Surreal Scoop

Friends and former colleagues of pin-stripe pirate Sir Fred "Frankly" Goodwin said today that the incompetent banker was furious that details of his £16m pension fund had been leaked into the public domain. "Fred is livid, absolutely livid, that his enormous piss-take has been revealed to the public," said a friend. "He had hoped that it would be announced sometime around the new financial year. It is terrible to deprive a pensioner of the fun of this year’s April Fool’s day and taking the piss out of the British public." Sir Fred complained that the details of his £650,000 a year pension, for life, from the bank in the worst shape of all due to the policies he was responsible for do not take into account how the pension fund has built up over the years. "My pension has not really changed since the original piss-take I started in 1998 when I joined the group. That is a decade of taking the piss at RBS," said cash enthusiast Sir Fred. "Nor d...

The government tonight announced a new plan to raise extra bail-out money without further burdening hard pressed taxpayers. The news came in response to requests from the financial services and car manufacturing industries for additional finance to shield them from the free-market capitalism that they no longer wish to take part in, once it transpired that they were rubbish at it. "We have sunk billions of taxpayer’s gold into the banks, and now need help to break their blockade on lending, Hence we need an infusion of cash from people who have no trouble raising money, Somali Pirates," said the Chancellor of the Exchequer in a statement to the Commons. "This arrangement will reduce the burden on the taxpayer and improve the integrity and ethics of the financial system." Mr Darling was quizzed by MPs whether it was prudent to do business with an untrustworthy group, driven by their own greed who had a disregard for the rule of law, and responded that he had realised...

Bosses at Lloyds TSB responded to criticism of their intention to pay staff bonuses, following the announcement that the group has lost nearly £11bn, by announcing a comprehensive review focussing on staff remuneration. "We have instigated a high priority project, Project Trough, which will outline a new pay scheme for our bank-staff, rewarding only those that have really screwed the maximum out of each customer," said Sir Leonard Billingsworth, CFO of Lloyds Banking Group. "I mean really screwed them. It is important we hold onto those people. When the project completes there will be big bonuses for all involved. Really huge ones if it should complete even remotely on-time!" The wide ranging project will be structured to ensure that shareholders in the bank can clearly see exactly how salaries and bonuses are distributed. "Right at the heart of Project Trough will be several 'Pay Investigation Groups' composed of staff from all levels," explained ...

Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger is to stop attending football matches after yet again being unable to view the action on the pitch. Previously Mr Wenger had complained about the visibility at Arsenal's Emirates stadium but has now vowed to watch all matches, home and away, from the comfort of his own sofa. "I have been unable to see any of the action for years," said Wenger after Arsenal's goalless draw with London rivals Tottenham Hotspur. "The only action in the Spurs game was Emmanuel Eboue's sending off, and I couldn't see it because someone stood up in front of me." The diminutive Mr Wenger, 6ft 4in, said he has long struggled to see games, often missing the key moments involving his player's lack of discipline and has repeatedly asked for a booster cushion, or perhaps a step-ladder, to be installed in the Arsenal dugout. Arsenal said that they believed the long-standing issues of Mr Wenger being able to see anything that happens on the pitch ...

Teenagers up and down the country are bemoaning a new fad of reading out loud that seems to be sweeping through the senior citizen population. With half-term approaching it is feared that this behaviour could drive more and more teenagers from the buses and force them to walk all the way to the nearest Gregg’s pasty shop. "It’s, like, so, like, rude. Innit?" said Chardonnay, 14 from Plumstead in South London. "We is like on the 96, right? Few of us girls. Innit? And we are trying to listen to Shabney’s music. She got the volume right up on her phone but we don’t hear, like, nothin’ ‘cos of, like, some old dear at the, back, reading aloud some rubbish about a bitches’ Detective Agency in Africa." The phenomena is seen to be the latest step in anti-social behaviour on public transport and something else that delay-weary passengers must contend with. "It really is quite terrible now," said one middle-aged commuter who didn’t want to be named "When I have...

Today the CBI commended members of the teaching profession for single-handedly turning around the ailing retail economy leading to one of the best start to February in recent years. "The keenness with which thousands of Head Teachers up and down the land are able to seek out a snowflake and the speed with which they can close a school has brought a welcome boost to the Shopping Centres of the nation," said Sir Digby Billingsworth of the CBI. "Their dedication to leisure is a great boon to hard pressed retailers whose shops are now full of teachers." "You can’t move for teachers at the moment," said a Starbucks employee at one of their outlets in the Bluewater shopping centre in Kent. "They are sitting here with travel brochures out planning what to do with their ten weeks holiday." The National Union of Teacher’s defended its members’ decisions to close schools saying that no one took them lightly, but that it was in the best interests to close t...

The latest survey into childhood has concluded that it is a lot harder to be a child today than for previous generations, an experience echoed by a great number of children interviewed today, when they should have been at school. "Like, in the olden days right, it was a lot easier. Space Invaders, yeah, how easy was that? It ain’t ‘Gears of War’, innit?" said Maria Billingsworth, Director of the Children’s society. The report said that even though today’s children had better education, health and more possessions you really couldn’t tell from the way they behaved. "Better education. What does that mean? Oh, I knew that. Well school is boring innit?" said, Calum, 12. "All the computers, right, they’re, like, well locked down so you can’t get to YouTube or nothing. No porn gets through either. We can’t learn nothing." The Children’s Society said that the little darlings, whilst not having to work at an early age like many generations before, nor go hungry, w...

Nurse Caroline Billingsworth was suspended in December after a patient she was visiting objected to the offer of a prayer to aid in her recovery and having a local Shaman visit to boost her juju. "She was very, very caring," said Belinda Worthing, 70, a patient from North Somerset. "But I really didn't fancy her offer of having a goat slaughtered and its entrails read on my kitchen table." Nurse Billingsworth says she puts great faith in an otherworldly supreme presence that is doing amazing things in her life and she is keen to offer assistance to help patients with their recovery. "Of course I normally start with a simple prayer," said Billingsworth. "However once you have opened Pandora's Mumbo-Jumbo box, then why stop at Christianity? Several of my patients welcome the attention of a West African witch-doctor and having their diagnosis confirmed by a throw of his Sheep Knuckles." According to the complaint filed with the local NHS Tru...