Surreal Scoop

The Prime Minister has confirmed rumours of another outbreak of the disease Bluetongue, this time within central London and believed to be the centred on Whitehall. “There has been a number of instances that have been identified in the press as being cases of Bluetongue,” said Gordon Brown from within the exclusion zone within Downing Street. “Jack Straw's most recent announcement regarding so called 'Have a go heroes' is the latest such policy outbreak.” The government has come under fire for not protecting the country from this deadly contagion, a disease that can lead to a foaming of the mouth and cause the afflicted to produce large amounts of bile and venom. This can manifest itself as a 'Blue Rage' targeted at the weaker members of societal groups, such as those from different cultural backgrounds. “The last big outbreak was in the '80s when most of the country was afflicted by a virulent outbreak of Bluetongue that originated in the town of Grantham and s...

Marine Biologists at the world famous Ben Nevis Sea Life Centre have announced startling new research that indicates that dolphins suffer from Pre-Menstrual Tension just as much as humans. "We have analysed the behaviour of marine mammals including our dolphins for some time, however the breakthrough came with translation of their complicated clicks and whistles," explained Dr Phillippa Billingsworth at the launch of the study, entitled 'I'm Tense and Porpoise'. The study found that the intelligent marine mammals exhibited heightened tension and irritability that was synchronised to the phases of the moon. The dolphins would often informally segregate by sex and their communications reveal the tensions within the pod. "All of the members of the pod suffer from PMT, the males as much as the females as it seems they cop the fallout," explained Dr Billingsworth. "Just like with humans." The transcripts of the dolphin's underwater exchanges hin...

An exclusive story in today's Daily Express and The Mirror newspapers has revealed speculation of the shocking details of Madeleine McCann's savings which have finally been located in an account with troubled bank, Northern Rock. The Daily Mail and Daily Star, which also exclusively carrying the story, agree that unnamed sources indicate the money, deposited by her parents, is held in a Select 120 account. “It is a great relief to all of us in the media that this account has been found,” said Business Journalist Preston Billingsworth, whose exclusive opinion piece appears in both The Sun and The Times. “We know that the British public were as confused as us journalists about the current turmoil in financial markets. My colleagues are now relieved to be able to get back to speculating about the McCann's and missing Madeleine.” Experts are said to be relieved that the turmoil in financial journalism has been overcome without any major loss of circulation, indeed a select few ...

Scientist's at the Jeremy Kyle Institute for behavioural research have published startling findings into analysis of Pope Benedict XVI’s Easter blessing. The traditional papal message, given from the balcony of St Peter's Basilica in the Vatican was broadcast to over a hundred countries and an estimated 4 billion people. Researchers have found what they believe are secret messages encoded in the blessing using the technique known as ‘backmasking’. This technique is said to be the intentional placement of messages that can only be revealed by playing the recording backwards and sometimes at a different speed. "Normally the techinque is used by rock bands to plant satanic messages, but it seems the Vatican are getting in on the act," said controversial behavioural scientist Professor J. Scott Billingsworth who led the research team."Once we identified that the recording needed to be slowed to seven-eighths of its original speed and have a quarter second echo added...

Marketing executives from Premier League and Championship football clubs are finalising plans to launch new remembrance packages for those families that suffer the tragedy of losing a young member. An inside source said that the clubs are keen to maximise their exposure in all markets and that tragic events that get worldwide news coverage are a rich source of exposure for both club merchandise and shirt sponsors. “Football is trying to modernise, to increase its appeal with the media and with families and, like many sports, is keen to ensure it gets maximum exposure for its brand and the logo of its sponsors,” said a source close to one club. “Traditionally a few lucky families have been able to bask in the reflected glow as their child is led out with the teams as a mascot. Whilst clubs can now charge several hundred pounds a time for the honour, the number of children that can be accommodated per game is obviously limited.” Recently there has been an increase in the sensationalist m...

Management at the huge Bluewater centre in Kent today unveiled a new system of personal warning lights for shoppers that the mall management hopes will aid safety and enjoyment whilst shopping. "We are constantly striving to improve the experience here at Bluewater and we think that this innovation will help our customers get the most out of the time, and money, they spend here," said Anita Billingsworth, Head of Concierge services. The new devices are a series of clip on warning lights that mimic the behaviour of the indicator and brake lights on motor vehicles. "Every year we survey our customers and one of the most consistent findings is the frustration at having someone stop quickly or veer into your path as you are walking either around the complex itself or in any of the individual shops," explained Ms Billingsworth. "We have spent the last year working with experimental Formula One derived technology for g-force triggered lighting and are pleased with th...

Friends and family were today mourning the death of Tracey Billingsworth, who died yesterday at the age of 38. Tracey, from Thurrock in Essex, held the title of the World's largest sufferer of bulimia - an eating disorder whereby the suffer causes themselves to vomit. "She was such a big person, in every way,” said her mother, Sharon. “She suffered terribly with her eating disorder, but she never let it get her down, or stop her doing what she wanted to do. She would just bounce from one episode to the next.” Tracey had suffered from weight problems since she was a small girl. Indeed her Weight Watcher's journal from the last two decades reveal how her weight had yo-yo-ed from a maximum of just under 24 stone to a low of over 22 stone. After many years of struggle she was diagnosed as bulimic by the Upstairs School of Homoeopathic Remedies - above the dance studio in Basildon town centre. Traditionally bulimia is associated with people who are underweight, however in Trace...

There has been a late surge in bookings by Britons seeking to extend their summer. Planes filled with ordinary working people from the BBC, Sky News and the nation's tabloid newspapers have headed off to try and grab a few extra days of sun-soaked reporting in Portugal. “The last chance I had for a break in the sun was in May . We stayed for as long as we could afford, but we are just normal journalists, and we had to go back to the day job - writing about celebrity drug problems and David Cameron's hair,” said Mary Billingsworth of Sky News. Increasingly as their standard of living increases many Britons are now able to enjoy two or more foreign breaks a year. “We are very pleased that we have reached a position where we can go out to the Algarve again and extend the summer,” said Ms Billingsworth. “There were so many people that we talked to, for hours, that we hoped would become interesting and we are quite happy to interview again. And again.” Like holidaymakers the world o...

Rumours are circulating via the Internet that estranged wife of Sir Paul McCartney, Heather Mills has actually died and been replaced with a double. The rumours say that recent news reports contain coded messages hinting at the truth. The clues are apparently revealed using acrostic techniques such as selecting every 3rd letter of allegations in The Sun newspaper and reading the Take-a-Break crossword clues backwards. "As more and more evidence comes to light we are building up a better picture of what really happened to Heather Mills and the true identity of her replacement," said Geraldine Billingsworth who runs the 'Tinfoil Hat' blog. "There is loads of stuff in that interview where she takes her false leg off. If you play it backwards." Conspiracy theorists say that they have so far determined that Ms Mills was involved in a road accident whilst using the pedestrian crossing in Abbey Road, St Johns Wood, London in the early hours of Wednesday, September...