Facebook Offers New Ways For You To Share Your Data – And Better Ways To Hawk You To Global Corporations

Facebook, the massive Internet repository of what you are having for lunch and how many coins you have just won on FarmVille, has launched new “group” functions to ensure that users have more control over the information that they give to Facebook to hawk to the highest bidder.

“It is not our information. It is people's information. We just have this strong philosophical belief in distracting you from what we are actually doing with your data,” said Mark Billingsberg at the launch of the new features. “All of your data belongs to you and sits on our servers to be demographically mined to help massive corporations sell to you.”

The latest groups features enable Facebook users to limit data they share publicly to only those people with they have their most intimate relationships, whether they are friends, family, colleagues or the marketing demographic requests from mobile phone companies.

“With groups we will be able to identify thousands of circles of twenty something males and share them with holiday companies in Ibiza,” said Billingsberg. “And that is what we really mean by sharing control.”

Facebook has long been criticised by users so concerned over their privacy that they have spent hours uploading their most intimate information and photos onto the Internet. And their daily soup choice.

“Facebook needed to take steps, because it is worrying that every time I talk to my friends about the latest Grand Prix all the ads on the site feature racing cars. Oh and I had minestrone today,” commented one Facebook user on a Facebook page complaining about the site’s privacy settings. “Look, it’s happening again. It is like they are monitoring me. The same thing happens to my Gmail messages about Donkey Porn.”

Customer group retaliates and brands Currys employees as "bunch of useless retards"

Following news of a Facebook group of some 3000 members where some employees of Currys and PC World call customers “stupid”, it has emerged that there is a customer group of some 60 million members with views on the capability of the employees themselves.

“Absolute idiots, worse than trained baboons,” was a comment from several thousand customers of the Aintree branch of PC World. “At least with a baboon you can see the shit it is sending your way before you get the box home and try and plug it in.”

“They know bugger all about computers,” continued another comment from two million people in the South East of London who use various Currys branches. “But they can stick anti-virus software and insurance onto your order when you aren’t looking.”

DGSi, the parent company of Currys and PC World, has expressed shock at the presence of the Facebook group when news of the activities of former and current employees came to light.

“Head office is very upset about the Facebook group,” said Murial Billingsworth, customer relations for DSGi. “We were amazed that we ever employed anyone who had ever actually used that interweb thing! We are going to have to locate these people and promote them. Some of them clearly understand that you don’t shout into a mouse, which they don’t learn from us until they reach management level.”

Other comments from the 60 million strong PC World customer dissatisfaction group include:-

• A visitor to Cardiff’s camera section commented: “When I asked which gave the better panoramic views: Fuji, Olympus or Pentax the woman said she had never heard of Mount Pentax.”
• A visitor to the Taunton Business Centre said “I asked one salesman what his recommended backup solution was and he said that his car had parking sensors.”
• Another customer from East Kilbride was told that she “could free up hard disk space if her documents contained less Bold typefaces.”
• One male assistant in Norwich said he was unable to assist with WiFi problems since he was not married.

As the online row continues a further group has been set up for trained baboons angry at being compared to employees of PC World.

New medical condition known as “publicist’s balls” discovered

The British Medical Journal today published an article describing the newly identified condition known as "publicist’s balls". The news comes after the revelation that the medical condition called "cello scrotum" is in fact a hoax dating back to the 1970s.

"There are millions of sufferers of "publicist’s balls" in the UK, and the complaint is growing," explained Professor J. Scott Billingsworth, a maverick behavioural scientist currently serving 6 months in Broadmore. "The condition is spread mainly from marketing departments and is often carried in product advertisements masquerading as the publication of survey results."

Medical professionals say that some of the worst cases of the condition are in the beauty industry in which there is normally a fresh outbreak of "publicist’s balls" every week.

"It seems that the condition breeds rapidly within the warm, moist and unchallenging environment of women’s magazines," said Professor Billingsworth during moments of lucidity. "However it really thrives in the unsanitary conditions of the Internet."

"Publicist’s balls" has reached epidemic proportions within the pages of tabloid newspapers in between wars and on the websites of political parties at any time of day or night.

Despite the ease with which people in the 21st century can get access to information the area thought by many to be the seat of an early outbreak of "publicist’s balls" is still in a highly irritating state.

"The condition can be passed easily with word of mouth contact," explained Billingsworth. "Once a new outbreak of "publicist’s balls" occurs near a homeopathic remedy then it can be highly contagious and there is no known cure. You need a witch doctor."

Even the rational medical profession has come under attack, with dozens of cases of "publicist’s balls" being identified in the management offices of NHS trusts, government departments and changing rooms of golf-courses up-and-down the land.

"Despite the best efforts of the medical profession itself to remain infection free there are localised outbreaks occurring in medical journals," said the professor. "I myself have taken part in many deep cleans. Let me ask you - is milk good or bad for you? Don’t know? You are suffering from "publicist’s balls" too."

Thousands queue for latest Apple breakthrough – the iDiet

News that Apple founder Steve Jobs has lost a large amount of weight in a short period of time has prompted, rather than quelled, speculation within the Apple community. Thousands of customers have posted on Internet forums and Twitter that there may be more big announcements to come.

"I hope it is the iDiet. There were a lot of rumours about it at the last MacWorld," said Geraldine Billingsworthski from San Fransisco. "I have been waiting for this for years. I need to get down to about 300lbs and an Apple iDiet would be the best on the market."

Speculation is rife at the last Macworld, this year, that Job’s gaunt and thin appearance at last year’s Macworld, was due to a new breakthrough.

"It is clear that Apple have been working on something big, and this talk of the iDiet is something that many Apple geeks are getting steamed up about," sweated technology commentator Mr Bloggy as he ordered a pizza on his iPhone. "And we know the success Apple has had with making things smaller, just look at the iQueue."

There has been talk that the iDiet will include all of the features of the market leader, Weight Watchers, with the portability of the Slimfast series of protein shakes. But costing at least £250 more.

However commentators are pointing to the recent announcement that in fact Steve Jobs is suffering from a hormone imbalance and that many people desperate for the iDiet may be better off buying a real apple for lunch.

"If it is a hormone imbalance, then perhaps the iDiet contains iGender transformation functionality," gibbered Miss Billingsworthski. "I would be up for that, although standing to pee seems like hard work."

However Gartner’s latest forecasts say that if anything the publicity will boost Apple’s presence and probably lead to a short-term increase in it’s stock price, just like the iGimmick did. Gartner says Apple’s fundamentalist fans are even speculating about Steve Job’s non-appearance at Macworld

"The latest buzz is that we won’t see Steve at Macworld because the iDiet includes iNvisible technology," said Mr Bloggy. "Although I think talk of the iGender is madness, I clearly want to see the iNvisible when it appears."

Latest iPhone launch sees breakthrough for Apple

Apple today announced that the launch of their new iPhone had achieved a breakthrough in queuing miniaturisation and produced a hyped event with the world's shortest queues of desperate early-adopters.

"Apple has always prided itself on a mantra of usability, usability, usability," said company CEO Steve Jobs. "Today with the UK launch of the iPhone we have seen the iQueue reduce sizes to barely twenty people waiting in line. This is easily the smallest queue for over-hyped technology and easily surpasses the previous smallest of Sony's PS3 launch."

At Apple's store in Bluewater in Kent, Graham Billingsworth had arrived in the early hours of the morning.

"I got here about 2am, set out my folding chair and went to sleep. When I awoke as the first normal shoppers arrived I found I was still the only one in the queue," said Mr Billingsworth from his apple branded chair. "In fact aside from the Apple staff I didn't have anyone to gush about the iPhone with until about 2pm. The iQueue was that miniature."

Graham said that as with all revolutionary breakthroughs, it would take some people time to adjust to the new miniaturised Apple queue.

"I had no one to mind my place when I went to the toilet," said Graham. "Fortunately for me, even though I stopped to have something to eat in the food court, and have my haircut, by the time I returned I was still the only one waiting."

The hyped queue had grown somewhat by the hyped time of the hyped launch arrived with about twenty people all hyped to get into the store.

"I suppose the queue isn't too bad. I hadn't realised they were launching the iPhone today, I just wanted to get a new padded sleeve for my iBook," said Jake Wingsborth, who was at Bluewater to visit the cinema. "I do hope they actually are selling normal stuff in there when they open the door."

However some early adopters, whilst pleased with the miniaturised queue, where unhappy with other aspects of the iPhone service.

"I got here just as they opened the doors and I joined the back of the line. Even then I was in the shop in about a minute. It was marvellous," said Bill Insworth a self-proclaimed 'designer builder' from Kent. "But I had to wait nearly two hours to pay whilst the Apple Store went through all this showy première nonsense. They don't tell you about all that when you join one of their new-fangled iQueues."

Mr Jobs said that whilst many industry insiders felt that Apple would over stretch itself with the iQueue launch once again the company had proved its doubters wrong.

"On this the greatest day in the history of the world, on the day of the launch of the most important invention ever, look at the line of people outside the Apple store, " said Steve Jobs. "It's a tenth the size of the queue at the Starbucks next door."

Bidding war for latest Internet sensation tops $1Trillion

A new website is taking the Internet by storm in a craze the like of which has not been seen for at least three months. Productivity in offices around the world is being severely reduced due to the phenomena known as ‘Pocket Watching’.

"It really is a great site, with a great community of dedicated users," said technology watcher Mr Bloggy. "It has surpassed YouTube and MySpace. Pocket Watching is now the cool way to idle away several hours a day."

The new site, accidentalphotographer.com, is now attracting more hits than YouTube and Flikr combined. Indeed one video, of the palm of a user's hand as she made a 'phone call about her test results, has now been viewed over 7 billion times – easily ourstripping even quality artistic endeavours such as YouTube’s 'Man getting hit by football’.

"I am very surprised at all the fuss," admitted the site’s creator Victor Billingsworth. "It started out as me just publishing a load of useless photos. I was doing some house keeping and I realised out of 234 pictures on my ‘phone, I had only intentionally taken 6. The rest were accidental shots caused by the ‘phone bumping in my pocket.

"It turns out everyone has loads of these things and at every visit to the site you will be surprised by what people are watching. Some are just photos of pure blackness, some with spots of CCD flare. Some are washed out pictures of the sky, or out-of-focus shots of tree canopies," explained Mr Billingsworth. "There are videos of the close-ups of a hairbrush bouncing into a box of tampons in a viewer's handbag, or the blurred bounce across the passenger seat of a car. Some are just rubbish."

Internet technology watchers are hailing the Accidental Photographer as the future of entertainment, given that it is not just possible for anyone to create content but they can now do it without even trying.

"I don't think it is an exaggeration to say that the Accidental Photographer represents the end of the road for the traditional quality media outlets such as YouTube," said Mr Bloggy.

The site born of frustration with the camera on Victor’s mobile ‘phone is now part of an aggressive bidding war between Yahoo and Google. The latter’s latest bid is $1Trillion, six islands in the pacific, the services of every female employee and is promising to re-brand itself Billingswoogle.

Accidental Photographer’s most viewed video of all time is shown below :-

Vodafone to announce new “Call Moaning” tariff

The world's largest mobile phone company today announced a new tariff in the white-hot competition for subscriber minutes.

"We have analysed the hundreds of millions of calls made through our network each day and we realise that what our customers really want is a tariff suited to their calling patterns," explained Darren Billingsworth, senior marketing executive at the mobile phone giant.

The new call plan, known as "Call Moaning" will allow unlimited downbeat conversations for a fixed monthly fee. Computers will analyse the tone of the conversation and the caller will only be charged if it is in anyway uplifting or light-hearted.

"Most mobile phone conversations are based around the bus being late, it being raining or a word by word account of what Chanelle told Sharon that Billy had said about her," said Billingsworth. "These are important facets of life that we in the communication biosphere feel need to shared."

Rival mobile phone firms said that whilst they were not in a position to offer sophisticated voice analysis they would be launching competing tariffs. Orange have said that callers can bundle a group of free calls into their talk-time which will be activated by detection of key phrases, such as "I am on the train." or "Oh my God, shut up."

"It is important that everyday detritus is allowed to fill the world of the commuter else they may feel cut off from the knowledge that most other people lead drab and boring lives too," said Billingsworth. "We want to encourage this shared morose as schadenfreude makes us all feel better."

Vodafone said this was just another example of how the connected world was enriching our lives by ensuring that none of the minutia of everyday life goes forgotten or unsaid.

"It is difficult to imagine how we used to live, but it wasn't that long ago that you used to get onto a train and worry only that someone next to you might fall asleep and loll onto your shoulder," said Darren. "Now with 'Call Moaning', you can listen in as someone angrily breaks up with her boyfriend over some triviality and rest assured that she will not run out of credit and can fill the entire journey with a series of tearful and repetitive phone calls to her girlfriends."

'Leaning' Tower of Pisa is a fake

Officials in the historic Italian town of Pisa have shocked the world by admitting that their iconic tower is in fact not leaning at all. The revelation was made after queries following the 'Euro-Level 2007' exhibition at the town's convention centre.

“We had the finest spirit level manufacturers from all over the world with stands at the exhibition and many of them simply could not get their stands set-up squarely”, said Pierre Facturations-Valeer a member of a French delegation.

Delegates at the convention reported that those stands with a view of the famous 'leaning' tower were unable to be set level on the convention centre floor. This led to an impromptu survey of the town by delegates and a report to the then mayor of Pisa, Jarno Valore di Fatturazioni.

“We admit it,” said former Mayor Valore di Fatturazioni. “The game is up. We here in Pisa are, how you say, ‘not on the level’!”

The mayor has now admitted that it is the town of Pisa rather than the famous tower that is sloping.

“For centuries we have maintained this horrible secret, but in many ways it is a relief that the truth has come out.” said Signore Valore di Fatturazioni.

The former mayor revealed that a secret religious order, known as 'The Inclinati' have infiltrated the world’s scientific and construction communities to spread their inclinations and ensure that all building works within view of the famous tower are constructed at a 5.5 degree angle. This gives the impression to bystanders that it is in fact the tower that is leaning.

“The tower is absolutely vertical. All of the nearby museum furniture is built, how you say, 'lop-sided'. The museum curators all walk around wearing one platform shoe, so they appear to be standing up straight on its sloping floors.”

Signore Valore di Fatturazioni also revealed that the formerly secret Inclinati were launching a travel company for visitors who wish to “Tour the Leaning Town of Pisa”.

The town council has come under criticism regarding the large amounts of money that has been spent by both the Italian and European authorities to supposedly stabilising a monument that in fact is in no danger at all of falling.

“It is not true that the money has been wasted,” said Valore di Fatturazioni, speaking from the formerly secret headquarters of the Inclinati deep within the Vatican. “All over Pisa are areas of the town built on slopes that have cost huge amounts money. As does the fabulous collection of Ferraris that the Inclinati store beneath them.”

Google's gPhone: in-conversation adverts in exchange for free calls.

Details are being released of the long expected move by Google into the consumer electronics market with the highly anticipated gPhone. Initial specifications reveal that the phone will be coupled with Google's industry leading technology in the provision of targeted advertising and placing context sensitive adverts directly into a conversation in the form of audible 'calls to action' in exchange for free voice calls.

“Having had a chance to play with a prototype I think it is clear what Google's intentions are but by using their web technology they risk transferring existing problems across to the new platform,” said technology pundit Mr Bloggy.

Below is a sample transcript from a test conversation on the gPhone prototype and the manner of Google's interactive advertising.

Mr Bloggy :- “Hi, Sally it's me!”

Sally : “Hi love, where are you?”

Mr Bloggy : “I am on the train, just going past Denmark Hill”

Automated Voice : “Ads by Google : Press 1 for cheap flights to Europe”

Sally : “You are on a plane, I thought we were going for an Indian tonight?”

Mr Bloggy : “No, that was the new phone. I am in South East London! Just a couple more stops then home, I am starving!”

Automated voice : “Public Service Ads by Google : Press 1 to help the millions of children who will go hungry today.”

Sally : “We don't have to go mad I suppose. I guess it is a bit of a luxury.”

Mr Bloggy : “Don't be silly! It's this phone I am testing, it's a right pain in the arse.”

Automated voice : “Ads by Google : Press 1 for cheap haemorrhoid cream”

Mr Bloggy : “Oh my God, I don't believe this!”

Automated voice : “Ads by Google : Did Jesus exist? Press 1 to find out!”

Sally : “That phone really does sound like a load of crap”

Automated Voice : “Ads by Google: Press 1 to press the fart button. You know you want to.”

The gPhone has experienced delays due to the complexity of performing contextual analysis of billions of text messages and free text messaging is a feature many analysts feel will be missing from the initial versions of the phone.

“Google has experience of search in over 150 languages including those that use non-Latin alphabets,” said Mr Bloggy. “But they have struggled to make any sense at all of text messages sent by teenagers.”

Three years later, and The Onion brings us the Video version of this technology story:-


New Google Phone Service Whispers Targeted Ads Directly Into Users' Ears

Football chiefs plan new remembrance packages

Marketing executives from Premier League and Championship football clubs are finalising plans to launch new remembrance packages for those families that suffer the tragedy of losing a young member. An inside source said that the clubs are keen to maximise their exposure in all markets and that tragic events that get worldwide news coverage are a rich source of exposure for both club merchandise and shirt sponsors.

“Football is trying to modernise, to increase its appeal with the media and with families and, like many sports, is keen to ensure it gets maximum exposure for its brand and the logo of its sponsors,” said a source close to one club. “Traditionally a few lucky families have been able to bask in the reflected glow as their child is led out with the teams as a mascot. Whilst clubs can now charge several hundred pounds a time for the honour, the number of children that can be accommodated per game is obviously limited.”

Recently there has been an increase in the sensationalist media coverage of the tragic deaths of children, many of whom come from football loving families, and it is this that has led clubs to try to ensure that families' wishes are able to be catered for.

“There can't be many children in the country who have not been photographed in a replica football shirt, available from all good club shops along with a wide range of other merchandise,” said the source. “As soon as the papers print these pictures football feels it has to respond. However there may come a time when the numbers of families involved simply cannot be accommodated.”

The clubs are working with actuaries to provide debentures for families who wish to have their child remembered just before kick-off with more expensive packages offering a selection of players available to make public announcements or attend funeral services. No decision has been made about the inevitable request for players to be pall bearers, although it is said to be “pricey”.

“It is obviously a sensitive area, and one that the clubs are treading carefully on. However players taking time out from training is not something that is easy to arrange. Neither is finding three or four who will not be hungover, to act as pall bearers.” said the source. “However a great many parents want their children remembered in the aggressive and alcohol fuelled thoughts of thousands of football fans awaiting the latest episode of foul-mouthed and disrespectful deceit that takes place on the pitch.”

Apple announces the “all new” iGimmick

Chief Executive Steve Jobs today announced the latest in Apple's range of consumer products. The product itself has typically been shrouded in some secrecy, although industry watchers had been following rumours circulating on the internet that company executives have found it difficult to cope after the climax of their iPhone hype.

“Our company, with its proud track record of producing the technological equivalent of old wine in new bottles, can now reveal the latest in technological marketing,” said Mr Jobs. “With our latest product we hope to push the envelope of gadget hype with the iGimmick and prove the strength of the Apple brand.”

Technology analysts today praised the innovation from Apple saying it was the natural evolution for the brand experience in long gestation, high desirability products such as the iPod, the iPhone and the much heralded Apple TV. Marketing analysts said it was pure genius of the company, to make the announcement when the product was only a name.

“Apple has always been at the forefront of promising to repackage existing ideas by announcing them early and then cherry picking the features of those that are quicker to market,” said technology blogger Mr Bloggy. “The timing is perfect since I have got my iPhone being shipped to me, so I need something else to camp out on the pavement for. Just talking to you now makes me want one, and no-one even knows what the product does! In fact I can feel myself developing a need that only the iGimmick will be able to satisfy.”

“We want our assure loyal customers, who perhaps could not see the inevitable arrival of our iPod Nano and so may have an iPod and iPod Mini gathering dust now that they have their iPhone, that the iGimmick will take years to get to market and be available in sufficiently small numbers so as to make sleeping on a cold street for three days seem worth it,” explained Mr Jobs during a press conference after this announcement. “The iGimmick will also continue that great tradition of the Apple brand, it will cost at least $100 more than our competitors' similar products, whatever they may turn out to be. However early adopters can rest assured that we know what you want - which is anything with the Apple logo on it.”

Apples denied rumours it was working with the Meteorological Office in each of its launch markets to select a suitably rainy launch date for the iGimmick.

Acrostic messages make controversial return

Controversy reigns in the world of online advertising as increasing number of websites are using subliminal or even guerrilla tactics to maximise their advertising revenue.

Luke Billingsworth, a writer for a technology blog, said that the terms of service of programmes such as Google’s Adsense prevent webmasters from making direct pleas to their visitors to click on such advertising.

"I would love to be able to say to my readers ‘If you like the story click on our sponsors and help this site’ but I just can’t do it," explained Mr Billingsworth. "The web community, however, won’t be held back and they will always look for alternative approaches."

Currently the trend is to move away from tiresome pop-ups adverts or blunt interstitial pages, to more subtle techniques and reviving some age-old favourite techniques.

"Knowing how observant and intelligent my readers are enables me to use very subtle techniques," said Anne Corman, the writer of a satirical website. "My readers are used to peering over the rose tinted spectacles of traditional writing and I can rely on them to find the messages."

Advertisers are concerned that this revival of techniques such as acrostic writing may lead to an increase in more random traffic which would dilute the targeted audience they are receiving from the increasingly sophisticated overt advertising.

"Doubtless that risk exists but then as the alternative is people not clicking on ads at all then advertisers will probably take a more relaxed attitude," commented Mr Billingsworth.

Sadly many discerning visitors who do decipher the codes that writers are incorporating in their work many never get a public thanks. "You can only stretch a gag so far and sometimes there just are not enough paragraphs to say ‘Thanks’," lamented Anne Corman.

Vauxhall unveil new Formula 1 challenger

In amongst all the commotion surrounding Lewis Hamilton at the British Grand Prix this weekend, one of the most anticipated announcements of the past few years was finally made when General Motors revealed its intention to enter the Formula 1 championship for the 2008 season.

"There has been a lot of speculation as to when GM, as one of the largest car manufacturers in the world, would enter Formula 1," said Dermot Billingsworth, Marketing Director of Vauxhall motors speaking at the Silverstone launch. "The time is now right."

General Motors said that it feels its Vauxhall Nova brand fits best with the ‘young aspirational male’ demographic, an area where the marque’s traditional strength has been under assault with the resurgence of hot-hatchbacks from German and French manufacturers.

"Our aim is that the design of our challenger, the NOVA-F1, will represent what our brand means to young men, and make F1 technology more relevant to road car design. " said Mr Billingsworth. "It will have the loudest engine on the grid. Not only that but the exhaust pipes will be bigger and made from the shiniest chrome on Earth. The only thing brighter will be the turquoise neon-strips under the car."

Mr Billingsworth said that the car would feature an innovative sound system with the driver actually sitting in a super-amplified ‘bass bin’. "You will definitely hear this car on the track!" he added. "The sound system will be a traditional thumping drum beat loud enough to hear over 22 F1 engines."

The Vauxhall Racing team says that it isn’t just in technology where track and road should converge, but in race strategy. "Like everyday driving for our young customers, the most important aspect of a Grand Prix are the seconds after the red lights at the start," Billingsworth explained. "So the NOVA-F1 will be tuned to burn as much rubber as possible past the girls in the start-line grandstand."

Motor Racing journalist’s from around the world appeared sceptical at the prospect of starting up a works team from scratch and making the start of next year’s Melbourne Grand Prix in March. The question was put to Mr. Billingsworth of how long it would take to turn the wooden concept car on display into a competitive carbon-fibre racing car.

"Concept car?" he responded. "Carbon Fibre? I don’t think you fully appreciate the teenage Vauxhall Nova customer."

Foster’s launch "blunt" lagers

Brewing giant Foster’s today launched a new range of beers with more straightforward names and labelling.

"We wanted to capitalise on the famed Australian ‘tell it how it is’ nature," explained Bruce Billingsworth, MD of Marketing at Foster’s. "The idea has proved successful with Australian wines sold in supermarkets - such as ‘Good with pork’ and ‘Best with Steak’, so why not beer? It also enables us to take a lead in providing clearer labelling within the alcohol industry."

The flagship beer in the new range will be ‘Gets you drunk quick’ which is aimed squarely at the market segment traditionally dominated by Tennent’s Super lager with an alcohol content of 9.5%.

"We have done some tests with our key consumers and they say that what they want is something cost effective and quaffable that you can drink whilst slumped in a hedge," said Mr Billingsworth. "Of paramount importance to our demographic is that the labelling is plain and simple and helps you enjoy a summer’s night having a fight with yourself under a bridge."

Tennent’s have said that they welcomed the competition and Foster’s entry into the higher strength market, but denied they had any plans to adopt similar branding.

"We are always looking for new opportunities for our products, commented Grant Binsworth of Tennent’s "So we are branching out into the lighter fuel market instead."

Mr Billingsworth of Foster’s added that they were also planning a family pack of lager aimed at the home drinker called ‘You’ll piss rusty water out your arse in the morning’.

"As you know we are keen on responsible drinking," said Mr Billingsworth. "So our new lagers can also be used to light your barbecue."

New Olympic logo revealed

The new logo for the 2012 London Olympics has been revealed to the public. It will be the branding adopted on all signage and merchandise. It is hoped its new dramatic style will reflect the true value of the games to Londoners on the world at large.

"We feel that the new dynamic styling of the logo will fully reflect the stability of the massive undertaking that will make the London Olympics the finest games that money can buy," said Lord Billingsworth, the chairman of the Internaional Olympic Financial Awareness committee.

"This logo, available in a range of different colours, is the first Olympic logo to feature imagery that directly reflects the feelings of Londoners for the games and the commitment of Britain to making sure the games are a success," he said.

Outgoing Prime Minister, Tony Blair, endorsed the new logo and the manner in which it captures the wealth of creativity being expended on the games.

"Look, I won’t be Prime Minister of this fine nation in 2012 but I hope to have a window in my lecture tour schedule to come and have a look at the VIP facilities in Stratford," he said. "Gordon will have a list of my fees for speaking."

The Prime Minister also said that the new logo would appeal to young people and inspire them to change their lives for the better.

"The logo represents how much of their future is already mortgaged," said Mr Blair. "Given the pensions problem they will need to get involved in sport at an early age to be active and healthy enough to work into their 80s to pay off £9bn."

Knives to carry warning labels

Following hot on the heels of the voluntary move by the alcohol industry, knife manufacturers across the UK are applying warning labels to their products in an effort raise awareness of the challenges of knife ownership.

"We recognise that in today’s modern Britain more and more products are being affixed with warning labels and, well, as manufacturers of some very sharp implements we didn’t want to be left out," explained Naomi Smith, CEO of her family’s forging business in Sheffield.

The warning labels follow the model of those that have for years been increasing in size and directness on tobacco products.

"We have gone for quite direct messages," explained Mrs Smith. "So for example our meat cleavers now carry a large warning message about its sharp edge."

The family firm, Billingsworth Steel, has full ranges of knives and cooking utensils both with and without warning labels.

"We have to face the reality, our knives are not only used by professional chefs in top restaurants, but also by stupid people in Manchester and therefore we feel we can now cater for both groups," she said.

The Chef’s Knife in the labelled range bears the warning ‘Risk of blindness if poked in eyes’ whilst users of the serrated bread-knife are told that it is ‘Not to be taken internally’.

Shoppers’ T-shirt sensation

A new fashion craze is sweeping Britain’s high streets and shopping centres – the “instructional T-shirt”. The shirts feature a range of messages or explanations for shop assistants so that they do not unduly disturb frustrated shoppers. The messages include ‘I do not want your store card’ or ‘No, I don’t have your loyalty card’.

“I have been struggling to keep up with demand,” said Gillian Billingsworth who created the T-shirts. “It seems we have really resonated with the frustrations of consumers.”

“They are great, aren’t they?” said Jeff, from Kent, on a visit to the Bluewater shopping mall. “I keep mine in the car and use it when I go on a long day’s shopping,” he explained. “I had one of the basic, single message, shirts but got another one with several slogans on them. It was also the only one in the range with ‘I do not want an extended warranty’ on the back.”

Shoppers say that it is nice not to have to answer the same irritating question at every till and privately shop assistants are relieved to be able to target their pimping at those more susceptible.



In an ironic twist, Ms Billingsworth was today celebrating a distribution deal with the Tesco supermarket chain. “This is an official deal, “ she explained. “Some of the other big UK retailers have been shipping shirts directly from our suppliers in the Far East. Of course we don’t approve of the grey imports, but all business is good business”.


A spokesman for Sainsbury’s refuted the grey import accusation. “We have them in a range of colours,” he said. “What is more we are also offering triple nectar points on all sizes of the ‘I don’t have a loyalty card’ line.

Consumer was neither stunned nor amazed

Confused consumer Beth Billingsworth is campaigning for a greater understanding of "normal" people in society.

"I first started to suspect something a couple of months ago when I picked up a mobile phone in the shop and was able to look at its styling and understand its features completely. The product display said it was stunning yet I was in now way deprived of consciousness by looking at the phone. In another shop I looked at a computer, and whilst I thought that the features were very good for a model at its price point I was in no way overwhelmed with either surprise or wonder. In fact if anything I felt quite assured that Moore’s Law was in fact still pertinent some forty years after he proposed it."

Beth was perplexed and felt there must be something wrong with her. "The advertising industry spends millions each year on TV advertising that states quite clearly that not only will we all make an emotional connection with some product or service, but that we will become unable to deal with the intensity of such feeling – hence the usage of superlatives.

"I sought treatment but, although I spent quite a lot of time reading astounding self help books and I attended a couple of seminars by ‘wonderful’ speakers, I was never at any point filled with a sense of awe that would leave me bewildered as to the message that was being delivered," said Beth shaking her head.

Beth has now come to realise that she is in fact, "perfectly normal" and that most advertising is in fact "complete bollocks".

"It is total bunk," announced Beth, "I mean of course some people fall for it but then they are the kind of people who wear clothes with overt logos on them and say ‘like’ every other word. Normal people don’t do any of the above and we are clearly being disenfranchised – we just want nice clear information that enables us to make purchasing decisions."

Lin Wiblongth, partner at leading advertising firm Smith, Smith, Smythe, Schmidt, Smed and Szmyt gave a statement on behalf of the advertising industry. "This fantastic campaign will provide an amazing springboard into the outstanding experiences of normal people. It is a truly stunning revelation that I think all of us in Adland will take on board. My colleagues found it so amazing we only needed three pictures of Margaritas at our last creative meeting. Astounding." She than sat comatose staring out of the window.

Devastation following ALF attack on small village

It is a scene of devastation and despair. Some residents of the once sleepy little village sit on the roadside in the torn clothing, others stagger amongst the rubble of their once picturesque houses searching for loved ones or what is left of their belongings. An injured driver sits on the curb next to the burnt out remains of his upturned Hackney Carriage.

“I had just got a new electric motor for it.” sighed Mr Snuggles the taxi’s owner.
The gated community lies in tatters. The once impregnable walls have crude holes cut in them, roofs lie upturned or smashed next to the once pristine buildings they covered.

The Animal Liberation Front today claimed responsibility for the attack on the Guinea Pig village featured in the Egg Money TV commercials. A statement on their website reads:-
“Today we took a bold move to liberate three dozen rodents from their inhumane torture and set them free into the countryside surrounding the warehouse in which their prison camp had been created. These animals can now run free, foraging and living as nature intended.”

Professor J. Scott Billingsworth, one of the lead testers at the Egg Research Lab where the Guinea Pig village was located, spoke to the press today. “The Guinea Pigs were happy. They had jobs, nicely heated homes and a plentiful supply of food. They had their choice of clothing and we rarely intervened in how they used our financial products. Some of them had some bad taste in interior décor and their computers really needed updating, but it all seemed so peaceful. Then last night a dozen masked intruders armed with cricket bats broke in through the warehouse windows and started to smash the models. Obviously some of the guinea pigs have escaped. We worry for them as they have never had to catch their own food or dig their own burrows. Also, their Egg cards won’t work in full sized cash machines.”

A masked member of the ALF, armed with a cricket bat, sent a video message to BBC News 24.
“They don’t tell you about the Guinea Pigs injured by dropped pencils do they? Egg don’t tell you about the two gay guinea pigs forced into a life of debt by the mounting credit card payments do they? What about those who buy nice big hats instead of making sure the baby guinea pigs get enough seed? Mr Snuggles will at least be able to claim on the insurance of his taxi and use that to stave off Egg’s repossession as he has fallen behind with his mortgage payments. Or at least he would if I hadn’t trodden on his house last night.”

Tory party leader stands by the depiction of “tosser”

The Conservative Party has reacted to the controversy surrounding their recently launched ’tosser within’ internet video.

“It is a provocative advertising campaign aimed at young people and students, “ explained David Cameron. “There is an old Chinese proverb: 'Tell me and I will forget. Show me, and I will remember.' and with the visualisation of a ’tosser’ we hope to be able to show the nation what we stand for and hope they will remember”.

The advert features an irritating and badly dressed figure who encourages people to swap from one expensive fashionable trend to another, all the while storing up problems for the future without providing any actual solutions.

“This is the kind of thing that you will be seeing more and more from the Tories.” explained Mr Cameron, in turquoise cycling shorts and Day-Glo pink safety helmet. “I have been recently speaking on the environment, on immigration, on poverty and on security to name but four. This ’tosser’ brand is one that you will see increasingly on more and more issues.” Referring back to his Confucian wisdom Mr Cameron added. “When it comes to the tosser within us you will see a lot more showing from the Conservative party in the future.”

Snow Patrol fan David Cameron is no stranger to Internet spread videos of this nature having recently launched his “Webcameron” web journal featuring the Conservative leader commenting on hard hitting political issues whilst doing the washing up. It was after this first series of blogs that the Tories decided upon the depiction of a ‘tosser’ on the internet.

“Mr Cameron and the shadow cabinet have recently said that they want more direct action and so the Conservative Party itself has paid for these ’tossers’,” remarked political commentator Grant Billingsworth. “It remains to be seen after the next election if the taxpayer wishes to pay to see more of this ‘tosser’ too.”