Saturday, September 04, 2010

Hawking Rejects The Hand Of God Sees A Lucky Rabbit's Foot

In his forthcoming book, The Grand Design, Hawking has concluded that the Big Bang was an inevitable consequence of the laws of physics with no dependency on any action from God.

“It is not necessary to invoke God to light the blue touch paper,” he explains. “Quantum fluctuations - temporary changes in the amount of energy in a point in space, arising from Werner Heisenberg's uncertainty principle can create all possible matter – antimatter combinations. And anyway the universe was a present in Father Christmas's sack.”

In the book co-written by Leonard Mlodinow, Hawking sets a significant departure from his previous views on the subject, he now purports that the Easter Bunny was the prime catalyst for spontaneous creation from the particle soup chaos that led to the formation of the universe.

Hawking writes that he has always been a true believer ever since his childhood observation of Santa Claus and his flying reindeer powered sleigh orbiting the Moon set in motion his departure from traditional theories.

“Clearly mammals were important to creation. That makes the coincidence that a rabbit or hare as the earthly symbol for goddess Eastre more than a lucky happenstance”.

“I know nothing of the details of physics but I had always assumed the existence of the Tooth Fairy”, adds Richard Dawkins the renowned biologist. “Really other suggestions are just preposterous. Can you imagine a universe without the Sandman, Tinkerbell and others too numerous to mention?”

The book describes Hawking’s new unified M-theory that relegates the current string theory to the dustbin of conjecture. Thanks to recent discovery of planets in nearby solar systems, the odds are starting to narrow and it is only matter of time till Little Green Men are discovered.

However, the revelations have not been universally accepted, with many leading theologians quick to dismiss the new research.

“I am pleased that Hawking has realised that the universe must have had a divine creator,” said war-time straight-right-arm saluting enthusiast Pope Benedict XVI. “However with the world containing such sorrow, misery and sin which the Vatican has always maintained is caused by women then the instigator must have been the Tooth Fairy,”

In the middle-east the news was met with angry reaction. In Gaza effigies of Father Christmas were burnt by crowds chanting support for the Easter Bunny, whilst during the Sabbath Musaf Rabbis emphasised that rabbits are not considered Kosher to avoid the risk of eating the creator.

The Flying Spaghetti Monster was unavailable for comment.

From field reporter Shivriano

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