Friday, January 30, 2009

Everyone in Britain to be turned into hate-filled, venom-spitting imbeciles by 2012

The government’s newly announced policy to ensure every home in the UK has access to broadband Internet services will hasten the day when the entire country is filled with screaming morons hell bent on abusing each other and themselves into frothy-mouthed oblivion.

"Britain already has a large number of abusive web-surfers that lead the world in swearing content creation," said Culture Secretary Andy Burnham in his statement to the commons. "We need an infrastructure capable of preparing Britain to compete with the multi-phobic insanity that will increasingly be served up by the international Internet community. How else can everything be blamed on the gays?"

The government is concerned that, whilst Britain’s online community can hold its own in the all-out self-abuse stakes, the future will be about spreading conspiracies by online video generation. This is an area in which the paranoia-fuelled xenophobia of US Internet users currently excels.

"We need lots of bandwidth, Britons should not be waiting to upload some badly researched movie to YouTube to tell the world that everything is under the control of Mossad. We all know there is nothing worse than having your porn suddenly pause mid-stream whilst you are right in the middle of the chimp impression." Mr Burnham told MPs.

The government also said that as the credit-crunch bites in the coming years the UK economy will increasingly become dependent upon buying and selling online as much as traditional economics.

"Without a world-leading digital infrastructure Britons risk have their bids "sniped" on Ebay with mere seconds to go," said the Culture Secretary. "For an economy based upon used dressing-gowns, ALF alarm clocks and Farrah Fawcettt posters, bandwidth will be vital to secure the next 10 pack of Whiskers cat food for the childrens’ lunches."

David Cameron, an innovative technology adopter who reaches out to the online electorate through his Webcameron video journals, disagreed that the government’s proposals amounted to anything new.

"Brown is a totally lame looser," the leader of the opposition wrote in his blog on "FAIL!!!11! What a gay sweaty-sock fucktard."

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