Lucas Secures Star Wars Legacy For Future Generations Of Duvet Covers And Lunchboxes

George Lucas has announced that he has sold the Star Wars franchise to theatrical heritage authority Disney in a move to guarantee the future of Star Wars merchandising for another generation.

“I think it is time I handed over the baton.  After 35 years, I really cannot think of anything else to stick Darth Vader’s image on,” said the mad revisionist as he signed the Star Wars ‘May the Courts be with you’ branded stationery of the contract using his LightSaber pen. 

Senior First Executive Principle Vice President, Walter D. Billingsworth IV who followed Mr Lucas in signing the contract on behalf of Disney said that there was a lot of pent-up demand for further adventures in the Star Wars extended universe.

“We have definite plans for the next movie in 2015 which will focus on the Ewoks who have to free their sacred talking candlestick from the Sheriff of Nottingham,” said Billingsworth.  “We think die-hard fans and newcomers alike will enjoy our re-interpretation of Chewbacca in the character of Baloo the Bear.”

Existing Star Wars actors where said to have mixed reactions to the news.

“Opportunity for film work again, it is. Good that is.  Although dead I am care about Star Wars integrity I do,” said former Jedi and now telecommunications salesman Yoda, 800. “Although not so dead phone sales targets hit I cannot.  Judge iPhone 5 by its size do you, hmm?”

Disney hopes the £2.5Bn deal will enable the production of more movies on an almost annual basis.

“We certainly see the potential to explore the early life of some of the characters further, such as Luke Skywalker’s school years, and the significant formative events of his life,” said Billingsworth. “We are looking forward to realising on screen the musical number during which Luke uses the force to help Aunt Beru tidy up.”

There was a further surprise announcement at the end of the ceremonial signing of the contract when George Lucas announced that there would be a Special Edition DVD of the press conference in which it is clear that Disney signed first.

Resurgence of older porn stars

The actors' union, Equity, today revealed surprising figures regarding the growth of what the adult entertainment industry refers to as OAPorn.

"As the population gets older we are seeing an increased demand for Adult 'Art Movies' that the increasingly ageing consumer can relate to," explained Fiona Knight, Equity spokeswoman and former YouTube actress. "The genre has seen great demand for actors who make convincing widows and 'Meals On Wheels' deliverymen. Ever popular are elevator fantasies, where the user and their care assistant are trapped in the wheelchair lift."

Equity says that as demand has increased from today's more active pensioner it has enabled porn actors to prolong their performances in the genre.

"Now that NHS joint replacements have become so efficient and recovery so quick the adult film industry is able to chase the grey porn pound," said Ms Knight. "It can be quite lucrative, especially for actresses that have had a double hip replacement."

The level of demand is such that many who thought their film careers were over have found a new release, allowing them to easily penetrate the traditionally tight circle of the pornographer that is now wide open to receive them.

"The older porn stars now bring greater life experience to their roles, something that the audience really appreciates," said Ms Kniight. "Who of us does not have an fantasy about being trapped with someone sexy on a broken Stannah Stairlift?"

Ada Billingsworth (76) agrees. With her husband Albert she has become one of the first megastars of OAPorn with the hugely successful 'Granny's Pearl Necklace' series of films.

"Sucking all those Werther's Originals really kept my cheek muscles in shape, which has been invaluable," said Miss Billingsworth during a break in filming. "What's more as an actress it is good to be able to explore new creative outlets, I never thought I would take part in a spit-roast at my age!"