Surreal Scoop

As the New Year hangovers clear Britain once again braces itself for the events that will transpire in a stylised house in London filled with D-list celebrities. The nation's newspaper editors are gearing up for their re-hashing of the events we saw the night before on TV. Their journalists are digging into the background of each of those that appear in the house and speculation as to what each phrase said and each exclamation really means. There will be arguments and accusations. Groups and cliques will form. Some of those in the house will deliberately attempt to gain favour, whilst others attempt to climb to the very top along a ladder formed by the knives they have stuck into the backs of fellow members of the house. Throughout, the public will themselves speculate about those they previously thought of as upstanding citizens as a stream of press revelations about their private lives sheds light on dark underbellies they previously had attempted to keep secret. Come the end of ...

Most UK airports were filled with desperate news reporters tryng to turn the recent bout of fog into screaming and tearful human interest stories. "I have tried everything," said Katrina Billingsworth, in between live reports from Heathrow for 24 hour news channels. "The truth is it looks like the airlines have handled it well and people are being quite sensible. Its a disgrace." "The airports need to give each plane more space on the ground," explained Ms Billingsworth. "Cancelling domestic flights gives them the space for the international flights and only effects those people who could get a train or bus or something else". "I tried in one report to make this sound like 'So those on their expensive luxury holidays are looked after, but people just trying to visit relatives for Christmas aren't being allowed to do that', but it just came across as ridiculous on air as it sounds here." An emotional Ms Billingsworth fought b...

Today, BSkyB announced its new "Hanging Direct" extravangaza. The 3 hour show will take place live from Baghdad and feature a variety performance from some of showbiz's most famous stars who have been unable to get Panto work. The culmination of the variety show will be the hanging of Saddam Hussein, thought likely to gain the highest pay-per-view ratings in history. The Deputy Prime Minister - John Prescott denied any impropriety on the part of the government in awarding the execution contracts and insisted selling the TV rights was not a desperate attempt to help pay for the cost of the War in Iraq. A further controversy broke when it was revealed that a refreshment caravan for the venue was to be run by the Foreign Secretary - Margaret Beckett. John Prescott was adamant. "Instead of anything untoward, this should be seen as furthering the spread of democracy and freedom and showing that the west is indeed serious about such matters" he said. BSkyB would not c...

A study into the effects of physical violence has revealed that kicking can cause serious injury. Sharp objects, such as knives, were also found to cause serious wounds. These surprise findings came after a year of research into the effects of various methods of assault. "It has been the hardest year of medical investigations I have been involved with," said Darren Wirlsthob, one of five members of the study group. "Medical research is difficult, but is most difficult when you are dealing with the randomness of physical violence, often influenced by alcohol consumption, " explained Mr Wirlsthob "In fact that was one of the most difficult aspects to deal with, it seemed it was always after a few beers that the Professor wanted to test his steel-toecapped boots." Mr Wirlsthob, speaking today from his bed in Cardiff Royal Infirmary after the end of the trial, gave an insight into the complexities of normalising the data. "We had to allow for the variance...

Today, the airport shuttle service arm of the easy Group of companies announced its long awaited plans to expand into the national “long haul” bus market by adding two newer, larger vehicles to its fleet and the launch of its new easyCoach brand. “Several years ago we vowed to take on Megabus in the low-cost, no-frills inter-city coach business, however the major issue was finding the right vehicles to compete,” explained Fiona Billingsworth, CEO of easyCoach. “Our current Mercedes Sprinter minibuses are not suitable for the London to Glasgow run, however we have now done a landmark deal in coach leasing to bring easyCoach to the market.” The new fleet of vehicles has been leased from the House of Windsor and the Lord Mayor of London. Whilst easyCoach admits the vehicles are old, nearly 250 years old in fact, they have been regularly serviced and are in ‘showroom quality‘ as they have only been used once a year. “Our customers come to us for value for money and so they will welcome the...

Many were surprised at the winners of the BBC Sports Personality of the year awards with the individual awards going to the less mainstream sports men and women. Football and cricket, predictably, given .the lack of successful British teams , failed to get their names on the familiar trophy. However one award that seemed fitting was that of the Young Sports Personality of the year, going to Theo Walcott. “We felt that the this award perfectly matched the aspirations of teenagers everywhere and should act as an inspiration to those young sports people that if they keep plugging away it will get recognised,” said Steve Billingsworth of the BBC’s judging panel. “Theo has spent the best part of the year being driven around Europe and sitting listening to his Ipod whilst his playing family has been getting involved in activities. This is the behaviour of many teenagers in Britain and so makes his award of the BBC Young Sports Personality of the Year so much more relevant.” Walcott spent mos...

Billenz, the German electronics manufacturer today announced the launch date for its “Mythical” games console. The console has been the subject of rumour, leaks and discussion within the games playing community for over a year. Although the company has refused to comment many games magazines and technology blogs have detailed the new machine, citing anonymous sources claiming to be former employees of Billenz. The feverish speculation has led the blogging community to declare the console as the most powerful yet conceived and predicted to knock Sony from the top step of the games console podium. Heinz Billing, CEO and founder of Billenz today broke his silence on the project. “I have refused comment for the last of two years on details for this Mythical console. We repeatedly have denied its existence and refused to discuss its specifications, which we will continue. Again let me say, so I can be clear. This console is mythical, its performance is unimaginable. Nothing like this will b...

A growing number of Britain’s youths are calling for greater regulation and protection of intellectual property in the increasingly competitive Graffiti media. A new pressure group has been formed and had its first open meeting today, under a flyover for the A2 in Falconwood. “It’s bad now. N’ I don’t mean bad good, like, it’s butters to get your tags down.” explained T-Bone, leader of the T-Block gang. “I spent 5 minutes scratching my, like, tag into a window on one of, like, those new 89 buses. Like later all the windows was done - you couldn‘t, like, see mine or nothin‘.” The problem, they say, is that their vandalism is overwritten and damaged and that there is so much graffiti it is not novel any more. “No one looks,” said another child from T Block, dressed in what appeared to be his pyjamas. “I mean like, every inch is scratched like, people don’t even notice no more. The police should do sumfink to, like, protect our work.” “It is not like it’s RA or even the Cherry Boys, like....

It is a scene of devastation and despair. Some residents of the once sleepy little village sit on the roadside in the torn clothing, others stagger amongst the rubble of their once picturesque houses searching for loved ones or what is left of their belongings. An injured driver sits on the curb next to the burnt out remains of his upturned Hackney Carriage. “I had just got a new electric motor for it.” sighed Mr Snuggles the taxi’s owner. The gated community lies in tatters. The once impregnable walls have crude holes cut in them, roofs lie upturned or smashed next to the once pristine buildings they covered. The Animal Liberation Front today claimed responsibility for the attack on the Guinea Pig village featured in the Egg Money TV commercials. A statement on their website reads:- “Today we took a bold move to liberate three dozen rodents from their inhumane torture and set them free into the countryside surrounding the warehouse in which their prison camp had been created. These an...

Published today are the findings into a study on the motivations of 4x4 drivers. The surge in the numbers of these urbanised off road vehicles has prompted many theories into the merits or otherwise of these behemoths of private transportation. The report details a direct link between the 4x4 and sexuality. “The motor car is a representation of our public image and a projection of our ego,” explained Professor J. Scott Billingsworth, leader of the research team. “It has long been accepted that the car represents the silent projection of our ego to strangers. Feminists for years have pointed to the psychological projection of the big powerful sports car as compensation for men who may feel threatened about the prowess of their manhood. Our new study shows that indeed this trend continues with 4x4 vehicles.” “The 4x4 represents a bullying, macho presence on the road. It intimidates other road users and is territorial in its selfish use of resources. Clearly attributes associated with Tes...

The race to be this year’s “face of everything” has heated up with the announcement that Russell Brand is to host Channel 4‘s “Top 100 cheap clips“ to be shown on Boxing Day. Brand who is currently found on TV, Radio, stage, DVD, boxer shorts and a new range of Pooper-Scoopers is said to be gearing up to challenge the long time holders of over exposure, Ant & Dec, head on. However it is a challenge fraught with risk. Previous champions of TV ubiquity, such as Jimmy Carr, warn that is not an easy road. “We can’t all aspire to the longevity of Sir Terry Wogan, the master of being on everything,” commented Jimmy during a break in hosting the Buckinghamshire Best Mortgage Sales Advisor Awards 2006. “One moment you are on game shows or “Top 50 Cheese Night” , the next you are handing out the award for ‘Best FSA compliant sub-prime Equity Release‘ whatever that is.” warned Mr Carr. “Still there is always an opportunity for a joke about gypsies.” Indeed Mr Carr’s words were echoed by prev...

Conventional wisdom says that Christmas comes earlier every year. Shop shelves start to fill with festive food as soon as Halloween is over and the decorations start appearing before the smoke has cleared from Bonfire Night. However research from the University of Liverpool to the East of the University of West Liverpool have discovered that Christmas has actually come no earlier this year than in the last quarter of a century - we are still in the 1982 Christmas season! “The going in assumption for our research had been that Christmas is getting earlier, as sure as policeman are getting younger but the more we looked the more we realised that we could not see where one Christmas season ended and another began, “ explained Professor J. Scott Billingsworth upon the publication of his team’s findings. “We traced this all the way back to 1982, it is surprising but it is true”. The report shows that in the Christmas of 1982: the news was filled with stories about Princess Diana, the afterm...

In a surprise move a leading feminist group announced that it would be launching a campaign in supporting the increased objectification of women by the media. The Merged Union of Feminist Fellowships will be holding rallies outside branches of WH Smiths and other prominent newsagents to complain about the portrayal of women in periodicals such as Heat, More, Closer, Now and all tabloid newspapers. “Many people now think enough is enough, “said Union representative Charlie Billingsworth from her office in Watford. “For years we have campaigned for women to be considered as more than pretty adornments. We have urged society to want to get to know the person within the feminine body. It has gone too far now as we are swamped with a deluge of endless minutia about the daily lives of people who are famous for wearing a hat, for being thick or for sleeping with a footballer. Please, lets treat WAGs and It-girls as objects and put them away. Lets not learn anything more about their meaningles...