Sunday, October 04, 2009

13 year old boys “are worth £6 million a year”

Following Jonathan Ross’s assertion that he is worth every penny of his £6m a year salary, parents have been warned about the inflationary pressure this may put on the pocket-money demands of 13 year old boys.

“It’s so unfair! I only get about £20 a week and I like talking about boobs and girls arses too,” said Derren Billingsworth, 13. “I spend a lot of time making wanking jokes on Friday nights too.”

Whilst the salary demands of those who talk about masturbation and breasts are seen to be beyond all but the wealthiest broadcasting corporations, it is believed that should the BBC wish to consider a reduction in so-called ‘talent costs’ there are plenty of people capable of stepping into Ross’s shoes.

“Only on a Friday night? You could start ‘Wanking 24’ with our Derren,” said Kate Billingsworth, Derren’s mum. “He’d have enough for the radio show too, if that’s what you was after.”

“I read comics too, and I would do programmes on Japanese Manga porn comics for, like, no extra money,” said Master Billingsworth. “Although I’d need a few minutes alone with the books to prepare.”

“Not only would my Derren be perfect for the role,” said Mrs Billingsworth. “He would probably even be discreet about why he was nipping to the toilet after interviewing Gwyneth Paltrow and would make sure he took his radio microphone off beforehand.”

The BBC has announced that it is reviewing the contracts of its presenters with a view to future salary reductions and it has analysed the levels of supply and demand for unattractive males to promise to have sex with attractive film-stars.

“Our requirements are for someone who dresses appallingly, is obsessed with making sexual remarks at inappropriate times and who doesn’t speak clearly, ” said a BBC spokesman. “So yes, a 13 year old boy would be perfect.”

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