informative programming. However we aren’t in a position to do that." Mr Billingsworth said that the ITV programme management team had expended a great amount of research effort in trying to understand where ITV’s current programming output can fit in the new digital, on-demand, multichannel world. "We liked the BBC deal with YouTube but we realised that they have quality programming to offer," he reveals. "Whereas ours is increasingly dependent on members of the public filling our airtime. So we thought, ‘why not just show all those videos from YouTube?’" The actors’ union Equity has welcomed the news, as it w...

Police in the Netherlands today released a statement confirming that they have solved the mysterious deaths of four members of the Rekeningwaard family. They were found dead in their Humvee last month after apparently having lunch from a drive through restaurant. "Initially we were confused," explained Inspecteur Johan Janssen leading the investigation. "When the car was discovered there was no outward sign of any problem. It certainly wasn’t an intentional suicide." Police were baffled as, whilst overweight, autopsies on the two adults and two children revealed no cause of death. "Eventually we found a video on the mother’s camera phone which revealed how they came to die, which we think is a lesson to all of us," said Inspecteur Janssen "We all like our luxury living," said the inspector. "Although I guess there should be a warning in that Old Icelandic proverb – that man likes the smell of his own farts."

Today marked the beginning of an employment tribunal in Birmingham, the outcome of which might change employment law in the UK. "For decades, parents have campaigned for the rights to increased parental provision in the workplace," said Geoffrey Mansfield, lawyer for the plaintiff. "Only recently has paternity leave caught up with the status awarded to maternity leave. However if my client is not successful that will all be overturned." Mr Mansfield is acting on behalf of Zachary Vincent, a 28 year old travelling salesman from Solihul who has brought his employer to the tribunal amid claims and counter claims regarding his demands for paternity leave. Mr Vincent is expecting the birth of his 15th child in two months time and maintains that he should be entitled to the full two-week paternity leave, his employer contests this. The Billingsworth Steel company says that this would mean that Mr Billingsworth has only worked for 1 month in the last calendar year allowing...

Farming representatives today began lobbying the European Union for greater financial compensation for the phenomena of crop circles. Amos Billingsworth, owner of a huge farm near Yatesbury in Wiltshire, farm shop proprietor and owner of “Industrialists in Wellies Weekly” began the campaign with a press breakfast at the 5-star Warwick Barsey Hotel in Brussels. The central pillar of complaint he said was that struggling farmers such as himself should be better compensated each year with regards to crop circles on their land. “As everyone knows, farming is no longer about growing crops, more it is about owning vast tracts of land and being paid taxpayers money from all over Europe not to grow crops. That is fine by us and something the farming community not only supports but we would hate to see a simple return to free market economics” began Mr Billingsworth. “But you must remember farmers are the trustees of the land for future generations to sell in lucrative land deals with Tescos or...

A devoted fan spoke to the media today about her aspirations to emulate her heroine and Big Brother 8 contestant, Chanelle Hayes. "Chanelle is my hero," said Chardonnay Bucket, 18, from Formby in Merseyside. "I have followed her entire week-long career and think she is just wonderful. The way she wants to be Victoria Beckham makes me just want to be Chanelle Hayes." Chardonnay says that she still has a lot to learn from her idol and is avidly following Big Brother’s live broadcasts on E4. "She is just the best at saying ‘Stupid’ at the end of every sentence and speaking in one long endless sentence that seems to only repeat the stuff that she has already said several times and is delivered as though she is fighting for air after nearly drowning, before saying ‘Stupid‘ and repeating herself again and again," gasped Chardonnay. Miss Bucket says that it will take her time to fully master the talents of Chanelle, but that she is determined to put the effort in...

Egyptologists today revealed details of what is believed to be the first example of a ‘big-boned’ skeleton ever discovered. The ‘big-boned’ phenomenon is one that has mystified physicians for decades since despite the millions of apparent sufferers, no skeletons have ever been found. "We were researching the mummy of an ancient Egyptian Princess Tentopet, from the time of Ramesses ‘The Great’. When we produced a computer reconstruction of her skeleton, we were quite surprised by the findings," explained Dr. Bill Billingsworth of the Sidcup Centre of Pantheonic Studies . "That Tentopet was of slightly above average height is to be expected as she would have had the better diet of royalty. However she also exhibits wider and thicker hips, thighs and upper arms, whilst the rest of her skeleton is of average dimensions." The team hopes that their discovery will provide information for the millions of people said to be suffering from ‘big bones’. Found with Tentopet wher...

Today, in a break with tradition, Her Majesty the Queen lashed out at the media and what she feels is the constant intrusion of press-pack and photographers into her life. Queen Elizabeth II is said to be the person who has had more photographs and other likenesses of her than any other person in human history but it seems that it may finally, after 55 years as monarch, be getting too much. "Everywhere one goes, one is photographed." said the reigning monarch. "Sometimes we feel as though we live in the constant blindness of a seemingly infinite number of flashbulbs." The Queen is said to be particularly unhappy about the trend within recent years for the press to want more candid images of her and less formal portraiture. "The younger generations of the family seem to suffer it worse. However nowadays one can expect to see images of one paying for drinks in west end nightclubs and even paying for fares on the bus. I believe there is also one of me on Holiday....

The ongoing debate between evolutionists and creationists has escalated as the proponents of "Intelligent Design" have lashed out at cartographers as being "purveyors of Evil". Pastor Jesse Billingsworth of the Glen-Rivers Baptist Church of Nashville, Tennessee in the USA, made the comments during his television show. "It is clear that science is trying to destroy God, but He is greater than any so called theory. Evolutionists want to use Science to tell us how we got to where we are – well I know how we got here, the Lord put us here to do his bidding and to go to the places He wants us to go to. The so-called mapmakers say they want to explore and document His work, that they too want to show us the way! There is only one Way, the Way of the Lord, to follow the Word. We don’t need to understand where we are and less do we need to understand where we are going. We have Faith in the Lord! These people, these pawns of Satan, purveyors of Evil, say they want to l...

The new logo for the 2012 London Olympics has been revealed to the public. It will be the branding adopted on all signage and merchandise. It is hoped its new dramatic style will reflect the true value of the games to Londoners on the world at large. "We feel that the new dynamic styling of the logo will fully reflect the stability of the massive undertaking that will make the London Olympics the finest games that money can buy," said Lord Billingsworth, the chairman of the Internaional Olympic Financial Awareness committee. "This logo, available in a range of different colours, is the first Olympic logo to feature imagery that directly reflects the feelings of Londoners for the games and the commitment of Britain to making sure the games are a success," he said. Outgoing Prime Minister, Tony Blair, endorsed the new logo and the manner in which it captures the wealth of creativity being expended on the games. "Look, I won’t be Prime Minister of this fine nation...

Billingtons Games has announced the latest version of its ever popular whodunit game - Cluedo, this time with a sporting theme - Test Match Cluedo. "Cluedo has been thrilling generations of games players since 1948 and we feel that now is the perfect time to launch Test Match Cluedo," said Dr Noir, Head of Game Development at family firm Billingtons Games. The game plays exactly as the traditional version of Cluedo except that the setting has changed from a manor house to an opulent cricket club with the victim now a prominent cricket coach. In addition the suspect have been renamed in favour of the nations that play in their respective colours: Australia replaces Colonel Mustard; England is Miss Scarlett; West Indies takes on the role of Professor Plum; South Africa assumes Reverend Green’s position; Mrs. White is played by Pakistan and India plays the role of Mrs. Peacock. The final change is that the candlestick and lead-pipe weapons have been replaced by a cricket bat and...